Category: Christian Thoughts

reality, The Past, Walking With God

Good For Nothing

jem

The title of this is more than just words, for me.

This is what I heard, often, from my dad.

Good for nothing.

Good. For nothing.

Nothing.

No thing.

No worth.

Zero.

Worthless.

Worth less than nothing.

Just in the way.

My dad was not a nice dad to or for me.

I fought to survive despite this sentence he judged me to live by, imprisoned by these mean, horrible words.

As an adult, I realized I had to leave the part of my world where these words were my definition, to follow where I believed Jesus was leading me— to begin learning how to survive and thrive outside of that word jail cell.

I started a new life, away from everything and everyone I knew.

Away from that pronounced judgement over me.

But those words never left the self-belief system they were installed in.

They continued to run in the background of my self picture— like a rogue computer program— distorting everything I desperately tried to make myself to become.

God’s Word told me that I have value in Him.

To Him.

Through Him.

But why?

I had less than nothing to offer to Him.

God began to build me up, in Him. New. Refined.

He valued nothing me.

I was just like a new born, learning how to walk in His footsteps on my path.

Dancing with Him, my feet on top of his like a little girl dancing with her dad.

I dared not take even one step without verifying which direction to go, how long of a stride to take.

Things in life broke me.

The military broke me down.

God built me up in Him.

Isaiah 54 (see Scripture below) is the first Scripture where He spoke into my soul and began to breathe HIS Life into me.

I began my journey with Him as my Guide.

Not as a tourist visiting.

As a resident learning the ways, the ins and outs of His Kingdom principles.

I started going to a church where I began learning how to walk in that new creation in Christ that He was teaching me how to embrace.

Over time, people went in and out of my interactions.

I had no idea how to form healthy friendships or Christian relationships.

Because my vision was deeply impaired, I began trusting the vision others (that I believed) God was showing who He was shaping me to be.

And then I hit a stumbling block.

A pastor who reinforced what my dad had taught me about me.

No matter what I did, how much I tried to both fit into a box of expectations God didn’t make me to fit into— while desperately trying to break out of the labeled box that was a prison for me— I didn’t fit into anything.

I wasn’t trustworthy.

I couldn’t be believed.

I was undermining the pastor’s authority because I didn’t just go along with what he— an ordained man of God— said because I, just a lowly, uninformed, unimportant person dared have concerns or questions.

He didn’t believe I was Saved— made me prove to Him I was by getting baptized a second time— and still didn’t believe it then.

He told me that I was in God’s way, causing problems.

A new label was added to me— Jezebel.

Had I not had a solid relationship with God, I would have been crushed under the weight of his judgment on me and believed that God didn’t think I was good enough, sincere enough, repentant enough— serving Him enough— and I would have believed Salvation just wasn’t a Gift for me.

Thank God He had already broken through all of those lies!!

Now I know my life in God’s Hands has made me priceless to Him.

Maybe no person on earth will ever find any real value in my existence— But God formed me.

God created me.

God put me together.

And what God has put together— no man can break apart.

I am His.

He is mine.

Nothing can take me from the palm of His hand.

No matter what any person believes they “know”— God thoroughly knows me.

I make mistakes.

My vision is still impaired.

But when I look at things through His Word— He makes things clear.

He opens my understanding.

God still picks me up to dance with Him through life.

Sometimes He lets me stand on His feet while He takes each and every step.

Sometimes He just picks me all the way up and holds me.

He never treats me like I am worthless— good for nothing.

After all— His own Son died so I could be in His Presence for all of Eternity.

God doesn’t roll his eyes when he sees me.

His eyes light up with joy— because He knows exactly how broken I was and He has never given up on me.

Isaiah 54 (ESL) The Eternal Covenant of Peace

1“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.
2“Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.

4“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
7For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
8In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD, your Redeemer.

9“This is like the days of Noaha to me:
as I swore that the waters of Noah
should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
and will not rebuke you.
10For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.b
12I will make your pinnacles of agate,c
your gates of carbuncles,d
and all your wall of precious stones.
13All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindicatione from me, declares the LORD.”

introspection, NF Lyrics, Past and Present, reality, Walking With God

My Review Of The Last 2 Weeks— And Introspection Of NF’s Latest Music Drops

jem

My family started this cool thing where at the start of each week, they share a review of the previous week. Each of them highlight different points and topics, and one of them added a songs-of-the week point— which I just love!

Music is my heart language.

It’s not often I feel I have much of interest to share. They are all brilliant, and talented and have interesting, deep and fun perspectives.

I often don’t. My life is pretty simplified, kind of just a wash-rinse-wring out-repeat cycle— which is maybe just what I need for this season I am in right now.

If you know me, at all, then you know NF music is like a mirror for me to reflect on and God to apply His healing balm through.

So— I thought since the last few days have been absorbing his newest lyrical and visual concepts— I’ll make that my weekly review— in my own blog post style.

Maybe someone else can benefit or will get introduced to some of the best lyrics and music that have ever been on the planet.

Maybe no one will read this at all.

Either way is fine— it just helps me get things out of my head in a thorough and organized way.

The EP— #FEAR— has 6 new gems.

The first song, Fear, also has a video— not for the faint of heart, and will not at all be understood by anyone who doesn’t know NF’s story.

So I’ll just go song by song:

The order is Fear, Home, Who I Was (featuring MGK), Give Me A Reason, Sorry (featuring James Arthur) and Washed Up.

I’m gonna go a little out of order and save the two videos ones for last.

https://youtu.be/ZIS_XyU87xU

Starting with #Home. (please listen) Spoilers— I think he recently lost someone close to him. This song— man— my grandma was my life root! When I lost my grandma, (2007) and I wasn’t able to go to her funeral, well— it hit me so deeply that the loss still echos in my heart. NF, no surprise, hit everything so perfectly— I feel his pain, I remember so vividly my own experiences through the movie he paints with his words and music (no video). I have cried SO MUCH the last few days— like I just lost her, and yet there is that amazingly profound reminder— she just has a new home now!!

https://youtu.be/qrOUAq4Vp2g

#WhoIWas— at first, I was caught off-guard by MGK’s style. I have not heard him before this, but his lyrics are pretty good. The more I listen, the more I get it. When NF comes in— he starts hitting facts that I experienced self-regulating anger and frustration— I think everyone can relate on some level! Hope my kids don’t turn out like me… I won’t do it justice in my description— you just seriously need to listen for yourself.

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

#GiveMeAReason— Fun hype song!! He wants someone to make him mad—give him a reason— so he’s motivated to write and push through in his career. I think we all need motivating pushes at times in our lives. Oh also— this so g was recently used in an MMA match!!

https://youtu.be/3HMLme-2LHg

Then is #Sorry. This is my favorite— The sincerely spoken word itself is so healing and freeing.

#Fear.

Wow.

The Bible talks about how when we spiritually clean our house (NF’s #Mansion— his mind) then 7 more spirits (demons) will try to come back in. This video, lyrics and music all depict this so perfectly!

When tough things happen, so often our first instinct is to go back to what once felt comforting and safe.

But— when God delivers us, heals us and helps us move forward, we recognize that all those things from before— they were our mind’s, our heart’s, our life’s prison. They bound us and kept us from real freedom, actual peace of mind.

Please watch the video and also listen to the song:

https://youtu.be/lLFoLJIXayk

#WashedUp video:

https://youtu.be/Kyng8yYwvwg

This video and style of NF’s lyrics shows us the old cocky, confident NF. It reminds me of how recently I looked back at how I used to be, wanting to reconnect with what I remember actually liking about my past self— confidence, independence, not caring what anyone else thought.

Some good and negative things about that…

NF does such an amazingly thorough approach to allowing all his life, lyrics, creativity and talent— and his love/appreciation for God— be used as a reflecting mirror for us to look into internally while God applies His healing balm to all of our wounds.

Nf’s #realmusic reminds me to thank God for everything He has done— healing, restoring, replacing, defining—

I am so grateful for God’s willing vessels.

introspection, reality, The Past, Walking With God

Solution

jem

When God formed me, He designed my learning style to become a combination of visual and hands-on experience.

That’s how I push through.

That’s how I progress.

That’s how I approach nearly every situation.

I look for the hands-on, visual way to learn, to cope, to grow as a human/wife/mom/friend.

I tend to soak in as much information as I am able to.

Then— I figure out how/if/why I can apply that as accurate and fitting.

So— when I notice anything “off” with my health, my attitude or my perspective, sometimes I research it to see if I can figure out the “why” and the “fix”.

