Life – Jemtree's Heart

My family started this cool thing where at the start of each week, they share a review of the previous week. Each of them highlight different points and topics, and one of them added a songs-of-the week point— which I just love!

Music is my heart language.

It’s not often I feel I have much of interest to share. They are all brilliant, and talented and have interesting, deep and fun perspectives.

I often don’t. My life is pretty simplified, kind of just a wash-rinse-wring out-repeat cycle— which is maybe just what I need for this season I am in right now.

If you know me, at all, then you know NF music is like a mirror for me to reflect on and God to apply His healing balm through.

So— I thought since the last few days have been absorbing his newest lyrical and visual concepts— I’ll make that my weekly review— in my own blog post style.

Maybe someone else can benefit or will get introduced to some of the best lyrics and music that have ever been on the planet.

Maybe no one will read this at all.

Either way is fine— it just helps me get things out of my head in a thorough and organized way.

The EP— #FEAR— has 6 new gems.

The first song, Fear, also has a video— not for the faint of heart, and will not at all be understood by anyone who doesn’t know NF’s story.

So I’ll just go song by song:

The order is Fear, Home, Who I Was (featuring MGK), Give Me A Reason, Sorry (featuring James Arthur) and Washed Up.

I’m gonna go a little out of order and save the two videos ones for last.

https://youtu.be/ZIS_XyU87xU

Starting with #Home. (please listen) Spoilers— I think he recently lost someone close to him. This song— man— my grandma was my life root! When I lost my grandma, (2007) and I wasn’t able to go to her funeral, well— it hit me so deeply that the loss still echos in my heart. NF, no surprise, hit everything so perfectly— I feel his pain, I remember so vividly my own experiences through the movie he paints with his words and music (no video). I have cried SO MUCH the last few days— like I just lost her, and yet there is that amazingly profound reminder— she just has a new home now!!

https://youtu.be/qrOUAq4Vp2g

#WhoIWas— at first, I was caught off-guard by MGK’s style. I have not heard him before this, but his lyrics are pretty good. The more I listen, the more I get it. When NF comes in— he starts hitting facts that I experienced self-regulating anger and frustration— I think everyone can relate on some level! Hope my kids don’t turn out like me… I won’t do it justice in my description— you just seriously need to listen for yourself.

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

#GiveMeAReason— Fun hype song!! He wants someone to make him mad—give him a reason— so he’s motivated to write and push through in his career. I think we all need motivating pushes at times in our lives. Oh also— this so g was recently used in an MMA match!!

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

Then is #Sorry. This is my favorite— The sincerely spoken word itself is so healing and freeing.

#Fear.

Wow.

The Bible talks about how when we spiritually clean our house (NF’s #Mansion— his mind) then 7 more spirits (demons) will try to come back in. This video, lyrics and music all depict this so perfectly!

When tough things happen, so often our first instinct is to go back to what once felt comforting and safe.

But— when God delivers us, heals us and helps us move forward, we recognize that all those things from before— they were our mind’s, our heart’s, our life’s prison. They bound us and kept us from real freedom, actual peace of mind.

Please watch the video and also listen to the song:

https://youtu.be/lLFoLJIXayk

#WashedUp video:

https://youtu.be/Kyng8yYwvwg

This video and style of NF’s lyrics shows us the old cocky, confident NF. It reminds me of how recently I looked back at how I used to be, wanting to reconnect with what I remember actually liking about my past self— confidence, independence, not caring what anyone else thought.

Some good and negative things about that…

NF does such an amazingly thorough approach to allowing all his life, lyrics, creativity and talent— and his love/appreciation for God— be used as a reflecting mirror for us to look into internally while God applies His healing balm to all of our wounds.

Nf’s #realmusic reminds me to thank God for everything He has done— healing, restoring, replacing, defining—

I am so grateful for God’s willing vessels.

reality

My Heart— Thin and Stretched

July 30, 2024 jem

Back in the early years of our marriage, my husband and I began collecting trading cards for The Lord of the Rings board/card game.

The only card I really remember was called Thin and Stretched. It was a condition put on the Frodo or Sam card to limit its usefulness, and try to get it removed from the game.

Why, you might wonder, do I remember just this particular card?

Well, I have often identified with how it’s defined.

Life tends to do that to me.

Relationships do that to me.

My health and my body do that to me, too.

The last few weeks my heart has definitely been stretched, and in some instances maybe thinned as well.

