As I sit here thinking, not just of this past year, but of all my nearly 56 years of life— I can see God has been rearranging some things. He’s been healing. He’s been digging deep, removing some junk. He’s planted some things that He’s watered, nurtured, and pruned. He’s given me hindsight— from high places, yes. He’s lifted me up. He’s held me up. He’s protected me where I’ve been left unprotected by everyone else. He’s understood me.
He never left me.
He never turned His back on me.
He has never attacked me.
He has never, ever, let me down.
He has taught me to trust Him so much that I can be confident in His provision, His protection, His guidance, His covering, His redemption— even His value of me.
Others who have known me, don’t really know me as He knows me.
Family remembers me as I was when they last saw me— over 30 years ago for most of them, even longer for others.
Most of them “know” the me from before God began removing the mars, healing the bumps, bruises and some deeply embedded wounds, I acquired along my way. Some “know” the me that God was working deeply to change, and still digging out some ugly, yucky things that don’t belong in His new creation of me.
I am different now.
I don’t handle things the same way.
I don’t have the same weaknesses that I did, the same faults— mostly.
I’m not filled with anger or rage at my pain-filled past, or those who either hurt me or left me unprotected. I don’t lash out, or breakdown in uncontrollable tears.
I‘m not numb anymore.
I no longer feel obligated to continue in relationships with others who aren’t kind, who still view me through whoever they have believed me to be, but cannot see who I actually am.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.
I am still learning how to drive this new model of me. I make mistakes, I’ve referred to the instructions from the prior model of me far too often— but they don’t ever work accurately.
I don’t have to protect myself, but I also don’t have to allow myself to be close to those who can’t recognize that I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus.
I can drive away from the old me and those who would try to force me back into those labeled boxes they believe I should still be in.
I’m not ever going back into those.
Not ever.
I love what God has done in me. I love what He is still doing in me. It has not been easy or pleasant at times, don’t misunderstand. But— He ALWAYS has His best interest for me— which really is also my best interest for me— at heart and purpose.
I’m probably going to be learning to “drive” this newer model of me for the rest of my life— thankfully I have His Word, His Holy Spirit, and people who know the now me. Anyone trying to lock me back into the past idea they had of me,— including pastors— they aren’t allowed to get or stay very close to me any longer.
I’ll pray, I’ll listen if they need to talk, but I won’t let them try to drag me backwards.
I no longer believe I belong under the feet of their opinions of me. I no longer believe I have to defend who I am or what I believe to anyone who will never believe any of it, anyway.
I am not the manifestation of anyone’s opinion or belief of who I am.
I am who God has changed me to be.
I am His.
He makes me strong.
He gives me purpose.
He holds me— some days He has to hold me up.
He is the Great Physician of my spirit, my heart, my soul, my mind, and everything else.
I will never have to defend myself against His misunderstanding of my words, deeds or intentions.
That is so freeing!!
That is so peaceful.
In my lifetime where peace was such a foreign thought for me in parts— peace has become all encompassing. It now both consumes and guards me. Lack of peace becomes my warning system in times of trouble. God now unleashes peace in ways and situations that without Him past me couldn’t have thrived.
In this day and age of prosperity doctrines and praying all the bad away— because happiness is this American church’s focus often— sermons or teachings on working our Salvation out with fear and trembling seem to be MIA. Maybe you hear them, but in my circles and resources, I do not.
Today I’m thinking about Job. I don’t know about you, but I cringe at the thought of everything he went through— and all at once. First he experienced peace, and then trauma, loss and devastation all at once as Satan attacked him on every possible front, from every possible angle— withGod’spermission— I think we overlook that important fact.
I think God was teaching Job Who He Is and all He has done. God said to Job, “Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?” Job 38:2 Obviously Job had been acting, and reacting to what happened to him, without much knowledge of all that encompasses God.
So God told him.