As a child, I was immersed in plenty of visual and hands-on learning of what not to do, who not to be like, who not to trust…

As a result of that, I firmly, solidly do not trust the majority of medical information or people.

I learned that most information and “solutions” concerning health, medications, and procedures are based on “best guesses”, patients becoming guinea pigs, and little-to-no research into the after/side-effects/affects.

Very little actual CARE goes into patient “care”.

I got my dangerous visual lessons while my dad was continuously misdiagnosed.

I saw 100% patient neglect as he was pushed through with the medically-hearded people who believed they were being given solid, proven medical solutions and accurate diagnosis’s.

Medical “professionals” applied medications to an abused, traumatized, hurting mind that I have no doubt Satan took much enjoyment in getting his footholds in to.

There was not much in healing attempts in my dad’s mind, his emotions, or his brokenness. Some counseling, some hospitalization when things spun dangerously out of control…

There were pills.

There were side effects.

Abuse, trauma and brokenness became a weapon turned against his family.

So many visually/physically painful, hands-on lessons I learned.

I was so messed up.

As a result— God has turned that around for my good, because He loves me and I’m called according to His purpose.

He reached out to me, and helped me where no other person— medical or otherwise— ever did.

He answered my desperate pleadings for help and love with His rainbow reminders that He loves me and that He always keeps His Word, His promises.

Every person failed me.

God never failed me.

He never just left me alone to figure things out for myself, to find answers on my own.

He speaks truth into the inner places of my mind, heart and soul.

God has healed me from everything the enemy of my soul has hoped would destroy me— to get me to leave the comfort and safety of God.

I have been in a battle throughout my lifetime, for my mind, my heart, my trust…

God continues to never fail me.

If failure ever happens, it will be my own doing.

Never God’s.

As an adult, there have been fresh wounds that run so deep.

The visual part of my learning no longer deals with dangerous— Thank God!!

But, it still pushes through the painful, breath-stealing things I’ve experienced past my childhood.

I’m facing newer things.

Alone— but not alone.

God is always here, guiding me through, helping me see where He’s turned things around for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose.

His purpose.

Sometimes He shows me His purpose.

Sometimes— He does not.

Sometimes I can see part of it, and I see how He blends it in with His purpose for others.

Now I’m aware God provides me with trusted people I can talk to if I need or want to. As a child, I didn’t know how to look for that. I just knew God was listening— hearing me.

Always— He listens when I talk to Him.

Always.

Right now I need His help.

No medical professional’s drug referrals will be my solution— they never are— not for me.

I won’t have hands-on experience with side-effects/affects.

No one knows what is best for me better than The One Who created me.

He has never failed me

There is no “yet” in that researched knowledge.

He never will.

He’s already at work in my understanding and acknowledgement of this newer wounding.

He never gets tired, He’s never under any influence, He never goes against what He already knows is for my good.

He has no ego to feed.

He has no agenda to push.

He has no obligations to make sure certain drugs are being used.

His methods are 100% pure, proven and trustworthy.

He is my Great Physician.

Mind, body and soul.

I can already feel Him at work.

As He heals, repairs, and removes—

He floods my senses with His anesthetic— perfect peace.

Walking With God

Father’s Day— Out Of The Ashes And Shadow Of Anger

jem


Anger is a stumbling block and a thief.

Saul— before God gave him the new name of Paul— struggled with being angered by those he believed were blasphemous towards God.

So much so he had several followers of Jesus Christ killed.

After extreme measures by God to get his full, repentant, attention, God redeemed him.

Paul became so submitted to God, He entrusted his life and his death to Him. He feared nothing because he knew he was experiencing what he himself deserved after all he had done to others before Jesus saved him.

Maybe the mentioned mysterious thorn in his side was his knowing what he had done— knowing that he, “the chief of sinners” (as he called himself)— was undeserving— disqualified—because of his earthly actions. But God CHOSE to look past that, to forgive him and redeem him and use him to become a pillar of wisdom, knowledge, love, mentorship and leadership for us all. Still today through God’s Word, Paul is being used to bring freedom, healing, wisdom, knowledge, redemption, God’s forgiveness, and lasting fruit of God’s Holy Spirit.

Grace.

Peace.

Kindness.

Patience.

Love.

Self control.

Everything Good thing that comes from God.

During Moses’s early life, he was set apart. He chose to suffer with his people, rather than indulge in the lifestyle he had been placed within. He chose God rather than submit to the leadership of the wealthy, earthly kingdom family even as he had been taken in as their own. He forsook Egypt, unafraid because of his faith in the Eternal God of his true people. Through faith he practiced, faithfully, the purposed traditions of his birth people, the Israelites. (Hebrews 11:23-29)

And yet— Moses killed a man— but God still chose to use him, chose to redeem his actions, to save His people. He did something unthinkable— yet God used him to part the red sea to set God’s people free from being slaves to the Egyptian government— the Israelites were some the world’s first examples of human trafficking.

God looks out for those who are mistreated— He rescues them— though we may not always recognize that’s what He’s doing. He uses us— as we submit fully to Him— to do so.

He cares.

He rescues.

He redeems.

He gives purpose.

He told Moses not to strike the rock with anger, but to speak to the rock— and He had His reasons. Maybe because speaking to that was metaphoric for God speaking to our rock-hard hearts. Or maybe because Moses had such a temper, he scared others and they didn’t feel safe with him. Because of Moses’s temper getting out of control with whiny, complaining— scared and unbelieving— Israelites, Moses lost His opportunity to enter the earthly promised land God gave to the Israelites.

But— Moses is one that was “seen” with Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration— Mount Tabor (Luke 9:28-36).

If we look through the lens of these two fallible, messed-up men— we get a pair of example-binoculars to see God through.

These two “fathers” of Faith.

My own earthly father suffered from uncontrolled anger. (If I’m honest— we all suffered from his uncontrollable anger.) To this day I still react out of the “conditioning” I learned from just trying to not make my dad mad. In my own adult life I have offered to take the blame— be the scapegoat— in order to prevent someone else from having to suffer the consequences of someone else’s anger. Because that’s what I was forced to do as a kid. I was terrified of my dad’s anger— the actions that came out of that enraged condition.

I can imagine how terrified the Israelites could have been as Moses displayed anger— rage— on the few occasions we have on record in God’s Word. I can also imagine their hearts turning hard as rocks towards God because of the anger His chosen vessel displayed towards them!! When my brother and I complained or fought in the backseat of my dad’s car, he would reach back and smack us hard. I don’t think Moses ever struck the Israelites— but he broke the tablets of Commandments He wrote out while He was in that physical and spiritual high place communing one-on-one with God Himself. How scary that must have been— even though they certainly provoked Moses to react in anger. Moses hit the rock, out of anger provoked by afraid, lack-of-faith Israelites, when God specifically told him to **speak** to it in order to bring forth water for the Israelites in the desert to drink. Moses got angry because the Israelites were mirroring his own lack of self control— but rather than confront that with God’s directed way— he reacted from his own flesh reaction.

I used to struggle with anger. Anger born out of fear— anger I mirrored from what I had witnessed from my earthly dad.

When I gave my life entirely to God, He set me apart so far from my old life, He moved me across the world. He removed me from a toxic environment that most likely would have somehow killed me by now.

He has chipped away at everything that instilled anger that used to burn constantly at a low “heat” within my heart. He has tamped that down and instead He has stoked His love and concern for others as He built a new kind of fire within my heart of hearts.

It’s something He fans, the flames swell and flicker from the breezy winds of His Holy Spirit within me, outside of me or my control.

Out of the ashes of the fruit of anger, He has caused His purpose to become the fruition of my life.

I’m no Moses or Paul, or any named person written in God’s Word for us.

I am however written with His Book of Life.

Despite me..

Break-down/Break-through/Reaction, introspection, NF Lyrics, Walking With God

Pinpoints

jem

For as long as I can remember, I have a deep intense need to be able to capture things important to me, and share them.

When I see an amazing sunset, or the always-changing beauty of the colors of the sea.

My picture taking lacks depth of those details.

If I learned to draw, could I learn skills that would help me capture fully what I see?

It’s the same for me with words.

Nf lyrics
NF lyrics

How can I fully convey those things deep within my soul that have held me bound?

NF lyrics

How do I explain what I know needs to be released?

NF lyrics
NF lyrics

I feel things so deeply!

Maybe that’s the product of so many years of feeling numbed by the painful things that shaped the first half of my life.

NF lyrics

For so long I thought that meant something was wrong with me.

