Past and Present – Jemtree's Heart

My family started this cool thing where at the start of each week, they share a review of the previous week. Each of them highlight different points and topics, and one of them added a songs-of-the week point— which I just love!

Music is my heart language.

It’s not often I feel I have much of interest to share. They are all brilliant, and talented and have interesting, deep and fun perspectives.

I often don’t. My life is pretty simplified, kind of just a wash-rinse-wring out-repeat cycle— which is maybe just what I need for this season I am in right now.

If you know me, at all, then you know NF music is like a mirror for me to reflect on and God to apply His healing balm through.

So— I thought since the last few days have been absorbing his newest lyrical and visual concepts— I’ll make that my weekly review— in my own blog post style.

Maybe someone else can benefit or will get introduced to some of the best lyrics and music that have ever been on the planet.

Maybe no one will read this at all.

Either way is fine— it just helps me get things out of my head in a thorough and organized way.

The EP— #FEAR— has 6 new gems.

The first song, Fear, also has a video— not for the faint of heart, and will not at all be understood by anyone who doesn’t know NF’s story.

So I’ll just go song by song:

The order is Fear, Home, Who I Was (featuring MGK), Give Me A Reason, Sorry (featuring James Arthur) and Washed Up.

I’m gonna go a little out of order and save the two videos ones for last.

https://youtu.be/ZIS_XyU87xU

Starting with #Home. (please listen) Spoilers— I think he recently lost someone close to him. This song— man— my grandma was my life root! When I lost my grandma, (2007) and I wasn’t able to go to her funeral, well— it hit me so deeply that the loss still echos in my heart. NF, no surprise, hit everything so perfectly— I feel his pain, I remember so vividly my own experiences through the movie he paints with his words and music (no video). I have cried SO MUCH the last few days— like I just lost her, and yet there is that amazingly profound reminder— she just has a new home now!!

https://youtu.be/qrOUAq4Vp2g

#WhoIWas— at first, I was caught off-guard by MGK’s style. I have not heard him before this, but his lyrics are pretty good. The more I listen, the more I get it. When NF comes in— he starts hitting facts that I experienced self-regulating anger and frustration— I think everyone can relate on some level! Hope my kids don’t turn out like me… I won’t do it justice in my description— you just seriously need to listen for yourself.

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

#GiveMeAReason— Fun hype song!! He wants someone to make him mad—give him a reason— so he’s motivated to write and push through in his career. I think we all need motivating pushes at times in our lives. Oh also— this so g was recently used in an MMA match!!

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

Then is #Sorry. This is my favorite— The sincerely spoken word itself is so healing and freeing.

#Fear.

Wow.

The Bible talks about how when we spiritually clean our house (NF’s #Mansion— his mind) then 7 more spirits (demons) will try to come back in. This video, lyrics and music all depict this so perfectly!

When tough things happen, so often our first instinct is to go back to what once felt comforting and safe.

But— when God delivers us, heals us and helps us move forward, we recognize that all those things from before— they were our mind’s, our heart’s, our life’s prison. They bound us and kept us from real freedom, actual peace of mind.

Please watch the video and also listen to the song:

https://youtu.be/lLFoLJIXayk

#WashedUp video:

https://youtu.be/Kyng8yYwvwg

This video and style of NF’s lyrics shows us the old cocky, confident NF. It reminds me of how recently I looked back at how I used to be, wanting to reconnect with what I remember actually liking about my past self— confidence, independence, not caring what anyone else thought.

Some good and negative things about that…

NF does such an amazingly thorough approach to allowing all his life, lyrics, creativity and talent— and his love/appreciation for God— be used as a reflecting mirror for us to look into internally while God applies His healing balm to all of our wounds.

Nf’s #realmusic reminds me to thank God for everything He has done— healing, restoring, replacing, defining—

I am so grateful for God’s willing vessels.

