Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, introspection, NF Lyrics, Walking With God


For as long as I can remember, I have a deep intense need to be able to capture things important to me, and share them.

When I see an amazing sunset, or the always-changing beauty of the colors of the sea.

My picture taking lacks depth of those details.

If I learned to draw, could I learn skills that would help me capture fully what I see?

It’s the same for me with words.

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How can I fully convey those things deep within my soul that have held me bound?

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How do I explain what I know needs to be released?

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I feel things so deeply!

Maybe that’s the product of so many years of feeling numbed by the painful things that shaped the first half of my life.

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For so long I thought that meant something was wrong with me.

I was told that something was wrong with me.

I was treated as though I’m nothing but ridiculous and not to be taken seriously.

It has taken me several decades to move past that— to know they were wrong.

Sensitivity— sensitivity that God has carefully crafted within me—has plagued me so deeply at times, it feels like the wind is knocked out of my spirit.

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Maybe others don’t experience this.

Maybe they do, but say nothing.

One thing I have learned is— if no one says anything, some people feel like they are alone in what they deal with internally.

If I can bring the internal turmoils, sensitivities and breath-stealing emotions to the surface— if I can capture them— maybe someone else will not feel alone anymore.

This describes how I felt years ago— but God has moved me on. (NF lyrics)

I have that same desperation to capture the things God focuses on within me as He continues to heal the deepest of inner wounds.

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Only He knows these wounds, but everyone “sees” them— they just don’t recognize what they are.

They surface as my reactions or responses to things.

My physical body has reactions and responses to my diet.

My emotional instincts have a reaction or response to the environment around me.

My inner spirit has reactions and responses to so many external things that attempt to poke and prod at it.


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The good news is that God continues to be deeply at work within me— where no one else can see — in my heart, my understanding, my reactions and responses!

I am healthy.

In my mind.

In my heart.

In my spirit.

In my body.

Gaining more and more of God’s health and perspective every day!

Maybe He will give me the abilities and the opportunities to capture and share all He continuously reveals to me.

I am unworthy— I know this better than any person.

I know where He rescued me from— the bottom of rock bottom.

The only direction I had to go was ⬆️.


This was my life!!!

There is so much in this post.

Hopefully it pinpoints exactly what God has done, and is continuously correcting, healing, repairing and perfecting in me.

I believe God created me to be an open book of where, how and why He is— and has been— at work in me.

I am nothing but a complete mess without Him.

Stop It

Looked Through: Invisible

Know when you👋 wave 👋 to someone you know, and they look 👀 right through you?

Pretend they don’t see you?

Yeah— that happened to me today.


This happens to me all the time.

Unless it’s someone that wants something from me.

Then— they are thrilled to see me!

If I didn’t have a firm foundation in who I am in Jesus— this would crush me.

It stings— a lot.

I get it.

I’m unimportant.

I’m unworthy of their attention or their time.

My own birth family looks right through me without ever actually seeing me.

I’m at the point where I can say “ Fine, whatever! 🙄” and mean it.

But— when it’s someone who claims to be a Christian doing this to me??

I am NOT ok with it.

God is NOT ok with it.

I have such an amazing testimony of God’s deliverance, healing and His grace.

How many around me actually know this?

Very few.

Not because I’m unwilling to share.

Because people don’t want to listen.

My entire life I have been looked through, as though I don’t even exist.

People in front and in back at church don’t greet me.

Even when I get their attention.

It’s exhausting not interacting with people I am invisible to, or who have already set their minds to push me away.


And— it’s people part of a community that say they embrace how we all connect.— like Legos.

Well— guess who rarely gets connected with?

👉 🙋‍♀️ 👈

I prefer to have a very small group of people I know I can trust.

It’s fine that many choose not to include me.

But— that’s just it— they choose that.

I would at least give them a fair chance by getting to know them.

They, sadly, are oblivious to the sting of rejection they cause by elevating themselves above my feelings.

