Why?
This is the one word, the one question, that has defined so much of me.
Why?
Why has everything so often been such a fight for me?
My life, in so many ways, has been so exhausting.
I have gotten to a point where I don’t think much on my past.
My past no longer defines me.
Except in the minds and opinions of a few people who refuse to see I am not who I once was—
I’m not who they have thought I’ve been.
For years I felt like I was trapped inside of a mirror.
Some looked at me, and instead of seeing me—
—they see their opinion of me.
Opinions reflect back, and hide the reality of me.
I removed myself from that.
It was either leave, or die.
No one has seen the desperation I have dealt with in my own heart, because of my decisions and behaviors of past me.
God has seen, though.
He sees me.
The actual me.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.
So— finally— I have been walking in that freedom.
Until recently I walked right into a wall of that— once again.
And once again— there is that question
Why??
And here again is that mirror I am trapped in while this person admires his opinion of me.
It’s not imagined.
It’s not in my head.
It’s not something I can just not be affected by.
Because there will always be that question—
WHY??
I don’t deserve that.
Maybe if people who I should naturally receive acceptance from didn’t hold up their reflected opinions to define me instead of taking time and care to get to know me— maybe this would not matter.
But— that is not the case.
I was conditioned from an early age to believe that I can never be enough— good enough, smart enough, confident enough— to earn acceptance. Acceptance isn’t just given away.
I used to believe I had to just live inside of that reflection of their opinions.
I let them keep me there.
I accepted it.
Now I just want God to shatter that mirror and allow who He has formed me to be, who He has healed me to be—
Shine through.
His Light in my life can be blinding to those unprepared to see it.
He has healed my mind.
He replaced my broken/destroyed heart that had turned cold and hard from years of rejection, misunderstanding, lack of compassion, abuse and hard circumstances— replaced it with a heart of flesh.
He is continuously healing my body.
He healed my broken spirit.
I have moved closer to Him, as I have moved farther away from all of those who have a history of having caused me emotional and spiritual injury.
No one would want to walk in the shoes of my past.
I have to revisit some of these things to re-appreciate what I know God has done for me., and I don’t want to walk in the shoes of my past.
I finally feel freedom to allow joy to begin shining into and through me.
Some just don’t get it— I didn’t have joyfulness in the first half of my life.
They just don ‘t get it— I was living in mourning.
I still mourn the loss of my dad.
Not his death.
That we had no relationship.
That he missed out on the healthy relationship God wanted him to have with me.
I have mourned the loss of many relationships.
Until my husband won my heart— I never knew acceptance. I never had the freedom to just be me!
I had to learn who me is.
And now I know—
I am a child of God.
Jesus is now reflected through me, in me.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.
If those who value their opinions over God’s work cannot recognize that—
They are missing God.
After looking closely at all of this going on under the surface of me, and writing what I’m experiencing, realizing and feeling—
My spirit can breath again.
It’s no longer being suffocated.
My spirit is nurtured carefully by God.
He has been so, so GOOD to underserving
me.
Jemtree's Heart 