Past and Present

New Creation In Christ Jesus

December 26, 2024December 27, 2024 jem

As I sit here thinking, not just of this past year, but of all my nearly 56 years of life— I can see God has been rearranging some things. He’s been healing. He’s been digging deep, removing some junk. He’s planted some things that He’s watered, nurtured, and pruned. He’s given me hindsight— from high places, yes. He’s lifted me up. He’s held me up. He’s protected me where I’ve been left unprotected by everyone else. He’s understood me.

He never left me.

He never turned His back on me.

He has never attacked me.

He has never, ever, let me down.

He has taught me to trust Him so much that I can be confident in His provision, His protection, His guidance, His covering, His redemption— even His value of me.

Others who have known me, don’t really know me as He knows me.

Family remembers me as I was when they last saw me— over 30 years ago for most of them, even longer for others.

Most of them “know” the me from before God began removing the mars, healing the bumps, bruises and some deeply embedded wounds, I acquired along my way. Some “know” the me that God was working deeply to change, and still digging out some ugly, yucky things that don’t belong in His new creation of me.

I am different now.

I don’t handle things the same way.

I don’t have the same weaknesses that I did, the same faults— mostly.

I’m not filled with anger or rage at my pain-filled past, or those who either hurt me or left me unprotected. I don’t lash out, or breakdown in uncontrollable tears.

I‘m not numb anymore.

I no longer feel obligated to continue in relationships with others who aren’t kind, who still view me through whoever they have believed me to be, but cannot see who I actually am.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I am still learning how to drive this new model of me. I make mistakes, I’ve referred to the instructions from the prior model of me far too often— but they don’t ever work accurately.

I don’t have to protect myself, but I also don’t have to allow myself to be close to those who can’t recognize that I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I can drive away from the old me and those who would try to force me back into those labeled boxes they believe I should still be in.

I’m not ever going back into those.

Not ever.

I love what God has done in me. I love what He is still doing in me. It has not been easy or pleasant at times, don’t misunderstand. But— He ALWAYS has His best interest for me— which really is also my best interest for me— at heart and purpose.

I’m probably going to be learning to “drive” this newer model of me for the rest of my life— thankfully I have His Word, His Holy Spirit, and people who know the now me. Anyone trying to lock me back into the past idea they had of me,— including pastors— they aren’t allowed to get or stay very close to me any longer.

I’ll pray, I’ll listen if they need to talk, but I won’t let them try to drag me backwards.

I no longer believe I belong under the feet of their opinions of me. I no longer believe I have to defend who I am or what I believe to anyone who will never believe any of it, anyway.

I am not the manifestation of anyone’s opinion or belief of who I am.

I am who God has changed me to be.

I am His.

He makes me strong.

He gives me purpose.

He holds me— some days He has to hold me up.

He is the Great Physician of my spirit, my heart, my soul, my mind, and everything else.

I will never have to defend myself against His misunderstanding of my words, deeds or intentions.

That is so freeing!!

That is so peaceful.

In my lifetime where peace was such a foreign thought for me in parts— peace has become all encompassing. It now both consumes and guards me. Lack of peace becomes my warning system in times of trouble. God now unleashes peace in ways and situations that without Him past me couldn’t have thrived.

I am new.

I am changed.

By the Grace of God— I am His.

Past and Present, reality

Taken For Granted- God Yesterday, God Today

June 16, 2024 jem

I’ve realized, today, I’ve been walking through my day-to-day life oblivious to the enormity of a gift I’ve been given by God.

The access point.

I have missed so much context by just not knowing, or paying close attention to what I have learned, about the history of God-people interactions.

In the sermon today, God’s Spirit brought into focus for me how much more difficult it seems it was to pray during Old Testament times.

They had to go somewhere that He sanctioned for them to go. They had to build, in some way, a specific place, specified building– and in many cases it had to have specific materials, colors, dimensions, measurements and elements– carefully constructed to an exactness I certainly have never had the ability to craft.

There was a true fear and dedication.

People– generally rulers, prophets– people called specifically by God– often had to set aside time and leave everything behind, and go.

