Tag: before and after

reality, The Past, Walking With God

Good For Nothing

jem

The title of this is more than just words, for me.

This is what I heard, often, from my dad.

Good for nothing.

Good. For nothing.

Nothing.

No thing.

No worth.

Zero.

Worthless.

Worth less than nothing.

Just in the way.

My dad was not a nice dad to or for me.

I fought to survive despite this sentence he judged me to live by, imprisoned by these mean, horrible words.

As an adult, I realized I had to leave the part of my world where these words were my definition, to follow where I believed Jesus was leading me— to begin learning how to survive and thrive outside of that word jail cell.

I started a new life, away from everything and everyone I knew.

Away from that pronounced judgement over me.

But those words never left the self-belief system they were installed in.

They continued to run in the background of my self picture— like a rogue computer program— distorting everything I desperately tried to make myself to become.

God’s Word told me that I have value in Him.

To Him.

Through Him.

But why?

I had less than nothing to offer to Him.

God began to build me up, in Him. New. Refined.

He valued nothing me.

I was just like a new born, learning how to walk in His footsteps on my path.

Dancing with Him, my feet on top of his like a little girl dancing with her dad.

I dared not take even one step without verifying which direction to go, how long of a stride to take.

Things in life broke me.

The military broke me down.

God built me up in Him.

Isaiah 54 (see Scripture below) is the first Scripture where He spoke into my soul and began to breathe HIS Life into me.

I began my journey with Him as my Guide.

Not as a tourist visiting.

As a resident learning the ways, the ins and outs of His Kingdom principles.

I started going to a church where I began learning how to walk in that new creation in Christ that He was teaching me how to embrace.

Over time, people went in and out of my interactions.

I had no idea how to form healthy friendships or Christian relationships.

Because my vision was deeply impaired, I began trusting the vision others (that I believed) God was showing who He was shaping me to be.

And then I hit a stumbling block.

A pastor who reinforced what my dad had taught me about me.

No matter what I did, how much I tried to both fit into a box of expectations God didn’t make me to fit into— while desperately trying to break out of the labeled box that was a prison for me— I didn’t fit into anything.

I wasn’t trustworthy.

I couldn’t be believed.

I was undermining the pastor’s authority because I didn’t just go along with what he— an ordained man of God— said because I, just a lowly, uninformed, unimportant person dared have concerns or questions.

He didn’t believe I was Saved— made me prove to Him I was by getting baptized a second time— and still didn’t believe it then.

He told me that I was in God’s way, causing problems.

A new label was added to me— Jezebel.

Had I not had a solid relationship with God, I would have been crushed under the weight of his judgment on me and believed that God didn’t think I was good enough, sincere enough, repentant enough— serving Him enough— and I would have believed Salvation just wasn’t a Gift for me.

Thank God He had already broken through all of those lies!!

Now I know my life in God’s Hands has made me priceless to Him.

Maybe no person on earth will ever find any real value in my existence— But God formed me.

God created me.

God put me together.

And what God has put together— no man can break apart.

I am His.

He is mine.

Nothing can take me from the palm of His hand.

No matter what any person believes they “know”— God thoroughly knows me.

I make mistakes.

My vision is still impaired.

But when I look at things through His Word— He makes things clear.

He opens my understanding.

God still picks me up to dance with Him through life.

Sometimes He lets me stand on His feet while He takes each and every step.

Sometimes He just picks me all the way up and holds me.

He never treats me like I am worthless— good for nothing.

After all— His own Son died so I could be in His Presence for all of Eternity.

God doesn’t roll his eyes when he sees me.

His eyes light up with joy— because He knows exactly how broken I was and He has never given up on me.

Isaiah 54 (ESL) The Eternal Covenant of Peace

1“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.
2“Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.

4“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
7For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
8In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD, your Redeemer.

9“This is like the days of Noaha to me:
as I swore that the waters of Noah
should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
and will not rebuke you.
10For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.b
12I will make your pinnacles of agate,c
your gates of carbuncles,d
and all your wall of precious stones.
13All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindicatione from me, declares the LORD.”

introspection, NF Lyrics, Past and Present, reality, Walking With God

My Review Of The Last 2 Weeks— And Introspection Of NF’s Latest Music Drops

jem

My family started this cool thing where at the start of each week, they share a review of the previous week. Each of them highlight different points and topics, and one of them added a songs-of-the week point— which I just love!

Music is my heart language.

It’s not often I feel I have much of interest to share. They are all brilliant, and talented and have interesting, deep and fun perspectives.

I often don’t. My life is pretty simplified, kind of just a wash-rinse-wring out-repeat cycle— which is maybe just what I need for this season I am in right now.

If you know me, at all, then you know NF music is like a mirror for me to reflect on and God to apply His healing balm through.

So— I thought since the last few days have been absorbing his newest lyrical and visual concepts— I’ll make that my weekly review— in my own blog post style.

Maybe someone else can benefit or will get introduced to some of the best lyrics and music that have ever been on the planet.

Maybe no one will read this at all.

Either way is fine— it just helps me get things out of my head in a thorough and organized way.

The EP— #FEAR— has 6 new gems.

The first song, Fear, also has a video— not for the faint of heart, and will not at all be understood by anyone who doesn’t know NF’s story.

So I’ll just go song by song:

The order is Fear, Home, Who I Was (featuring MGK), Give Me A Reason, Sorry (featuring James Arthur) and Washed Up.

I’m gonna go a little out of order and save the two videos ones for last.

https://youtu.be/ZIS_XyU87xU

Starting with #Home. (please listen) Spoilers— I think he recently lost someone close to him. This song— man— my grandma was my life root! When I lost my grandma, (2007) and I wasn’t able to go to her funeral, well— it hit me so deeply that the loss still echos in my heart. NF, no surprise, hit everything so perfectly— I feel his pain, I remember so vividly my own experiences through the movie he paints with his words and music (no video). I have cried SO MUCH the last few days— like I just lost her, and yet there is that amazingly profound reminder— she just has a new home now!!

https://youtu.be/qrOUAq4Vp2g

#WhoIWas— at first, I was caught off-guard by MGK’s style. I have not heard him before this, but his lyrics are pretty good. The more I listen, the more I get it. When NF comes in— he starts hitting facts that I experienced self-regulating anger and frustration— I think everyone can relate on some level! Hope my kids don’t turn out like me… I won’t do it justice in my description— you just seriously need to listen for yourself.