I was told that something was wrong with me.

I was treated as though I’m nothing but ridiculous and not to be taken seriously.

It has taken me several decades to move past that— to know they were wrong.

Sensitivity— sensitivity that God has carefully crafted within me—has plagued me so deeply at times, it feels like the wind is knocked out of my spirit.

NF lyrics

Maybe others don’t experience this.

Maybe they do, but say nothing.

One thing I have learned is— if no one says anything, some people feel like they are alone in what they deal with internally.

If I can bring the internal turmoils, sensitivities and breath-stealing emotions to the surface— if I can capture them— maybe someone else will not feel alone anymore.

This describes how I felt years ago— but God has moved me on. (NF lyrics)

I have that same desperation to capture the things God focuses on within me as He continues to heal the deepest of inner wounds.

NF lyrics

Only He knows these wounds, but everyone “sees” them— they just don’t recognize what they are.

They surface as my reactions or responses to things.

My physical body has reactions and responses to my diet.

My emotional instincts have a reaction or response to the environment around me.

My inner spirit has reactions and responses to so many external things that attempt to poke and prod at it.

Memories.

NF lyrics
NF lyrics

Words.

NF lyrics

Experiences.

Relationships.

God.

NF lyrics
NF lyrics
NF lyrics

The good news is that God continues to be deeply at work within me— where no one else can see — in my heart, my understanding, my reactions and responses!

I am healthy.

In my mind.

In my heart.

In my spirit.

In my body.

Gaining more and more of God’s health and perspective every day!

Maybe He will give me the abilities and the opportunities to capture and share all He continuously reveals to me.

I am unworthy— I know this better than any person.

I know where He rescued me from— the bottom of rock bottom.

The only direction I had to go was ⬆️.

✝️

This was my life!!!

There is so much in this post.

Hopefully it pinpoints exactly what God has done, and is continuously correcting, healing, repairing and perfecting in me.

I believe God created me to be an open book of where, how and why He is— and has been— at work in me.

I am nothing but a complete mess without Him.

Reality Check, Walking With God

What’s In A Phrase?

jem

There are key phrases in our culture and daily lives that we hear and say often, but have we stopped to think what they actually mean?

One that’s sticking out to me at the moment is our “self worth”.

Each of us have value to many other people and sources. The value isn’t always a positive thing, or in our best interest, though.

Take our current online culture, for instance— our individual and collective value is often in the form of data. Pieces of us— information or data, have become a type of currency in some ways, as Social Media platforms make deals with various advertisers, government officials, even governments themselves, to get as much data as possible in an infinite number of ways.

We are valuable sources for information.

To politicians, we are valuable for molding by opinions and “news” reports to help “shape” our opinions through fear, outrage, disappointment and anger. They value us for our votes for them or their causes.

But self worth— that’s a whole different facet.

Self worth is often influenced by the negative things people say about us or to us, or negative reactions.

For instance, if, as a child, we grew up in a critical environment where complimentary things spoken to us was not common-place, our understanding of our self worth can morph into the pictures we get from the words of others, or develop as a reflection within that environment.

For instance— being called “good-for-nothing”, “worthless” and “just in the way”— that has affected how I view myself, in so many ways. I heard those things decades ago, but somehow they became embedded in the make-up of who I have developed into.

In some ways, that has actually spurred on some positive things. Having lived through the impact of those words hitting my malleable confidence, I know how much they hurt to both hear and receive treatment from others as being true.

But, even now I have a tough time finding my footing to be solid in relationships with others. I don’t have the benefit of self confidence near as much as I did years ago.

Life has happened. Circumstances have beaten me down. Health issues have left me tired and weakened.

I’m finding I have a new resolve now, though.

I’m resolved to surround myself, carefully, with those who purpose to build me up. I can’t use my limited energy on having to repair what others would tear down with their harsh opinions and treatment.

I’m finding, for the first time in my life, I feel delicate and I need to guard that.

And anyone who would mock that, I don’t even want them to be a part of my life.

My confidence is not the self worth that the world insists that I have.

My only worth is in Jesus. He highlights Himself in me— my words and my actions.

These aren’t just words and actions to me. I can dazzle the world all I want with gifts, talents, and pizzazz— but I cannot fool God. The things we strive for in this life mean nothing in Eternity with God.

So— in my personal life I have set up boundaries for me— Either I am built-up in Him by those who love Him, or I hide in Him to block out the mean and spiteful things meant to pull me down on a level God never created me to be on.

If I am really hidden in Christ Jesus, the things or people that seek to tear me down, can’t touch me.

I wish I were there already!! I have such a long way to go! Until then— I’m gonna struggle with confidence and sure-footedness with others.

I’m giving myself permission to be who I am as I continue to grow into who God is shaping me to be.

I can’t conjure up self-confidence just because some demonstrate no grace, no tolerance, or no understanding.

I apologize for how I am way too often. I care about the opinions of others way too much. I’ve tried to live up to those heavy expectations and opinions— until I just can’t any longer.

I’m not strong enough.

I try to hold myself up to a different standard because I know how it feels to be on the end I have where lived my entire life— where my personal beliefs, my experiences, my opinions have been treated as stupid, unimportant, uninformed or wrong because someone doesn’t agree.

My self confidence has taken many direct hits during it’s existence. I’ve lived with the belief if I’m not doing something perfect, I’ll just be messing it up for everyone. If I make a mistake, that’s what people will remember, not the 99% that was done right.

To some degree, everyone experiences this— I know.

I have built up a personal intolerance for it.

I believe God also has intolerance for it, as well.

Modeling myself after Christ means I have to self-regulate the way I treat others.

I have to monitor myself.

I also have to protect myself in Christ to be sure I am being built-up in Him.

Not by the world’s standards.

By Christ’s standards.

Demonstrating not only His love for others— but His love for me— His confidence in me.

I’m not used to anyone having confidence in me.

So— the Creator having confidence in me?

That is a tough one to keep a grip on.

True humility is admitting and embracing God’s truth about ourselves.

He thinks more highly of me than most in my family ever will, more highly than any person I’ve ever interacted with—

More highly than I could ever imagine, or dare to think/believe about myself.

He sees the whole picture.

I see one pixel of the picture…

He has chosen to use this nearly-destroyed vessel— in remarkable ways I still can’t believe He chooses to.

He knit me in my mother’s womb, and He is still reshaping what He put together.

I am not kidding when I say— if He can use my life, my heart, and instill His purpose in me— He absolutely can and will in anyone!!

In you.

I am amazed by His work in and through my life.

He weaves threads continuously that are creating a perfect picture— tapestry— throughout all of time.

My life is one thin, short strand in the most beautiful picture ever created by anyone.

God’s Eternal tapestry.

Walking With God

The Heart That Holds On

jem

“Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm, through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

Through every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

You never let go of me!”

I can’t begin to tell you how God used this song to rescue me, to reach deep into my soul, during one of the most difficult times of my life.

He never let go. He didn’t turn me away. He wasn’t too busy for me.

He saw me.

I don’t think my circumstance had even reached the next portion of this song, but it gave me hope.

“I can see the Light that is coming for the heart that holds on

There will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You

Still I will praise You”

And then, now when I look back— I can recognize I am now walking within that hope, living within it.

My heart is one that has held on. At times, in desperation, and at other times in the dull numbness that traumatic situations tend to cause. There has been an end to deep troubles, and I have been able to praise Him— even when I didn’t see how things could change. But— I believed God could make the changes— if it was His Will to.

It was His Will.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

His Word never changes.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Walking With God

Out Of Adversity A Victor Arises

jem

Have you ever felt like your life was dealt a death blow?

Have you ever felt like you’re down for the count, so to speak, and everything in you screams to just give up, just give in to the pressure on you to stay down— make it stop!

Have you faced situations that made you want to just buckle under emotional stress and declare “Uncle!”

If so, what made you rise up and fight back?

Was it self pride? Tenacity? A hatred for losing?

What motivates you to stare into the tendrils of fear, and defy it’s pressure?

I am a fighter.

I will fight to survive.

I will fight against bad treatment of my children. I will fight for them to attain their dreams, as much as they will allow me to. I will fight for my relationships to be healthy and strong with each one of my children, because God lent them to me, entrusted me with them— and besides loving them, I sincerely like and enjoy each one of them.

Being a fighter is exhausting. It’s overwhelming.

When I’m fighting “battles” on several “fronts”— it takes everything I have in me.

The battle of health, home, relationships— sometimes mentally and emotionally, I am down for the count. Health alone is an enormous fight that most people never see, and nor would they understand.

