Marriage 101: Arguing

My husband and I got into an argument earlier today, about politics. We agree on some points, and are polar opposites on others. It’s not the disagreeing that is the argument for me, though, because we could easily be having a discussion and disagree. It’s his reactions to me, the person behind what he disagrees with. Males in the past often treated me like I was less than them, rarely as an equal– as though I were validated by their approval of me. Usually my husband doesn’t come across that way, but lately when he disagrees with me it feels as though he does. It may just be my perception, not the reality. But, nevertheless, it stings a lot. 

Maybe it’s different for men than it is for women, maybe they can separate the personal from the words. Perhaps it’s just the way I am built. I believe strongly in certain things, and I research things a lot, and sometimes I don’t research enough or remember specifics well. 

I asked him to tell me he doesn’t think I’m stupid, because that matters to me. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but he matters. He told me he doesn’t think that. The problem is he argues to conquer and win, and then I feel attacked and our voices raise with jabs and offense– I hate it. I wish we could discuss without it turning into some battle of words and opinion. I wish we could communicate our different perspectives in a healthy exchange where we both feel valued and heard.

We both need to level up our communication skills. We should be aware of how what we say affects the other, as well as how we say it and how they receive it– not always the same things. 

Thinking about Scripture, where the Bible instructs wives to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives as Christ Loves the Church, I don’t see us treating Jesus that way. One step further– I don’t see Christ treating us the way we treat one another. I can’t imagine Jesus raising His voice or belittling my opinions or beliefs. I don’t see Jesus yelling at my husband the way I did earlier. 

At some point our humanity has to submit itself to God in order to match God’s Word picture through Scripture– or we fail at demonstrating the Lord Jesus in and through our marriage. 

My Open Letter To Pastors Everywhere– You Need To Get This


Dear Pastors,

Over the past 20 years I have been moved from place to place, sometimes by God, sometimes for personal reasons. 

That is why I’m writing this.
I am no one special. I have no title, no grand purpose or calling. I am like many within your flock, under your care– part of your Divine calling and purpose.

I am a member of the Body of Christ, and that means something more to me than merely being a member of a local church.

I have been given talents by God, and I strive to use them to help further His Kingdom purpose.  I have been given a heart of flesh that longs to please God. I love people, I love Jesus, and I love serving God as He calls me to.

I have seen where church leadership has some blindspots. I am asking you, humbly, as one who loves God and people–  please– drop all defensiveness and listen.

I believe that God has called Pastors and all church leaders to love His people as He loves His people, not to just instruct us about the Word of God. Not one of us is in the same part of the narrow road, nor have we walked with the same steps or strides. In fact, there are some who are crawling, there are some who are stopped– waiting on God to give them clear direction– direction that oftentimes comes through you.

Every Pastor wants the congregants who are running the race perfectly, with all the energy necessary to carry out the plans and purposes of the ministries churches offer. There are people who are called and able to fulfill those Pastoral dreams. 

I want to tell you, many simply are not. Many are trying to work out their Salvation with fear and trembling. Some want to please church leadership, but they are burnt out by doing so. Some feel weighted down by life. Some have been crippled by life’s circumstances, and they can’t “perform” as is often necessary. These are the people you are leaving behind. These are the ones you are hurting. Some of these equate how you treat them with how God wants them to be treated– and that is breaking God’s heart.

I want to encourage you to look at every person as the individual that God has created them to be.

We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, and God has entrusted you with the loving care to help nurture and grow even the most unloveable Christian.

I believe God wants to release His healing within His Body. Hurts caused by our own family in Christ. Reconciliations. Letting go of offenses. Repentance for how we all treat one another.

I believe He wants to begin from the top of the leadership down through the entire congregation.

What does this look like? More ministries for congregants, not just opportunities to serve. Listening more carefully. Being approachable, a healthy relationship attainable outside of jumping through specific hoops to prove worthiness of your time, attention and appreciation. 

Removal of any “hierarchy” mindset that in any way belittles your congregants in your eyes.

There are millions of Pastors, and every one of you is a unique individual created by God, just like all of your congregants are. 

I pray you will read this, that you will seek God concerning this. Not because I am asking, but because God’s Judgment begins in the House of The Lord. We all need to be far more sensitive to God’s Spirit than we are to the opinions of ourselves and others.

God’s love is not tough, it’s full of compassion, patience and deep understanding.

So should we all be towards one another.

