Category: reality

reality, The Past, Walking With God

Good For Nothing

jem

The title of this is more than just words, for me.

This is what I heard, often, from my dad.

Good for nothing.

Good. For nothing.

Nothing.

No thing.

No worth.

Zero.

Worthless.

Worth less than nothing.

Just in the way.

My dad was not a nice dad to or for me.

I fought to survive despite this sentence he judged me to live by, imprisoned by these mean, horrible words.

As an adult, I realized I had to leave the part of my world where these words were my definition, to follow where I believed Jesus was leading me— to begin learning how to survive and thrive outside of that word jail cell.

I started a new life, away from everything and everyone I knew.

Away from that pronounced judgement over me.

But those words never left the self-belief system they were installed in.

They continued to run in the background of my self picture— like a rogue computer program— distorting everything I desperately tried to make myself to become.

God’s Word told me that I have value in Him.

To Him.

Through Him.

But why?

I had less than nothing to offer to Him.

God began to build me up, in Him. New. Refined.

He valued nothing me.

I was just like a new born, learning how to walk in His footsteps on my path.

Dancing with Him, my feet on top of his like a little girl dancing with her dad.

I dared not take even one step without verifying which direction to go, how long of a stride to take.

Things in life broke me.

The military broke me down.

God built me up in Him.

Isaiah 54 (see Scripture below) is the first Scripture where He spoke into my soul and began to breathe HIS Life into me.

I began my journey with Him as my Guide.

Not as a tourist visiting.

As a resident learning the ways, the ins and outs of His Kingdom principles.

I started going to a church where I began learning how to walk in that new creation in Christ that He was teaching me how to embrace.

Over time, people went in and out of my interactions.

I had no idea how to form healthy friendships or Christian relationships.

Because my vision was deeply impaired, I began trusting the vision others (that I believed) God was showing who He was shaping me to be.

And then I hit a stumbling block.

A pastor who reinforced what my dad had taught me about me.

No matter what I did, how much I tried to both fit into a box of expectations God didn’t make me to fit into— while desperately trying to break out of the labeled box that was a prison for me— I didn’t fit into anything.

I wasn’t trustworthy.

I couldn’t be believed.

I was undermining the pastor’s authority because I didn’t just go along with what he— an ordained man of God— said because I, just a lowly, uninformed, unimportant person dared have concerns or questions.

He didn’t believe I was Saved— made me prove to Him I was by getting baptized a second time— and still didn’t believe it then.

He told me that I was in God’s way, causing problems.

A new label was added to me— Jezebel.

Had I not had a solid relationship with God, I would have been crushed under the weight of his judgment on me and believed that God didn’t think I was good enough, sincere enough, repentant enough— serving Him enough— and I would have believed Salvation just wasn’t a Gift for me.

Thank God He had already broken through all of those lies!!

Now I know my life in God’s Hands has made me priceless to Him.

Maybe no person on earth will ever find any real value in my existence— But God formed me.

God created me.

God put me together.

And what God has put together— no man can break apart.

I am His.

He is mine.

Nothing can take me from the palm of His hand.

No matter what any person believes they “know”— God thoroughly knows me.

I make mistakes.

My vision is still impaired.

But when I look at things through His Word— He makes things clear.

He opens my understanding.

God still picks me up to dance with Him through life.

Sometimes He lets me stand on His feet while He takes each and every step.

Sometimes He just picks me all the way up and holds me.

He never treats me like I am worthless— good for nothing.

After all— His own Son died so I could be in His Presence for all of Eternity.

God doesn’t roll his eyes when he sees me.

His eyes light up with joy— because He knows exactly how broken I was and He has never given up on me.

Isaiah 54 (ESL) The Eternal Covenant of Peace

1“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.
2“Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.

4“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
7For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
8In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD, your Redeemer.

9“This is like the days of Noaha to me:
as I swore that the waters of Noah
should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
and will not rebuke you.
10For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.b
12I will make your pinnacles of agate,c
your gates of carbuncles,d
and all your wall of precious stones.
13All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindicatione from me, declares the LORD.”

introspection, NF Lyrics, Past and Present, reality, Walking With God

My Review Of The Last 2 Weeks— And Introspection Of NF’s Latest Music Drops

jem

My family started this cool thing where at the start of each week, they share a review of the previous week. Each of them highlight different points and topics, and one of them added a songs-of-the week point— which I just love!

Music is my heart language.

It’s not often I feel I have much of interest to share. They are all brilliant, and talented and have interesting, deep and fun perspectives.

I often don’t. My life is pretty simplified, kind of just a wash-rinse-wring out-repeat cycle— which is maybe just what I need for this season I am in right now.

If you know me, at all, then you know NF music is like a mirror for me to reflect on and God to apply His healing balm through.

So— I thought since the last few days have been absorbing his newest lyrical and visual concepts— I’ll make that my weekly review— in my own blog post style.

Maybe someone else can benefit or will get introduced to some of the best lyrics and music that have ever been on the planet.

Maybe no one will read this at all.

Either way is fine— it just helps me get things out of my head in a thorough and organized way.

The EP— #FEAR— has 6 new gems.

The first song, Fear, also has a video— not for the faint of heart, and will not at all be understood by anyone who doesn’t know NF’s story.

So I’ll just go song by song:

The order is Fear, Home, Who I Was (featuring MGK), Give Me A Reason, Sorry (featuring James Arthur) and Washed Up.

I’m gonna go a little out of order and save the two videos ones for last.

https://youtu.be/ZIS_XyU87xU

Starting with #Home. (please listen) Spoilers— I think he recently lost someone close to him. This song— man— my grandma was my life root! When I lost my grandma, (2007) and I wasn’t able to go to her funeral, well— it hit me so deeply that the loss still echos in my heart. NF, no surprise, hit everything so perfectly— I feel his pain, I remember so vividly my own experiences through the movie he paints with his words and music (no video). I have cried SO MUCH the last few days— like I just lost her, and yet there is that amazingly profound reminder— she just has a new home now!!

https://youtu.be/qrOUAq4Vp2g

#WhoIWas— at first, I was caught off-guard by MGK’s style. I have not heard him before this, but his lyrics are pretty good. The more I listen, the more I get it. When NF comes in— he starts hitting facts that I experienced self-regulating anger and frustration— I think everyone can relate on some level! Hope my kids don’t turn out like me… I won’t do it justice in my description— you just seriously need to listen for yourself.

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

#GiveMeAReason— Fun hype song!! He wants someone to make him mad—give him a reason— so he’s motivated to write and push through in his career. I think we all need motivating pushes at times in our lives. Oh also— this so g was recently used in an MMA match!!

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

Then is #Sorry. This is my favorite— The sincerely spoken word itself is so healing and freeing.

#Fear.

Wow.

The Bible talks about how when we spiritually clean our house (NF’s #Mansion— his mind) then 7 more spirits (demons) will try to come back in. This video, lyrics and music all depict this so perfectly!

When tough things happen, so often our first instinct is to go back to what once felt comforting and safe.

But— when God delivers us, heals us and helps us move forward, we recognize that all those things from before— they were our mind’s, our heart’s, our life’s prison. They bound us and kept us from real freedom, actual peace of mind.

Please watch the video and also listen to the song:

https://youtu.be/lLFoLJIXayk

#WashedUp video:

https://youtu.be/Kyng8yYwvwg

This video and style of NF’s lyrics shows us the old cocky, confident NF. It reminds me of how recently I looked back at how I used to be, wanting to reconnect with what I remember actually liking about my past self— confidence, independence, not caring what anyone else thought.

Some good and negative things about that…

NF does such an amazingly thorough approach to allowing all his life, lyrics, creativity and talent— and his love/appreciation for God— be used as a reflecting mirror for us to look into internally while God applies His healing balm to all of our wounds.