The battle with my health is a constant undercurrent. Adding other battles to that is something I’ve grown used to, but in all of that, weakness wants to take over.

I’m not weak, though.

I’m actually stronger.

I’m stronger because I have help.

I don’t mean physically strengthened, but an inner resolve.

An unction.

Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to bear it all on my own. I have an inner, and outer strength that’s not my own.

Even when I forget, God remains faithful.

Even though I don’t deserve it— God sustains me.

Scripture has taught me that God works His purpose through people who have done some pretty bad things! Paul murdered people. King David almost killed his father-in-law, and he killed a giant, not to mention making sure a man died because he wanted his wife!

Yet God made sure their stories focused on what He accomplished through these imperfect humans.

While I tend to focus on all of the many, many ways I fall short and negatives that have hurt , God has been writing my story in His history books with Him and His grace at work both in me and through me, as the center focus.

Psalm 121:1-8 “A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

My inspiration comes from Jesus, Who did not just give up, but fought actual death— and won! He is my example, my inspiration my strength— my Help!

Every battle I struggle with, belongs to Him, and Him alone.

Walking With God

The Pre-Made Path Of Christianity

jem

Something from a song I listened to today has gotten me thinking.

I believe most Christians are familiar with, or have at least heard of, the “Roman’s Road“ for simplifying the Gospel Truth.

That’s just one example of an effective way to help guide others through what can be an overwhelmingly large task in learning about Jesus and God’s plans for each of us.

That’s also one example of something we just do. We simplify, we go out of our way to find a way around difficult situations or long term plans.

Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “cookie cutter Christian”— the idea that we have to conform to some pre-made mold, to look like and act like everyone else in our “religion”.

I am a bad, bad cookie.

I just don’t fit into any of the pre-made molds I’m “supposed to” fill.

I never have.

Truth be told— I’ve never wanted to.

Even now, I’m struggling with a few things because I still have it in my belief-system that I have to be something God didn’t make me to be. For other things— there are reasons, experiences— even traumas— that have steered my reactions in a different way.

I know— I’m supposed to be conforming to Christ. And— I am. Just not in the way many in my life have tried to push me to do.

Their mold for me is not a good fit. The edges are too sharp, the design is too busy, the sizing is way off.

I don’t want to conform to what I should according to anyone’s opinion.

Their mold doesn’t look like the Jesus I adore.

Often, their mold is missing Grace.

It’s missing Peace.

It’s missing the Individualism God has specifically placed in each design of each person. Unique talents, gifts and interests.

It’s missing the Free Will God has gifted us all with— but far too many try to take that away from us.

The pre-made paths of doctrines, expectations, and behaviors don’t work well with everyone in the same way.

My path is continually being paved by God with kindness, graciousness, understanding, forgiveness, patience— yes, PATIENCE.

I’m so sad to say, I find these things to most often be lacking in any pre-made road anyone has ever tried to persuade me to walk down.

I need help to conform not to this world, but to Jesus.

How many times has humanity missed the mark because we are too distracted by someone else?

Time for us all to wake up. Before God has to cause a shake-up.

2 Timothy 3:5 holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these.

My path is narrow, continually being laid before me, Thy Word Is A Lamp Unto My Feet, A Light Unto My Path.

Walking With God

Self Sabotage

jem

Lately I have become aware of an enemy in my camp, so to speak.

I’d love to be able to point my finger, along with my focused outrage and frustration, at someone.

But, if I were to point any fingers at anyone at all— all of them would point at me.

I’m not sure why I work tirelessly to undermine myself or my confidence with myself, and others, in me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I deserve it.

Maybe it’s because there are still old “tapes” running in the background of my thoughts— “You don’t deserve this.” “You are worthless.” “You don’t know what you are talking about.” “You are too emotional.” “Who do you think you’re fooling, anyway?”

Things I’ve heard others say to me, about me, over my life.

Things I’ve internalized, because certainly those people know me better than I know myself. Right?

I’ve put my confidence in how others see me, or how I think others see me— because I know I have blind spots. I can’t always see many things about me.

I have based so many things off of what it looks like other people’s reactions to me are.

I have plenty of things that are against me as I face the world, daily.

Overweight. Most people don’t even know I’ve lost a lot of weight. I still have a way to go before I’m satisfied with the outer me.

Physically I’m weak. I used to be strong. I used to be independent.

I used to value those things in myself, and even expected them from others.

God has allowed me to now be in a type of place filled with humility and self- disappointment. And— I’m sure that disappointment is universal.

I can’t do many things I used to be able to do.

So, the things I feel strongest in, I’m not confident in my ability to do them. I’m not confident I won’t just provoke further negative reactions to me.

Many years ago someone advised me that when I’m ministering to someone— praying for them, participating with praise and worship, speaking or teaching— don’t pay attention to people’s faces. Because you can’t tell what is happening inside their hearts. They can have a “look” on their faces or react/respond for an infinite amount of reasons. That can become a stumbling block for allowing God to just work through us.

As a violinist, that goes completely against my nature and teaching! I was taught to watch the conductor. Watch for the signals, the eye contact, the head nods, even verbal cues. While I wasn’t watching the crowds/audience per se, their reactions were always telling! Either they liked it, or they did not.

I just pay way more attention to those things, plus body language, than I probably should.

Because of words said to me, and reactions from people important to me over my life— I rarely trust when words don’t seem to match the rest of what I instinctively observe.

It gets confusing, trying to live up to expectations from signals and reactions others appear to have towards me.

Maybe that’s why I self-sabotage.

Who really expects I’ll ever amount to, or accomplish much of anything?

I mean— I’m too intense. I need to calm down. I’ve even been told someone wished I hadn’t been born… I’m just in the way. I talk too much. What I want to do, or how I feel is just stupid or embarrassing…

I guess I’ve just unconsciously believed all of that. Even though, consciously I know it’s mostly not true or accurate.

I feel like I need to measure up to the expectations of others— and those unconscious thoughts have, in my past, been the expectations of others.

So— I self-sabotage.

Maybe that’s why I strive so much to always encourage others. I’ll be their cheerleader, because I have confidence in them. All of us need encouragers. I have them in my life now, I purposely surround myself with people who build up and encourage.

This world has too many ways we are constantly torn down. As Christians I believe God wants us to be builders— not destroyers.

Scripture has taught me that I need to place my confidence in Christ.

God made me with a purpose— His purpose for me.

Those things that have been said, those negative reactions to me, those expectations from others— they don’t match His view of me.

And— who knows me better than God?

A Mom's Perspective, An Honest Perspective, Walking With God

Parenthood: Common Threads

jem

**Disclaimer— If reading this will offend you— then don’t read it. Offense is never my intention. Also— this is about no one. As I attempt to get my thoughts written out, I want to acknowledge I am only an “expert” in my own experiences. I don’t know anything about anyone else’s. I empathize and attempt to understand . I’m not here to correct , inform or instruct. I’m just talking. I pray that God provides us all with His view.**

We all have experiences, and, most certainly have opinions, concerning parenting.

No two parenting experiences can be exactly the same. In general, there are billions of similarities. But, at the very heart— every single one is unique and cannot be duplicated.

From within and without, throughout my own years, I can see so many common experiences. What we often refer to as “stages” and “phases” for children— all of us have or will go through them.

As much as we focus on children, parents— I believe— also go through stages and phases.

For those of us who have and are raising up children, there are so many common threads.

Fear with anticipation (or dread) are the first responses— generally. I’m sure there are a billion ways to describe billions of “first time” experiences. But, from my view over the years, I’m recognizing our focus is often not uncommon— infinite dreams and fears, worries and hopes…

Every child is a unique and beautiful experience.

Notice, I did not say easy and fun.

Not every part of parenting, in any stage, is easy or fun. In fact, I’m not sure worry ever completely dissipates. It’s always lingering, somehow, in some way, in the background, in decision making, interfering with the enjoyment of the evolving relationships with our children, as well as with others.

Fear of making wrong decisions.

Confidence of making right decisions.

Rigidness of how things “have” to be.

The “easily offended nature” of feeling criticized. Often when someone isn’t even doing so, our worry or fear of somehow doing it wrong, or someone thinking we’re not doing it “right”, can transform into our feeling criticism from others— even when it’s not present.

Don’t get me wrong— there is plenty of criticism to experience!! From every direction possible, we all experience some forms of criticism everyday, at every stage.