Feelings were not created by God to be stepped on or mocked.

They are not stupid.

They are necessary to gauge safety.

Especially for people who have lived through emotional or mental trauma.

How sad is it that it’s Christians my feelings often warn me will not be safe for me?

That is not a problem just with me.

It’s a symptom of a very deep-seated problem in the church.

A dark blemish on the bride of Christ— the church.

We have to stop hurting our brothers and sisters in Christ.

I have felt the sharp edges of people claiming to have Jesus— but having no love.

Lack of love + lack of grace = lack of Jesus.

Instead of looking through me, I pray God reflects Himself back.

That His Holy Spirit reveals truth and fixes what is broken or dysfunctional.

I hope we aren’t revealed to be the smelly ♨️ armpit ♨️ of the Body of Christ.

Something sure smells unpleasant— offensive— at times…

How many of us just need someone to smile, wave, enjoy— listen to us?

James 2:15-17 What if a Christian does not have clothes or food? And one of you says to him, “Goodbye, keep yourself warm and eat well.” But if you do not give him what he needs, how does that help him? A faith that does not do things is a dead faith.

Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

Galatians 6:2-3 Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

Romans 15:1 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.

1 Corinthians 10:24 Try to do what is good for others, not just what is good for yourselves.

Romans 12:5 So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.

1 Corinthians 12:25-26 This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.


Chasing Acceptance— Conditioned Or Suffocated?


This is the one word, the one question, that has defined so much of me.


Why has everything so often been such a fight for me?

My life, in so many ways, has been so exhausting.

I have gotten to a point where I don’t think much on my past.

My past no longer defines me.

Except in the minds and opinions of a few people who refuse to see I am not who I once was—

I’m not who they have thought I’ve been.

For years I felt like I was trapped inside of a mirror.

Some looked at me, and instead of seeing me—

—they see their opinion of me.

Opinions reflect back, and hide the reality of me.

I removed myself from that.

It was either leave, or die.

No one has seen the desperation I have dealt with in my own heart, because of my decisions and behaviors of past me.

God has seen, though.

He sees me.

The actual me.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

So— finally— I have been walking in that freedom.

Until recently I walked right into a wall of that— once again.

And once again— there is that question


And here again is that mirror I am trapped in while this person admires his opinion of me.

It’s not imagined.

It’s not in my head.

It’s not something I can just not be affected by.

Because there will always be that question—


I don’t deserve that.

Maybe if people who I should naturally receive acceptance from didn’t hold up their reflected opinions to define me instead of taking time and care to get to know me— maybe this would not matter.

But— that is not the case.

I was conditioned from an early age to believe that I can never be enough— good enough, smart enough, confident enough— to earn acceptance. Acceptance isn’t just given away.

I used to believe I had to just live inside of that reflection of their opinions.

I let them keep me there.

I accepted it.

Now I just want God to shatter that mirror and allow who He has formed me to be, who He has healed me to be—

Shine through.

His Light in my life can be blinding to those unprepared to see it.

He has healed my mind.

He replaced my broken/destroyed heart that had turned cold and hard from years of rejection, misunderstanding, lack of compassion, abuse and hard circumstances— replaced it with a heart of flesh.

He is continuously healing my body.

He healed my broken spirit.

I have moved closer to Him, as I have moved farther away from all of those who have a history of having caused me emotional and spiritual injury.

No one would want to walk in the shoes of my past.

I have to revisit some of these things to re-appreciate what I know God has done for me., and I don’t want to walk in the shoes of my past.

I finally feel freedom to allow joy to begin shining into and through me.

Some just don’t get it— I didn’t have joyfulness in the first half of my life.

They just don ‘t get it— I was living in mourning.

I still mourn the loss of my dad.

Not his death.

That we had no relationship.

That he missed out on the healthy relationship God wanted him to have with me.

I have mourned the loss of many relationships.

Until my husband won my heart— I never knew acceptance. I never had the freedom to just be me!

