Tag: resolve

I’ll probably be as surprised by what I end up saying here as anyone who reads this will be.

What a week.

A man was murdered this week.

A man was martyred this week.

I expect WordPress will most likely suppress this as I’ve found they do. Even if I pay to have opportunities for this to be seen— I don’t fit that narrative they help push up to the top of accessibility.

I don’t care.

I’m tired.

But I’m finding this tired is different from the past.

This tired is more like resolve.

It’s more like— I do not care what people’s opinions and judgments of me are.

I want to step out and step up to whatever God’s challenges for me personally are.

In the past, I have trusted the opinions and judgments of others.

Something snapped off in me— something that has been suppressing my self-confidence, my ability to tap into my own self strength or even rely on God’s.

God is very much at work, and I want to know where and how someone like me can just join in.

I hit this wall today that at times seems to have been cushioned, and I think God used that to jar me awake.

I have no idea what moving forward for me will look like.

But I am going to move forward.

I think I’ve patiently relied on situations and maybe even people that aren’t ever going to match what God has put inside of me.

I don’t know what this means for me physically, or in any other way than hopefully spiritually.

I’ve always viewed myself as someone who is beneath others. Not as good as most.

Unworthy.

Unnecessary.

God has me here for a reason.

What He’s started decades ago in my heart, feels as though it’s been suppressed by me. Not intentionally, probably just in how I’ve thought I’m so much lower than others.

Whatever has been holding me down, has been trying to choke God’s Life out of me and leaves me feeling this complete lack of ability— I’m not falling for that anymore.

I’m no longer lulled to sleep by it.

Not anymore.

I think maybe I’m feeling a determination I have not felt in decades.

Now I need God’s direction.

I need Him to light my path, to be that lamp at my feet.

There is no aimless wandering with God— He always has a plan and a purpose.

I need God to work in me physically and emotionally.

I need Him to fortify me, and help me rest in His strength.

Wonder what things will look like in 6 months?

I hope I’ll be right in the middle of where God is at work.

Maybe I have been already, at least partially.

I guess I’ll just have to see. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