Nf’s #realmusic reminds me to thank God for everything He has done— healing, restoring, replacing, defining—

I am so grateful for God’s willing vessels.

reality

Leaning In

jem

It’s the busy season. Again

I seem to have an instinctive counter-balance to busy-ness, or just an outright aversion to it.

I find myself pulling back, away from constant activities.

From what I understand of myself— I feel like if I get carried away by the undercurrents of life, then I will lose my ability to pay attention.

I need to pay attention intentionally.

I need to know— not just feel— that I am aware and in control as much as possible to all I say and do.

Because when I don’t, when I just give in to all that stuff, that’s when anxiety comes in and it weighs down my consciousness, it trips me up and knocks down my confidence.

Anxiety blind sides me, and knocks the wind out of me.

Physically, I have to pre-plan, to think through obstacles.

Mentally, I need to pre-plan.

Emotionally I need to pre-plan interactions with most people.

Spiritually— I don’t need to pre-plan. God meets me where I am.

Throughout my life, I’ve developed this thing where instead of avoiding most pain (not all pain), I tend to lean into it to test how much I can stand, and if I can push through it or if leaning into it makes it unbearable.

Watching the video for NF’s new release—Fear— I am wondering if I were to lean into anxiety and fear, if it would respond the same way as pain.

I try very hard to hold on to and maintain self awareness. I worry that if I get pulled along with that current of busy-ness, if I interact with other people more often without pulling myself back, I won’t be able to hold on to that self awareness.

I find often I feel I’m expected to explain myself, to defend my actions, and try to “blend in” without causing any “waves”.

So, I step out of that current.

I am aware of when anxiety will begin its rituals of suppression. Sometimes, I even get a physical numb kind of sensation.

That’s when I step back, and away.

I don’t want to even be near where the current is pulling me.

I just want to isolate.

It’s so much easier to lean into self isolation than into anxiety.

Anyway— these are just thoughts I’m having as I watch NF’s new video.

Because to me, that’s what I see him (NF) doing. He tried to free himself from it. And now he is leaning back into the darkness that once plagued him.— while he is seeking God. And God is going to deliver him from all of that. Because— God never leaves us or forsakes us.

Leaning into something is not the same as giving into it.

Leaning into it is pushing back.

It’s standing up under the pressure of it— even when we might feel we are being crushed by it.

It’s testing the resistance of that anxiety or fear.

And— it’s knowing God is bigger, stronger and we belong to Him— He will conquer it, fight our battle against it, for us.

Because nothing can separate us from the love of God— no thing.

Pray for NF as he has transparently shown he is struggling.

God is already working, already planning how He will bring us all through to the other side where His freedom belongs to us all.

reality

It’s A New Day, It’s A New Page

jem

I’ll probably be as surprised by what I end up saying here as anyone who reads this will be.

What a week.

A man was murdered this week.

A man was martyred this week.

I expect WordPress will most likely suppress this as I’ve found they do. Even if I pay to have opportunities for this to be seen— I don’t fit that narrative they help push up to the top of accessibility.

I don’t care.

I’m tired.

But I’m finding this tired is different from the past.

This tired is more like resolve.

It’s more like— I do not care what people’s opinions and judgments of me are.

I want to step out and step up to whatever God’s challenges for me personally are.

In the past, I have trusted the opinions and judgments of others.

Something snapped off in me— something that has been suppressing my self-confidence, my ability to tap into my own self strength or even rely on God’s.

God is very much at work, and I want to know where and how someone like me can just join in.

I hit this wall today that at times seems to have been cushioned, and I think God used that to jar me awake.

I have no idea what moving forward for me will look like.

But I am going to move forward.

I think I’ve patiently relied on situations and maybe even people that aren’t ever going to match what God has put inside of me.

I don’t know what this means for me physically, or in any other way than hopefully spiritually.

I’ve always viewed myself as someone who is beneath others. Not as good as most.

Unworthy.

Unnecessary.

God has me here for a reason.

What He’s started decades ago in my heart, feels as though it’s been suppressed by me. Not intentionally, probably just in how I’ve thought I’m so much lower than others.

Whatever has been holding me down, has been trying to choke God’s Life out of me and leaves me feeling this complete lack of ability— I’m not falling for that anymore.

I’m no longer lulled to sleep by it.

Not anymore.

I think maybe I’m feeling a determination I have not felt in decades.

Now I need God’s direction.

I need Him to light my path, to be that lamp at my feet.

There is no aimless wandering with God— He always has a plan and a purpose.

I need God to work in me physically and emotionally.

I need Him to fortify me, and help me rest in His strength.

Wonder what things will look like in 6 months?

I hope I’ll be right in the middle of where God is at work.

Maybe I have been already, at least partially.

I guess I’ll just have to see. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

reality

J’Accuse!

jem

Today I was accused of being “entitled”.

Let me share why this is inaccurate concerning me.

I didn’t have the “luxury” of growing up in a safe home environment. I wasn’t loved, wasn’t cherished by my parents.

What I did have was abuse. I had hatred directed at me constantly.

What I did have was trauma. My favorite rapper describes my childhood home life perfectly— darker than Halloween.

What I had was an unsafe first marriage.

I’ve lived without a roof over my head because that was safer than the roofs provided for me. Yes— I mean homeless.

I am a survivor.

I am strong.

The military I served in provided me with all I needed to get to a much safer place.

Not necessarily safety— but a new direction, a healthy purpose, and a new start for my life.

I thanked my husband of 27 years today for taking care of me.

I met him through my military service.

He has provided me with a safe place to rise from the ashes of tremendous personal traumas I experienced the first half of my life.

He has always selflessly allowed me to home educate our children, to teach other children music, and to not be inundated with fear or guilt at just being alive.

He has made me feel cherished and appreciated not for what I do— but because of who I am.

Entitled?

Not me. Not ever.

Appreciative? Yes x ♾️

And so very thankful. Still. After all our years of marriage and crazed military life.

My gratitude has no end.

reality

Spiritual Abuse Reality— Signs, Symptoms, Past Echoes

jem

Spiritual abuse is one of the most dangerous, and most difficult to address or confront, forms abuse known.

You will know it by its fruit— prickly on the outside, bitter on the inside.

There are many “lacks” to recognize—

Lack of encouragement.

Lack of empathy or sympathy.

Lack of understanding.

Lack of mutual-sided conversation.

Lack of kindness.

Lack of patience.

Lack of respect.

Lack of confidence.

Lack of grace.

Lack of being heard.

Lack of being believed.

Lack of peaceful interactions.

Lack of peace of mind.

Lack of peace.

Lack of being welcomed.

Lack of acceptance.

Lack of true Pastor-al care and nurturing.

Lack of Jesus.

I thought I got far enough away— both in distance and time.

But I once again feel its grasp, trying to pull me backwards into that terrible abyss of frustration, anxiety, worry, and LACK.

As soon as I feel like I’m getting a solid footing in confidence, in ministry— a new season, a new church— those haunting echoes creep up, attempting to torment my soul with fears, reminders and horrible dread.

I’m not good enough.

I’m not worthy.

I don’t fit in.

I don’t belong.

I’m unloveable.

I’m unacceptable.

I’m unable to be redeemed by Jesus.

No one will ever believe I don’t have some ulterior motives or intentions.

I must have some kind of “jezebel spirit” working through me.

I need to be ignored.

Rather than ever admit this pastor could have ever been wrong about me, he seems to have considered me an enemy of God, in the way of God’s plan, interfering and trying to cause division.

He doesn’t seem to have ever seen or wanted to hear the truth— seems like he’s believed so many wrong things, maybe convinced he has to be right.

One day God will show him how many opportunities he’s missed to treat me (and others— it hasn’t been just me) as God would have him do.