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

#GiveMeAReason— Fun hype song!! He wants someone to make him mad—give him a reason— so he’s motivated to write and push through in his career. I think we all need motivating pushes at times in our lives. Oh also— this so g was recently used in an MMA match!!

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

Then is #Sorry. This is my favorite— The sincerely spoken word itself is so healing and freeing.

#Fear.

Wow.

The Bible talks about how when we spiritually clean our house (NF’s #Mansion— his mind) then 7 more spirits (demons) will try to come back in. This video, lyrics and music all depict this so perfectly!

When tough things happen, so often our first instinct is to go back to what once felt comforting and safe.

But— when God delivers us, heals us and helps us move forward, we recognize that all those things from before— they were our mind’s, our heart’s, our life’s prison. They bound us and kept us from real freedom, actual peace of mind.

Please watch the video and also listen to the song:

https://youtu.be/lLFoLJIXayk

#WashedUp video:

https://youtu.be/Kyng8yYwvwg

This video and style of NF’s lyrics shows us the old cocky, confident NF. It reminds me of how recently I looked back at how I used to be, wanting to reconnect with what I remember actually liking about my past self— confidence, independence, not caring what anyone else thought.

Some good and negative things about that…

NF does such an amazingly thorough approach to allowing all his life, lyrics, creativity and talent— and his love/appreciation for God— be used as a reflecting mirror for us to look into internally while God applies His healing balm to all of our wounds.

Nf’s #realmusic reminds me to thank God for everything He has done— healing, restoring, replacing, defining—

I am so grateful for God’s willing vessels.

Past and Present

New Creation In Christ Jesus

jem

As I sit here thinking, not just of this past year, but of all my nearly 56 years of life— I can see God has been rearranging some things. He’s been healing. He’s been digging deep, removing some junk. He’s planted some things that He’s watered, nurtured, and pruned. He’s given me hindsight— from high places, yes. He’s lifted me up. He’s held me up. He’s protected me where I’ve been left unprotected by everyone else. He’s understood me.

He never left me.

He never turned His back on me.

He has never attacked me.

He has never, ever, let me down.

He has taught me to trust Him so much that I can be confident in His provision, His protection, His guidance, His covering, His redemption— even His value of me.

Others who have known me, don’t really know me as He knows me.

Family remembers me as I was when they last saw me— over 30 years ago for most of them, even longer for others.

Most of them “know” the me from before God began removing the mars, healing the bumps, bruises and some deeply embedded wounds, I acquired along my way. Some “know” the me that God was working deeply to change, and still digging out some ugly, yucky things that don’t belong in His new creation of me.

I am different now.

I don’t handle things the same way.

I don’t have the same weaknesses that I did, the same faults— mostly.

I’m not filled with anger or rage at my pain-filled past, or those who either hurt me or left me unprotected. I don’t lash out, or breakdown in uncontrollable tears.

I‘m not numb anymore.

I no longer feel obligated to continue in relationships with others who aren’t kind, who still view me through whoever they have believed me to be, but cannot see who I actually am.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I am still learning how to drive this new model of me. I make mistakes, I’ve referred to the instructions from the prior model of me far too often— but they don’t ever work accurately.

I don’t have to protect myself, but I also don’t have to allow myself to be close to those who can’t recognize that I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I can drive away from the old me and those who would try to force me back into those labeled boxes they believe I should still be in.

I’m not ever going back into those.

Not ever.

I love what God has done in me. I love what He is still doing in me. It has not been easy or pleasant at times, don’t misunderstand. But— He ALWAYS has His best interest for me— which really is also my best interest for me— at heart and purpose.

I’m probably going to be learning to “drive” this newer model of me for the rest of my life— thankfully I have His Word, His Holy Spirit, and people who know the now me. Anyone trying to lock me back into the past idea they had of me,— including pastors— they aren’t allowed to get or stay very close to me any longer.

I’ll pray, I’ll listen if they need to talk, but I won’t let them try to drag me backwards.

I no longer believe I belong under the feet of their opinions of me. I no longer believe I have to defend who I am or what I believe to anyone who will never believe any of it, anyway.

I am not the manifestation of anyone’s opinion or belief of who I am.

I am who God has changed me to be.

I am His.

He makes me strong.

He gives me purpose.

He holds me— some days He has to hold me up.

He is the Great Physician of my spirit, my heart, my soul, my mind, and everything else.

I will never have to defend myself against His misunderstanding of my words, deeds or intentions.

That is so freeing!!

That is so peaceful.

In my lifetime where peace was such a foreign thought for me in parts— peace has become all encompassing. It now both consumes and guards me. Lack of peace becomes my warning system in times of trouble. God now unleashes peace in ways and situations that without Him past me couldn’t have thrived.

I am new.

I am changed.

By the Grace of God— I am His.

Past and Present, reality

Taken For Granted- God Yesterday, God Today

jem

I’ve realized, today, I’ve been walking through my day-to-day life oblivious to the enormity of a gift I’ve been given by God.

The access point.

I have missed so much context by just not knowing, or paying close attention to what I have learned, about the history of God-people interactions.

In the sermon today, God’s Spirit brought into focus for me how much more difficult it seems it was to pray during Old Testament times.

They had to go somewhere that He sanctioned for them to go. They had to build, in some way, a specific place, specified building– and in many cases it had to have specific materials, colors, dimensions, measurements and elements– carefully constructed to an exactness I certainly have never had the ability to craft.

There was a true fear and dedication.

People– generally rulers, prophets– people called specifically by God– often had to set aside time and leave everything behind, and go.

Only the purest in heart and life were allowed inside the inner sanctuary– or they died.

Altars were made as reminders of where God met them in need and relationship– a place they could go back to, to remember.

Fast-forward to New Testament.

Now– We are the Temple of God’s Holy Spirit.

My yucky, sinful flesh is the housing for God’s Holy Spirit.

I can pray whenever, however, in whatever clothing, room, or physical state I’m in, for however long, out loud or in my heart/spirit/head, around any other people or alone, for anything that comes to mind, with any words I choose.

