disappointment – Jemtree's Heart

I think, often– at least for me– when I “deal” with disappointment, I just pack away the feelings and issues it has caused for me.

It’s all neat and tidy, seems super easy to just leave it all behind.

Except– things don’t always stay “packed”.

They “nag” at me.

They pop up from sudden hidden “triggers” in conversations, memories, interactions with certain people– hearing specific songs, eating specific foods…

What’s in your disappointment boxes?

My boxes tend to have any of my thoughts about the situation or person stuffed in them.

I “tape” them shut, but it doesn’t always hold them.

I think I’ve got it all handled, but see– the issues are always tricky.

Boxes can’t really hold them.

Like we imagine or believe ghosts flow through walls and floors of houses– residual consequences from disappointment seep right out of those boxes I so carefully shove them into.

Sometimes as I stand up and walk away– they just follow me.

Sometimes they actually trip me up and push my red buttons of anxiety, stress, even anger.

As a Christian, I try to just lay everything down, figuratively, at the foot of the cross through prayer, or singing of God’s Word and biblical ideas.

I know all the answers and what should-be’s…

I am fluent in Christianese, I “get” how I am supposed to look as I embrace American standard Christian practices.

But the truth is– if I don’t actually deal with what I shove into those boxes, I haven’t actually left them to die where Jesus died for us.

I’m really just practicing “out of sight, out of mind”.

Leaving things at the foot of the cross is meant for us to deal with them, honestly and openly, with God.

Confessing– admitting– how we feel, how much we hurt or it stings– to Him–

Not unleashing my box content on others.

Asking for God’s help to walk away or embracing how God brings about newness in me as a result of the disappointment cause.

God turns things around for my good, for His Good– because anything good can only come from God.

So I am learning, I have to unpack my boxes at the foot of the cross– I can’t just dump them there and walk away.

I have to be open for God to work– God will move me on when He chooses, how He chooses, and for His purpose.

He made me His vessel.

As His vessel– I can’t allow myself to be filled with junk that’s not even from Him.

If my garbage is there, His blessings can’t flow in and through me.

His healing power can’t flow in and through me.

My junk crowds out the goodness of God, it rejects and taints His healing.

Forgiveness is stifled.

Anything I do on my own without Him, thinking I can ignore it or just walk away from it, it becomes a blockage keeping Him at a distance.

My boxes become a wall between He and I.

I need Jesus to tear down all of those walls.

I need to surrender all of the contents to Him.

Only then can I receive the abundant, healthy Life He has for me.

Only then can I truly and thoroughly–

Move on.

Usually I make myself available for others to talk with, to help with their online businesses, to help their friends with their online businesses…

It’s rarely convenient for me. But I value people and sincerely want to help others succeed.

I’m seeing how little that is actually valued beyond the moment it happens, so I’m stopping that part of my friendship offering.

If I kept a journal of friends and family seeking me out first to talk with and spend time with because they genuinely enjoy my company, because they take an interest in what I am interested in– it would be full of blank pages.

I have become that person that is an afterthought to everyone. I’m the convenient one to ask to buy things, or help get someone through some sort of a bind– as long as I don’t ask for the same in return.

I’m the person who has no value outside of political opinions. And if mine don’t match yours– I am valueless.

I’m the mom expected to help in the nursery or with the kids at church often, to pay my “dues” since I have kids– and if I don’t, I’m the mom everyone gets upset with.

I have been a giving person because I want to be. I can’t remember the last time I was given to. I rarely ask for advice or help– especially when I need it, because I already know I will be hard-pressed to find it.

I often say yes just because I know too well how it feels to be told no.

Well…

Now it’s going to be no.

No more helping online parties. No more sacrificing sleep to listen and be there for someone across the world. No more taking up someone else’s interests just to spend time with them.

I am right now feeling exactly how empty giving of myself has made me.

I am now unavailable. I doubt it will be noticed or that I will be missed.

Someday God will also be unavailable. Seek Him while He May be found– because instead you may find Him unavailable and at that point it will be too late.

3 fingers pointing back at myself at that reminder.