Again I feel stuck with all this residue from spiritual abuse that happened years ago.

I don’t want to get pulled backwards.

I don’t want to fight against this invisible enemy anymore.

I sought reconciliation as God led me.

I sought forgiveness.

I have forgiven.

I need God’s help to continue forward on His path for my life.

This is a stumbling block placed in His path for me that is there to make me fall and not want to get back up.

I’m filled with sadness that this pastor seemingly did not grab hold of that reconciliation, that he seems to believe lies he maybe has sealed in his mind concerning me.

I’m working through this as I write.

I can’t read his mind, maybe I am wrong.

There are plenty of red flag warning signs, though.

My concerns are legit.

I truly hope those red flags are my misunderstanding— or that God helps me look at them as though they are white flags, in surrender to Him.

introspection, reality, The Past, Walking With God

Solution

jem

When God formed me, He designed my learning style to become a combination of visual and hands-on experience.

That’s how I push through.

That’s how I progress.

That’s how I approach nearly every situation.

I look for the hands-on, visual way to learn, to cope, to grow as a human/wife/mom/friend.

I tend to soak in as much information as I am able to.

Then— I figure out how/if/why I can apply that as accurate and fitting.

So— when I notice anything “off” with my health, my attitude or my perspective, sometimes I research it to see if I can figure out the “why” and the “fix”.

As a child, I was immersed in plenty of visual and hands-on learning of what not to do, who not to be like, who not to trust…

As a result of that, I firmly, solidly do not trust the majority of medical information or people.

I learned that most information and “solutions” concerning health, medications, and procedures are based on “best guesses”, patients becoming guinea pigs, and little-to-no research into the after/side-effects/affects.

Very little actual CARE goes into patient “care”.

I got my dangerous visual lessons while my dad was continuously misdiagnosed.

I saw 100% patient neglect as he was pushed through with the medically-hearded people who believed they were being given solid, proven medical solutions and accurate diagnosis’s.

Medical “professionals” applied medications to an abused, traumatized, hurting mind that I have no doubt Satan took much enjoyment in getting his footholds in to.

There was not much in healing attempts in my dad’s mind, his emotions, or his brokenness. Some counseling, some hospitalization when things spun dangerously out of control…

There were pills.

There were side effects.

Abuse, trauma and brokenness became a weapon turned against his family.

So many visually/physically painful, hands-on lessons I learned.

I was so messed up.

As a result— God has turned that around for my good, because He loves me and I’m called according to His purpose.

He reached out to me, and helped me where no other person— medical or otherwise— ever did.

He answered my desperate pleadings for help and love with His rainbow reminders that He loves me and that He always keeps His Word, His promises.

Every person failed me.

God never failed me.

He never just left me alone to figure things out for myself, to find answers on my own.

He speaks truth into the inner places of my mind, heart and soul.

God has healed me from everything the enemy of my soul has hoped would destroy me— to get me to leave the comfort and safety of God.

I have been in a battle throughout my lifetime, for my mind, my heart, my trust…

God continues to never fail me.

If failure ever happens, it will be my own doing.

Never God’s.

As an adult, there have been fresh wounds that run so deep.

The visual part of my learning no longer deals with dangerous— Thank God!!

But, it still pushes through the painful, breath-stealing things I’ve experienced past my childhood.

I’m facing newer things.

Alone— but not alone.

God is always here, guiding me through, helping me see where He’s turned things around for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose.

His purpose.

Sometimes He shows me His purpose.

Sometimes— He does not.

Sometimes I can see part of it, and I see how He blends it in with His purpose for others.

Now I’m aware God provides me with trusted people I can talk to if I need or want to. As a child, I didn’t know how to look for that. I just knew God was listening— hearing me.

Always— He listens when I talk to Him.

Always.

Right now I need His help.

No medical professional’s drug referrals will be my solution— they never are— not for me.

I won’t have hands-on experience with side-effects/affects.

No one knows what is best for me better than The One Who created me.

He has never failed me

There is no “yet” in that researched knowledge.

He never will.

He’s already at work in my understanding and acknowledgement of this newer wounding.

He never gets tired, He’s never under any influence, He never goes against what He already knows is for my good.

He has no ego to feed.

He has no agenda to push.

He has no obligations to make sure certain drugs are being used.

His methods are 100% pure, proven and trustworthy.

He is my Great Physician.

Mind, body and soul.

I can already feel Him at work.

As He heals, repairs, and removes—

He floods my senses with His anesthetic— perfect peace.

reality

My Heart— Thin and Stretched

jem

Back in the early years of our marriage, my husband and I began collecting trading cards for The Lord of the Rings board/card game.

The only card I really remember was called Thin and Stretched. It was a condition put on the Frodo or Sam card to limit its usefulness, and try to get it removed from the game.

Why, you might wonder, do I remember just this particular card?

Well, I have often identified with how it’s defined.

Life tends to do that to me.

Relationships do that to me.

My health and my body do that to me, too.

The last few weeks my heart has definitely been stretched, and in some instances maybe thinned as well.

It was so filled with joy and contentment while all of my kids and their spouses got to visit.

It has been soooooooo stttrrreeeeetched by those visiting having to go back to their far away homes.

Then several other people moved away.

One of my dearest friends moved away yesterday.

And God took my mom-in-law Home to be with Him…

I miss her.

😭

I miss my friend.

I miss my students that had to move.

It’s like God purged out many of the people I care most about, while He gave me special time with my kids and their spouses that live way too far away.

I’ve decided to be nice to me and take some time to adjust and heal, let the sadness be wrung out with a little set-apart time.

Ow!

❤️‍🩹

I can feel that temptation to avoid this pain happening again, that temptation to isolate myself, to build walls to keep the hurt of people leaving again away.

But I’ve decided that, instead, I’ll retreat for a bit, dust myself off, and find new people to let in to my heart, for however long God lets them be close.

God has made my heart malleable— able to be stretched thin, filled, emptied— like a new wineskin that won’t easily break.

Hard to believe now that I used to have a heart like stone, from abuse and mis-use.

God has truly worked His miracles and healing in me.

reality

God’s Gifted Summer

jem

As a kid, my fondest memories are revolving doors with several exits into experiences with my grandparents— especially with my grandma.

One door opens into their backyard where I practically lived as often as I was allowed! Riding the mini motor bike my grandad won in an auction around in a tight circle,”. Playing “ice cream truck” with my brother, our tricycle turned upside down and the pedals somehow being an important part of the game, or being chased around by chickens that got loose, pecking at my calves. Swinging for hours on the tree swing my grandad put up for us and climbing that tree. Pretending to drive his broken-down side-step truck stored off to the side of the backyard. Sneaking into the clubhouse built for my brother and my cousin, and pulling endless weeds out of grandad’s vegetable garden… Such an endless list of memories that leave my heart warm and full of love.

Another door opens into grandma’s kitchen, where she and I baked many cakes, and she’d let me frost them in so many colors— making them sickening sweet! Practicing making the tortillas I’d just learned from the summer school classes at the school behind their house. Nights of playing rummy, or “Go Fish!”, Hearts or “Author Author” at the dinner table where we’d giggle and lay our heads on the table every time she told us to “lay down” a card. The bowls of cereal, half sugar, I’d eat with my grandad as a bedtime snack. Seeing grandad resting after church while we used Silly Putty to “copy” the Sunday Funnies!

Then there’s the doorway into all of our travels, visiting new places each time! A doll museum, wax museum, Santa’s Workshop, car museum, The Garden of the Gods, zoos, The Molly Brown museum, camping out in an RV a few nights at some sand dunes we got to roll down like logs, feeding a deer some popcorn from my hand…

We spent endless hours building puzzles, playing 20 questions, finding alphabetical state license plates, using our imaginations to find every shape imaginable in the clouds, grandma braiding my hair—- laughing so much!!

