As I sit here thinking, not just of this past year, but of all my nearly 56 years of life— I can see God has been rearranging some things. He’s been healing. He’s been digging deep, removing some junk. He’s planted some things that He’s watered, nurtured, and pruned. He’s given me hindsight— from high places, yes. He’s lifted me up. He’s held me up. He’s protected me where I’ve been left unprotected by everyone else. He’s understood me.
He never left me.
He never turned His back on me.
He has never attacked me.
He has never, ever, let me down.
He has taught me to trust Him so much that I can be confident in His provision, His protection, His guidance, His covering, His redemption— even His value of me.
Others who have known me, don’t really know me as He knows me.
Family remembers me as I was when they last saw me— over 30 years ago for most of them, even longer for others.
Most of them “know” the me from before God began removing the mars, healing the bumps, bruises and some deeply embedded wounds, I acquired along my way. Some “know” the me that God was working deeply to change, and still digging out some ugly, yucky things that don’t belong in His new creation of me.
I am different now.
I don’t handle things the same way.
I don’t have the same weaknesses that I did, the same faults— mostly.
I’m not filled with anger or rage at my pain-filled past, or those who either hurt me or left me unprotected. I don’t lash out, or breakdown in uncontrollable tears.
I‘m not numb anymore.
I no longer feel obligated to continue in relationships with others who aren’t kind, who still view me through whoever they have believed me to be, but cannot see who I actually am.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.
I am still learning how to drive this new model of me. I make mistakes, I’ve referred to the instructions from the prior model of me far too often— but they don’t ever work accurately.
I don’t have to protect myself, but I also don’t have to allow myself to be close to those who can’t recognize that I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus.
I can drive away from the old me and those who would try to force me back into those labeled boxes they believe I should still be in.
I’m not ever going back into those.
Not ever.
I love what God has done in me. I love what He is still doing in me. It has not been easy or pleasant at times, don’t misunderstand. But— He ALWAYS has His best interest for me— which really is also my best interest for me— at heart and purpose.
I’m probably going to be learning to “drive” this newer model of me for the rest of my life— thankfully I have His Word, His Holy Spirit, and people who know the now me. Anyone trying to lock me back into the past idea they had of me,— including pastors— they aren’t allowed to get or stay very close to me any longer.
I’ll pray, I’ll listen if they need to talk, but I won’t let them try to drag me backwards.
I no longer believe I belong under the feet of their opinions of me. I no longer believe I have to defend who I am or what I believe to anyone who will never believe any of it, anyway.
I am not the manifestation of anyone’s opinion or belief of who I am.
I am who God has changed me to be.
I am His.
He makes me strong.
He gives me purpose.
He holds me— some days He has to hold me up.
He is the Great Physician of my spirit, my heart, my soul, my mind, and everything else.
I will never have to defend myself against His misunderstanding of my words, deeds or intentions.
That is so freeing!!
That is so peaceful.
In my lifetime where peace was such a foreign thought for me in parts— peace has become all encompassing. It now both consumes and guards me. Lack of peace becomes my warning system in times of trouble. God now unleashes peace in ways and situations that without Him past me couldn’t have thrived.
I am new.
I am changed.
By the Grace of God— I am His.
Jemtree's Heart 