I believe— when we turn our focus away from what we believe others think, to our one-on-one relationship with each child, that becomes what is important. When we interact with each one as an individual and we drop the wall expectation often creates— the relationship thrives. This can nurture every relationship, in every situation, as well.

When we focus on things we have decided is are faults— blaming ourselves, worrying about the opinions of other people— that stirs up frustrations, disappointment— even anger. In my experience, if that’s what becomes “nurtured”— that can cause a dysfunctional edge to the relationship.

I don’t think we even realize what poison pills expectations and concerns about the opinions of others tend to be.

Of course there is always some level of expectation that we hold— with ourselves as well as with our spouse/partner/the other adult influences, and our children. Expectations are a part of our “make-up”, in every role we find ourselves filling.

Expectations can be crushing, though. If we allow those expectations to guide us through our decisions and become our view of how things “should be”— they will become like a bulldozer of destruction.

Who can possibly thrive under the weight of someone else’s expectations for them?

As a mom of 4, I am astounded by how much love my heart can hold. And— with that infinite amount of love is also plenty of fear, worry, doubts in my decisions…

We parents, we stumble through a lot more than we may let on. What we most often let the world see is confidence, security, resolution— but underneath it all, the stuff we often protect from detection is a jumbled mess of emotions— guilt often takes shape, and can form into our reactive outer shell.

Being responsible for the protection, the provision— the life— of another human being as it grows into it’s own ability to embrace the complicated depths of parenting— that is the weight of the common thread.

Those of us that have embraced our roles as parents, we want our children to be healthy, happy, safe, and provided for in every possible way.

For myself, I now recognize similarities I have in common with my own parents.

I didn’t even know the worry and fear that form a constant state of feeling guilt— even existed.

As a kid, I could only form my opinions by what I could see and match them up to what others seemed to have, or what Hollywood portrayed as “normal”.

As a parent, now I can “see”. It’s an open-ended experience!!

As an observer of human behaviors, I recognize so many common threads.

They may manifest in infinite ways— but their roots began from the same seeds.

Thank God He is the perfect parent.

As we grow in understanding of all the perfect, amazing characteristics of our Creator— we can find that rest we seek— at times desperately seek.

The more I learn about God, the more I want to be like God with my own children.

That is an unlimited objective— never fully attainable, but always continuing.

I’m not the same person I was when the birth of my oldest “crowned” me as “mom”. I won’t be exactly the same when Jesus returns, or when Father God takes me Home.

Thank God.

Walking With God

What If I Just Can’t Thank Him For The Trials?

jem

I’ve heard many people, throughout my lifetime, tell me I should thank God for the difficult things.

This has never sat well with me.

Just like I’ve heard some say that everything that happens is because God wants it to happen.

The God I serve doesn’t make bad things happen.

The God I serve allows bad things to happen.

These are not one and the same.

The God I serve made sure His faithful servants, Shaddrach, Meshach and Abednego were protected in the fiery furnace.

God did not put them inside of the furnace. He did not light the fire.

God did not make Joseph’s brothers sell him into slavery, and make it appear to their dad that he was dead. God knew before it happened, He warned and encouraged Joseph. God then led Joseph, He protected Joseph, He raised Joseph up to a place where he demonstrated God’s mercy, His forgiveness and His provision for some of those people who made the bad things happen to Joseph.

God restored.

God tested Abraham’s faithfulness with his promised son’s life. God provided Abraham with another way— He gave him a ram to sacrifice, and through his obedience Abraham proved to God that He trusted Him, Isaac proved that he trusted God through his father. God proved He is trustworthy.

Paul was warned that bad things were going to happen to him by someone who worried for his safety. Bad things happened to him— but God did not make the bad things happen. God led Paul through every situation.

As I’m thinking about Paul, before God renamed him, I do remember God inflicting him with blindness. Why? Because He needed to get Paul’s (then Saul of Tarsus) attention. As Saul, he was persecuting severely—to the death— God’s chosen people doing God’s chosen work. Through the blindness Paul was inflicted with, God showed him that he was behaving as an enemy of God— no matter how “righteous” and pure-of-heart his intentions were. He humbled him, made sure he was able to hear, to see, the truth about Jesus and everyone preaching that Jesus was the promised Messiah.

I realize God can do whatever God wants, whenever God wants, and He doesn’t ever have to make sure any of us understand why.

But.

I believe He has gone to great lengths to do just that.

Everything we ever need to understand God’s unchanging character is written for us to study.

Before I knew I needed to follow the example and words of Jesus, I did things and said things that most likely made me God’s enemy.

I can’t think of even one bad situation I believe God ever made happen in my life.

Even at my worst!

I will never believe God made people hurt me in the multiple ways I’ve been hurt.

Many of those situations I walked right into, eyes wide open, and it was people— not God— that hurt me.

But God was with me in every single situation.

He made sure the right things happened, the right people of His choice helped me.

He has been right there, protecting me— undeserving, frustrating, mis-guided me— every time.

All of the time.

There is not one bad thing in my life that I can ever thank God for.

I don’t believe Scripture teaches us to blame the bad things on God in order to then thank Him to glorify Him.

I just can’t do that.

My God is Good.

My God is kind.

My God is understanding.

My God is my comfort.

My God is my Healer.

My God protects me.

My God never forsakes me.

In every fire, every troubling situation— He is my Rock.

The Rock that those hard places try to crush me against— He shields me, never crushes me.

No matter how much I have deserved to be crushed.

I can always thank God for turning bad things around for my good, His Glory, because I love Him deeply and I am called according to His purpose.

He does not start the fires.

He makes sure they don’t burn me.

For that I will forever thank Him. Eternally.

God's Heart, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Communication— Let’s Talk About It

jem

1 Cor 13:11-13 “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

The struggle is real.

Effective communication is a skill we Americans have lost.

This information age has severe relational consequences.

Personality clashes are enhanced by our lack in effective communication skills.

We are all at a disadvantage.

We all behave like children, at times, insisting on getting our own way while not hearing what others have to say.

And, we avoid. Unfortunately, avoiding dealing with things — that never resolves anything.

But, head-on resolution isn’t what most feel comfortable with.

Where is that middle ground?

Many years ago, I was included in an uncomfortable confrontation about me. God’s Spirit spoke to my spirit, and told me to not let myself get pulled into it. My character was attacked, and what did I do? I let myself get pulled into it, which backed me into a corner of having to defend myself.

It was ugly.

Over the years I’ve heard God’s Spirit tell me to not get pulled into the middle of situations where I’m left having to defend myself. Situations where I instinctively want to fight back, to attack. I’ve learned to remove myself from the “line of fire”. Sonetimes I have to ask Him—How??

How do I stop myself from being dragged in?

I’ve found directly confronting issues is the most effective way to resolve conflicts.

Sadly, in some situations, no matter how I try to confront issues, the people involved react as though I’m attacking them. There seems to be no separation of issue vs personal attack, no matter how I try to explain things. And I’ll find myself, again, backed into that corner of having to defend myself.

I don’t attack people.

I confront issues.

I wish communication was this easy thing.

When I was newly married, pregnant with my first child, I was given some wonderful, Godly advice I still strive very hard to stick to.

When in the tug-of-war of an argument, lay down my end.

As soon as I feel defensive, I know— I need to stop tugging. God never intended us to exert our own strength against one another in our relationships. Jesus should be our strength.

Sometimes laying down my end includes walking away. Sonetimes it means just waitng for the dust to settle so calm, rational resolution can happen.

Sometimes it means I don’t return fire with an argument— instead I tell my husband I love him, and I kiss him. (True story.)

Sometimes it means I have to pray through the uncomfortable inability to get resolution.

In the end, when I stand before Jesus, I want so much to be able to say I valued the relationships—the people— He has given me more than I valued appearances of being “right”.

I’d like for others to value me the same! Not to be directed by opinions of me or past mistakes, or infused by reactions to things misunderstood— with no option or ability for my clarification.

Situations throughout my life have evolved instead because the focused value was placed more on a mistake or failure than on me as a person! I have a failed first marriage that exhibits that! I’ve had to block people, or shut them out of my life, because where I failed or misstepped is their valued focus. I am not. How I feel or what I am going through is not.

That weight can be crushing.

I think that’s what makes my road with Jesus so very narrow— maneuvering the snares and pitfalls Satan loads into situations where God’s instructions for us through His Word and His Spirit (as well as Jesus’ example for us) aren’t closely adhered to.

Unfortunate things happen all the time. Misunderstandings happen all the time.

Confronting issues should be the focus, I believe.

Attacking one another should not.

What would Jesus do?

How would Jesus respond?

