Merriam-Webster defines translucent as:
“permitting the passage of light:
: transmitting and diffusing light so that objects beyond cannot be seen clearly
: free from disguise or falseness”
I guess if I had a “theme” for my blog posts, this might be a defining term I’m aiming for.
I’ve been working my way through more NF songs, lately. Today, I have two on my heart.
The first one, I think it’s a deeply important one to address— “Paralyzed”. The second is the chorus from “Oh Lord”. (I think both can be a great mash-up.)
As the “Paralyzed” lyrics flow, they hit sensitive areas in my past that I buried or forgot about.
Oh, my God, thank You— he has described this lack of just everything— that I could never put a name to!!
I still have moments of this numb feeling, in certain social situations, I get struck with this— paralysis— NF has given it a name! I can define it! You have no idea how impactful and healing that is for me. If the “spotlight” focus of attention is on me— I still sometimes freeze up! When I leave social meetings, I sometimes have this weird ache— almost like that feeling when the numbness wears off at the dentist— in my chest. I feel vulnerable,
I spent many of my youthful days going through the motions, disconnected from my emotions.
These lyrics transcend just words for me— they overwhelm my spirit with… I don’t really know what. Understanding, maybe? Relief?
I didn’t think anyone could ever understand. No one around me ever seemed to. But then— I was afraid to even ask, to talk about anything.
I just thought I was alone.
And then— I remember someone telling me they struggled with the same kind of eating issues that I did— and they gave it a name— Anorexia. I thought I had a friend I could identify with, that understood me. But— friendship with me wasn’t something she was interested in. In fact— she seemed annoyed that I had those problems too.
I was alone.
My whole life, all I ever wanted was to feel included, wanted, appreciated— valued.
Absorbing the lyrics from the NF song “Paralyzed”— they took me right back to those moments. Only, as I again felt them, I was also standing outside of it all, looking at it from a perspective of having been healed, or delivered, from the damage and circumstances that rendered me
I remember walking through my middle school hallways, realizing— I couldn’t feel anything.
I was emotionally numb.
I think that was when the self harm started for me.
I spent years hiding the scars on my arms and legs. They have faded, can’t be seen easily anymore, but I know exactly where they are.
When I wrote poems, I marveled over where the words even came from. I didn’t write thoughts I was meditating on, inspiration didn’t come from outer sources, dreams or conversations. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I just had to write.
“Can You see us down here, Oh Lord?”
I wonder what I look like to God? I know all the encouraging words of Scripture— and I believe them.
I also know God sees what we can’t see or understand.
I think as the lyrics from “Paralyzed” grab my heart, make me catch my breath from overwhelming remembrance, understanding— and emotions I’m no longer detached from, flood all my senses— I see that God is outside of things, but He somehow still feels what we feel, He sees what we see— and so much more.
My world felt impossibly dark and devastating.
God’s Light has diffused the darkness my soul was held captive in. His Holy Light came into my life, and all that nasty darkness fled— Jesus set this captive free. He healed my heart and my life.
He restores my soul.
As much as we often believe our childhood shapes and defines us— it’s not permanent. I believe that.
The damning, torturous grip that once had its hold on me, has been released.
God broke the fingers of that stronghold over my perception, that affected my decisions.
There are some who are in a similar place to where I was.
It can get better. Most often, circumstances aren’t permanent. There is nothing God cannot change, heal, repair, restore or improve.
You are not alone.
Nothing is too difficult for God.
When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else
I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
Where are my feelings? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I know I should (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Oh. How come I’m not moving? Why aren’t I moving? Ay yeah)
Where is the real me? (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord??) (Where is the real me?)
I’m lost and it kills me – inside (I’m paralyzed)
When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where’s the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith
I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me – where am I? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I just watch ’em
I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen
Do You see us down here? Oh Lord
Can You see us down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us?down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us?”