Tag: Anxiety

reality

Leaning In

jem

It’s the busy season. Again

I seem to have an instinctive counter-balance to busy-ness, or just an outright aversion to it.

I find myself pulling back, away from constant activities.

From what I understand of myself— I feel like if I get carried away by the undercurrents of life, then I will lose my ability to pay attention.

I need to pay attention intentionally.

I need to know— not just feel— that I am aware and in control as much as possible to all I say and do.

Because when I don’t, when I just give in to all that stuff, that’s when anxiety comes in and it weighs down my consciousness, it trips me up and knocks down my confidence.

Anxiety blind sides me, and knocks the wind out of me.

Physically, I have to pre-plan, to think through obstacles.

Mentally, I need to pre-plan.

Emotionally I need to pre-plan interactions with most people.

Spiritually— I don’t need to pre-plan. God meets me where I am.

Throughout my life, I’ve developed this thing where instead of avoiding most pain (not all pain), I tend to lean into it to test how much I can stand, and if I can push through it or if leaning into it makes it unbearable.

Watching the video for NF’s new release—Fear— I am wondering if I were to lean into anxiety and fear, if it would respond the same way as pain.

I try very hard to hold on to and maintain self awareness. I worry that if I get pulled along with that current of busy-ness, if I interact with other people more often without pulling myself back, I won’t be able to hold on to that self awareness.

I find often I feel I’m expected to explain myself, to defend my actions, and try to “blend in” without causing any “waves”.

So, I step out of that current.

I am aware of when anxiety will begin its rituals of suppression. Sometimes, I even get a physical numb kind of sensation.

That’s when I step back, and away.

I don’t want to even be near where the current is pulling me.

I just want to isolate.

It’s so much easier to lean into self isolation than into anxiety.

Anyway— these are just thoughts I’m having as I watch NF’s new video.

Because to me, that’s what I see him (NF) doing. He tried to free himself from it. And now he is leaning back into the darkness that once plagued him.— while he is seeking God. And God is going to deliver him from all of that. Because— God never leaves us or forsakes us.

Leaning into something is not the same as giving into it.

Leaning into it is pushing back.

It’s standing up under the pressure of it— even when we might feel we are being crushed by it.

It’s testing the resistance of that anxiety or fear.

And— it’s knowing God is bigger, stronger and we belong to Him— He will conquer it, fight our battle against it, for us.

Because nothing can separate us from the love of God— no thing.

Pray for NF as he has transparently shown he is struggling.

God is already working, already planning how He will bring us all through to the other side where His freedom belongs to us all.

introspection, reality

Moving On From Disappointment

jem

I think, often– at least for me– when I “deal” with disappointment, I just pack away the feelings and issues it has caused for me.

It’s all neat and tidy, seems super easy to just leave it all behind.

Except– things don’t always stay “packed”.

They “nag” at me.

They pop up from sudden hidden “triggers” in conversations, memories, interactions with certain people– hearing specific songs, eating specific foods…

What’s in your disappointment boxes?

My boxes tend to have any of my thoughts about the situation or person stuffed in them.

I “tape” them shut, but it doesn’t always hold them.

I think I’ve got it all handled, but see– the issues are always tricky.

Boxes can’t really hold them.

Like we imagine or believe ghosts flow through walls and floors of houses– residual consequences from disappointment seep right out of those boxes I so carefully shove them into.

Sometimes as I stand up and walk away– they just follow me.

Sometimes they actually trip me up and push my red buttons of anxiety, stress, even anger.

As a Christian, I try to just lay everything down, figuratively, at the foot of the cross through prayer, or singing of God’s Word and biblical ideas.

I know all the answers and what should-be’s…

I am fluent in Christianese, I “get” how I am supposed to look as I embrace American standard Christian practices.

But the truth is– if I don’t actually deal with what I shove into those boxes, I haven’t actually left them to die where Jesus died for us.

I’m really just practicing “out of sight, out of mind”.

Leaving things at the foot of the cross is meant for us to deal with them, honestly and openly, with God.

Confessing– admitting– how we feel, how much we hurt or it stings– to Him–

Not unleashing my box content on others.

Asking for God’s help to walk away or embracing how God brings about newness in me as a result of the disappointment cause.

God turns things around for my good, for His Good– because anything good can only come from God.

So I am learning, I have to unpack my boxes at the foot of the cross– I can’t just dump them there and walk away.

I have to be open for God to work– God will move me on when He chooses, how He chooses, and for His purpose.

He made me His vessel.

As His vessel– I can’t allow myself to be filled with junk that’s not even from Him.

If my garbage is there, His blessings can’t flow in and through me.

His healing power can’t flow in and through me.

My junk crowds out the goodness of God, it rejects and taints His healing.

Forgiveness is stifled.

Anything I do on my own without Him, thinking I can ignore it or just walk away from it, it becomes a blockage keeping Him at a distance.

My boxes become a wall between He and I.

I need Jesus to tear down all of those walls.

I need to surrender all of the contents to Him.

Only then can I receive the abundant, healthy Life He has for me.

Only then can I truly and thoroughly–

Move on.

reality, Strong Woman

Mess— What You See Is Not What You Get

jem

I’m not what anyone would call a “put together” person.

Hot mess doesn’t even define me— just mess.

Messy.