It was so filled with joy and contentment while all of my kids and their spouses got to visit.

It has been soooooooo stttrrreeeeetched by those visiting having to go back to their far away homes.

Then several other people moved away.

One of my dearest friends moved away yesterday.

And God took my mom-in-law Home to be with Him…

I miss her.

😭

I miss my friend.

I miss my students that had to move.

It’s like God purged out many of the people I care most about, while He gave me special time with my kids and their spouses that live way too far away.

I’ve decided to be nice to me and take some time to adjust and heal, let the sadness be wrung out with a little set-apart time.

Ow!

❤️‍🩹

I can feel that temptation to avoid this pain happening again, that temptation to isolate myself, to build walls to keep the hurt of people leaving again away.

But I’ve decided that, instead, I’ll retreat for a bit, dust myself off, and find new people to let in to my heart, for however long God lets them be close.

God has made my heart malleable— able to be stretched thin, filled, emptied— like a new wineskin that won’t easily break.

Hard to believe now that I used to have a heart like stone, from abuse and mis-use.

God has truly worked His miracles and healing in me.

reality, Strong Woman

Mess— What You See Is Not What You Get

October 4, 2023October 4, 2023 jem

I’m not what anyone would call a “put together” person.

Hot mess doesn’t even define me— just mess.

Messy.

Messed-up…

No matter how much I fight this exhausting battle of imperfection— in me and in my living space— I have yet to conquer this.

Not dirty.

Cluttered.

My space is too small for all I have.

Don’t get me started on “downsizing”.

And please don’t offer me suggestions or advice.

Just

Don’t.

I have always been sensitive about this issue.

Ashamed.

Frustrated.

Rejected.

Talked about…

Today I choose to embrace the facts.

I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not like anyone else.

I never will be.

Talking with my husband last night, he reminded me—

I have had a lot of experiences.

Experiences no one else has.

Things that— literally— nearly killed me.

Physical, emotional, mental

Traumas.

I am done apologizing for what so many see with their eyes and their opinions— as wrong with me.

I do what I can.

I face mind-numbing overwhelm.

I have stared that down many times.

Sometimes it wins.

Lately though— I win.

So my house has “stuff”.

There are reasons that will never matter to my critics.

They don’t care about my “why’s”

They just care about their preferred ways— how things “should” be.

I have struggled with being lost in a sea of opinions by sight or “first impressions”.

Very few people have taken the time look past, ignore, or focus on person me.

I am not my house.

I am not just a mess.

I am a survivor.

I am a fighter.

I am thriving in increasing health as my body heals from the inside out.

I am many testimonies of God saving, protecting, healing, repairing, changing—

I am the me that God has created.

If you only know me by the imperfect nature of appearance and/or my house—

You have completely missed it— missed me.

That really is your loss.

Walking With God

Self Sabotage

August 22, 2022August 22, 2022 jem

Lately I have become aware of an enemy in my camp, so to speak.

I’d love to be able to point my finger, along with my focused outrage and frustration, at someone.

But, if I were to point any fingers at anyone at all— all of them would point at me.

I’m not sure why I work tirelessly to undermine myself or my confidence with myself, and others, in me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I deserve it.

Maybe it’s because there are still old “tapes” running in the background of my thoughts— “You don’t deserve this.” “You are worthless.” “You don’t know what you are talking about.” “You are too emotional.” “Who do you think you’re fooling, anyway?”

Things I’ve heard others say to me, about me, over my life.

Things I’ve internalized, because certainly those people know me better than I know myself. Right?

I’ve put my confidence in how others see me, or how I think others see me— because I know I have blind spots. I can’t always see many things about me.

I have based so many things off of what it looks like other people’s reactions to me are.

I have plenty of things that are against me as I face the world, daily.

Overweight. Most people don’t even know I’ve lost a lot of weight. I still have a way to go before I’m satisfied with the outer me.

Physically I’m weak. I used to be strong. I used to be independent.

I used to value those things in myself, and even expected them from others.

God has allowed me to now be in a type of place filled with humility and self- disappointment. And— I’m sure that disappointment is universal.

I can’t do many things I used to be able to do.

So, the things I feel strongest in, I’m not confident in my ability to do them. I’m not confident I won’t just provoke further negative reactions to me.

