Spiritual abuse is one of the most dangerous, and most difficult to address or confront, forms abuse known.
You will know it by its fruit— prickly on the outside, bitter on the inside.
There are many “lacks” to recognize—
Lack of encouragement.
Lack of empathy or sympathy.
Lack of understanding.
Lack of mutual-sided conversation.
Lack of kindness.
Lack of patience.
Lack of respect.
Lack of confidence.
Lack of grace.
Lack of being heard.
Lack of being believed.
Lack of peaceful interactions.
Lack of peace of mind.
Lack of peace.
Lack of being welcomed.
Lack of acceptance.
Lack of true Pastor-al care and nurturing.
Lack of Jesus.
I thought I got far enough away— both in distance and time.
But I once again feel its grasp, trying to pull me backwards into that terrible abyss of frustration, anxiety, worry, and LACK.
As soon as I feel like I’m getting a solid footing in confidence, in ministry— a new season, a new church— those haunting echoes creep up, attempting to torment my soul with fears, reminders and horrible dread.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I don’t fit in.
I don’t belong.
I’m unloveable.
I’m unacceptable.
I’m unable to be redeemed by Jesus.
No one will ever believe I don’t have some ulterior motives or intentions.
I must have some kind of “jezebel spirit” working through me.
I need to be ignored.
Rather than ever admit this pastor could have ever been wrong about me, he seems to have considered me an enemy of God, in the way of God’s plan, interfering and trying to cause division.
He doesn’t seem to have ever seen or wanted to hear the truth— seems like he’s believed so many wrong things, maybe convinced he has to be right.
One day God will show him how many opportunities he’s missed to treat me (and others— it hasn’t been just me) as God would have him do.
Again I feel stuck with all this residue from spiritual abuse that happened years ago.
I don’t want to get pulled backwards.
I don’t want to fight against this invisible enemy anymore.
I sought reconciliation as God led me.
I sought forgiveness.
I have forgiven.
I need God’s help to continue forward on His path for my life.
This is a stumbling block placed in His path for me that is there to make me fall and not want to get back up.
I’m filled with sadness that this pastor seemingly did not grab hold of that reconciliation, that he seems to believe lies he maybe has sealed in his mind concerning me.
I’m working through this as I write.
I can’t read his mind, maybe I am wrong.
There are plenty of red flag warning signs, though.
My concerns are legit.
I truly hope those red flags are my misunderstanding— or that God helps me look at them as though they are white flags, in surrender to Him.
Jemtree's Heart 