The prayer ball is in my court.

The speaking-prayer stick is always in my hand to talk to God, for however long I choose.

I am the only obstacle in my way to pray.

I choose.

I choose.

So– Why don’t I choose?

So many excuses.

So many “rational” reasons.

So many distractions…

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 “16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This is God’s amazing, precious gift to us through Jesus–

Constant, open communication with– to and from— God Himself.

My heart should never be divided about this– but I find it is!

But– distractions the world has to offer are so fun, so time-filling, so interesting, so…

Empty.

God always fills.

God always provides.

God always hears.

I have unlimited, unrestricted access to God!

There is no chain of command.

There are no physical walls or barriers.

There are no language miscommunications or need for translation.

There is always God– 100%– in full reach of my heart, mind, soul and words.

I have no excuses.

Past and Present

Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness In a “Cobra-Kai” Environment

jem

God has been deeply at work in my heart, again. He has revealed something to me that has been hidden from my understanding my entire life–

Why I react the way I do when certain people push buttons, step on nerves, or sucker throat punch me with their critical, often mean-spirited opinions and words.

I am forever thankful God moved me as far away on this earth from that environment as possible, and placed me somewhere that He could “detox” me.

He changed me.

He took what I learned, what I’d become in that deathly toxic environment, and He re-formed me.

He re-formed my thinking, my instincts, my need to be defensive– my inability to trust or be vulnerable with anyone…

He has re-formed me in every way possible.

He has reformed me.

I recently had a run-in with the past.

I was instantly reminded of how I constantly felt suffocated, undermined, controlled, hated, unloved– unwanted.

I have a dog that was rescued from an abusive animal “shelter”. He sometimes has behaviors and reactions that make his previous treatment evident– even though that was several years ago and he had another human companion before us.

I was rescued by God from an abusive environment, as well.

Because I was abused, I developed behaviors and reactions that left me open to be abused by others.

It’s what I knew.

It was my hated “comfort zone”.

And– how I hated it!

It nearly cost me my life in my first marriage– through the now ex’s decisions and actions, then by my own despair.

God opened the door, and He helped an emotionally crippled me leave through it.

He walked with me every step of the way to His freedom for me.

He gave me a second chance.

He healed me.

He helped me want to live.

He gave me people who love me, who cherish me, who respect me…

I cried out to Him for Mercy in a Show No Mercy life, and He not only showed me the kindest, loving, most gentle mercy I could never even imagine for myself–

He showed me how to show that to others.

Right now He is helping me work through the hatred and anger that has risen in my heart for that button-pushing, nerve-stomping purveyor of No Mercy.

I now understand why when I dare to be vulnerable, I feel exposed, judged, even unsafe and my spirit begins to hyperventilate with a near-crippling anxiety.

And now– now God can show me the “whys” of this.

He can continue to de-tox me and change me, and re-form me.

I owe Him everything.

He is so Good to me– so much better than I ever believed He’d want to be to me.

My old habitat had me believing I was nothing– I had no worth, no value, I was just in the way and needed to be kicked out of the way.

For the first time in over 25 years, I spent my birthday with friends that have become my family. I now feel liked and respected– and valued.

God gave me my heart’s desire.

He taught me to Always Show Mercy.

I’m still learning, and I despise who I used to be so much so, that it’s a relief my old self has been crucified with Christ, and I am now a New creation in Him.

reality, Strong Woman

Mess— What You See Is Not What You Get

jem

I’m not what anyone would call a “put together” person.

Hot mess doesn’t even define me— just mess.

Messy.

Messed-up…

No matter how much I fight this exhausting battle of imperfection— in me and in my living space— I have yet to conquer this.

Not dirty.

Cluttered.

My space is too small for all I have.

Don’t get me started on “downsizing”.

And please don’t offer me suggestions or advice.

Just

Don’t.

I have always been sensitive about this issue.

Ashamed.

Frustrated.

Rejected.

Talked about…

Today I choose to embrace the facts.

I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not like anyone else.

I never will be.

Talking with my husband last night, he reminded me—

I have had a lot of experiences.

Experiences no one else has.

Things that— literally— nearly killed me.

Physical, emotional, mental

Traumas.

I am done apologizing for what so many see with their eyes and their opinions— as wrong with me.

I do what I can.

I face mind-numbing overwhelm.

I have stared that down many times.

Sometimes it wins.

Lately though— I win.

So my house has “stuff”.

There are reasons that will never matter to my critics.

They don’t care about my “why’s”

They just care about their preferred ways— how things “should” be.

I have struggled with being lost in a sea of opinions by sight or “first impressions”.

Very few people have taken the time look past, ignore, or focus on person me.

I am not my house.

I am not just a mess.

I am a survivor.

I am a fighter.

I am thriving in increasing health as my body heals from the inside out.

I am many testimonies of God saving, protecting, healing, repairing, changing—

I am the me that God has created.

If you only know me by the imperfect nature of appearance and/or my house—

You have completely missed it— missed me.

That really is your loss.

Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, introspection, NF Lyrics, reality, The Past

Translucent— Paralyzed (Do You See Me Down Here, Oh Lord?)

jem

Merriam-Webster defines translucent as:

“permitting the passage of light:

: transmitting and diffusing light so that objects beyond cannot be seen clearly

Clear, transparent

translucent water

: free from disguise or falseness”

I guess if I had a “theme” for my blog posts, this might be a defining term I’m aiming for.

I’ve been working my way through more NF songs, lately. Today, I have two on my heart.

The first one, I think it’s a deeply important one to address— “Paralyzed”. The second is the chorus from “Oh Lord”. (I think both can be a great mash-up.)

As the “Paralyzed” lyrics flow, they hit sensitive areas in my past that I buried or forgot about.

Oh, my God, thank You— he has described this lack of just everything— that I could never put a name to!!

I still have moments of this numb feeling, in certain social situations, I get struck with this— paralysis— NF has given it a name! I can define it! You have no idea how impactful and healing that is for me. If the “spotlight” focus of attention is on me— I still sometimes freeze up! When I leave social meetings, I sometimes have this weird ache— almost like that feeling when the numbness wears off at the dentist— in my chest. I feel vulnerable,

exposed.

