February 2024 – Jemtree's Heart

The number of times I have heard people say this to me is mind-numbing.

I have wished to be the type of person who smiles easily.

I’m just not.

I walked away, and turned my back on past traumas.

I have bravely confronted the causes of painful wounds that were caused by the sharp cutting of things outside of my control.

I have embraced the peace, love and joy I receive continuously from God.

None of this frees me to walk as though I am care-free, though.

Just because God has given and I have embraced joy– that does not translate to smile.

Joy does not equal happy.

Not in my book, anyway.

Joy brings tears to my eyes.

Joy brings peace to my soul.

Joy reminds me that Jesus identifies with me, He has felt my pain.

Joy does not equal smile.

Yes Jesus died for my sins, and my soul rejoices with singing and thankfulness.

But the traumas I have endured and pushed through– surrendering myself over and over again to God for His healing– they still happened.

Smile to me says “Pretend they never happened. Fake happy until you convince yourself you are happy.”

I have never once read in my Bible any commandment telling me to be happy.

I have, however, read that I am to be content in all things, patient and kind, generous and forgiving…

Not happy.

I finally figured out– the reason people throughout my life have told me to “Smile!” is because it makes them feel more comfortable.

My reasons for being unable to smile aren’t considered, just how much better others feel around me as long as I just smile.

When I hear how or see how others have been encouraged, embraced and supported in healthy ways by other family members– my soul feels a painful heaviness.

When I am honest and remember the struggles in my life now, and how the ones all throughout my life add to the weight of these newer ones– I am not able to smile.

A smile says everything is ok.

Well– it’s really not. Everything is not ok.

Does that mean I never laugh or smile at things?

It does not.

My “resting” face is not smiling.

My true friends know this, know me and my “why’s”, and accept this about me.

I’m not going to pretend.

Maybe God will grant me some amount of light-hearted times where smiling is not painful.

No matter what though, I know– I will smile all the time in Heaven. ✝️

I think, often– at least for me– when I “deal” with disappointment, I just pack away the feelings and issues it has caused for me.

It’s all neat and tidy, seems super easy to just leave it all behind.

Except– things don’t always stay “packed”.

They “nag” at me.

They pop up from sudden hidden “triggers” in conversations, memories, interactions with certain people– hearing specific songs, eating specific foods…

What’s in your disappointment boxes?

My boxes tend to have any of my thoughts about the situation or person stuffed in them.

I “tape” them shut, but it doesn’t always hold them.

I think I’ve got it all handled, but see– the issues are always tricky.

Boxes can’t really hold them.

Like we imagine or believe ghosts flow through walls and floors of houses– residual consequences from disappointment seep right out of those boxes I so carefully shove them into.

Sometimes as I stand up and walk away– they just follow me.

Sometimes they actually trip me up and push my red buttons of anxiety, stress, even anger.

As a Christian, I try to just lay everything down, figuratively, at the foot of the cross through prayer, or singing of God’s Word and biblical ideas.

I know all the answers and what should-be’s…

I am fluent in Christianese, I “get” how I am supposed to look as I embrace American standard Christian practices.

But the truth is– if I don’t actually deal with what I shove into those boxes, I haven’t actually left them to die where Jesus died for us.

I’m really just practicing “out of sight, out of mind”.

Leaving things at the foot of the cross is meant for us to deal with them, honestly and openly, with God.

Confessing– admitting– how we feel, how much we hurt or it stings– to Him–

Not unleashing my box content on others.

Asking for God’s help to walk away or embracing how God brings about newness in me as a result of the disappointment cause.

God turns things around for my good, for His Good– because anything good can only come from God.

So I am learning, I have to unpack my boxes at the foot of the cross– I can’t just dump them there and walk away.

I have to be open for God to work– God will move me on when He chooses, how He chooses, and for His purpose.

He made me His vessel.