The Difference

There was a time when fear ruled my heart.

Long ago, I worried about the reactions and opinions of the people in my world. If I stumbled, they were right there to let me know, to make it clear their disapproval and disappointment were always in front of my sight, as motivation to be more cautious to not stumble in front of them again.

As a result, I allowed fear of failing to be the guide I followed after, oh so closely.

That fear compelled me to try to look and act— to be— as perfect as possible.

Perfection is a cruel master. Enslaved by this idea that anything less than perfection was reject-able, I exhausted myself, working to live up to what in reality is really just a set-up-to-fail mirage.

Perfection is unattainable. It’s unsustainable.

And yet— I wanted the positive attentions it promised to provide.

The times when I felt maybe I was close to achieving that sought-after reward, the let-down was tremendously impactful.

Loneliness, emptiness, exhaustive self-focus and introspection made me so weary.

Whatever I accomplished was just never enough.

Whether real or imagined, the opinions that seemed to come from others haunted my continuously futile efforts.

I let my thoughts beat me down.

Looking back on the miserable life I gained from living under that pointless cycle, I can see the difference.

Being set free from that enslavement of exhaustive pursuits for an elusive, ever-changing standard has given my heart a lightness that I can feel this amazing relief, in comparison to my life before.

As I was set free from that heavy, ugly yoke of pleasing others, I felt a new freedom to stumble without fear of being beaten down. Years later, looking back, I can see how I was crushed under the weight of that entrapment.

My new Master lavishes me with grace and blessings,. He lifts my head, rather than casting me out, encumbered with shame and self-loathing.

He helps me to my feet, does not leave me to be mauled by my heartbreak and thoughts of inadequacy or failure.

So many wonderful, positive things encompass this freedom to just seek after Him. Seeking after Him removed my focus from both the world around me and my own short falls.

The world is a cruel taskmaster.

Jesus is freedom, peace of mind and heart, and an unspeakable beauty that comes from within, where His Spirit resides.

As Christians there is no greater achievement than full surrender to the possession of God’s Spirit within us.

I have not achieved that yet. I fall short too many times a day to even count. I stumble often and it’s actually ok. My soul finds rest and peace, as I am encompassed now within the grace and mercy God pours into me.

The difference is grace.

The difference is Jesus.