It’s easy to read God’s response as angry and intimidating. The fact that God speaks from the Storm lends to the idea God is angry or annoyed. But— what if He wasn’t? God allowed the storm, but He did not cause it. If He were angry, do you think He would have been the cause? Does this all come across differently if, instead, we read it with a calm, yet sarcastic voice? With what seems accusatory, what if we inject an underlying sad tone? I mean, God definitely chastised Job, while He also turned the tables on Him— “answer— if you know…” But— look what it took to get Job to a teachable place!
God help us to not need to be brought to brokenness in order to receive truth and the healing Salvation He freely offers to each one of us.
In Job 1:1 we see: “There once was a man named Job who lived in the land of Uz. He was blameless–a man of complete integrity. He feared God and stayed away from evil.”
Job knew enough to fear God, which is the beginning of wisdom. He knew enough to do what God required and Job wanted his children to be right with God, to be saved from God’s wrath at sin. Was he arrogant about it? Maybe. He certainly, it seems to me, didn’t know enough to be in a relationship with God— the reason God created mankind. Job was trying to do everything right, his heart actions were right with God. But— he lacked that relationship with Him.
What if we read God’s next words with no anger or frustration, but instead with a firm gentleness that educates Job, while also giving him an attitude adjustment.
Imagine yourself, standing (if you can) before God— just you, no spouse, family, friends or pastor— and having Him confront you with these questions. How do you think you might answer— if you can?
“3 Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. 4 “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. 5 Who determined its dimensions and stretched out the surveying line? 6 What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone 7 as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? 8 “Who kept the sea inside its boundaries as it burst from the womb, 9 and as I clothed it with clouds and wrapped it in thick darkness? 10 For I locked it behind barred gates, limiting its shores. 11 I said, ‘This far and no farther will you come. Here your proud waves must stop!’ 12 “Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east? 13 Have you made daylight spread to the ends of the earth, to bring an end to the night’s wickedness? 14 As the light approaches, the earth takes shape like clay pressed beneath a seal; it is robed in brilliant colors. 15 The light disturbs the wicked and stops the arm that is raised in violence. 16 “Have you explored the springs from which the seas come? Have you explored their depths? 17 Do you know where the gates of death are located? Have you seen the gates of utter gloom? 18 Do you realize the extent of the earth? Tell me about it if you know! 19 “Where does light come from, and where does darkness go? 20 Can you take each to its home? Do you know how to get there? 21 But of course you know all this! For you were born before it was all created, and you are so very experienced! 22 “Have you visited the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of hail? 23 (I have reserved them as weapons for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war.) 24 Where is the path to the source of light? Where is the home of the east wind? 25 “Who created a channel for the torrents of rain? Who laid out the path for the lightning? 26 Who makes the rain fall on barren land, in a desert where no one lives? 27 Who sends rain to satisfy the parched ground and make the tender grass spring up? 28 “Does the rain have a father? Who gives birth to the dew? 29 Who is the mother of the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens? 30 For the water turns to ice as hard as rock, and the surface of the water freezes. 31 “Can you direct the movement of the stars– binding the cluster of the Pleiades or loosening the cords of Orion? 32 Can you direct the sequence of the seasons or guide the Bear with her cubs across the heavens? 33 Do you know the laws of the universe? Can you use them to regulate the earth? 34 “Can you shout to the clouds and make it rain? 35 Can you make lightning appear and cause it to strike as you direct? 36 Who gives intuition to the heart and instinct to the mind? 37 Who is wise enough to count all the clouds? Who can tilt the water jars of heaven 38 when the parched ground is dry and the soil has hardened into clods? 39 “Can you stalk prey for a lioness and satisfy the young lions’ appetites 40 as they lie in their dens or crouch in the thicket? 41 Who provides food for the ravens when their young cry out to God and wander about in hunger?”