Would He allow Himself to be backed into a corner, and just be attacked?

He removed Himself, went off by Himself. Except when it was time for Him to pay the world’s sin’s cost.

Jesus valued the relationships He built up with His disciples— His family, His friends.

He valued people.

I’ve never seen in Scripture where Jesus quickly jumped to conclusions. I’ve never seen Him react, close off listening, and just do whatever was easiest and quickest.

Oh— but I sure do that!

I am woefully deficient in behaving like Jesus. Thankfully I can talk with Him— about everything (no matter how difficult, embarrassing, self-loathing, or angering it is!!). I can resolve things, and I can walk steadier— in His strength— on my narrow road.

God’s Will is the goal— live as peacefully as possible with others.

Ultimately peace through God’s grace and Jesus’ strength, is my goal.

That peace that surpasses all of my understanding.

God turns everything around for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

The stuff that He turns around shouldn’t be the focus, it’s what trips me up every time.

Jesus should always, at all times, be my focus.

Treating others the way Jesus treats me should always, at all times, be the focus of my intentions, at the center of my heart.

People are so important to Jesus that He died for us all!

People need to be that important to us, as well.

Walking With God

My Testimony

jem

I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to share my story of what God has done, and is still accomplishing in me. I’ll be honest— I’m recognizing a deep, breath-constricting anxiety as I set out to share this here. I have family that won’t want me to talk about it, some who still don’t even believe what I experienced. Fear or worry about what they think or feeling like I have to defend myself, have been my boundaries in the past. Being called a liar, or treated like a liar has been an anxiety-riddled prison. So much so, that just speaking in normal settings about everyday things triggers an anxiety that I “talked too much”.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts here, or if you know me personally, you may already know bits and pieces— or large chunks— of the circumstances that started out as my mold. The mold that God broke when I surrendered it all to Him as I finally hit my rock bottom, and circumstances, mistakes, and unGodly beliefs tried to crush me.

The picture I chose above is significant to me. So many things I can glean from it that describe my personal experiences. The water can represent so many things, but I see it as God wearing through the hard places to forge a path forward for me to follow. My path has been rocky, twists and turns threatening to cause me to get lost or stuck, or even follow a wrong path. Before God— it was just rock. No path. No safe place for me to set my feet, no clear guidance. No water.

My story starts with me as a child. Let me preface this with— this is not in anyway a “bash” attempt. Things happened that were out of my control— like everyone has had happen to some degree. For me, mine were devastating. Through them God made me a strong person, deep rooted in Him. He has proven Himself to me over and over, so many times.

He is trustworthy.

He is Worthy to take the reigns of my life and be in control.

As a child, I don’t remember much. There are so many “holes” in my memory.

My dad struggled with mental illness, sometimes mis-diagnosed or misunderstood as he was a guinea pig of the VA. Had they understood more and accurately diagnosed him, maybe things wouldn’t have been as bad as they were.

Parts of my childhood are like memories of terrifying nightmares. Not all of it. We had fun family times, with lots of laughing and fun family vacation times.

Over the years I have gotten to where the nightmare things are being forgotten. I find myself wanting to cling to the good things.

I’m not going to get into the ptsd-invoking events, except to say I was in an abusive environment. My dad was a bit of a Jekyll-Hyde type— either angry/enraged, or joking and fun. He had bouts of depression, in there as well.

I never felt that security of stability with him. I was terrified of making him angry, or being spanked by him. I never felt loving type of discipline from him— he beat me.

At some point the sexual abuse started, but I can’t remember much about when. There are things he told me, and things he never told me. The most recent time he addressed it, about 15 years ago, he told not me, but everyone else in a mental hospital community room. Things I did not know. My husband heard it.

I was beyond devastated. Embarrassed and humiliated.

My mom tried to say what he said probably wasn’t true— but no way either of us could know for sure. That feeling of not even knowing what happened to me, or for how many years, is crushing. My dad saying those things about me— proudly— to strangers and my husband isn’t something she could even begin to understand.

That night I went back to my parent’s house and at the prompting of The Holy Spirit, I wrote my dad a letter, telling him that I forgave him.

When I think back, age 10 is where most of the memories start.

That’s when the eating disorder began.

We started spending summers living with my mom’s parents. My grandma poured her love into everything meal or dessert she made.

I needed love.

I ate so much “love”, I gained a bunch of weight the summer before. My dad made fun of me. We already had a dysfunctional relationship— making fun of me was salt in my deep emotional and mental wounds.

He was so vocal about women.

So, determined to not be made fun of or noticed, really, food became a type of poison, and my RN grandma had a poster on her bathroom door for what to do if I ate something poisonous— throw it up.

It started out once or twice a day. Then turned into food avoidance.

Over the next 10 years it developed into all-consuming rituals, every meal, every time I ate.

I am not going to regress back into describing in detail those rituals.

God has delivered me from those rituals, and from that “poisoned” mentality.

After a couple of years, it developed into more of a Bulimia, as God brought someone into my life that helped encourage me to eat.

By the time I turned 20, I was purging so much I started throwing up significant amounts of blood.

One particularly bad time, I called the ER and told the nurse I threw up blood. In the discussion, I mentioned making myself do that, and she said to me, “ Stop doing that!”

Let me tell you— that was so powerful!

In all those years, I never considered I could just choose to stop.

So, I stopped.

I never did it again.

In that time-frame, I was assaulted. Then I married someone who abused me, neglected me then raped me in my sleep.

And so, while the purging and rituals had stopped, my binging habits had not. Reaction to trauma made that all worse.

I gained weight.

Most would view that as bad. But here’s where I believe God’s deliverance began—

Fat did not kill me!

It was not the worst thing that could happen to me.

In fact, I began to find a comfort in men not paying attention to me.

My husband didn’t like that I gained weight. He was mean. He made humiliating jokes about me to our families. He did things that threatened my life. Then, he divorced me.

Devastated as I was— God saved my life, and then my soul through that divorce.

I turned to God.

I had missteps. My mind was still very much in the world, I didn’t understand God’s ways being different, or transforming.

Eventually I walked away from everything and every person I knew. After seeking God for His direction for my life, for weeks, I became convinced He was making a way for me by joining the military.

I enlisted, I traded my first military assignment to move overseas.

I completely left everything, and put my trust in God.

That was 28 years ago.

He provided me with a new husband. He promised and provided me with a beautiful daughter. He gave me 3 sons.

I never returned to the rituals of eating disorders.

I did however become a food and sugar addict.

God is in the process of both delivering and healing me from this, while raising me up to help others walk in His freedom.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt hope or excitement.

I have all hope, and I am so excited for the future path God is continuously carving out for me now.

My feet are on The Rock.

http://www.public-domain-image.com (public domain image)
Walking With God

Change— What’s In My “Pocket” Of Life

jem

If you could see my spirit, it might very well look a lot like this.

I think mostly scars now, not so many cracks.

So many scars are evidence of where God has healed me throughout my lifetime. Wounds that used to fester have been healed by His Word, His kept promises, His love.

My view has been changing over my life. I used to wish for things during the painful times. I couldn’t see any sort of horizon, or even light at the end of a tunnel. I was crushed down, my spirit and mind beaten down with words of hatefulness and destruction.

My mirror was the opinions, the words, the treatment of those I loved and trusted.

That taught me I should hate myself. I was less than nothing.

Less than nothing.

All throughout my life, God has whispered into my spirit that He loves me.

That became my strength, my grounding.

God created me. He loves me!

He helped me find my pathway forward, walking with Him.

He has never left me, never forsaken me, never turned His back on me.

No matter how much I thought, or actually may have, deserved it.

One careful step at a time. Each step slowly gaining confidence— not in myself, but that I can fully trust Him.

No person on this earth can compare to what God has done.

He provides through people, more now than ever in my past.

But He provides. He is my source.

Looking at the picture above, it’s easy to think I’m weak and about to fall apart.

Those scars where God has healed me— those strengthen the cracks.

I have physical scars, some have faded, some have not.

In my weakness, often caused at the hands/mouths/actions of those I’ve loved and trusted, Jesus has become my strength.

Each time He begins leading me down a new narrow path, I start out cautiously, and then my confidence in Him grows stronger as I continue on the path with Him.

God used this song so many years ago, the words wrapped so perfectly around my life and my heart. He used this to breathe life into me where fear would try to suffocate me.

Even when I feel alone, or I actually am physically alone dealing with awful things— I know I am never alone. He never lacks understanding, compassion, gentleness, patience— never.