They got a fireplace, and we’d roast marshmallows inside. On 4th of July’s we’d get the funnest, most colorful fireworks— grandad was always demonstrating the importance of safety by watering the ground and making sure nothing flying would hit anything flammable, both in the backyard and out on the street where we could see what all the neighbors were shooting off.

I miss those days tremendously!

If I had a time machine— TARDIS preferrable (😂), I’d go back to every one of those summers, every one of those precious moments— after I traveled back to hug my children at every age and every stage!!

(Side note— auto-change-my-words changed hug to “high school”— I would never ever travel back in time to my high school days!! 😖😝 😂)

But— let me talk about why I’m writing this blog today.

As fond as I am of those nearly perfect summer memories, I get to exercise my memory muscles again with some amazing, also nearly perfect memories of this summer!!

I got to have all my kids home— here in this beautiful host country where they each were born!

Instead of just describing memories, I have pictures— so many beautiful, heart warming pictures of memories with the most important people in my life!! I have 2 additional kids from other mothers married to my 2 oldest now, as well, no less precious to my very grateful, love-filled heart!

God has blessed me so much more than I could ever deserve!!

For one summer, I got to share my grandma’s experience of being surrounded by all my kids and their spouses, doing the funnest things we could— making memories, sharing our hearts and our lives with one another.

I have no doubt this was just a sample of what Heaven will be like.

May God bless you all with heart-warming memories that are extensions of what God’s promised for our future with Him in Eternity.

Past and Present, reality

Taken For Granted- God Yesterday, God Today

jem

I’ve realized, today, I’ve been walking through my day-to-day life oblivious to the enormity of a gift I’ve been given by God.

The access point.

I have missed so much context by just not knowing, or paying close attention to what I have learned, about the history of God-people interactions.

In the sermon today, God’s Spirit brought into focus for me how much more difficult it seems it was to pray during Old Testament times.

They had to go somewhere that He sanctioned for them to go. They had to build, in some way, a specific place, specified building– and in many cases it had to have specific materials, colors, dimensions, measurements and elements– carefully constructed to an exactness I certainly have never had the ability to craft.

There was a true fear and dedication.

People– generally rulers, prophets– people called specifically by God– often had to set aside time and leave everything behind, and go.

Only the purest in heart and life were allowed inside the inner sanctuary– or they died.

Altars were made as reminders of where God met them in need and relationship– a place they could go back to, to remember.

Fast-forward to New Testament.

Now– We are the Temple of God’s Holy Spirit.

My yucky, sinful flesh is the housing for God’s Holy Spirit.

I can pray whenever, however, in whatever clothing, room, or physical state I’m in, for however long, out loud or in my heart/spirit/head, around any other people or alone, for anything that comes to mind, with any words I choose.

The prayer ball is in my court.

The speaking-prayer stick is always in my hand to talk to God, for however long I choose.

I am the only obstacle in my way to pray.

I choose.

I choose.

So– Why don’t I choose?

So many excuses.

So many “rational” reasons.

So many distractions…

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 “16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

This is God’s amazing, precious gift to us through Jesus–

Constant, open communication with– to and from— God Himself.

My heart should never be divided about this– but I find it is!

But– distractions the world has to offer are so fun, so time-filling, so interesting, so…

Empty.

God always fills.

God always provides.

God always hears.

I have unlimited, unrestricted access to God!

There is no chain of command.

There are no physical walls or barriers.

There are no language miscommunications or need for translation.

There is always God– 100%– in full reach of my heart, mind, soul and words.

I have no excuses.

reality

Smile!

jem

The number of times I have heard people say this to me is mind-numbing.

I have wished to be the type of person who smiles easily.

I’m just not.

I walked away, and turned my back on past traumas.

I have bravely confronted the causes of painful wounds that were caused by the sharp cutting of things outside of my control.

I have embraced the peace, love and joy I receive continuously from God.

None of this frees me to walk as though I am care-free, though.

Just because God has given and I have embraced joy– that does not translate to smile.

Joy does not equal happy.

Not in my book, anyway.

Joy brings tears to my eyes.

Joy brings peace to my soul.

Joy reminds me that Jesus identifies with me, He has felt my pain.

Joy does not equal smile.

Yes Jesus died for my sins, and my soul rejoices with singing and thankfulness.

But the traumas I have endured and pushed through– surrendering myself over and over again to God for His healing– they still happened.

Smile to me says “Pretend they never happened. Fake happy until you convince yourself you are happy.”

I have never once read in my Bible any commandment telling me to be happy.

I have, however, read that I am to be content in all things, patient and kind, generous and forgiving…

Not happy.

I finally figured out– the reason people throughout my life have told me to “Smile!” is because it makes them feel more comfortable.

My reasons for being unable to smile aren’t considered, just how much better others feel around me as long as I just smile.

When I hear how or see how others have been encouraged, embraced and supported in healthy ways by other family members– my soul feels a painful heaviness.

When I am honest and remember the struggles in my life now, and how the ones all throughout my life add to the weight of these newer ones– I am not able to smile.

A smile says everything is ok.

Well– it’s really not. Everything is not ok.

Does that mean I never laugh or smile at things?

It does not.

My “resting” face is not smiling.

My true friends know this, know me and my “why’s”, and accept this about me.

I’m not going to pretend.

Maybe God will grant me some amount of light-hearted times where smiling is not painful.

No matter what though, I know– I will smile all the time in Heaven. ✝️

introspection, reality

Moving On From Disappointment

jem

I think, often– at least for me– when I “deal” with disappointment, I just pack away the feelings and issues it has caused for me.

It’s all neat and tidy, seems super easy to just leave it all behind.

Except– things don’t always stay “packed”.

They “nag” at me.

They pop up from sudden hidden “triggers” in conversations, memories, interactions with certain people– hearing specific songs, eating specific foods…

What’s in your disappointment boxes?

My boxes tend to have any of my thoughts about the situation or person stuffed in them.

I “tape” them shut, but it doesn’t always hold them.

I think I’ve got it all handled, but see– the issues are always tricky.

Boxes can’t really hold them.

Like we imagine or believe ghosts flow through walls and floors of houses– residual consequences from disappointment seep right out of those boxes I so carefully shove them into.

Sometimes as I stand up and walk away– they just follow me.

Sometimes they actually trip me up and push my red buttons of anxiety, stress, even anger.

As a Christian, I try to just lay everything down, figuratively, at the foot of the cross through prayer, or singing of God’s Word and biblical ideas.

I know all the answers and what should-be’s…

I am fluent in Christianese, I “get” how I am supposed to look as I embrace American standard Christian practices.

But the truth is– if I don’t actually deal with what I shove into those boxes, I haven’t actually left them to die where Jesus died for us.

I’m really just practicing “out of sight, out of mind”.

Leaving things at the foot of the cross is meant for us to deal with them, honestly and openly, with God.

Confessing– admitting– how we feel, how much we hurt or it stings– to Him–

Not unleashing my box content on others.

Asking for God’s help to walk away or embracing how God brings about newness in me as a result of the disappointment cause.

God turns things around for my good, for His Good– because anything good can only come from God.

So I am learning, I have to unpack my boxes at the foot of the cross– I can’t just dump them there and walk away.

I have to be open for God to work– God will move me on when He chooses, how He chooses, and for His purpose.

He made me His vessel.

As His vessel– I can’t allow myself to be filled with junk that’s not even from Him.

If my garbage is there, His blessings can’t flow in and through me.

His healing power can’t flow in and through me.

My junk crowds out the goodness of God, it rejects and taints His healing.

Forgiveness is stifled.

Anything I do on my own without Him, thinking I can ignore it or just walk away from it, it becomes a blockage keeping Him at a distance.

My boxes become a wall between He and I.