Sincerely,

Your Sister In Christ

Me, Myself And My Husband– One Flesh

My husband doesn’t do things the way that I do. He doesn’t say things the way I say them. He doesn’t look at things the way I see them.

He doesn’t have the same Political views that I have…

When we married, we were taught through God’s Word that his body is my body, and my body is his body. In some ways that has become a kind of joke for us throughout the years.

“Honey, we have some things to do.” “Do I have to?” “Well, since your body is my body– yes.” Or, the silliness of doing something impossible– like using the restroom, lol.

Since my body is my husband’s, and vice-versa, does that mean his mind is also mine and mine is his?

Could you imagine if this were the case? If I had the ability to get him to think like me, and if I thought as he does, misunderstandings would become nonexistent!

But, the mind is such a complicated thing. The closest we could get to that is doing our best to consistently work at clear communication. Practicing listening. Sharing openly. Discussing differences.

Body ownership has been defined for us in Scripture– we become one-flesh, two halves of a whole. But our minds? As Christians, they should belong to the Lord. They have the unique ability to multi-task. While doing one thing like talking with people, we can pray, remember Scripture, Praise and Worship God at the same time.

The Bible exhorts us to pray without ceasing, because we can. We are able to do that. It takes practice, reminders, and at first a lot of attention and time. But then it becomes a habit. It happens naturally.

Our minds were made to interact with our Creator continuously.

That’s why there is so much competition for it with the world, people, even within ourselves.

We have a choice in who or what we give our minds to.

Everyday I want to choose God. Many times I fail somewhat, some days completely.

Every day is a new chance.

Why I Am This Way, And How It Applies To My Dating Daughter

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I grew up a fighter. At a time when women were belittled– not taken seriously while harassed for wanting to break out of the “norm” set for us by men– I decided not to just accept that, but to push past it. I have dealt with that issue head-on for many years now. From a grandpa who refused to call me by my given name because it was a “boys name”, to being treated as an emotional idiot, I have learned how to stand my ground and not ever just take what someone has dished out.

I’ve fought for jobs that “girls aren’t hired for”, and won. The pizza place that refused to hire me to work in the kitchen because “girls only work as cashiers and hostesses”– I worked in the kitchen. The Air Force recruiter who thought I should enlist to be a cook– I became a plumber. The plumbing shop owner who laughed at this female Veteran AirForce  plumber– because “girls don’t get hired as plumbers”– I was hired by someone to help with their in-house plumbing problems. (Nevermind that I had mostly worked on Japanese plumbing, and as a side-effort, I tried to help my aunt in her older house. Let’s just say, I screwed that up REALLY bad! That’s one of my biggest regrets.) 

I drove heavy machinery in Korea when women still didn’t drive there. I drove a Humvee in the middle-east where women aren’t allowed to drive.

When I am backed into a corner and told I can’t do something just because I’m a girl– watch me do just that.

I don’t deal with that so much anymore, as a military spouse and stay at home mom.

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Now, I’m dealing with a new kind of thing– I’m now the teen girlfriend’s mom. Oh yes. So far her boyfriend has referred to me as not knowing what I’m talking about, and childish. This 18 year old boy that I am allowing my 16 year old daughter to date– with getting-stricter monitoring.

He has some nerve! I am struggling to not take my “childish” attitude and sever his relationship with my daughter!

How do I get it across to my daughter that how he treats me and his own mother will be how he treats her, once they move past all the hormonal ushy-gushy crap?

I am angry that he has the nerve to say things like that about me.

I am concerned that he does not have a relationship with Jesus at all. I want to put a stop to them dating, but at the same time, she is not going to learn important life lessons if I do that.

I am uncomfortable with my daughter dating him at all. Very uncomfortable.

So, the fighter in me has taken to prayer and sobering interaction.

I am accountable to God for my daughter. I will not take that lightly, but I’m not going to give into the temptation to “fight” with her boyfriend. I’m gonna let God fight that battle for me.

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Rediscovery

I played with my youngest boy today. Without having my phone in the same room with me. 
I tickled his feet, and tried to hit him with a small pillow, which he kept karate-kicking away.

  

He giggled.

I laughed.

Undistracted.

It was just like when my 3 other kids were little and I didn’t have electronic devices plugged into my ears or constantly drawing my attention, my focus, away from the loves of my life.

It was wonderful!

Where Does The Body of Christ End?