I spent many of my youthful days going through the motions, disconnected from my emotions.

These lyrics transcend just words for me— they overwhelm my spirit with… I don’t really know what. Understanding, maybe? Relief?

I didn’t think anyone could ever understand. No one around me ever seemed to. But then— I was afraid to even ask, to talk about anything.

I just thought I was alone.

And then— I remember someone telling me they struggled with the same kind of eating issues that I did— and they gave it a name— Anorexia. I thought I had a friend I could identify with, that understood me. But— friendship with me wasn’t something she was interested in. In fact— she seemed annoyed that I had those problems too.

I was alone.

My whole life, all I ever wanted was to feel included, wanted, appreciated— valued.

Absorbing the lyrics from the NF song “Paralyzed”— they took me right back to those moments. Only, as I again felt them, I was also standing outside of it all, looking at it from a perspective of having been healed, or delivered, from the damage and circumstances that rendered me

detached.

I remember walking through my middle school hallways, realizing— I couldn’t feel anything.

I was emotionally numb.

I think that was when the self harm started for me.

I spent years hiding the scars on my arms and legs. They have faded, can’t be seen easily anymore, but I know exactly where they are.

When I wrote poems, I marveled over where the words even came from. I didn’t write thoughts I was meditating on, inspiration didn’t come from outer sources, dreams or conversations. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I just had to write.

“Can You see us down here, Oh Lord?”

I wonder what I look like to God? I know all the encouraging words of Scripture— and I believe them.

I also know God sees what we can’t see or understand.

I think as the lyrics from “Paralyzed” grab my heart, make me catch my breath from overwhelming remembrance, understanding— and emotions I’m no longer detached from, flood all my senses— I see that God is outside of things, but He somehow still feels what we feel, He sees what we see— and so much more.

My world felt impossibly dark and devastating.

But God.

God’s Light has diffused the darkness my soul was held captive in. His Holy Light came into my life, and all that nasty darkness fled— Jesus set this captive free. He healed my heart and my life.

He restores my soul.

Daily.

As much as we often believe our childhood shapes and defines us— it’s not permanent. I believe that.

The damning, torturous grip that once had its hold on me, has been released.

God broke the fingers of that stronghold over my perception, that affected my decisions.

There are some who are in a similar place to where I was.

It can get better. Most often, circumstances aren’t permanent. There is nothing God cannot change, heal, repair, restore or improve.

You are not alone.

Nothing is too difficult for God.

“Intro:]
When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
Where are my feelings? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I know I should (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Oh. How come I’m not moving? Why aren’t I moving? Ay yeah)
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me? (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord??) (Where is the real me?)
I’m lost and it kills me – inside (I’m paralyzed)

[Verse 1:]
When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where’s the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

[Verse 2:]
I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me – where am I? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
Look
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I just watch ’em
I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen

[Outro]
Do You see us down here? Oh Lord
Can You see us down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us?”

Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, introspection, NF Lyrics

Keeping It 100– Real

jem

My youngest has become a superfan of NF. My whole family, I think, is a fan at some level, but my youngest, who is 11, surprises us sometimes by his choice in ringtones (Leave Me Alone!— NF song 😅), and what he has stored on his flip phone— mostly NF songs. The other day, he chose Therapy Session to play through the car radio. I asked him if he related to the words and felt like he needed therapy because of me, lol. He said “No.”

As I absorbed the impact of the words in the song, once again I was drawn into just how much they reflect my own heart. One phrase is “I was talking to fans
And one of them pulled me aside and said
“We never met but I swear that you know who I am
I been through a lot
I don’t know how to express it to people, don’t think that I can…”

Well, that’s me, for sure. I could have been that fan!

Another phrase jumped out at me, and has been bouncing around in my thoughts. It’s actually the inspiration for this post.

“This music” (my blog) “is not just for people who sit in the pews and pray at the churches
I’ve been rejected
I don’t expect everyone to respect it
I don’t expect you to get my perspective
What you expect from a therapy session, huh?”

“I mean, I think sometimes people they confuse what I’m doing
I write about life, I write about things that I’m actually dealing with
Something that I’m actually experiencing, this is real for me
Like this is something that personally helps me as well
I’m not confused about who gave me the gift
God gave me the gift, and he gave me the ability to do this…”

“And he also gave me this as an outlet…”

This is me here—

The experiences NF has shared in his music are NOT the same as mine— the reactions, emotions, and scarred-over-wounds— they often are the same.

You don’t walk away, sometimes run away, from the things I’ve lived through and some things I have done, without wounds— some very, very deep wounds. Most are now scars— but

even scars hurt sometimes.

While this is sometimes my type of therapy, I am open and honest in sharing here to possibly reach out to maybe even one person who needs soneone to step up along side them, and show someone really does understand.

That is always my intent here.

Always.

So, I am going to be misunderstood.

I am going to be “corrected”.

I am still going to be told I should write about “happy, positive things”.

I am going to be given advice I don’t need.

I am going to make some people uncomfortable.

I want to apologize, because that’s in my nature, but I won’t. Because this is how God made me.

I don’t need a therapist— I have God. God’s Holy Spirit is my counselor. His Word is my “self-help” book.

I have this blog to sort out things. To help me see things, to work through them.

I get it all out or my head and my heart, sometimes here, sometimes in prayer privately.

I have learned that how to let things go, to give them to God, is to NOT try to lock them in a dark closet, or sweep them under a rug.

To get them out into the open, to look at them fully, to examine the roots as much as possible, to confront them— to surrender them to Jesus.

And then I move on.

Sometimes I bring others into my process through my blog posts— but not always.

Sometimes it’s just between God and me.

But— you, whoever and wherever you are, are always welcome to look here to find understanding and hopefully some degree of God’s healing.

Everyone needs to be heard, to be understood— to be identified with.

That’s my intention— always.

I am not the perfect writer. I am not perfect in any way— ever.

I am just real.

