Month: June 2021

What life has taught me

God’s Will?? I Think Not!

jem

Apparently there is this school of thought, some believe supported by Scripture, that being the unfortunate victim of abuse is “God’s Will”.

Obviously they don’t understand how wrong of a conclusion they have come to. Nor do they get the depth abuse reaches into the spirit, the soul and the foundation of someone deeply traumatized by abuse.

Never once was I drawn to God because of a comparison between my earthly abuser and my Creator.

Never.

No, it was not God’s Will for my dad to psychologically abuse me! I am, to this very day, still dealing with the affects of him telling me he hated me and wished I’d never been born, coupled with how I was just always in the way.

No, it was not God’s Will for my dad to physically, sexually abuse me. I despise what he did, so much, I developed eating disorders to try to purge it out of my system! He violated my trust, my innocence— my body!

No, it was not God’s Will to witness his guinea-pigged drugged-up confused mindset that had him convinced he was like God, and loved my mom so much he had to kill her— tried to kill her.

No.

My God does not Will sin’s ugliness into anyone’s life.

God does not willfully direct sin to deeply traumatize people.

God allows many things, but He does not Will them to happen.

I have never had a healthy relationship with my dad, or any kind of redeeming father-like relationship with anyone.

In my life I have felt a desperate need for someone to accept me and just be part of my life as a mom, dad or sibling type.

That hasn’t been something anyone has been willing to do.

That has been what has driven me closer to God.

Not the abuse, not a comparison.

The lack of those relationships.

I have given up on anyone within the church stepping into that kind of role in my life.

I have never given up knowing God will fill that lack with His love, His acceptance, His delight in me.

His Character is defined all throughout Scripture. And, while He has directed harsh judgement against some by directing those obedient to Him to carry out that judgement in Old Testament times—

Never once do I see Him telling a father to molest his daughter.

Never once do I see Him telling a father to tell his children how much he hates them and wishes God never created them.

Never once.

Uncategorized

Packs On The Narrow Road

jem

There is so much noise and bright lights, all around me. So many waving me over because they want my attention, my agreement, my subscription.

Everything is “good”, “on point”, “trending” within the circles of information, trying to swallow me up and pull me down into some new rabbit trail, some “key” “cutting edge” direction or ministry.

That’s not how God made me.

I can’t be anything but real.

Honestly, I don’t fully believe God is in all of that.

I know— “don’t worry, be happy.”

That might as well be the trending Christian mantra.

What I have learned in my lifetime experiences is— joy does not equal happiness.

Joy is released by God’s Spirit. Happiness is conditioned by human situations.

Happy just isn’t my season right now.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have happy moments, or that I don’t laugh.

I always have joy, because I always have Jesus.

I don’t buy into the whole positive happiness doctrine.

Perhaps if people looking into my life from the outside walked in my shoes while I was living through the various tough times, perhaps they would get it.

Maybe my circumstances helped form me differently.

Maybe some see me as deformed, or missing out on what they believe God has for me.

Maybe that isn’t really what God has for me.

I don’t view my world with rose-tinted glasses. I view my world through my eyes and my experiences.

I view my world through God’s corrective lenses— at least what He’s allowed me to look through.

When I was learning to drive, I was told to avoid the packs of cars.

I walk through life in much the same way.

Packs of people tend to be swayed in one direction or the other.

People are fallible.

God is not.

In order to stay the course He has me on, I need to stay on that narrow road, and not join in with the packs.

I hear God the clearest standing back away from all the noise and the bright lights.

Staying in contact, but keeping myself at a distance, so I don’t get sucked into wanting all those loud, fancy bells and whistles. Sometimes I will travel through a pack, sometimes I will touch base with them.

If God chooses to use His gifts through me, I surrender to Him.

But that might look much different to me than it may to others.

The weight of our world is tempting to try to lift as I pray, but only One has the government upon His shoulders— Jesus.

All I can do is pray, ask Him to help me know how to pray.

I love it when I pray, and then God confirms to me through others, or circumstances that I am following His Spirit’s lead.

That is humbling for me, and exciting.

If I’m standing in the noise, blinded by the bright lights— how can I ever really hear Him speak into my spirit? How can I recognize Him and see where He is at work?

Reality Check, Strong Woman

Managed

jem

My eyes are opening.

At least, they are trying to open.

They’ve started to open before, but then I shut them. Again.

Everything on the surface looks fine, looks good even.

But then something happens, and they start to open again.

In the past, just as they are beginning to focus, to recognize…

I am lulled back to sleep.

This time, I’m staying awake. I’m rubbing my blurry eyes so I can focus more clearly.

I’m making out a shape with some color..

I see…

I see control.

I am recognizing when I make any kind of decision without it being discussed and approved, I provoke the frustration and anger that guard control.

When I start to walk in my own decision making, and I begin to feel like my “old” self again, it creates an unbalance in the control system.

As soon as I begin to relax, to just enjoy, being refreshed and confident naturally— the beast begins to wake up, cranky from lack of control.

I see it now. Clearly. With eyes that are awake.

I recognize it.

I see the prison it has created.

It’s not unpleasant.

I’m not unprovided for.

But I’m not free.

My confidence is challenged.

I’m not encouraged to be at my best.

In fact, I recognize I am actually encouraged to not be my best.

I am often alone.

I am often drained of “will” power, exhausted, by reactions.

This is my own doing, for allowing this to overcome me.

The things that energize me are discouraged— subtly, yet effectively.

Being able to just relax and be myself is subverted by the lag of distraction, and the oh so subtle injection of unresponsive disapproval .

A hesitancy to respond.

An obvious attempt to squelch anticipation or even excitement.

Like a bug being squished as it’s headed in a specific direction with an intended purpose.

That’s my ability to make plans without lengthy discussion, or simply do something spontaneously and un-dissected.

My abilities are bogged down by lack of attention or acknowledgement.

My accomplishments are overlooked, or even torn down.

I have taken the path with the least friction, and just laid everything down— because— what’s the point?

But now I have my focus on it.

I see it.

The beast of control will be challenged, openly.

I want my “me” back.

I want my confidence back.

I want all of the appreciation, encouragement, and full support I’ve poured in to now be reciprocated.

I’m not ok with being managed.

Not anymore.

Ephesians 5:13-14 “But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. For this reason it says, “Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you.”