I need Jesus to tear down all of those walls.

I need to surrender all of the contents to Him.

Only then can I receive the abundant, healthy Life He has for me.

Only then can I truly and thoroughly–

Move on.

reality

Getting Away

jem

Know when it seems like everything around you is a type of storm? Like things are swirling around you, on occasion colliding into you, but it has distance, it all feels separate from you– outside of you.

And then there is that moment of “waking up” in realization that that’s also how you’ve been feeling inside? As if you’ve been falsely lulled into a type of complacency and false sense of peacefulness, while you’re actually living inside of the eye of that storm you’ve recognized that’s agitating around you?

I’ve been becoming aware recently that I’m in the middle of some storm-like build-ups.

The last few years has been a bit of a steep, uphill climb for me.

I think I’ve been ok with finding ways to cope or escape that are convenient for everyone.

I’ve gotten in the habit of staying up when everyone is asleep, and watching mindless shows, playing mindless games.

Everyone here has a reason to get away– whether they want to, or have to.

Except me.

I am *always* here.

I go places for errands, responsibilities, and bettering myself– sure.

My “escape” right now is Perry Mason and an ipad game.

I need a break.

I need a road trip for me– with me.

Last month was full of tough things, changes, and I was sick.

This month is my birthday month– a birthday I am not looking forward to embracing.

The last 3 years have been very difficult in so many ways.

Recovery physically and emotionally–

It’s taking its toll on me now.

I used to go on road trips by myself, many years ago.

I think I just need to get back to some of “me”– the me before the wife me and the mom me took me over.

I need to visit some of the old me before I grew into this old me now.

Maybe then this storm I’m feeling will calm all the way back down.

reality

A Lifetime Of Not Fitting

jem

For as long as I can recall, I’ve known I just don’t belong.

I have almost always felt like I’m outside, looking in.

I’m almost never a pea-in-a-pod.

I’ve had too many unique experiences.

I don’t like to do what most others around me like.

I’m not often content with surface-level interactions.

If I were to make a list of the roles I’ve been assigned by others, it would include:

1) Don’t be seen or heard

2) Exhaust yourself beyond your physical capabilities with volunteering

3) Be a good scape-goat and take the blame for stuff you did not do/say

4) Be available, cheerfully, but don’t bother others when you need anything

5) Be low maintenance

6) Don’t ever have a need

7) Just don’t use the cane you need

8) Just be like everyone else– forget you have physical limitations and limited energy from that immune disorder.

9) Make God heal you 100% already– you obviously are missing or not accepting something…

10) Fit in this “perfect” Christian mold– don’t distinguish yourself, oh– but don’t be too confident in following God’s Spirit

11) Prove you are Saved…

There is only One Who has identified with me–

Jesus.

He didn’t fit in, either.

He was misunderstood.

He was rejected.

He was cast out.

His reputation was trampled on.

Some days I feel the weight of this life’s burdens.

They feel so heavy, it’s a challenge to not feel down-trodden.

Jesus always sustains me.

He never leaves me, never forsakes me.

Though I sometimes feel alone– He is always with me.

When I feel weak, physically, emotionally, mentally– He is my Strength, my Rock– the firm foundation of my narrow path.

People will often misunderstand, discourage or disappoint– Jesus never will.

He and I will always not fit in– together.

reality, Strong Woman

Mess— What You See Is Not What You Get

jem

I’m not what anyone would call a “put together” person.

Hot mess doesn’t even define me— just mess.

Messy.

Messed-up…

No matter how much I fight this exhausting battle of imperfection— in me and in my living space— I have yet to conquer this.

Not dirty.

Cluttered.

My space is too small for all I have.

Don’t get me started on “downsizing”.

And please don’t offer me suggestions or advice.

Just

Don’t.

I have always been sensitive about this issue.

Ashamed.

Frustrated.

Rejected.

Talked about…

Today I choose to embrace the facts.

I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not like anyone else.

I never will be.

Talking with my husband last night, he reminded me—

I have had a lot of experiences.

Experiences no one else has.

Things that— literally— nearly killed me.

Physical, emotional, mental

Traumas.

I am done apologizing for what so many see with their eyes and their opinions— as wrong with me.

I do what I can.

I face mind-numbing overwhelm.

I have stared that down many times.

Sometimes it wins.

Lately though— I win.

So my house has “stuff”.

There are reasons that will never matter to my critics.

They don’t care about my “why’s”

They just care about their preferred ways— how things “should” be.

I have struggled with being lost in a sea of opinions by sight or “first impressions”.

Very few people have taken the time look past, ignore, or focus on person me.

I am not my house.

I am not just a mess.

I am a survivor.

I am a fighter.

I am thriving in increasing health as my body heals from the inside out.

I am many testimonies of God saving, protecting, healing, repairing, changing—

I am the me that God has created.

If you only know me by the imperfect nature of appearance and/or my house—

You have completely missed it— missed me.

That really is your loss.

introspection, reality, Strong Woman

The One Who “Gets” Me

jem

My life has had a specific, consistent pursuit. Sometimes I’m not even aware, other times there is an overwhelming emptiness that squeezes my emotions and mental awareness.

It’s sometimes felt in the form of loneliness, even though I am rarely alone.

This very specific thing requires understanding to be the perfect fit. Without understanding, it can take on the shape of condescension, or pity.

I don’t mean the kind of understanding where a pat on the back and a look of concerned compassion are extended.

I mean— walked in my shoes, lived through similar enough experiences so that true understanding is a connecting force.

That kind of understanding.

That requires communication.

That requires listening.

Being heard is something I rarely feel I fully experience when attempting to communicate.

Sometimes it’s because I falter in my words or actions.

Sometimes it’s because no one is listening.

Not being heard is overwhelmingly frustrating and causes that deep emptiness to squeeze my emotions.

Being identified with is important.

Not just anyone can fit this in my life.

Someone who literally has “been there, done that”— not in the condescending way many often speak that phrase— I mean, having lived that phrase.

I am at a point where I should be listened to more, brushed aside less.

Why?

Because I have survived and thrived though some pretty intense things.

I have never met anyone else that had a toddler mountain lion use their head as a chew toy.

Been there— done that— don’t want to ever again…

I’ve met a few who have gone through similar emotional, mental and physical things I have— and even some who seem to value what I learned the hardest ways possible.

People who don’t get offended when I share from my very real experiences.

Those are the ones I find I seek to spend more time with.

Not the ones who think I am weak and I have nothing of value to say.

The ones who can listen to advice— solicited or not— because all I ever want to do is encourage and help others, to identify with then however I’m able to.

But without communication, that’s not possible.

Without understanding and a measure of humility from both sides, it just can’t be a healthy, thriving friendship.

Without concern for the things I’m concerned for, the friendship never gets past the surface level.

This is why the lyrics to so many NF songs resonate so deeply for me!

I have never met him.

I will never meet him here on earth.

But— he “gets” me because he has also survived through the hardest of life’s situations, though not the same things as me.

I wish I could be known by others enough to find others like that around me— kindred spirits.

But no one talks anymore.

Everyone talks— but says not much of that measure of value.

How well are you known by anyone else?

In my spirit, though I long for those around me who identify with me— I know there is always One Who “gets” me.

Jesus.

I haven’t experienced what He has— maybe a few things on a tiny scale.

He has experienced some of what I have, but not in the same ways that I have.

But He understands my reactions.

He sees where I have healed and still need to heal— sees the “invisible” wounds inflicted upon my spirit, throughout my life.

He is patient, kind, and gentle.

He has and is understanding.

He sustains me always, and He helps me get through those lonely times.

He truly is my Rock and my Salvation.

Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, NF Lyrics, reality

Can I Cry “Uncle”?? (NF Happy Reaction)

jem

I’m not sure where to even start.