Because that’s how God has made me to be.

http://www.absolutelyrics.com/lyrics/view/nf/therapy_session

“Yeah, I gotta say like a month ago
I was talking to fans
And one of them pulled me aside and said
“We never met but I swear that you know who I am
I been through a lot
I don’t know how to express it to people
Don’t think that I can but I got that mansion CD on rotation
That’s real for me Nate, you do not understand”
It’s crazy for me
Kids hit me up, say they slitting they wrists on the daily
This music is more than you think
Don’t book me for just entertainment, it’s entertaining
Hearing these parents, they telling their kids
My music is violent, you gotta be kidding me
I guess that your definition of violence and mine
Is something that we look at differently
How do you picture me ah?
Want me to smile, you want me to laugh
You want me to walk in the stage with a smile on my face
When I’m mad and put on a mask, for real though
I mean, what you expect from me?
I’m tryna do this respectfully
They say that life is a race
I know my problems’ll probably catch up eventually
I do my best to be calm
How you gon’ write me and tell me you slaughter my family?
That’s just a glimpse to the stuff that get sent to me
These the parts of my life that’ll never see, woo
I am aware it’s aggressive
I am not here for acceptance
I don’t know what you expect here
But what you expect when you walk in a therapy session?

Therapy, therapy session
Therapy, therapy session

This girl at the show looked me in the face
And told me her life’s full of drama
Said that her dad is abusive
Apparently he likes to beat on her mama
I got so angry inside
I wanted to tell her to give me his number
But what you gon’ do with it right?
You gon’ hit him up then he’ll start hitting her harder
That’s real
These kids, they come to my shows
With tears in they eyes
Imagine someone looking at you
And saying your music’s the reason that they are alive
Sometimes, I don’t know how to handle it
This type of life isn’t glamorous
This ain’t an act for the cameras
You see me walk on these stages but have no idea what I’m dealing with after it
I put it all in the open
This is the way that I cope with all my emotion
I’m taking pictures with thousands of people
But honestly, I feel like nobody knows me
I’m trying to deal with depression
I’m trying to deal with the pressure
How you gon’ tell me my music does not have a message
When I’m looking out at this crowd full of people I know I affected?
Ah, I got some things in my life, I know I should let ’em go
Let me jot it down, let me take a mental note
I put it all in this microphone, think about that for a minute
What is the point of this song, I’m just venting but what you expect from a therapy session?

Therapy, therapy session
Therapy, therapy session

What you think about me
That doesn’t worry me
I know I handle some things immaturely
I know that I need to grow in maturity
I ain’t gon’ walk on these stages in front of these people
And act like I live my life perfectly
That doesn’t work for me
Christian is not the definition of a perfect me, woo
I ain’t the type to be quiet
I ain’t gon’ sit here in silence
If I wouldn’t say what I say to your face
Then I promise you I wouldn’t say it in private
I am not lying
People go off on my page and I’m trying to quit the replying
But this is ridiculous
I’m passionate man, I really mean what I’m writing
You want me to keep it 100? Okay, I’ll keep it 100
I see a whole lot of talking on socials
But honestly, I don’t see nothing in public
I kinda love it, yeah
“Why don’t you write us some happy raps?
That would be awesome
All your music is moody and dark, Nate”
Don’t get me started
You wanna know what it’s like if you met me in person?
Listen to my verses
This music is not just for people
Who sit in the pews and pray at the churches
I won’t reject it
I don’t expect everyone to respect it
I don’t expect you to get my perspective
What you expect from a therapy session?

I mean, I think sometimes people they confuse what I’m doing
I write about life, I write about things that I’m actually dealing with
Something that I’m actually experiencing, this is real for me
Like this is something that personally helps me as well
I’m not confused about who gave me the gift
God gave me the gift and he gave me the ability to do this
And he also gave me this as an outlet
And that’s what music is for me
When I feel something, whether it’s anger
Um, it’s a passion about something, or frustration
Like this is where I go, this is, that’s the whole nfrealmusic thing man
This is real for me, I need this, this is a therapy for me”

An Honest Wife's Perspective, introspection, Reality Check

The Changing Status Of The Love Language

jem

Love Language— the defined, intentional way we both experience and demonstrate the affection, respect, appreciation and value from/for others.

Years ago, I was “diagnosed” with my love language as being gift giving and acts of service, sprinkled with words of affirmation.

At the time, I was a new mother, in a fairly new marriage.

The thought of things defining something like quality of time seemed unnecessary, unneeded. I had a new baby at the time. Raising her as a home-educating, staying-home-with-her-mama meant she had all my time, attention, lots of hugs and kisses, and more than enough of my mental and emotional focus. My husband remembering to bring me something, or taking care of a responsibility that was weighing down on me— that spoke volumes to me of his love, appreciation, affection and value for me.

Fast forward 22 years later— something in me has changed.

Don’t get me wrong— bringing me something home (like an unsweet tea), and helping with some responsibilities I now just am not able to easily do for physical reasons, boy do I ever value those!

But I really believe my love language has changed, has adapted to changes in our family and my life.

Now— I value spending quality time with him. Going with him on errands, him sitting down to fix a puzzle with me, or watching a comedy we both laugh at together— that’s what I need. That “speaks” to me how he values me— wanting to do things with me.

Quality of time has become an obstacle-laden minefield with so many forms of technological interruptions and distractions. Always looking at some device, attention diverted by notifications— always something interrupting staring meaningfully into one another’s eyes (record scratching sound)— I mean, talking about his work or my day, or what we need to get at the grocery store…

When we first met then married, we actively sought to spend time together. As we got more used to our relationship dynamics, I busied myself with our children and trying to keep up with the housework. He worked crazy hours which forced us all to learn flexibility with plans and scheduling things. He also played video games (anyone married to a gamer can relate, I have no doubt). He served at our church on the worship team— which took so much of his time away from us. I served also, but just wasn’t able to as much as he did. Over time, the video games waned down while more work and church responsibilities now presently claim much of his time and attention.

I suppose I just got used to having very little time with him, and I tried to adapt to where I felt nurtured in our relationship. I jumped into his hobbies with him so we were doing things together, growing together with interests in common. There were days where we barely spoke or saw each other. Those were my hardest days.

Sharing life with my husband has often been him doing things away from, or without me. I think this might be typical of many marriages.