Many years ago someone advised me that when I’m ministering to someone— praying for them, participating with praise and worship, speaking or teaching— don’t pay attention to people’s faces. Because you can’t tell what is happening inside their hearts. They can have a “look” on their faces or react/respond for an infinite amount of reasons. That can become a stumbling block for allowing God to just work through us.

As a violinist, that goes completely against my nature and teaching! I was taught to watch the conductor. Watch for the signals, the eye contact, the head nods, even verbal cues. While I wasn’t watching the crowds/audience per se, their reactions were always telling! Either they liked it, or they did not.

I just pay way more attention to those things, plus body language, than I probably should.

Because of words said to me, and reactions from people important to me over my life— I rarely trust when words don’t seem to match the rest of what I instinctively observe.

It gets confusing, trying to live up to expectations from signals and reactions others appear to have towards me.

Maybe that’s why I self-sabotage.

Who really expects I’ll ever amount to, or accomplish much of anything?

I mean— I’m too intense. I need to calm down. I’ve even been told someone wished I hadn’t been born… I’m just in the way. I talk too much. What I want to do, or how I feel is just stupid or embarrassing…

I guess I’ve just unconsciously believed all of that. Even though, consciously I know it’s mostly not true or accurate.

I feel like I need to measure up to the expectations of others— and those unconscious thoughts have, in my past, been the expectations of others.

So— I self-sabotage.

Maybe that’s why I strive so much to always encourage others. I’ll be their cheerleader, because I have confidence in them. All of us need encouragers. I have them in my life now, I purposely surround myself with people who build up and encourage.

This world has too many ways we are constantly torn down. As Christians I believe God wants us to be builders— not destroyers.

Scripture has taught me that I need to place my confidence in Christ.

God made me with a purpose— His purpose for me.

Those things that have been said, those negative reactions to me, those expectations from others— they don’t match His view of me.

And— who knows me better than God?

Reality Check

Square Person in a “Well-rounded” World

October 2, 2019October 2, 2019 jem

That’s me there– the square one. You’d think I’d be the well-rounded one with all my experiences and whatnot, but that’s not how it really works.

Words that have been used to describe me by others over the years–

Intense.

Intimidating.

Too sensitive.

Angry-faced.

Project.

Beautiful.

Tenacious.

Words I wish I heard about me–

Compassionate.

Loving.

Kind

Giving.

True friend.

Loyal.

Honest.

Beautiful.

Generous.

Acceptable.

That last one is probably the most coveted by me. There seems to always be something people want me to change in order to “fit” their box for me and change the label they’ve put on me.

It’s not going to happen.

I’ll never again be happy-go-lucky. I’ve experienced too much first hand.

I’ll never be the perfect cook or housekeeper. I just won’t.

I’ll never perform the way anyone thinks I should. I have no desire to jump through “social norm” hoops.

Life has filed down my rounded edges into sharp corners with precise edging.

I can’t go back to being ignorant of pain and suffering.

I can’t heal the wounds others can’t see or make the invisible scars actually disappear for good.

I can’t become someone I have not been designed or conformed through life experiences to be. I can’t, and I won’t.

I am not my outer appearance.

I’m not my experiences.

I’m not maleable to people’s whims and wishes.

I am who God has made me to be, and who He continues to shape– as He kneads the mars and scars.

I am misunderstood and misread, as well as overlooked and undervalued.

Somedays I am only loved by God.

But– I am always loved by God, and that is what makes the difference to me.

I have demonstrated my love for others through acts of service in the past– serving my country, using my gifts and talents for the Body of Christ.

Right now I’m in a season of rest and retreat.

I’ve lived for 1/2 a century. I’ve seen and experienced so many things in those years, sometimes it overwhelms my heart, my mind and my spirit.

I’ve been looking for the miracles of God in people’s situations and lives. I’ve seen some in my life, in my circumstances, and God has caused my own life to do a 180 turn. Miracles are not always evident, but if you can catch just a glimpse of one, you are seeing the evidence of God in action.

I could chip away at the edges, but I’d be leaving off what God has carefully shaped. While that might please the well-roundeds, it would not please God.

So, I don’t mind being a squared person in a well-rounded world.

Because that’s the shape God has formed me into.

An Honest Perspective

Reflections

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019 jem

Today is my birthday. I’m ?? years old– my Grandma always said “A lady never reveals her age.”

I’m feeling like– I made it! I survived! I feel a kind of rejunenation today.

Also tired.