I had to learn who me is.

And now I know—

I am a child of God.

Jesus is now reflected through me, in me.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

If those who value their opinions over God’s work cannot recognize that—

They are missing God.

After looking closely at all of this going on under the surface of me, and writing what I’m experiencing, realizing and feeling—

My spirit can breath again.

It’s no longer being suffocated.

My spirit is nurtured carefully by God.

He has been so, so GOOD to underserving



One Anothering: When God Reaches Down

Have you ever been preoccupied with something, and have God grab your attention with His overwhelming kindness?

It’s happening for me, right now.

I often wish I could capture the full beauty of a sunset or a rainbow.

Right now I want so much to capture the fullness of how God is working in me.

Sunday we went to watch Jesus Revolution

Loved it!!

As we were looking for seats, someone called out my name in complete surprise: “Jami?? Is that you?? You guys are still here??”

I was so surprised when I realized it was our previous pastor’s wife (also a pastor).

I want to say it was a completely happy surprise— but there is complicated history there, I won’t get into now. I love them like I love my complicated family.

But, I was happy— reserved a bit— but happy to talk with her.

We grabbed seats behind them, just a few minutes before the National Anthem started, so not much time to get settled and catch up a little.

As we watched the movie, a few pieces jumped out as reminders when we were congregation members of their church.

God had His hand in us meeting there, for sure!

As the movie ended and we started out of the theater, I was prepared to just say our goodbyes and go our separate ways.

She wanted to talk more.

We all— my husband, her husband, she and I, and two of our boys stood outside catching up more for maybe another 20 minutes.

I finally had to go sit down, my knee wasn’t enjoying standing.

She walked with me to my car, and then she asked if she could pray for my knee.

In the back of my mind, I had so many conflicts of interest— “What if God doesn’t want to heal my knee?” We’re supposed to meet someone and he’s waiting on us…” “She really wants to pray for me??”

I agreed, and she started to pray. She prayed for my knee to be healed, for my legs and my hips.

I have experienced God’s healing many, many times, in various ways.

This time I didn’t feel an overwhelming sensation. But— my knee stopped hurting. The stiffness eased up.

And it’s continuing to not hurt and not feel stiff.

I believe God will and definitely can heal me if He wants to.

But in that moment of her praying for me, I felt more of a burden for the guy waiting on us than for God to heal me.

Sitting here now, God brought that back to mind, and with that He has spoken to my spirit, “Your needs are important to Me, too.”

“You are important to me.”

Suddenly, emotionally overwhelmed, my mind flashed back to the times where I needed something but my need wasn’t valued by someone else.

My “importance”, I have always believed, was in being patient, and available for others— whenever possible and led by God— to help other people.

I have always felt I needed to be self-sufficient, (and have been humbled greatly by that being so limited over the last few years).

I have believed others are much more important than I am— to everyone.

My health has been improving steadily because of severe, necessary diet changes.

God led me to make those changes. He has been involved in my healing this entire journey.

I just thought He had already provided me with His help and healing through that.

But He has even more for me.

More healing.

More of Him in my life.

Through someone things have become so compiicated with.

I am unworthy of so much kindness from Him.

I am so thankful for His attentiveness towards me in so many ways though-out my life.

Proverbs 17:22
Verse Concepts
A joyful heart is good medicine,
But a broken spirit dries up the bones”

He is giving me joy!!

As He heals my body through education and proper diet— He is also healing my broken spirit.

I’m certain sone will read this and think either I don’t know what that means, or that I am exaggerating— I assure you, neither is the case.

God has been so deeply at work within me, for 3 decades, healing the deepest of wounds from the darkest of days.

And yet— He still completely, emotionally overwhelms me by taking a few minutes to have someone pray for complete healing of something I have become settled in just living with.

My God Shall Supply ALL of my needs!

And here’s my encouragement for you—

If He will supply all of mine— He most certainly will supply all of yours!