While my love language for others is finding ways to demonstrate that they are important, in my marriage— I believe quality of time has moved up to the top of what makes me feel loved. He knows this, I think, and he has been adjusting things so we are doing things together.

Learning to speak and interpret a love language takes time, effort and understanding.

I wonder if his love language has changed, as well? My own food for thought.

introspection

Be Anxious For Nothing— But How??

jem

I feel stressed.

While this isn’t a new thing, the intensity of this feeling is more than usual.

So, while I know the Bible instructs me to “Be anxious for nothing…” I am struggling right now with that very issue.

Circumstances far beyond my control.

Worry over family and friends.

Plowing a new course for my future career.

Weight loss and emotional healing bringing old buried memories and reactions to the overly-sensitive surface…

Anxiety hasn’t been an obstacle to me in decades. But there it is, staring me down.

Deep breath in, let it out slowwwww…

God is already there, plowing my path for me.

He’s got me.

He’s always got me.

I can do this.

One step at a time.

Breathing through the waves of panic that threaten to soak through my resolve.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 NKJ

Instead of giving in to anxiety, frustration or fear, I will pray. I will thank God for everything, because without Him, I couldn’t appreciate the good that comes from painful, hard times.

God has a purpose, God has a plan— for me. He will never fail me, He will never abandon me.

My first prayer is for God to help me surrender all that anxiety and everything tangled up in it, to Him.

All of it.

There is no sense holding on to that. It does not contribute anything beneficial to my life or my emotions.

Time to step away from the anxiety, and let God’s peace flood my mind, my heart, my body and my spirit.

🎵 “All to Jesus, I surrender all to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.“🎵

Walking With God

My Year Evaluation

jem

Happy New Year— 2022!!!

This past year has been a year of lots of t-words for me— transcendence, transition, transformation, timing, and now here is my testimony.

There were so many difficulties last year, and I had moments of overwhelming stress.

There are things I and others have been seeking God for, on my behalf, for more than a decade!

Things in my own personal world seemed upside down, far from where I believe God wants them to be.

My oldest son moved far away, I don’t think I have even fully processed that yet.

Then all of a sudden God provided the exact help I needed when I had nearly given up hope.

The heaviest burdens, after a time of working through them, were fully lifted off of me!!

I had seriously all but given up that God would ever help me with what felt like a crushing weight on my mind, my heart, my body and my strength.

I am now in the middle of a transformation that I do believe happened transcendentally, in God’s perfect transitional timing.

It is not completed— yet.

Stages are complete.

Step by step, in increments some may not even recognize as “progress”— I am continuously moving forward.

I am never, ever going back.

Never.

My mind is made up.

My heart knows what it wants.

God’s Spirit is leading me.

I have packed up my baggage and donated or thrown it out.

I am embracing the newness God has flung the door open wide to.

There is no walking back— there is only moving ahead— sometimes at my own pace, sometimes with a gentle nudge from God that encourages me out of my comfort zone.

I thank God. Without Him, I’d still be where I was this time last year— or worse.

God's Heart, Walking With God

I Remember Who I Was

jem

Have you ever watched someone restore a damaged painting? I find it fascinating, the level of dedication, determination and affection the one restoring it demonstrates. The knowledge of every painted stroke, the understanding of what and how— tedious work, for sure.

Have you ever heard a song that grabs your soul’s focus almost immediately?

This song, Thank You Jesus For The Blood , has done that to me, from the very first line.

“I was a wretch. I remember who I was. I was lost, I was blind, I was running out of time.”

I instantly remembered.

In the midst of everything I have going on in my life, everything I am struggling with, all I am endeavoring to push through and overcome, I was instantly transferred right back to that moment my soul heard Him call my name and tell me to turn and follow Him.

My life was the messiest of messes. I was being crushed against my rock-bottom.

He saw me. He reached into my soul, He called my name. My name. He knew my name.

He gently helped me to my feet. He patiently cleaned off all the smudges, He worked out all the mars in the clay of my foundation. He tended carefully, lovingly to the tears, the worn spots from the misuse, the abuse, of others who didn’t know how to properly care for me.

He looked into the depth of my soul, found all that is of value to my Creator. He applied the Blood to every detail.

He Saved me for Eternity, He rescued me with the redemptive relationship no one on earth deserves.

I haven’t deserved such Divine, Perfect attention.

He gave it to me freely, liberally— permanently.

I never have to go back. I have continuously walked forward. Sometimes I’ve crawled, and at times I have danced with Him.

My beautiful Savior.

It’s beyond just His love for me.

He sees me— all of me. He knows me better than anyone ever can.

Uncategorized

Our Changing Worldview

jem

1 Cor 13:11a “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child;

When I was a child, my whole entire view was about me. My immediate surroundings, how big everything seemed, my interactions with family members, wanting to be liked and approved-of by everyone I interacted with. There was always some level of security I sought through confidence in what I knew, routines, and things being consistent.

As I grew older, my view started to include people I cared about, and people I looked up to— outside of my immediate family. Friends, friends’ parents, neighbors, my parents friends, kids at school, teachers, and pastors.

I learned about the world around me and what I could trust through how my parents reacted to things and interactions with me.

As I continued to grow and mature, the response or reaction from others became my “thermometer”. I developed a sense of right and wrong, and learned how to take up the offense of others as though it were also my own. And— sometimes it became my own. Sometimes I saw past it and looked at it in a different perspective.

I began to develop discernment.

As I grew into an adult, my experiences, surroundings and environment changed— several times. I left home under stressful circumstances— independent and determined to make my way, in my way, alone.

Thankfully God placed people in my life to help me propel through all those twists and turns in my personal life story.

I learned from a pretty young age who was in my “corner”— and who was not.

As I ventured into my adulthood story, I learned some really tough lessons in humility and that few people would have my back as I tried to have theirs.

Trust had been a recurring theme in my life— or most often— lack of trust. It’s been an uphill battle to find trustworthy people who support the extremely imperfect me. Letting my guard down has burned me more tines than not.

Now, as I look back through so many years past, the second half of 1 Cor 13:11 makes so much more sense: “when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” Ok— I’m not a man per se, but as a human I now understand I don’t have the full picture.

I also recognize that for some parts of the picture, I have a clearer understanding than some others. And, for some parts, I do not.