There are so many things this song and video have stirred up in me this past week.

The title of this blog just mirrors what I am realizing within myself—

Everything I have experienced— is there ever a point where I can scream out in agony — “Enough already!”?

Is there going to ever be a complete healing, or is God just going to have to keep gouging out the infected areas of so many deep wounds that reach far beneath the surface of my very essence and existence?

Is there going to be a “sometime” where I can expect full healing to just be complete?

I mean— before God takes my spirit to Heaven?

The lyrics— once again God has given NF the words I just can’t ever put together to fix the puzzle of my darkest days past.

“I got some traumas that I can’t forget…”

But I’m not allowed to talk about them.

I’ve never been allowed to talk about them.

And now that I’m older, I’m just supposed to continue on like they never happened— or they never affected me.

Come on.

It’s time to be real!

I’ve skirted so many issues over the years, even in here, because of this invisible jail cell of silence I’ve been “sentenced” to.

I grew up traumatized by a mentally ill dad.

Just like the wish from the little girl in the video, as she blew out her candles— I left every bit of that behind so I could walk into a new life, as I followed closely— desperately— after Jesus.

Jesus forged my path into surviving, and becoming a victor— no longer a victim.

The mental and emotional abuse, on their own were enough to destroy me— except for Jesus reaching down into my life when I was just 5 or 6.

The physical abuse was more than any child should ever have to bare— and I bore it completely alone— except for Jesus.

No one reached out to me to comfort me, no one apologized to me — ever— for what my dad stole from me, and the ways he hurt me.

No family member ever had my back, was in my corner, or placed me into safety.

When my dad tried to murder my mom on Mother’s Day— he beat her with the sides of his fists— no one talked me through the effects of that.

No one.

I saw what he did.

That little girl’s face in this video— that reflects me as a child so accurately!!

I don’t know probably the majority of things he did to my mom— because she refuses to talk about stuff with anyone.

Especially me.

My mom has always had an underlying hate and embarrassment for me— for as long as I can remember.

She was always at work.

I had no relationship with her, other than she worked to make sure we had necessities.

And I am grateful for that.

But— I was robbed of a healthy, Godly relationship with her.

So— watching this HAPPY NF video— and trying to get a firm grasp of the lyrics that draw blood with every point made— so many things I’ve coated the surface over screamed in agony.

God has delivered me from the PTSD of my childhood— but His healing continues to go deeper, and becomes more intricate each time He has to gouge outmore infections I didn’t even know are there.

Infections that keep healing from being thorough.

Infections only God can see, and His timing to remove them knocks the wind out of my spirit at times.

“Living in my agony, watching my self-esteem go up in flames…” “Truth is I don’t know who I’d be if I was happy…”

What exactly is happy, anyway?

I think it’s a mirage.

Like Paul, I have learned how to become content.

So— I may not smile, I may not be outgoing and talk easily with strangers, or even acquaintances.

I have too many experiences to have that sort of carefree freedom.

I did not escape the traumas of the first half of my life unscathed.

I still freak out inside when I think about the cougar that used my head as his chew toy when I was 7 or 8.

I still feel the deepest sadness that I will never have any sort of relationship with my parents that I see so many of my friends now have, or had.

“I have family that I just can’t connect with.”

That’s why I moved away.

If I hadn’t followed God to where I am now, I doubt I’d be alive today— or want to be.

I am so very thankful for the second half of my life where God redeemed me and He provided me with a path and the support I have needed to move forward.

No one else had ever had my back.

God always has.

I am who I am today because God picked me up and carried me through trauma after trauma.

He saved my life more than once.

He Saved my soul.

He listened to me, and I have no doubt He has wiped away my rivers of tears many times.

Where I have been failed time after time by the people in my life, God never fails me.

For that reason alone I am able to rejoice despite so many years of suffering.

reality

Chasing Acceptance— Conditioned Or Suffocated?

jem

Why?

This is the one word, the one question, that has defined so much of me.

Why?

Why has everything so often been such a fight for me?

My life, in so many ways, has been so exhausting.

I have gotten to a point where I don’t think much on my past.

My past no longer defines me.

Except in the minds and opinions of a few people who refuse to see I am not who I once was—

I’m not who they have thought I’ve been.

For years I felt like I was trapped inside of a mirror.

Some looked at me, and instead of seeing me—

—they see their opinion of me.

Opinions reflect back, and hide the reality of me.

I removed myself from that.

It was either leave, or die.

No one has seen the desperation I have dealt with in my own heart, because of my decisions and behaviors of past me.

God has seen, though.

He sees me.

The actual me.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

So— finally— I have been walking in that freedom.

Until recently I walked right into a wall of that— once again.

And once again— there is that question

Why??

And here again is that mirror I am trapped in while this person admires his opinion of me.

It’s not imagined.

It’s not in my head.

It’s not something I can just not be affected by.

Because there will always be that question—

WHY??

I don’t deserve that.

Maybe if people who I should naturally receive acceptance from didn’t hold up their reflected opinions to define me instead of taking time and care to get to know me— maybe this would not matter.

But— that is not the case.

I was conditioned from an early age to believe that I can never be enough— good enough, smart enough, confident enough— to earn acceptance. Acceptance isn’t just given away.

I used to believe I had to just live inside of that reflection of their opinions.

I let them keep me there.

I accepted it.

Now I just want God to shatter that mirror and allow who He has formed me to be, who He has healed me to be—

Shine through.

His Light in my life can be blinding to those unprepared to see it.

He has healed my mind.

He replaced my broken/destroyed heart that had turned cold and hard from years of rejection, misunderstanding, lack of compassion, abuse and hard circumstances— replaced it with a heart of flesh.

He is continuously healing my body.

He healed my broken spirit.

I have moved closer to Him, as I have moved farther away from all of those who have a history of having caused me emotional and spiritual injury.

No one would want to walk in the shoes of my past.

I have to revisit some of these things to re-appreciate what I know God has done for me., and I don’t want to walk in the shoes of my past.

I finally feel freedom to allow joy to begin shining into and through me.

Some just don’t get it— I didn’t have joyfulness in the first half of my life.

They just don ‘t get it— I was living in mourning.

I still mourn the loss of my dad.

Not his death.

That we had no relationship.

That he missed out on the healthy relationship God wanted him to have with me.

I have mourned the loss of many relationships.

Until my husband won my heart— I never knew acceptance. I never had the freedom to just be me!

I had to learn who me is.

And now I know—

I am a child of God.

Jesus is now reflected through me, in me.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

If those who value their opinions over God’s work cannot recognize that—

They are missing God.

After looking closely at all of this going on under the surface of me, and writing what I’m experiencing, realizing and feeling—

My spirit can breath again.

It’s no longer being suffocated.

My spirit is nurtured carefully by God.

He has been so, so GOOD to underserving

me.

reality

False Encouragement

jem

I think we all have well-meaning people in our lives. You know the ones that are quick to redirect our honest, heartfelt, deep moments of transparency, into something that makes them feel more comfortable.

The ones that think they know us well enough to correct us.

But reality is— they just don’t get us at all.

They don’t realize the wall they are putting up, or the signals they send.

Maybe this is why God is often the only One I feel comfort in, or safe confiding in.

God has never left me feeling like something is wrong with me.

He never leaves me feeling like I’m stupid, or over-sensitive, or misunderstanding His Word or calling on my life.

He never tells me to push myself farther than I know is too much for me.

He tells me to lean on Him, that He is my strength.

Not that I have to do things in my own strength or because it’s what people are expecting me to do or be like.

God has never made me feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about.

God never makes me feel like I’m a burden.

I am often confronted with things I see others have that I just don’t have.

Relationships I’ve just never had access to, for whatever reason.

I’ve spent my life working to be for others what I’ve wished I had.