I’m leaving an era behind me. My husband just retired from the military, and we’re moving into a new phase that I think we are both pretty excited about. I wish I had the same energy I had in my youth to do cartwheels and cheers. My mind is full of energy, but my body is on a whole other plateau.

My husband and I get to enjoy the fruits of our labor now– or soon, anyway. There are always hurdles and obstacles in our course. We’ve learned to weather some big, strongs storms– natural and figurative.

I find myself taking some serious deep breaths. I can let go of some of the heavy things I’ve carried over the years. I can let out that mental breath I’ve held for over 20 years as my husband was sent away from us for months at a time, waiting to find out the unknown, not anticipating the unexpected. I can start thinking about plans I’d like to make that we won’t have to change at the last minute.

I can start thinking about things I want to do.

That’s hard.

I’ve been mom, and military spouse for so long, I’ve tied most of my own interests into my family. My relationships with my kids and my husband have taken most of my energy and planning.

I have a new stage ahead of me that I get to set. I get to explore new things to find what I want to put on it.

I get to relearn, maybe even remake, who I am.

I’m still wife, mother and homeschool/violin teacher. But, now I can look around and add some other things that I want to. I’m not limited to what’s chosen for me, my plans aren’t laid out for me, I have a plethora options I didn’t have the freedom to choose before.

I have the benefit of hindsight, and the excitement of foresight.

I have so much to be thankful for to God, my husband and the military.

I haven’t felt a physical joy in a long time. It feels almost foreign to me as I feel it now– almost like that part of me is thawing out.

I’m genuinely looking forward to the next ?? years that God grants me to live.

Also– I have birthday pancakes made for me by one of my boys.

Life is good.

An Honest Perspective, Uncategorized, What life has taught me

Worth

August 20, 2015August 20, 2015 jem

Continue reading “Worth” →

A Mom's Perspective, American, Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Getting Our Attention, and Missed Opportunities

April 20, 2013October 8, 2023 jem

If you have children, then you understand what I am saying when I tell you my mind is exhausted from the attention grabbing attempts of my kids. I have 4, and they all want my attention, they even compete for it at times. When my dog climbs into my lap, my 2 year old will rush over and try to push him off, climb into my lap for just a minute, then climb back down. He has to let the dog know who owns my lap, already showing signs of that male conquering spirit, lol.

Each of my kids has their own way of getting my attention, and we have a method we call the “interrupt rule” that they are supposed to follow (put a hand on my shoulder or arm and wait until I can give my full attention), but of course they often forget to follow it. My daughter, DaBee , will text me questions and pictures she takes with her phone, or come over to where I am and start talking about whatever comes to mind. She gets excited and shows me pictures she draws, or things she sews. She is so talented! My oldest boy, “Jonenator Dude” (JD), he waits until I am alone to talk about his different collections. JD can also be competitive with the others and try to demand I give him my full attention. I am teaching him how important it is to be considerate and patient, some days those aren’t easy lessons to teach. My middle boy, “Little Red” (LR), he often copies his older brother, or tries to get my attention away from JD, in order to show me his latest drawing or tell me about his Lego creation or a game he’s excited about playing. My 2 year old, “Doctor Oo!” (DO), lately he will stand behind me and put his hands on my cheeks or in my hair. Sometimes he just sits next to me and takes hold of my hand. He loves to be playful and show me his toys by pretending to shoot me with them, or holding them up close in my face, and often I don’t mind at all.

But, I have learned from past mistakes. Those times when I have been too busy to look up and listen, or when distracted and frustrated, I pushed them away… I can’t get those opportunities back. I lost out.

As God’s child, I don’t feel I have to try to get His attention. But, I’ve been thinking about how I become aware of God trying to get my attention. How many times have I missed Him during my distracted daily activities, or when I’m frustrated by something or someone? When do I become aware, then give Him my full attention?

Sometimes, I have a song or a verse on my mind that woos my attention to Him. Sometimes I have a sudden urge to pray about something specific, or for someone specific. At times a subject comes to mind with a sadness that overwhelms my spirit and I can’t help but pray and seek God on behalf of what He places on my heart.

I am desperate to not miss Him, to not miss an opportunity to pray or speak into someone’s life, or just be available in the way He impresses on my heart. Except when I’m distracted by the cares of this life. Then I miss Him.

But, because I am distracted, I don’t miss that I miss Him.

That makes my heart sad, when I take the time to let myself think deep on that.

Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the LORD while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.” (NASB)