Now my worldview has changed into a much wider view. It’s no longer about me— it’s about my children, and as they grow up and venture into their own lives outside of my parental decisions, my worldview includes those who are important to them. Oh, we disagree on various viewpoints and opinions, but the heart connection moves us far beyond that.

At least for myself it does.

I have learned that God’s view is complete and perfect, and I can always trust Him with what I don’t see, or know. He knows all , sees all— is everywhere, at all times. Nothing is hidden from Him or outside if His reach.

That brings me great comfort and security. That’s where my peace of mind lives.

He also has given me a deeper discernment, and with that a confidence that He is helping me see and know things not for the sake of my having knowledge— but so I can pray and I can recognize where He is at work. That is the entire purpose of discernment— to differentiate between where He is, what He is doing, and the absence of His involvement. It’s not to focus on where and what the enemy are up to— it helps us to be aware, yes. But our focus should always be on our Creator and our Savior. This is what His Spirit has taught me over the years.

Now I’m finding that God has completely changed my heart, mind and worldview focus. It’s no longer a tiny area just involving how things affect me. It’s about so many other things, and how those things affect other people and situations. It’s now an earth-wide view. It’s an Eternity view.

I want to see through God’s eyes, not my own opinions and misunderstandings. I want to care through God’s heart, because mine gets tempted to wax cold.

I want to pray for what’s on God’s heart, I want to be aware of what’s on God’s mind.

So much has been centered around our individual selves within our church environments.

There really is so much more.

There will always be “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.” 1 Cor 13:12

There are new things illuminated as we seek God for what He wants us to see, know and pray about. I want to participate with Him in what He’s accomplishing— through praying and through recognition.

What life has taught me

What I Wish Some Understood About Sexual Abuse Survivors

jem

We live in a world full of people with as many backgrounds as there are people. No two are completely alike. In this mix, there are abusers, abuse survivors and the unaware.

The category I fit into is abuse survivor. I was molested as a child, harassed as a teen and young adult, and raped as an adult by someone I believed I could trust.

It’s been quite a few years since it all happened to me, and it surprises me to see how it still affects my thinking of myself. 

So, I’m going to address some of those things that I’ve learned, and some of the attitudes I’ve dealt with.

1) Rape and sexual harassment is never funny to a survivor. It’s never a light topic, it’s not something to be joked about. Words do matter— they conjure up memories— sometimes traumatic ones with deep emotions attached.

2) No, we can’t just get over it. Something was stolen from us, trust was violated, our spirit has been bruised. Healing over time happens but, often invisible to the natural eye, emotional scars remain. 

3) We grieve over the robbery of our innocence. 

4) Our body was attacked, and our bodies react to that— often through eating disorders, or even gaining weight in an attempt to self-protect. Stop the body shaming, they probably have some history of sexual abuse! 

5) We are often more sensitive to criticism because many of us have an unconscious belief there must be something wrong with us for someone to hurt us so badly.

As a Christian I rely on God to be my Comfort and my Strength, but sometimes I wish I could rely on my brothers and sisters in Christ more. Relationships aren’t often easy for me to form because I still, even after so many years of God restoring what the locusts had eaten, I still have trust cautions. 

All I hope to get across through this post is to encourage others to become aware. Be kind and sensitive. Hold back on criticisms. 

An Honest Perspective, The Past, Uncategorized, What life has taught me

I Once Was Not A Christian

jem

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I have had a lot of experiences in my lifetime. Way too many to write about here. I’ll break it down into two parts: Before Christ and After Christ. I’ll even throw in some Why I CHOSE Christ, for added tangibility.

So, BC:

I was born into a family that loved me, but that love didn’t create a safe, warm, snugly, nurturing environment. We are often hurt the worst by those that love us, and that was certainly the case for me. Do I need to go into details of abuse? Goodness, I hope not, but I’ll touch on a few of the “highlights” of my BC life:

I was sexually, emotionally and mentally abused by my dad. Maybe he treated me better than his dad treated him, but I HIGHLY doubt it because my dad was mentally ill. I don’t mean the catch-phrased quirky kind that seems acceptable, or even coveted by some in our modern society. He was severely mentally ill. I think I can honestly say I’m one of very few who watched their dad try to beat their mom to death as she laid huddled in a fetal-ball beneath him, his fist pounding into her temple. On Mother’s Day. Then there was my dad escaping the mental hospital hundreds of miles away, hitchhiking to try to come back and finish killing her. There was lots of yelling in my house, sometimes my dad even acknowledged I existed and he yelled at me. Once he punched me in the jaw, which made it painful for me to hold my violin for a few weeks.

As a result, I was a pretty screwed-up kid and I nearly died when I was 16 because of my own stupidity.

Let me just say this: I lived in a house of horror because of mental illness as a child. There is NOTHING in Christianity that comes even close to actual mental illness.

Thankfully I got to spend the summers with my grandparents, who were Christians. Things weren’t perfect there, but they were better.

I hated myself for bad decisions I made.

So at 20 I made another decision future me would hate: I married  someone I had convinced myself was “my best friend”. The problem was, I only knew him a short time before we married. The other problem I didn’t realize yet was: we were not equally yoked. He was not a Believer.

Trust me when I tell you that, yes, that absolutely does make a tremendous difference. Not only could I not share my faith with him and grow with him in that, he did not value me as God would help him if he were a Christian.

My ex-husband was abusive to me. Much like my dad, though not exactly to the same degree. But, there was also more aspects to the abuse from him. I was cut off from my family. I was locked-down at home, he had to know where I was and who I was with or talking to at every moment. I had to work and it had to be the graveyard shift.  My earnings had to pay all the bills while he kept his earnings in a separate account and he bought anything he wanted for him. Never for me. He convinced me to get life insurance, but was angry when I was refused because of extensive damage caused by an eating disorder. When I was sick he treated me like I was faking it, wouldn’t let me call in sick to work or go to the doctor until it became emergencies. Once the car he made me drive nearly got me killed, the lug nuts on the tires he had just worked on weren’t tight.

I wasn’t safe with him. He actually saved my life by divorcing me.

Now I’m thankful he decided he didn’t love me anymore. Not only am I still alive, I am married to a man I am equally yoked with, who really is my best friend and who does value me.