Someone who hasn’t been in my shoes can’t understand my perspective.

That doesn’t mean my perspective is wrong.

That doesn’t make me a target for mocking and sarcastic opinions.

That makes me normal.

I have been broken.

God has chosen to repair some things, but He has also— for His reasons— chosen to not repair other things.

Relationships.

Giving my life to Christ has not fixed anything about me to perfection.

I have been conditioned to feel ashamed, to feel “less than” everyone else.

But Not by God.

God has been working deeply in me to re-condition me. To fix ungodly beliefs about me being deserving of nothing more than being under the feet of others. Ungodly beliefs that I deserve to be the scapegoat carrying the shame of others.

That is not what God has created me to be.

I have grown children, and I’m still struggling with a belief system imposed on me as a child— the belief that things would be better if I just weren’t born. Belief that I’m supposed to take the blame for things others have done.

Belief that my reputation, my feelings— my life— don’t matter like everyone else’s does.

Undeserving of the life God chose to give to me.

Those are lies of the enemy of God that people who claim to be Christians have imposed upon me.

It’s not often, anymore, that I reflect upon these things.

As I do now, I recognize God’s Hand upon my life.

God moved me away. He has provided for me and nurtured me.

As The Potter, He has been deep at work reshaping the ungodly beliefs others have bestowed upon me. People I have striven to impress, to gain the attention and affection of.

Even today, decades later, the striving is in vain.

It’s exhausting being the only one that cares about nurturing relationships I’ve wanted to desperately hang on to.

I am exhausted.

So— I am letting them go.

I’m not expecting the same effort I put in. In fact— I’ve already experienced the evidence that I can fade off into the distance, and just be gossip, but no relationship.

Experience has taught me I’m not someone others will put that effort into.

Emotionally it has always been a taxing thing for me. It has caused anxiety, stress— worry…

Physically I am just as weak as I am emotionally, now.

My reaction wants to be to just not care.

But that’s not how God made me.

God made me to not only care— He made me to empathize with others who have similar experiences.

There are those I’ve tried to share things with that will tell me to calm down, that I’m too sensitive, that what I’m feeling or understanding isn’t real.

Those people are wrong.

And I’m done hitting the walls they put up out of intolerance for what is just me.

God placed them in my life. I don’t believe they are fulfilling God’s calling for them in my life, and I do think God cares.

Often my spirit feels weighted down with a sense of grieving. That is just fact.

It’s not depression.

It’s not self-esteem issues.

It’s grief.

Grief over the ones who helped instill those ungodly beliefs God is working to fix my understanding of.

Grief as He calls attention to them, as He focuses on making sure I recognize each one of them, and He shows me what His Truth about each one is.

People are fallible.

I just want to be malleable under His Hand as He works out all of those mars and lumps.

NF – All I Have Lyrics excerpts “All I ever wanted was somebody to hear me
And all I ever wanted was somebody to feel me
And everybody wanna tell me that I’m out of my head…”
“And you better get ready cause you might find
I’m from a different place and my kind
It’s a little bit different than yours is…”
“I don’t live for the world
I live for the King, I live for the King, focus
Wrote this with emotion
You do what you wanted but you can’t contain me…”

Don’t tell me that this isn’t real, don’t tell me it’s not how I feel…”

“All I ever wanted was somebody to get this…”
“I stand behind these words. I’m a Christian but I’m not perfect
Don’t tell me to calm down. I’m calm now,…”
“Yeah it might take a minute to get it but once you get it everything will be crystal clear
I don’t think they see my vision here. I don’t think they see my vision here!
Don’t tell me that this isn’t real
Don’t tell me this ain’t how I feel
This is all I have. All I have.”

NF – All I Have



Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, introspection, NF Lyrics, reality, The Past

Translucent— Paralyzed (Do You See Me Down Here, Oh Lord?)

jem

Merriam-Webster defines translucent as:

“permitting the passage of light:

: transmitting and diffusing light so that objects beyond cannot be seen clearly

Clear, transparent

translucent water

: free from disguise or falseness”

I guess if I had a “theme” for my blog posts, this might be a defining term I’m aiming for.

I’ve been working my way through more NF songs, lately. Today, I have two on my heart.

The first one, I think it’s a deeply important one to address— “Paralyzed”. The second is the chorus from “Oh Lord”. (I think both can be a great mash-up.)

As the “Paralyzed” lyrics flow, they hit sensitive areas in my past that I buried or forgot about.

Oh, my God, thank You— he has described this lack of just everything— that I could never put a name to!!

I still have moments of this numb feeling, in certain social situations, I get struck with this— paralysis— NF has given it a name! I can define it! You have no idea how impactful and healing that is for me. If the “spotlight” focus of attention is on me— I still sometimes freeze up! When I leave social meetings, I sometimes have this weird ache— almost like that feeling when the numbness wears off at the dentist— in my chest. I feel vulnerable,

exposed.

I spent many of my youthful days going through the motions, disconnected from my emotions.

These lyrics transcend just words for me— they overwhelm my spirit with… I don’t really know what. Understanding, maybe? Relief?

I didn’t think anyone could ever understand. No one around me ever seemed to. But then— I was afraid to even ask, to talk about anything.

I just thought I was alone.

And then— I remember someone telling me they struggled with the same kind of eating issues that I did— and they gave it a name— Anorexia. I thought I had a friend I could identify with, that understood me. But— friendship with me wasn’t something she was interested in. In fact— she seemed annoyed that I had those problems too.

I was alone.

My whole life, all I ever wanted was to feel included, wanted, appreciated— valued.

Absorbing the lyrics from the NF song “Paralyzed”— they took me right back to those moments. Only, as I again felt them, I was also standing outside of it all, looking at it from a perspective of having been healed, or delivered, from the damage and circumstances that rendered me

detached.

I remember walking through my middle school hallways, realizing— I couldn’t feel anything.

I was emotionally numb.

I think that was when the self harm started for me.

I spent years hiding the scars on my arms and legs. They have faded, can’t be seen easily anymore, but I know exactly where they are.

When I wrote poems, I marveled over where the words even came from. I didn’t write thoughts I was meditating on, inspiration didn’t come from outer sources, dreams or conversations. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I just had to write.

“Can You see us down here, Oh Lord?”

I wonder what I look like to God? I know all the encouraging words of Scripture— and I believe them.

I also know God sees what we can’t see or understand.

I think as the lyrics from “Paralyzed” grab my heart, make me catch my breath from overwhelming remembrance, understanding— and emotions I’m no longer detached from, flood all my senses— I see that God is outside of things, but He somehow still feels what we feel, He sees what we see— and so much more.

My world felt impossibly dark and devastating.

But God.

God’s Light has diffused the darkness my soul was held captive in. His Holy Light came into my life, and all that nasty darkness fled— Jesus set this captive free. He healed my heart and my life.

He restores my soul.

Daily.

As much as we often believe our childhood shapes and defines us— it’s not permanent. I believe that.

The damning, torturous grip that once had its hold on me, has been released.

God broke the fingers of that stronghold over my perception, that affected my decisions.

There are some who are in a similar place to where I was.

It can get better. Most often, circumstances aren’t permanent. There is nothing God cannot change, heal, repair, restore or improve.

You are not alone.

Nothing is too difficult for God.

“Intro:]
When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
Where are my feelings? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Yeah, I’m just so paralyzed)
I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I know I should (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?) (Oh. How come I’m not moving? Why aren’t I moving? Ay yeah)
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me? (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord??) (Where is the real me?)
I’m lost and it kills me – inside (I’m paralyzed)

[Verse 1:]
When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where’s the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

[Verse 2:]
I’m paralyzed (Do You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me – where am I? (Don’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
Look
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em (Can You see me down here, oh Lord?)
I just watch ’em
I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box (Can’t You see me down here, oh Lord?)
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen

[Outro]
Do You see us down here? Oh Lord
Can You see us down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us down here? Oh Lord
Oh Lord, oh Lord
Can You see us? Can’t You see us?”

reality

Compassion

jem

“That’s their problem, not mine.”

