Know when it seems like everything around you is a type of storm? Like things are swirling around you, on occasion colliding into you, but it has distance, it all feels separate from you– outside of you.
And then there is that moment of “waking up” in realization that that’s also how you’ve been feeling inside? As if you’ve been falsely lulled into a type of complacency and false sense of peacefulness, while you’re actually living inside of the eye of that storm you’ve recognized that’s agitating around you?
I’ve been becoming aware recently that I’m in the middle of some storm-like build-ups.
The last few years has been a bit of a steep, uphill climb for me.
I think I’ve been ok with finding ways to cope or escape that are convenient for everyone.
I’ve gotten in the habit of staying up when everyone is asleep, and watching mindless shows, playing mindless games.
Everyone here has a reason to get away– whether they want to, or have to.
Except me.
I am *always* here.
I go places for errands, responsibilities, and bettering myself– sure.
My “escape” right now is Perry Mason and an ipad game.
I need a break.
I need a road trip for me– with me.
Last month was full of tough things, changes, and I was sick.
This month is my birthday month– a birthday I am not looking forward to embracing.
The last 3 years have been very difficult in so many ways.
Recovery physically and emotionally–
It’s taking its toll on me now.
I used to go on road trips by myself, many years ago.
I think I just need to get back to some of “me”– the me before the wife me and the mom me took me over.
I need to visit some of the old me before I grew into this old me now.
Maybe then this storm I’m feeling will calm all the way back down.
Jemtree's Heart 