But my divorce was the beginning of my personal rock bottom.

After Christ:

It was at that point I finally began to “own” my relationship with God through Jesus. (Thank God Jesus didn’t return while I self-focused, because after that “blink of an eye”, I would more than likely have been left here.) I got baptized. I began making changes and reading the Bible on my own.

Because I wanted to.

I could feel God healing my life and my heart as I read His Promises.

I went through a tremendous time of grieving the death of my old self. Regret, unforgiveness, shame… God helped me work through each one of those at my own pace. He never gives me more than I can handle as He works His healing, often one-on-one with me, through His Holy Spirit.

My “conversion” did not happen because someone preached a sermon and “guilted” me in to following Jesus and obeying God’s Word.

My life changed as a result of God working in my life. Often without people.

God illuminates His Word.

He teaches me how to be a better human being. He helps me look at people as individuals, not through my own preconceived opinions.

Why I Chose Christ:

Had I continued on my own path, my life would look like the night version of how I am now. It’s like Jesus called out to me through the darkness and despair, and He whispered to me, “I have a better way for you”.

His ways are higher than mine, so much better and healthier. His way is practical. It’s loving and kind. It’s rational. It’s peaceful.

Jesus is the best way. He is the truth. He is the light with no darkness in Him, nothing evil or hateful.

I wish the naysayers would pay attention to the positives Christians demonstrate, because I lived as a non-Christian and was surrounded by non-Christians. It was destructive, mean, harsh, even deadly.

My job as a Christian isn’t to try to convince others that Jesus is the Savior of the world. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job, to do all the hard work of preparing the way of the Lord for people’s hearts and minds to be ready.

My job is to love the Lord my God, and to love my neighbor like I love me. Give them the same benefit of the doubt I give myself. Show the same grace I believe I should be shown.

Some call that cutting people slack…

I just know– I’d personally rather have Jesus than anything this world could ever hold. I have known both– life without Jesus and life with Jesus.

He makes the difference. Not me. Not my choices.

Only Jesus.

A Loving Wife's Perspective, A Mom's Perspective, American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, What life has taught me

How Have You Grown?

jem

I was inspired to write this by this blog:
http://thingstoadore.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/and-before-you-know-it/

There is nothing like becoming a mom and being responsible for the lives of our little ones who are so vulnerable and completely dependent on us, to make us both grow, and grow up.

I became a mom at 29. I had almost 3 decades to learn how to be selfish and think about “mememe”. My transition to momhood was ugly. My life before marrying a Godly man was all about my survival, my being independent and responsible, my working hard. I can count on one hand the number of people who sincerely had my back or even cared whether I survived. Transferring that mindset into taking care of a baby, especially after not being around babies much at all, I was a huge mess. I didn’t have family nearby to help me, and I didn’t have the benefit or experience from a healthy relationship with my own parents. I did have my Grandma to confide in, and I had an amazing husband that God provided for me, who supported me, believed in me, and continually shows me kindness I often feel undeserving of.

The first 2 weeks of my first baby’s life were the hardest and scariest of my entire life, and believe me, that is saying a lot. She lost a full pound after being born a month early, and I was trying to learn how to breastfeed her. Thankfully I had encouragement from people at church to not give up breastfeeding. I am so very glad I pushed through. She finally started gaining weight at 2 weeks, and we had some rough times, like clumsily trying to feed her in public and getting a yeast infection in my milk ducts. She is 13 now, and she’s one of the best accomplishments of my life, and a reminder of how much God changed my life when she was born. When she was born, the “mom” me was born. As a mom, she and I are both 13, and trust me, we both have some seriously real “adolescent” days.

Over the past almost 15 years of marriage, God has used His Word to instruct me to not be anxious for anything, to cast all of my cares on Him, and that no matter what, I can lean on Him and He will make all of my pathways clear. He has never failed, He has never given up on me, and I know there is nothing I can’t trust Him with. I have grown as a Believer.

I have grown as a wife. When we first married, I had all sorts of expectations of what I believed a Christian marriage would/should be. I was previously married to a nonbeliever. It was a disaster, and I know it was because of God’s protection over me, in my ignorance and desperation to just have someone who would love me, that I’m alive today. He delivered me from that marriage that I clung to when my ex decided one day he wanted a divorce, but I wouldn’t grant him one. Until I read Scripture, and I heard God in my spirit tell me it was ok to let him go. So, I joined my new husband 6 years later, with God’s permission to remarry, with hopes, plans and expectations. All of those either died out or were changed by God. I learned to relax when things feel out of control, spinning ahead of what I feel ready for, because God knows everything, and I can just lean back on Him, rest, and trust. Being married to a Christian has both defied and soared beyond my expectations.  We don’t pray together about everything, we don’t sing and play praise and worship songs together all the time, we don’t always have it all together with perfect smiles on our faces and lots of Christian friends who adore us, we don’t have popular Bible studies and prayer meetings in our home every week, and we have never gone on mission trips as a family like my heart still longs to do. Yeah, my picture guess was way off from our reality, lol. I’m not “Suzy Homemaker”. I’m a military spouse who has almost no control over any area of decisions or plans, the military takes care of all of that for both of us. I have learned to be content during some pretty intense times, but I’m still learning, and I fail at “content” pretty much every day in one way or another.

I have grown as a daughter. I have a new lens on my “hindsight” indicator. I no longer look through it as a daughter, but I look through it as one who has a daughter. There are things my mom did that I have made sure not to do. There are things I cringe every time I do or say. There are things I am careful to do, and I’m sure there are things I wish I had done, though I can’t think of any off-hand. I learned a lot from my Grandma that I didn’t learn from my own mom. There have also been times when anger or tears pop in because of things I missed out on or was robbed of in my own relationship with my parents. I have had much forgiving to do, needed much grace to apply, and tempered with love much disappointment and frustration. God has helped me to be a better mom to my children than I ever could have been without His compassion and help.

It’s amazing to me when I look back over all of the events of the past decade and a half, just how much “growing” God has accomplished in me while I was distracted by my life’s moments. I still have a lot of growing to do, but wow: God sure has been busy in me!

In what ways have you grown?