  

We became members of a local church just before my husband received a new assignment. It’s not the first time that has happened to us, but this time we had begun thinking about possibly retiring to the area we were in. So, as is often the case with our family situation, we switched gears after just 2 years at that place, and began trying to prepare for a move to another country.  

It’s full of challenges, and this move was our worst ever. I am still so thankful that 4 ladies gave of themselves and helped me! I could not have done it without them!

 But, what I don’t get is why we are so easily forgotten whenever we have to move on.

We gave what we could of ourselves: our time, talents and money.

We poured out our hearts as we worshipped with many we found a connection with, beyond just our common beliefs.

Yet now it feels almost as if we no longer exist to many of the people we formed relationships with or just simply grew to respect. There have been limited efforts to stay in contact with us. Only a handful of people talk with us. This is a very large congregation!

Truth be told, my closest friends are Christians I met not within church walls or activities. Only a very few are ones I attended church meetings with or served the Lord with in some way.

That speaks volumes to me! It makes me sad and frustrated. Too many times people are content to put the burden of staying in touch on me.   

Am I not worth the effort?

The Body of Christ, is made up of many parts, even moving parts like those of us that have no choice but to move away. I believe fellowship should  represent the Eternal relationship we will always have with God and that common understanding of Eternity. 

Oneness. 

Continued relationship.

I’ve hit a point where it’s nearly too difficult to give of myself over and over, to figure out where or how I can fit in to the new while nursing the wounds of being forgotten or pushed out of mind, or just really, really missing the old.

Often a congregation can be so introverted and focused on their programs and busyness they miss the point of being part of The Body of Christ.

Why must I make all of the effort to connect and maintain any friendships? The fight I’ve had in me for this, is dying down. Why? Because the effort is most often one-sided.

I have discovered I can meet with others online, I can minister to others online, and I can be ministered to by people like Joyce Meyers, online.

But online doesn’t meet every need. It’s just a way to extend fellowship and ministry.

The Body of Christ is in the wireless world, as well.

It doesn’t end just because a member moves away.

What Do Women Really Want?

We have all heard the sarcastic jokes about how girls are so difficult to understand. If we are honest we have either told a few ourselves, or agreed with them.

But, are women really that difficult to understand?

Being a woman myself, I feel qualified to answer this.


  

Flowers, chocolates, jewelry, a spontaneous trip somewhere, getting us that dress we have been eyeing as we do our online Windows shopping– believe it or not, they all have something in common.

Being valued. Being remembered. Attention to the details that matter to us being acknowledged. Being that priority in thought and heart.

Not out of guilt. Nope. If guilt is the motivator then you have lost.

It’s not the amount of money that makes something valuable to a woman. No, really, it isn’t. It’s the motivation that created the desire to buy or make and then give the gift. That is what women most care about. What is your motivation for what you do, say, or give to your wife or girlfriend?

Behind the motivation, your heart towards her is revealed.

Women are sensitive to that. We do not want gifts, compliments or acknowledgment born out of guilt, manipulation, or stubborn obligation.

Us women, we need to know you are thinking about us. That you are appreciating us. That we, alone, satisfy you. Show us that an evening alone with us is enough, it doesn’t make you cringe or fall asleep, or day-dream about when we let you go play Fallout 4. Let us see first hand that holding our hand satisfies you more than that game controller ever does, or that iPad, or even that drink or cigarette. Put your phone on silent and look into the eyes of your special lady, without thinking about all you need to be looking into your phone’s screen to check. Dazzle us with your full attention so we know you think highly of us, you are interested in our point of view– that you value how we are different from you.

That is how we measure how much you value us. Not by how much money you spend on a gift. That you would willingly spend as much money as possible to show that you value us even more than the cost of what we have our eye on.

Make it a point to notice what we have our eye on.

We need to know we are the most valuable part of you.

When you met us, you craved our attention, you dropped what you were doing when possible to spend time with us.

You showed us we were important.

After becoming confident you had “won” our hearts, a shift happened– you began telling us we are important. Not wanting to be “needy”, we’ve adapted and accepted, until pretty soon that’s all we have.

That becomes our value. How much we adapt, accept, overlook…

This is not at all what women really want. It’s definitely not what we need. It does not satisfy or make us happy.

All too often we become part of the background of your attention or memory.

An after thought.

The least in your list of priorities.

There are too many things competing for your attention, and your affection– those things the woman in your life most deserves.

Isn’t she worth more to you than you often make known to her?