encouragement – Jemtree's Heart

I think we all have well-meaning people in our lives. You know the ones that are quick to redirect our honest, heartfelt, deep moments of transparency, into something that makes them feel more comfortable.

The ones that think they know us well enough to correct us.

But reality is— they just don’t get us at all.

They don’t realize the wall they are putting up, or the signals they send.

Maybe this is why God is often the only One I feel comfort in, or safe confiding in.

God has never left me feeling like something is wrong with me.

He never leaves me feeling like I’m stupid, or over-sensitive, or misunderstanding His Word or calling on my life.

He never tells me to push myself farther than I know is too much for me.

He tells me to lean on Him, that He is my strength.

Not that I have to do things in my own strength or because it’s what people are expecting me to do or be like.

God has never made me feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about.

God never makes me feel like I’m a burden.

I am often confronted with things I see others have that I just don’t have.

Relationships I’ve just never had access to, for whatever reason.

I’ve spent my life working to be for others what I’ve wished I had.

Someone who hasn’t been in my shoes can’t understand my perspective.

That doesn’t mean my perspective is wrong.

That doesn’t make me a target for mocking and sarcastic opinions.

That makes me normal.

I have been broken.

God has chosen to repair some things, but He has also— for His reasons— chosen to not repair other things.

Relationships.

Giving my life to Christ has not fixed anything about me to perfection.

I have been conditioned to feel ashamed, to feel “less than” everyone else.

But Not by God.

God has been working deeply in me to re-condition me. To fix ungodly beliefs about me being deserving of nothing more than being under the feet of others. Ungodly beliefs that I deserve to be the scapegoat carrying the shame of others.

That is not what God has created me to be.

I have grown children, and I’m still struggling with a belief system imposed on me as a child— the belief that things would be better if I just weren’t born. Belief that I’m supposed to take the blame for things others have done.

Belief that my reputation, my feelings— my life— don’t matter like everyone else’s does.

Undeserving of the life God chose to give to me.

Those are lies of the enemy of God that people who claim to be Christians have imposed upon me.

It’s not often, anymore, that I reflect upon these things.

As I do now, I recognize God’s Hand upon my life.

God moved me away. He has provided for me and nurtured me.

As The Potter, He has been deep at work reshaping the ungodly beliefs others have bestowed upon me. People I have striven to impress, to gain the attention and affection of.

Even today, decades later, the striving is in vain.

It’s exhausting being the only one that cares about nurturing relationships I’ve wanted to desperately hang on to.

I am exhausted.

So— I am letting them go.

I’m not expecting the same effort I put in. In fact— I’ve already experienced the evidence that I can fade off into the distance, and just be gossip, but no relationship.

Experience has taught me I’m not someone others will put that effort into.

Emotionally it has always been a taxing thing for me. It has caused anxiety, stress— worry…

Physically I am just as weak as I am emotionally, now.

My reaction wants to be to just not care.

But that’s not how God made me.

God made me to not only care— He made me to empathize with others who have similar experiences.

There are those I’ve tried to share things with that will tell me to calm down, that I’m too sensitive, that what I’m feeling or understanding isn’t real.

Those people are wrong.

And I’m done hitting the walls they put up out of intolerance for what is just me.

God placed them in my life. I don’t believe they are fulfilling God’s calling for them in my life, and I do think God cares.

Often my spirit feels weighted down with a sense of grieving. That is just fact.

It’s not depression.

It’s not self-esteem issues.

It’s grief.

Grief over the ones who helped instill those ungodly beliefs God is working to fix my understanding of.

Grief as He calls attention to them, as He focuses on making sure I recognize each one of them, and He shows me what His Truth about each one is.

People are fallible.

I just want to be malleable under His Hand as He works out all of those mars and lumps.

