Hate – Jemtree's Heart

Exodus 20:2-17 NKJV)1“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me. 2“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments. 3“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. 4“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. 5“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. 6“You shall not murder.7“You shall not commit adultery. 8“You shall not steal. 9“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. 10“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

God added this into His Commandments for us all to live by, for a reason.

When we ruin the credibility of another, for whatever reason, we crush that person’s potential.

I have lived under the crushing weight of this for much of my life. As soon as I think I’ve broken free from the stranglehold of someone else’s lie about me, it comes back to smack me in the face.

It not only limits what God is able to accomplish through my life, it grieves the Holy Spirit, because He can’t use my life fully and His calling in me has been stunted.

What is the one sin God’s Word tells us that God will not forgive?

Grieving His Holy Spirit.

I may live under that crushing weight— still to this day— but the ones that have done this to me will have to face God about it.

Don’t lie about others.

God is not pleased by it.

It is hateful, pure and simple.

As much as it has felt suffocating and impossible for me to escape from, I believe it angers God. He has plans for my life.

He will, one day (soon, I hope), break me free from that false prison my reputation and credibility have been entrapped in.

I reacted to something I feel very deeply troubled about. I confided in someone I thought I could trust, I mistakenly believed she was a safe source, my friend… What I shared was told to several others— including one of the people it was about.

I was accused of lying.

I didn’t lie.

Serious consequences happened to me, as a result.

Those who knew the truth abandoned me, just watched as so much was ripped out from under my feet.

I have patiently endured this, even thought it finally had vanished.

But— it’s back.

I pray God brings the ones who accused me falsely of lying— to repent.

Because my patience with this has reached its end.

This has made my relationships with people involved toxic.

Only God can repair things.

I pray that He will. Because I’m washing my hands of the entire thing.

Since no one really reads my blog, I can pretty much say what I want to, and not many will know, none will care.

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like crying. I want to yell. I want to find a way to shut down the avenues connecting to my past that keep trying to lock me into who people thought I was.

Some people have family who actually like them, who speak highly of them, and build them up. But, not me. I have family that hates me. Even worse: they falsely pity me. (This does not include my husband, who really does know me, likes me, and builds me up.)

I hate my family. I hate my past life with them. I don’t want anything to do with them. Ever. Unless they repent and stop trying to lock me into a negative prison made from their own inaccurate judgements.

I feel sick because people I thought of as trusted friends would rather look at me through my family’s poisoned, unclear perception. I am never seen or heard, because my family’s opinions are so LOUD.

Do you know what it’s like to grow up with a family member who was more unstable than stable? Do you know what it’s like to be abused by a family member, only to have other family members cover it up and accuse you of lying about it? Do you have any idea how devastating it is to just not be believed, or even to be treated like you’re stupid, crazy, dishonest, or invalidated? How do you rise above that? How do you overcome those tremendously large, jagged mountain-like obstacles?

Well, I have chosen to just walk away. From all of it. I forgive. I can forget. But I refuse to subject myself to it anymore. I refuse to allow it any room to be attached to my identity.

Thankfully God has seen. He knows the truth about me, and my past. He knows the obstacles I face because of my family. He knows my weaknesses, and He knows my strengths. He created me to be a fighting survivor in order to overcome what He foresaw my struggles would be. He has taken hold of my life and reformed it into something useful. My identity is no longer in my family or my past. My identity is hidden in Him, safe.

People may think the worst of me, or believe they should pity me. But, God knows the reality, the truth. And, because of that I can rest in Him.

I am safe, secure, and where I belong, in the Hands of God. Under the shelter of His Wings.