How many times have we both said, and heard, this phrase?

How many times do we see this in Scripture? Food for thought!

It is far too easy to dismiss the struggles and frustrations of others because it’s inconvenient, or a lot more effort than we want.

Why am I thinking about this now? Because my husband and I are caught right in the middle of red-taped bureaucratic change.

The process is not at all considerate of ways, means, or the amount of time wasted.

Typical government garbage.

The only way compassion can be infused is if the people making the decisions had to actually deal with the process they are inflicting on others.

I’m not going to get into the logistics of it all, this ranty post is not about the details.

It’s more about this process that seems to expect us to all run like programmed computer software.

Forget the physical exertion needed. Shutdown the emotional and mental reactions— no one cares, so just suck it up and press on! So what if it costs you way more money than it should?

What if someone did care?

What if, when decisions that affect the lives of others were made with the consideration, cushioning, for the reality that people are not like computer software programs, at all?

For the last 2+ decades, my family has lived in situations where someone is always changing something that directly affects us, and we just have to roll with their punches.

So, I can’t help but wonder— what if the politicians and bigwigs making all these spur-of-the-moment changes, had to actually live through the process and the consequences of those decisions?

Well— things would sure be more people-friendly then, wouldn’t they?

I find the lack of compassion in so many systems, disturbing.

Thank God we have Jesus and The Holy Spirit to help us through all the cold-shouldered processes that seem to be increasing at an alarming speed, with every vote, every signature from those who think they rule, rather than govern with compassion and understanding.

The government is upon His shoulders, and the weight never crushes Him.

So even with all these added, burdensome care’s inflicted on us— my soul can still sing— Thank You, Jesus. Especially when my emotions want to lash out, my body wants to collapse in exhaustion, and my heart wants to mirror cold-shouldered, cold-hearted responses to the inflictors.

Today, will be worked out.

Complications tomorrow will be worked out.

Jesus will always be my Rock in times of struggle.

Always, in all ways.

reality

The End Of The World

jem

Chaos. This is the idea being pushed all around us. Urgency. Fear. We are surrounded by this, wherever we look. The news. Family and friends. The medical community.

We can’t escape the chaos.

Or— can we?

There’s a newer song with a verse that says, “The atmosphere is all around. The Spirit of The Lord is here. The atmosphere is changing now. For the Spirit of The Lord is here” Here as in Heaven

While everything around us wants to immerse us in chaos— God remains outside of it all.

How can we get outside of it, as well?

When we pray, when we commune with Almighty God, we turn our backs to it all. Much like Jesus who was so outside of the chaos, He slept on the boat. Fear did not touch Him or cause Him to react. But those He loved panicked, and woke Him to change the atmosphere. He was outside of that fear, but He changed it— told that storm— “Peace. Be still.”

And the atmosphere obeyed.

When I read and remember Scripture— Jesus will be returning once again, to rule and reign for 1000 years. Will every person be dead? Will only His haters survive?

No.

So, that means all the chaos caused by fear pushed by media, by political viewpoints, by climate change purveyors— none of that will affect the second coming of Christ.

So why get caught up in it all?

Why let the media convince us to be afraid, worried, to hate people who aren’t persuaded by their narratives?

Why?

We can turn our backs to it all.

We can trust Jesus. We can lean on Jesus.

We can rest in Him.

If God is not moved by it all, why should we be?

We can throw our hands up in surrender to Him, release it all, and confess to Him we have allowed our emotions, words and actions to be manipulated by the pushed chaotic ideas of the day, and release it all to Him.

Because He holds our entire world inside of His hands.

He does not cause the chaos.

He does not get involved in the chaos.

He remains outside of the chaos.

I’m trying to kneel there at His feet, and stay outside of it with Him.

It’s so peaceful and clear outside of the storm.

Or, should we also panic and beg Him to calm this storm?

I personally believe there is a reason— this is the season— for this storm.

I’d rather wait it out while spending the time with Him in His Presence— under the shelter of His wing. I can breath here. I can rest. I can rejoice in Him.

Outside of the chaos, with Jesus— that’s the very best place to be.

introspection, reality

Forgive Them? Why??

jem

This is a recurring theme in my life, it seems. And not just little things— really big, hard issues. When things start to finally relax, suddenly it becomes necessary to exercise my forgiveness muscles again. I have lifted some of the heaviest issues with these muscles. I don’t see a need to flex them for vanity purposes— these are the necessary muscles for living a life that keeps me close to Jesus. They are the strength that is unseen, coming from an unseen force— Jesus, Who is my Mediator, my Intercessor— my reason for living. He keeps me continually moving forward.

I’ve been dealt some difficult cards throughout my life so far, most seem to fall under the category of betrayal. I don’t know if I can even categorize them all. The one thing they have in common, besides intense pain, is an attack on trust.

When the burden of offense against me is so heavy— a crushing weight, God reminds me that forgiveness lifts that burden off of me and puts it at the foot of the cross.

We can’t take anything with us when it’s our time to move on from earth— that includes the offenses and hurts from others. When we surrender them to Jesus, Who bore the crushing weight of every offense, past, present and future— we walk in the truest form of Grace and Mercy.

When we come face to face with the knowledge that Jesus said, while being crushed by all of the sins of this world— “Father, forgive them because they don’t understand”, we then have the tiniest of glimpses into what Jesus endured on that cross, in our place. He willingly surrendered to every betrayal we’ll ever experience.

That is why we forgive. Again. And again. And again…

“Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven…” Matt 18:21-22

reality

Expectation Meet-Up

jem

I’ve failed. Again. No big surprise. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the game by now. I show up, with all of my imperfections– which are easily recognized at first glance– and I fail the test. You know– the test– where I do, or behave, or look like the labeled box I “should” just fit right in to. Where I “fall in line” with how everyone just is or just does– just sayin’…

The expectation test.

Although, I must admit, the anger I seem to detect lately is a new twist. I mean, surely I deserve whatever reaction the opinion of unmet expectations metes out, right? Surely I have no right to react or respond, or– heaven forbid– show any sort of weakness emotionally or physically.

I see the looks behind your eyes, I am aware of the reactions, and all it does is push me farther away.

Humanity has been such a disappointment to me most of my life– other than my own family. See there? You didn’t meet my expectations, either. I’ve expected grace, kindness, but have most often been meet with coldness, disappointment or indifference.

Thank God for Jesus.

Jesus didn’t meet most people’s expectations, either. In Him I find my own identity. In Him I find acceptance, and peace– comfort in all of my times of need. Where I am weak, He is strong. Where I am found lacking, He provides everything I need. When life just makes me more tired, when my body fights itself leaving me exhausted and frustrated– He carries me, He ministers to my spirit– giving me rest.

God made us to need other people. For myself– that remains to be a double-edged sword.

This is what has been on my heart this week.

Maybe God will choose to heal me this year. Maybe He will enable me to better fight back against that invisible enemy that attacks my body. Maybe He will just continue to draw me nearer to Him. I have learned to be content with where I am, no matter how He answers my prayers and needs– have you?

If I’m not angry about my personal fight, what gives anyone the right to be angry with me about how I manage my personal fight?

After nearly 51 years of life, I’m tired.

Be kind. Pray. Don’t put expectations onto me–I will never be able to meet them. You have not walked my path, experienced the things I have, or fought the fight I deal with daily. Maybe you’ve heard things about me, taken out of context. If so, you are adding opinion to heresay.

How is that Godly?

I expect to receive the grace of Christ from my fellow Believers.

Are my expectations too high for you?