He is all I need! He chooses where He provides through, He picks the people in my life, He has never let me down.

Because I understand His ways are higher and better than any other way— I can always be at peace in my heart. I can demonstrate compassion, even when my humanness tries to get in the way. I can demonstrate patience, because I understand just how freeing that is as He has continuously covered me with His patience.

I can stand strong in Him, even when the world only sees my weaknesses and failings.

I am walking a newer path with him. I have demons to face down, and fear that will again try to suffocate me. But He is my Rock. He is my Confidante— sometimes my only confidante.

Things are looking up as I continue to look up.

Walking With God

My Year Evaluation

jem

Happy New Year— 2022!!!

This past year has been a year of lots of t-words for me— transcendence, transition, transformation, timing, and now here is my testimony.

There were so many difficulties last year, and I had moments of overwhelming stress.

There are things I and others have been seeking God for, on my behalf, for more than a decade!

Things in my own personal world seemed upside down, far from where I believe God wants them to be.

My oldest son moved far away, I don’t think I have even fully processed that yet.

Then all of a sudden God provided the exact help I needed when I had nearly given up hope.

The heaviest burdens, after a time of working through them, were fully lifted off of me!!

I had seriously all but given up that God would ever help me with what felt like a crushing weight on my mind, my heart, my body and my strength.

I am now in the middle of a transformation that I do believe happened transcendentally, in God’s perfect transitional timing.

It is not completed— yet.

Stages are complete.

Step by step, in increments some may not even recognize as “progress”— I am continuously moving forward.

I am never, ever going back.

Never.

My mind is made up.

My heart knows what it wants.

God’s Spirit is leading me.

I have packed up my baggage and donated or thrown it out.

I am embracing the newness God has flung the door open wide to.

There is no walking back— there is only moving ahead— sometimes at my own pace, sometimes with a gentle nudge from God that encourages me out of my comfort zone.

I thank God. Without Him, I’d still be where I was this time last year— or worse.

Walking With God

Confidence in Christ

jem

In America, our culture is saturated in self-confidence. It’s embedded in every aspect of our society, to have faith in our own abilities, to live with a measure of success because of some wisdom, knowledge or ability we possess.

I have slowly begun to realize that this whole doctrine for American life is contrary to God’s Word.

We are instructed in Scripture to be in the world, and yet not of the world.

What a balancing act that becomes! There are so many human obstacles to trip us up as we learn how to walk God’s narrow-ing path.

The closer we follow after Jesus, the more narrow our walkway in this life becomes.

With God’s Spirit as our Guide and God’s Word as our compass, we can constantly learn new ways— His ways.

The “don’ts” become more clearly recognized as some of the wisest bits of protected information we should be clinging to as we work out our salvation with fear and trembling.

This is where I’ve been learning in recent years that confidence in myself gets in the way.

When I trust in my own abilities, I stop relying on God.

When I lean on, or into, my own understanding, I stop leaning on God.

When I seek inside of myself for answers, I stop trusting God for answers.

It cannot be both ways.

Recently my self confidence has been deeply shaken. It’s not a new thing for me to go through stuff that I can only talk with God about. He’s the Only One Who knows me from the inside out. He knows where I have come from, and the direction He wants me to go in.

He doesn’t force me to go any specific direction, I have freedom to decide.

The thing is, I’ve learned that when I don’t seek Him for the direction He would prefer I go in— wow do I end up in some crazy places or circumstances!!

Even when we are following Jesus, we can make missteps. It’s when we lean on our own abilities, wisdom, knowledge or understanding that we fall. When we misstep while leaning on Jesus as completely as we can, we don’t fall.

My walk with God throughout my life has been my lifeline.

Where people have failed me— and they always do— Jesus never fails. God’s love for me never fails.

My path has been uncluttered with human interaction at various times throughout my history. That used to make me feel lonely and unsure.

Now I can look back as see how God has always filled those gaps.

In the last 2 years my personal confidence has been going through a type of threshing. This may seem horrific, but it’s actually become comforting to know that God has been deeply at work separating that chaff from the wheat of everything I have known.

He has been refining my faith and my confidence in Him in every way.

My confidence does not lie in what the world teaches me. It does not rest in people. It does not reside within me, is not something I can ever possess.

My confidence thrives in Jesus, the perfecter of my faith.

My purpose here on earth is to learn about His ways, to empty myself so I can be the vessel He pours out into the world at His will, in His way— not mine.

🎶”In Christ alone, I place my trust…”🎶 In Christ Alone

I have full confidence in Him. In my weakness, He is strong within me. Where others see the outward and what they would opine as laziness or failures, God is patient with me. He allows me to take my time, He never rushes me or pushes me into accomplishing anything. He works through this unattractive, plain vessel humanity disregards. His expectations never weigh me down, I am not a disappointment to Him. He doesn’t place value on the things this world does.

I think Mary understood this as she sat with Jesus while He was with her, even with the pressure of Martha trying to pull her away to do what the world expected of her.

The world will always be pulling, tugging, expecting…

Thankfully when I turn my eyes toward Jesus, all that’s in this world fades away, and I can be in it while not being of it.

Walking With God

The Difference

jem

There was a time when fear ruled my heart.

Long ago, I worried about the reactions and opinions of the people in my world. If I stumbled, they were right there to let me know, to make it clear their disapproval and disappointment were always in front of my sight, as motivation to be more cautious to not stumble in front of them again.

As a result, I allowed fear of failing to be the guide I followed after, oh so closely.

That fear compelled me to try to look and act— to be— as perfect as possible.

Perfection is a cruel master. Enslaved by this idea that anything less than perfection was reject-able, I exhausted myself, working to live up to what in reality is really just a set-up-to-fail mirage.

Perfection is unattainable. It’s unsustainable.

And yet— I wanted the positive attentions it promised to provide.

The times when I felt maybe I was close to achieving that sought-after reward, the let-down was tremendously impactful.

Loneliness, emptiness, exhaustive self-focus and introspection made me so weary.

Whatever I accomplished was just never enough.

Whether real or imagined, the opinions that seemed to come from others haunted my continuously futile efforts.

I let my thoughts beat me down.

Looking back on the miserable life I gained from living under that pointless cycle, I can see the difference.

Being set free from that enslavement of exhaustive pursuits for an elusive, ever-changing standard has given my heart a lightness that I can feel this amazing relief, in comparison to my life before.

As I was set free from that heavy, ugly yoke of pleasing others, I felt a new freedom to stumble without fear of being beaten down. Years later, looking back, I can see how I was crushed under the weight of that entrapment.

My new Master lavishes me with grace and blessings,. He lifts my head, rather than casting me out, encumbered with shame and self-loathing.

He helps me to my feet, does not leave me to be mauled by my heartbreak and thoughts of inadequacy or failure.

So many wonderful, positive things encompass this freedom to just seek after Him. Seeking after Him removed my focus from both the world around me and my own short falls.

The world is a cruel taskmaster.

Jesus is freedom, peace of mind and heart, and an unspeakable beauty that comes from within, where His Spirit resides.

As Christians there is no greater achievement than full surrender to the possession of God’s Spirit within us.

I have not achieved that yet. I fall short too many times a day to even count. I stumble often and it’s actually ok. My soul finds rest and peace, as I am encompassed now within the grace and mercy God pours into me.

The difference is grace.

The difference is Jesus.

Purpose of Church, Walking With God

Grace and Forgiveness— My Expectations of ALL Christians

jem

Have you ever dealt with a Christian who refuses to demonstrate Grace, refuses to extend forgiveness?

I have.

That sting is worse than the death of a loved one.

Jesus was so clear when He told the Disciples that if we don’t forgive others, Father God will not forgive us.

This is such a big deal for our Salvation.

Enormous.

Eternal Life altering.

I believe this is the main obstacle causing the need for us to walk in fear and trembling down our narrow road towards our Salvation.

The two defining trademarks of Christianity are Grace and Forgiveness.

Grace and Forgiveness are the refreshing water our spirits thirst for. They cut through the hardest of hearts like water cuts through and wears down the hardest, sharpest of rocks.

No other religion practices those two things. When practiced carefully, they create this amazing domino effect of all the other attributes of Christ becoming part of our spiritual growth to become more like Him.

For ALL have fallen short— God forgives everyone who becomes appreciative and accepting of His forgiveness through the death, resurrection, and then Ascendance of Jesus.

God Forgives.

God demonstrates Grace.

Who are we that we would refuse to do the same?

I will not remain where Grace and Forgiveness are not freely demonstrated towards me from anyone claiming to be Saved.

