My eyes are opening.
At least, they are trying to open.
They’ve started to open before, but then I shut them. Again.
Everything on the surface looks fine, looks good even.
But then something happens, and they start to open again.
In the past, just as they are beginning to focus, to recognize…
I am lulled back to sleep.
This time, I’m staying awake. I’m rubbing my blurry eyes so I can focus more clearly.
I’m making out a shape with some color..
I see control.
I am recognizing when I make any kind of decision without it being discussed and approved, I provoke the frustration and anger that guard control.
When I start to walk in my own decision making, and I begin to feel like my “old” self again, it creates an unbalance in the control system.
As soon as I begin to relax, to just enjoy, being refreshed and confident naturally— the beast begins to wake up, cranky from lack of control.
I see it now. Clearly. With eyes that are awake.
I recognize it.
I see the prison it has created.
It’s not unpleasant.
I’m not unprovided for.
But I’m not free.
My confidence is challenged.
I’m not encouraged to be at my best.
In fact, I recognize I am actually encouraged to not be my best.
I am often alone.
I am often drained of “will” power, exhausted, by reactions.
This is my own doing, for allowing this to overcome me.
The things that energize me are discouraged— subtly, yet effectively.
Being able to just relax and be myself is subverted by the lag of distraction, and the oh so subtle injection of unresponsive disapproval .
A hesitancy to respond.
An obvious attempt to squelch anticipation or even excitement.
Like a bug being squished as it’s headed in a specific direction with an intended purpose.
That’s my ability to make plans without lengthy discussion, or simply do something spontaneously and un-dissected.
My abilities are bogged down by lack of attention or acknowledgement.
My accomplishments are overlooked, or even torn down.
I have taken the path with the least friction, and just laid everything down— because— what’s the point?
But now I have my focus on it.
I see it.
The beast of control will be challenged, openly.
I want my “me” back.
I want my confidence back.
I want all of the appreciation, encouragement, and full support I’ve poured in to now be reciprocated.
I’m not ok with being managed.
Ephesians 5:13-14 “But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. For this reason it says, “Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you.”