God has been deeply at work in my heart, again. He has revealed something to me that has been hidden from my understanding my entire life–
Why I react the way I do when certain people push buttons, step on nerves, or sucker throat punch me with their critical, often mean-spirited opinions and words.
I am forever thankful God moved me as far away on this earth from that environment as possible, and placed me somewhere that He could “detox” me.
He changed me.
He took what I learned, what I’d become in that deathly toxic environment, and He re-formed me.
He re-formed my thinking, my instincts, my need to be defensive– my inability to trust or be vulnerable with anyone…
He has re-formed me in every way possible.
He has reformed me.
I recently had a run-in with the past.
I was instantly reminded of how I constantly felt suffocated, undermined, controlled, hated, unloved– unwanted.
I have a dog that was rescued from an abusive animal “shelter”. He sometimes has behaviors and reactions that make his previous treatment evident– even though that was several years ago and he had another human companion before us.
I was rescued by God from an abusive environment, as well.
Because I was abused, I developed behaviors and reactions that left me open to be abused by others.
It’s what I knew.
It was my hated “comfort zone”.
And– how I hated it!
It nearly cost me my life in my first marriage– through the now ex’s decisions and actions, then by my own despair.
God opened the door, and He helped an emotionally crippled me leave through it.
He walked with me every step of the way to His freedom for me.
He gave me a second chance.
He healed me.
He helped me want to live.
He gave me people who love me, who cherish me, who respect me…
I cried out to Him for Mercy in a Show No Mercy life, and He not only showed me the kindest, loving, most gentle mercy I could never even imagine for myself–
He showed me how to show that to others.
Right now He is helping me work through the hatred and anger that has risen in my heart for that button-pushing, nerve-stomping purveyor of No Mercy.
I now understand why when I dare to be vulnerable, I feel exposed, judged, even unsafe and my spirit begins to hyperventilate with a near-crippling anxiety.
And now– now God can show me the “whys” of this.
He can continue to de-tox me and change me, and re-form me.
I owe Him everything.
He is so Good to me– so much better than I ever believed He’d want to be to me.
My old habitat had me believing I was nothing– I had no worth, no value, I was just in the way and needed to be kicked out of the way.
For the first time in over 25 years, I spent my birthday with friends that have become my family. I now feel liked and respected– and valued.
God gave me my heart’s desire.
He taught me to Always Show Mercy.
I’m still learning, and I despise who I used to be so much so, that it’s a relief my old self has been crucified with Christ, and I am now a New creation in Him.
Jemtree's Heart 