NF – All I Have Lyrics excerpts “All I ever wanted was somebody to hear me
And all I ever wanted was somebody to feel me
And everybody wanna tell me that I’m out of my head…”
“And you better get ready cause you might find
I’m from a different place and my kind
It’s a little bit different than yours is…”
“I don’t live for the world
I live for the King, I live for the King, focus
Wrote this with emotion
You do what you wanted but you can’t contain me…”

Don’t tell me that this isn’t real, don’t tell me it’s not how I feel…”

“All I ever wanted was somebody to get this…”
“I stand behind these words. I’m a Christian but I’m not perfect
Don’t tell me to calm down. I’m calm now,…”
“Yeah it might take a minute to get it but once you get it everything will be crystal clear
I don’t think they see my vision here. I don’t think they see my vision here!
Don’t tell me that this isn’t real
Don’t tell me this ain’t how I feel
This is all I have. All I have.”

NF – All I Have

Lately I’ve been missing a family type of environment.

Having a group of people to laugh with, cry with, and have things in common with.

Where we have lived for many years is a fluid-like community— people always coming and going, no time to form long-lasting friendships that won’t become distant connections.

Don’t get me wrong— I love where we live. Location isn’t what needs to change for me.

As an introspective person, some of my first thoughts in most situations is to dig around in myself to look for root causes.

This is no different.

So— here I go.

A few years ago, during all the lockdowns and internationally persuaded isolation, I went through one of the most difficult times of my whole life.

I’m not new to difficult situations. My entire life has been wrapped with overly complicated things. Being a military spouse in itself is a level of difficult you can only fully understand after experiencing it.

But— a few years ago, a deeper level of difficult hit me hard, knocked the wind out of me and the foundation out from under me— destroyed important things that kept some sort of hope in me alive.

In that situation, I realized— my corner was empty. I had not one person I could go to, that I could bare my soul to.

Thankfully, I have learned that Jesus is the One I always have in my corner.

(Putting a “pin” in that— that’s the happy, perfect ending to this post.

I’m in the middle of it, though.)

Getting back to my thoughts— I had No person.

Then— one very unexpected family member reached out to me and told me if I ever need to talk, he is there to listen.

That is the first time anyone has ever offered that to me— and meant it. That gave me some of the hope back. I don’t know how I could ever talk with him about these things, but just knowing he was willing to reach out— that just made all the difference for me.

Most often, after I get through hard times, I do find people who I can share with to encourage them in their hard times. Sometimes they even let me encourage them. Sadly, some seem to react negatively. One person even told me I intimidated her because I’ve just been through so much, seen so much, experienced so much…

I can’t help that.

It’s just my life.

Because I’ve just gone through things, fought against them, pushed through so much, (usually alone), I have sincerely striven to be the type of person people can rely on to not have to go through things alone.

More than just about anything, I’ve wanted to be available— to be in the corner when someone who may not have anyone else, needs that.

Because I know what that feels like.

It makes the mountains seem impossible to get past.

But— with someone in our corner, we often move those mountains rather than try to overcome them. They are no longer intimidating.

My husband and I were talking recently about who we felt we could call at 4 am for urgent or emergency needs. What relationships have we formed that could hold up a need to lean on it?

Getting back to my “pin”…

I have learned through trial, error,—even personally devastating circumstances— that Jesus truly is always there.

I have learned that He is my Strength. He is my Fortress. He is my Provider. He is my Shelter in every storm. He is my Counselor.

He is my Savior— in every way, in every situation, in every relationship.

He IS.

He always provides the people who will be the ones for that 4 am call.

He will provide for this need I have for a family type group that I fit in with, that I have things in common with., that will listen and not be intimidated— or offended— when I share my life experiences and what God has done in them and through them.

He will provide a group that is family-like that won’t make fun of and mock the things that mean a great deal to me, to others when they talk about me. Those who won’t shut me out or argue because they don’t agree.

People who enjoy talking with me and listening to me.

People who sincerely value what I have to say.

Because He’s the One Who has made me realize just how much I need that.