Job 39: “1 “Do you know when the wild goats give birth? Have you watched as deer are born in the wild? 2 Do you know how many months they carry their young? Are you aware of the time of their delivery? 3 They crouch down to give birth to their young and deliver their offspring. 4 Their young grow up in the open fields, then leave home and never return. 5 “Who gives the wild donkey its freedom? Who untied its ropes? 6 I have placed it in the wilderness; its home is the wasteland. 7 It hates the noise of the city and has no driver to shout at it. 8 The mountains are its pastureland, where it searches for every blade of grass. 9 “Will the wild ox consent to being tamed? Will it spend the night in your stall? 10 Can you hitch a wild ox to a plow? Will it plow a field for you? 11 Given its strength, can you trust it? Can you leave and trust the ox to do your work? 12 Can you rely on it to bring home your grain and deliver it to your threshing floor? 13 “The ostrich flaps her wings grandly, but they are no match for the feathers of the stork. 14 She lays her eggs on top of the earth, letting them be warmed in the dust. 15 She doesn’t worry that a foot might crush them or a wild animal might destroy them. 16 She is harsh toward her young, as if they were not her own. She doesn’t care if they die. 17 For God has deprived her of wisdom. He has given her no understanding. 18 But whenever she jumps up to run, she passes the swiftest horse with its rider. 19 “Have you given the horse its strength or clothed its neck with a flowing mane? 20 Did you give it the ability to leap like a locust? Its majestic snorting is terrifying! 21 It paws the earth and rejoices in its strength when it charges out to battle. 22 It laughs at fear and is unafraid. It does not run from the sword. 23 The arrows rattle against it, and the spear and javelin flash. 24 It paws the ground fiercely and rushes forward into battle when the ram’s horn blows. 25 It snorts at the sound of the horn. It senses the battle in the distance. It quivers at the captain’s commands and the noise of battle. 26 “Is it your wisdom that makes the hawk soar and spread its wings toward the south? 27 Is it at your command that the eagle rises to the heights to make its nest? 28 It lives on the cliffs, making its home on a distant, rocky crag. 29 From there it hunts its prey, keeping watch with piercing eyes. 30 Its young gulp down blood. Where there’s a carcass, there you’ll find it.”
Job 40:1 Then the LORD said to Job, 2 “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”
Do you have the answers?
Imagine Job— broken and traumatized, physically inflicted — all by the devil, who roars about seeking to devour each one of us— with God’s allowed permission.
God is God. He answers to no one, but He has limited Himself by promises and covenants that He always faithfully keeps.
Have you experienced any times of working out your own faith with fear and trembling? Hopefully not like Job had to be brought to.
Philippians 2:12-16 (NASB) So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing; 15 so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.”
I hate looking at my past. I hate remembering. I have set out so many times to write “my story”, but something always blocks me.
I think it might be “this” me hating the “old” me.
I don’t want to look at it through my memories.
Why would you?
Today my youngest was playing with a rubber band, joking about shooting it at me. Even something as silly and simple as that reminds me, like a scar reminds us of a painful wound.
What is the big deal about shooting a rubber band, right? If you could look into my memory, and “feel” with my emotions, you’d know. You might even hate it, too.
You’d see the man who molested me, aiming then shooting a rubber band at my butt as I laid on the couch watching tv. You’d feel the sudden surge of rage consume what might have been a semi-peaceful moment. You’d watch my leg shoot out, my foot connect to the back of his knee as he walked by. Full rage force. Knocking him off his balance.
The rest of that day is a black hole.
One thing I really want people to understand is that I don’t live in my past. I don’t need advice on how to forgive or heal. I have overcome tremendous odds, and I only have God to thank. My experience has often been that those who hear what I’ve been through assume I need their help, that I’m asking for help or advice.
I share my story because it’s God’s testimony of Him transforming an ugly duckling into a swan– the traumatically-challenged, nearly bitter woman into a trusting Christian.
If this encourages you, I’ve accomplished what I never used to believe I could. If it hits home, I am deeply sorry.
Please feel free to use the comments section to tell how God helped you heal or overcome a troubled, painful past. We all need to hear more about what God is doing to heal the broken-hearted; to set the captive free, transforming us into the likeness of Christ.
Atunci când burniţa descurajării mă îngrozeşte, fă ca viaţa mea spirituală să înflorească.. fă să dispară ceaţa groasă care îmi învăluie fiinţa întreagă ! Fii Tu Soarele neprihănirii care să strălucească !