Fathers – Jemtree's Heart

Anger is a stumbling block and a thief.

Saul— before God gave him the new name of Paul— struggled with being angered by those he believed were blasphemous towards God.

So much so he had several followers of Jesus Christ killed.

After extreme measures by God to get his full, repentant, attention, God redeemed him.

Paul became so submitted to God, He entrusted his life and his death to Him. He feared nothing because he knew he was experiencing what he himself deserved after all he had done to others before Jesus saved him.

Maybe the mentioned mysterious thorn in his side was his knowing what he had done— knowing that he, “the chief of sinners” (as he called himself)— was undeserving— disqualified—because of his earthly actions. But God CHOSE to look past that, to forgive him and redeem him and use him to become a pillar of wisdom, knowledge, love, mentorship and leadership for us all. Still today through God’s Word, Paul is being used to bring freedom, healing, wisdom, knowledge, redemption, God’s forgiveness, and lasting fruit of God’s Holy Spirit.

Grace.

Peace.

Kindness.

Patience.

Love.

Self control.

Everything Good thing that comes from God.

During Moses’s early life, he was set apart. He chose to suffer with his people, rather than indulge in the lifestyle he had been placed within. He chose God rather than submit to the leadership of the wealthy, earthly kingdom family even as he had been taken in as their own. He forsook Egypt, unafraid because of his faith in the Eternal God of his true people. Through faith he practiced, faithfully, the purposed traditions of his birth people, the Israelites. (Hebrews 11:23-29)

And yet— Moses killed a man— but God still chose to use him, chose to redeem his actions, to save His people. He did something unthinkable— yet God used him to part the red sea to set God’s people free from being slaves to the Egyptian government— the Israelites were some the world’s first examples of human trafficking.

God looks out for those who are mistreated— He rescues them— though we may not always recognize that’s what He’s doing. He uses us— as we submit fully to Him— to do so.

He cares.

He rescues.

He redeems.

He gives purpose.

He told Moses not to strike the rock with anger, but to speak to the rock— and He had His reasons. Maybe because speaking to that was metaphoric for God speaking to our rock-hard hearts. Or maybe because Moses had such a temper, he scared others and they didn’t feel safe with him. Because of Moses’s temper getting out of control with whiny, complaining— scared and unbelieving— Israelites, Moses lost His opportunity to enter the earthly promised land God gave to the Israelites.

But— Moses is one that was “seen” with Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration— Mount Tabor (Luke 9:28-36).

If we look through the lens of these two fallible, messed-up men— we get a pair of example-binoculars to see God through.

These two “fathers” of Faith.

My own earthly father suffered from uncontrolled anger. (If I’m honest— we all suffered from his uncontrollable anger.) To this day I still react out of the “conditioning” I learned from just trying to not make my dad mad. In my own adult life I have offered to take the blame— be the scapegoat— in order to prevent someone else from having to suffer the consequences of someone else’s anger. Because that’s what I was forced to do as a kid. I was terrified of my dad’s anger— the actions that came out of that enraged condition.

I can imagine how terrified the Israelites could have been as Moses displayed anger— rage— on the few occasions we have on record in God’s Word. I can also imagine their hearts turning hard as rocks towards God because of the anger His chosen vessel displayed towards them!! When my brother and I complained or fought in the backseat of my dad’s car, he would reach back and smack us hard. I don’t think Moses ever struck the Israelites— but he broke the tablets of Commandments He wrote out while He was in that physical and spiritual high place communing one-on-one with God Himself. How scary that must have been— even though they certainly provoked Moses to react in anger. Moses hit the rock, out of anger provoked by afraid, lack-of-faith Israelites, when God specifically told him to **speak** to it in order to bring forth water for the Israelites in the desert to drink. Moses got angry because the Israelites were mirroring his own lack of self control— but rather than confront that with God’s directed way— he reacted from his own flesh reaction.

I used to struggle with anger. Anger born out of fear— anger I mirrored from what I had witnessed from my earthly dad.

When I gave my life entirely to God, He set me apart so far from my old life, He moved me across the world. He removed me from a toxic environment that most likely would have somehow killed me by now.

He has chipped away at everything that instilled anger that used to burn constantly at a low “heat” within my heart. He has tamped that down and instead He has stoked His love and concern for others as He built a new kind of fire within my heart of hearts.

It’s something He fans, the flames swell and flicker from the breezy winds of His Holy Spirit within me, outside of me or my control.

Out of the ashes of the fruit of anger, He has caused His purpose to become the fruition of my life.

I’m no Moses or Paul, or any named person written in God’s Word for us.

I am however written with His Book of Life.

Despite me..

Well, what can I say about my dad? Where do I start? I guess I will introduce him to you.

He is James Roy Bennett Jr. He is the oldest of 3 children, the only boy, and both his parents have passed away. He’s a musician (plays/played the guitar, sings, and wrote his own songs, including one for me called Jami Michelle). He’s a disabled Vietnam era Veteran. He grew up under tough circumstances, in a tough house. Worse than many, but not as bad as it could have been.

I know 4 sides to my dad. The first side is tender. I remember him singing the song he wrote for me when I was very young, probably about 3. I don’t have many memories before the age of 10, but time, and God I believe, have been kind to me and allowed me to remember some good things that my heart holds valuable.

The second side is angry. While I was growing up, my dad faced so many obstacles, both because of his disability and lack from his own childhood. He didn’t handle things well, and for that reason I hated him for a very long time. He made choices that hurt me, and he was unapproachable.

The 3rd side is hilarious. He told the funniest jokes and usually had us laughing wildly on road trips. We played 20 questions for hours, sang “Jingle Bells” as he beeped it on the car horn through tunnels, and giggled insanely at his playing on words. He could also be crude and inappropriate, which made me so uncomfortable, but the fun stuff made all the traveling worth it.

The 4th side is vulnerable. I have seen my dad at his weakest, and because I was able to forgive him, that caused me to feel protective towards him. I’ve seen him in grave condition with a ventilator helping him stay alive, much like I’m sure he is now. He thumbed his nose at death then. I’m not sure he’ll do that this time.

Listening to others talk about their relationship with their dad has always made me feel cheated and even jealous. I wish I had my dad encouraging me, cheering for me, and playfully interacting with his grandchildren. We have all been robbed. He’s lived in nursing homes and hospital care since 2003. Military life has kept us at quite a physical distance from him while our relationship has kept us at an emotional one. My kids know the fun things about their Grandpa Jim, and a little about his strictness. They don’t know the man I grew up fearing and hating. My daughter has her own tender memories of my dad from when she was 3, but none of the fearful ones I have purposefully shielded her from. I see no purpose is telling his grandchildren the negative things, I won’t pass on my burdens about him to them. They deserve fun, happy memories.

I said my good-byes and made peace in my heart as we traveled back from Okinawa in 2009, not knowing if he would have passed on or clung to life by the time we landed. It’s been in the back of my mind that he will die at some point. So, it surprises me that I am having such a tough time dealing with it now. It surprises me that my heart is broken that he will probably never meet his youngest grandson and get to see his smile light up the room, or get to hear his crazy laughter. My boys won’t have the fun memories that our daughter has, won’t hear his silliness about things like driving over painted warnings, him yelling, “Watch out! A head!”

The “best” of my dad will be passed on as the condensed version, instead of experienced by them firsthand, while the worst will remain in the past, not known by them at all. I think that envelopes the meaning of “honoring your parents in the Lord“. God didn’t add, “if you think they deserve it” to that commandment.