Only the purest in heart and life were allowed inside the inner sanctuary– or they died.

Altars were made as reminders of where God met them in need and relationship– a place they could go back to, to remember.

Fast-forward to New Testament.

Now– We are the Temple of God’s Holy Spirit.

My yucky, sinful flesh is the housing for God’s Holy Spirit.

I can pray whenever, however, in whatever clothing, room, or physical state I’m in, for however long, out loud or in my heart/spirit/head, around any other people or alone, for anything that comes to mind, with any words I choose.

The prayer ball is in my court.

The speaking-prayer stick is always in my hand to talk to God, for however long I choose.

I am the only obstacle in my way to pray.

I choose.

So– Why don’t I choose?

So many excuses.

So many “rational” reasons.

So many distractions…

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 “¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray without ceasing, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This is God’s amazing, precious gift to us through Jesus–

Constant, open communication with– to and from— God Himself.

My heart should never be divided about this– but I find it is!

But– distractions the world has to offer are so fun, so time-filling, so interesting, so…

Empty.

God always fills.

God always provides.

God always hears.

I have unlimited, unrestricted access to God!

There is no chain of command.

There are no physical walls or barriers.

There are no language miscommunications or need for translation.

There is always God– 100%– in full reach of my heart, mind, soul and words.

I have no excuses.

Past and Present

Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness In a “Cobra-Kai” Environment

January 27, 2024January 28, 2024 jem

God has been deeply at work in my heart, again. He has revealed something to me that has been hidden from my understanding my entire life–

Why I react the way I do when certain people push buttons, step on nerves, or sucker throat punch me with their critical, often mean-spirited opinions and words.

I am forever thankful God moved me as far away on this earth from that environment as possible, and placed me somewhere that He could “detox” me.

He changed me.

He took what I learned, what I’d become in that deathly toxic environment, and He re-formed me.

He re-formed my thinking, my instincts, my need to be defensive– my inability to trust or be vulnerable with anyone…

He has re-formed me in every way possible.

He has reformed me.

I recently had a run-in with the past.

I was instantly reminded of how I constantly felt suffocated, undermined, controlled, hated, unloved– unwanted.

I have a dog that was rescued from an abusive animal “shelter”. He sometimes has behaviors and reactions that make his previous treatment evident– even though that was several years ago and he had another human companion before us.

I was rescued by God from an abusive environment, as well.

Because I was abused, I developed behaviors and reactions that left me open to be abused by others.

It’s what I knew.

It was my hated “comfort zone”.

And– how I hated it!

It nearly cost me my life in my first marriage– through the now ex’s decisions and actions, then by my own despair.

God opened the door, and He helped an emotionally crippled me leave through it.

He walked with me every step of the way to His freedom for me.

He gave me a second chance.

He healed me.

He helped me want to live.

He gave me people who love me, who cherish me, who respect me…

I cried out to Him for Mercy in a Show No Mercy life, and He not only showed me the kindest, loving, most gentle mercy I could never even imagine for myself–

He showed me how to show that to others.

Right now He is helping me work through the hatred and anger that has risen in my heart for that button-pushing, nerve-stomping purveyor of No Mercy.

I now understand why when I dare to be vulnerable, I feel exposed, judged, even unsafe and my spirit begins to hyperventilate with a near-crippling anxiety.

And now– now God can show me the “whys” of this.

He can continue to de-tox me and change me, and re-form me.

I owe Him everything.

He is so Good to me– so much better than I ever believed He’d want to be to me.

My old habitat had me believing I was nothing– I had no worth, no value, I was just in the way and needed to be kicked out of the way.

For the first time in over 25 years, I spent my birthday with friends that have become my family. I now feel liked and respected– and valued.

God gave me my heart’s desire.

He taught me to Always Show Mercy.

I’m still learning, and I despise who I used to be so much so, that it’s a relief my old self has been crucified with Christ, and I am now a New creation in Him.