Messed-up…

No matter how much I fight this exhausting battle of imperfection— in me and in my living space— I have yet to conquer this.

Not dirty.

Cluttered.

My space is too small for all I have.

Don’t get me started on “downsizing”.

And please don’t offer me suggestions or advice.

Just

Don’t.

I have always been sensitive about this issue.

Ashamed.

Frustrated.

Rejected.

Talked about…

Today I choose to embrace the facts.

I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not like anyone else.

I never will be.

Talking with my husband last night, he reminded me—

I have had a lot of experiences.

Experiences no one else has.

Things that— literally— nearly killed me.

Physical, emotional, mental

Traumas.

I am done apologizing for what so many see with their eyes and their opinions— as wrong with me.

I do what I can.

I face mind-numbing overwhelm.

I have stared that down many times.

Sometimes it wins.

Lately though— I win.

So my house has “stuff”.

There are reasons that will never matter to my critics.

They don’t care about my “why’s”

They just care about their preferred ways— how things “should” be.

I have struggled with being lost in a sea of opinions by sight or “first impressions”.

Very few people have taken the time look past, ignore, or focus on person me.

I am not my house.

I am not just a mess.

I am a survivor.

I am a fighter.

I am thriving in increasing health as my body heals from the inside out.

I am many testimonies of God saving, protecting, healing, repairing, changing—

I am the me that God has created.

If you only know me by the imperfect nature of appearance and/or my house—

You have completely missed it— missed me.

That really is your loss.

introspection

Be Anxious For Nothing— But How??

jem

I feel stressed.

While this isn’t a new thing, the intensity of this feeling is more than usual.

So, while I know the Bible instructs me to “Be anxious for nothing…” I am struggling right now with that very issue.

Circumstances far beyond my control.

Worry over family and friends.

Plowing a new course for my future career.

Weight loss and emotional healing bringing old buried memories and reactions to the overly-sensitive surface…

Anxiety hasn’t been an obstacle to me in decades. But there it is, staring me down.

Deep breath in, let it out slowwwww…

God is already there, plowing my path for me.

He’s got me.

He’s always got me.

I can do this.

One step at a time.

Breathing through the waves of panic that threaten to soak through my resolve.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 NKJ

Instead of giving in to anxiety, frustration or fear, I will pray. I will thank God for everything, because without Him, I couldn’t appreciate the good that comes from painful, hard times.

God has a purpose, God has a plan— for me. He will never fail me, He will never abandon me.

My first prayer is for God to help me surrender all that anxiety and everything tangled up in it, to Him.

All of it.

There is no sense holding on to that. It does not contribute anything beneficial to my life or my emotions.

Time to step away from the anxiety, and let God’s peace flood my mind, my heart, my body and my spirit.

🎵 “All to Jesus, I surrender all to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.“🎵

Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Being Falsely Accused

jem

“‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” (Deut 5:20 )

Don’t take hold of a misunderstanding, giving it no opportunity to be resolved or cleared up, and instead tell others about it as if it were the truth.

1-sad-girl-bad-love-relationship-quotes-photo-images-wallpaper-fanzwave-netMisunderstandings happen.  I have often hoped for grace from others when I have either misunderstood something, or I have been misunderstood.

But there is a pride in some that just won’t let them admit they have misunderstood something. That lack of communication that could most often keep friendships safe, marriages strong and family close in heart, often gets overlooked or disregarded.

That’s when anxiety pulls the strings with impulsive reactions, causes a spewing out of hurtful words that can’t be pulled back in under a controlled tongue. The mind plays tricks, creates scenarios that consume concentration. Reality is saturated with illusions and injections of a “read between the lines” offensiveness that often doesn’t even exist.

Negative, accusing thoughts are illuminated and become like darts of poison to a misunderstanding.

The wisdom of God‘s Word in Philippians 4:6 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (NASB)  stands out like a beacon of light on the darkest of nights.

God’s Word heeded saves friendships during times of misunderstanding.

I grieve the loss of friendships torn away from me by confusion of circumstances, misreading of intentions, and not having open heart-to-heart conversations.

Be anxious for nothing. But in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving: Let your requests be made known to God.

That seems so clear. Until I walk away from it, and my thoughts remind me of a perceived offense.

In light of God’s advice: maybe my own perception is affected and influenced by things outside of what really happened. Maybe what I see is tainted by my choice to instead meditate on the perception. Perhaps my prideful ego suckled on the bitterness of a false negative, while stirring up strife in my heart and in the hearts and lives of others.

Who wants to admit when they’ve made a mistake? Isn’t it easier to instead cover it up and share with others the perceived offense? Doesn’t the sweetness of revenge that drains the vitality of relationships grant a satisfaction, while turning people away from an innocent person that we project false guilt on to? To drag a reputation through the mud to elevate a temporary false victimization, that’s vindication, right? Isn’t that fair?

Enough of that. When it becomes the destroyer of reputations it is unfair and wrong. It’s actually a form of bullying.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (NKJV)

What are God’s thoughts towards us?  Even though every one of us have sinned against God and fallen short, this says His thoughts are …”of peace and not evil, to give you (us) a future and a hope.”

What about thoughts towards those who we perceive to have sinned against us? Are they of peace?

We need to get this right. God will hold us accountable for our words and our actions. No matter how justified we believe we are.