Why?

Because that is so toxic, that puts my own Salvation at risk. That affects my relationship with God— because in my anger I may fall into that same sin of unforgiveness.

I choose to walk in Grace.

I choose to walk in Forgiveness.

I know my true brothers and sisters by their own fruit of Grace and Forgiveness.

Not vindictiveness.

Not hardness of heart.

Not mean spiritedness.

Grace.

Forgiveness.

There is a sin that grieves the Holy Spirit.

I believe that sin is Unforgiveness.

It sure grieves my own spirit.

As much as someone has hurt me, and i have had many, many opportunities to practice forgiveness to unforgiving, ungracious Nonbelievers— but lack of Grace and Forgiveness from a Believer is what I willfully choose to walk away from.

When Grace and Forgiveness are extended to me in a Christlike manner, I will return. Until then— I have to protect my own Salvation with fear and trembling to keep myself from my own heart hardening in Unforgiveness.

Then that peace that passes by all earthly understanding of how peace is even possible, will flood my soul.

I pray that same peace will flood their soul, cut through hardness of heart, wash away jealousy and disappointment— and heal what I believe God wants to make beautiful.

🎵”I walk Salvation’s road, with fear and trembling Your way borne as my own As Christ is formed in me If ever I should lose my way If ever I deny Your grace Remind me of the price You paid Hallelujah I’ll live in remembrance…”🎵 Remembrance— Hillsong

Christian Thoughts, Walking With God

He’s With Me Through It All

jem

Imagine this is a picture of God’s hand— catching all of our tears (Psalm 56:8), Holding our hand (Isaiah 41:13), pouring His grace, His mercy out over us (1 Timothy 1:12-17)— within our reach, in His grasp (Acts 17:27).

Imagine His hand designing every part of us, every cell’s information center, every detail from the tiniest strands of Laminin to the color of our hair and eyes. (Jeremiah 18:6), (Isaiah 64:8) (Isaiah 66:2)

His hand— that shelters us (Ezra 8:21-23), heals us as He applies His perfect Heavenly healing balm upon our hearts (2 Chronicles 30:12), our eyes (Matthew 26:64), our wounds… (Revelation 1:17) (Exodus 15:26) (Psalm 107:20) (Jeremiah 30:17) (Jeremiah 17:14)

His hand places us (Ezekiel 37:1), directs us ( (139:10), supports us (Psalm 18:35), it beckons us towards Him (John 14:6) fulfilling His purpose for us (Psalm 138:8) (Jeremiah 29:11), warns us to stop what we are doing and turn back to Him. (Psalm 31:15) (1Chronicles 4:10) (Daniel 9:15)

It’s His hand that holds us (Isaiah 41:13-14) (Ecclesiastes 9:1) and keeps us safe (Isaiah 41:13) and keeps us from being snatched from Him. (John 10:28-29)

His hand gives us the opportunity to humble ourselves so in His timing He might exalt us. (1Peter 5:6-7)

It’s His hand that upholds us. (Isaiah 41:10) (Psalms 63:8)

His hand delivers us. (Psalm 138:7)

He has us inscribed on the palms of His hands! (Isaiah 49:16) Regardless of where you stand in the tattoo debate— think about this culture of tattoos, all the pretty (or not so pretty), creative designs humans come up with and want to display on their bodies— for all the world to see. God— Who created everything— has us inscribed on His hands!

All throughout Scripture we read about His hand executing justice on the behalf of very imperfect people. (Ezra 8:21-23)

And that’s just His hand(s)!

Along with His hand, is His attention. His focus. His love.

We have the attention of The Creator of every universe, every planet, every living being!

The imagination of our loving God is on full manifested display for us to witness, across the sky, and across our world!

The One Who’s thoughts are so much higher than we can ever reach or attain, has His thoughts on us, even shares them with us.

Being reminded of these things is humbling.

How is it possible to forget He’s holding me in the shadow of His hand? When I’m overwhelmed by the enormity of circumstances affecting, over-shadowing my life, there is something that is far greater in size and strength.

God’s hand.

He is with me through it all.

Even when I am aware of my unworthiness. Even when I think what I’ve said or done— or not done— makes me unqualified for His protective, loving hand.

All of us have experienced the same things, in differing degrees, the past year. Add to that individual, unique experiences— it’s overwhelming when our focus rests on that.

Much like those pictures with a hidden picture we can only see when we let go of focusing on what we recognize— God’s hand comes into focus when we stop looking at everything else.

God's Heart, Walking With God

I Remember Who I Was

jem

Have you ever watched someone restore a damaged painting? I find it fascinating, the level of dedication, determination and affection the one restoring it demonstrates. The knowledge of every painted stroke, the understanding of what and how— tedious work, for sure.

Have you ever heard a song that grabs your soul’s focus almost immediately?

This song, Thank You Jesus For The Blood , has done that to me, from the very first line.

“I was a wretch. I remember who I was. I was lost, I was blind, I was running out of time.”

I instantly remembered.

In the midst of everything I have going on in my life, everything I am struggling with, all I am endeavoring to push through and overcome, I was instantly transferred right back to that moment my soul heard Him call my name and tell me to turn and follow Him.

My life was the messiest of messes. I was being crushed against my rock-bottom.

He saw me. He reached into my soul, He called my name. My name. He knew my name.

He gently helped me to my feet. He patiently cleaned off all the smudges, He worked out all the mars in the clay of my foundation. He tended carefully, lovingly to the tears, the worn spots from the misuse, the abuse, of others who didn’t know how to properly care for me.

He looked into the depth of my soul, found all that is of value to my Creator. He applied the Blood to every detail.

He Saved me for Eternity, He rescued me with the redemptive relationship no one on earth deserves.

I haven’t deserved such Divine, Perfect attention.

He gave it to me freely, liberally— permanently.

I never have to go back. I have continuously walked forward. Sometimes I’ve crawled, and at times I have danced with Him.

My beautiful Savior.

It’s beyond just His love for me.

He sees me— all of me. He knows me better than anyone ever can.

Christian Thoughts

Paul Versus Hollywood

jem

I enjoy watching classics. In many ways, tv, movies— Hollywood really— played a role in “raising” me.

I learned more from seeing actors pretend in relationships than I did from my own day-to-day experiences. I assumed I was watching how people actually interacted in their own families.

I’ve learned since that I wasn’t. The reason those become so popular is they are “selling” ideas that deep inside people think they need.

It’s an illusion.

As I have been watching some older things, ranging from black and white classics to 90’s favorites, I noticed something— in older things, one main common thread was how men talked about and treated women. And women believed it was justified, normal, ok treatment!

There have been judgments made against the Bible, but what I read in Scripture does not verify them at all.

I’ll start with “In the beginning…”

God made women, from man’s rib, to help him suitably. The very first humbling of “manhood”— men need helpers that are suitable.

God provides our needs.

Too many husbands reject the suitable help of their wives.

Why? Well— first because of ego and pride. I mean— how many men will admit they need help? Scripture never says man asked God for someone to help him. God just saw it was necessary— and He took part of the man He created from the dust— and made another being suitable for help, companionship, love, conversation… All things men’s nature seem to reject.

Looking to things our culture tends to put on a pedestal— the “stars”— there is an obvious disdain, maybe even hatred, for wives. Wives are to be insulted, ignored, talked down to, brushed aside, be unfaithful to, etc. The way men talked about and treated the wives in the “classics” is now a disgusting thing for me to see.

It’s no small wonder women rebelled in various ways, and took over the culture, where male “bashing” became a defensive popular theme. Pretend-wives treating pretend-husbands like they are stupid, idiotic, lazy, untrustworthy— etc., etc., etc.

One thing that is never a Hollywood marital theme is— Mutual. Mutual respect, mutual love, mutual consideration…

I’m not sure I would say that’s a focused perspective in Scripture, but I think when Scripture is carefully studied and practiced, the result becomes a natural mutual practice.

Hollywood has taught husbands to hate their wives, to be abusive, intolerant and unfaithful. Whereas Scripture consistently teaches husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church— and what I sincerely believe to be the key— as husbands love their own bodies (flesh).

Hollywood has taught women first, that they aren’t valuable, capable, intelligent, and only outer appearance is worth valuing. Then, Hollywood in more recent years has taught wives to be disrespectful, unhelpful, even hateful to husbands. Scripture on the other hand has taught all women that our value lives in Christ, that God defines us, has created us with priceless value and beauty as we grow closer to God through Jesus. Scripture has taught wives to respect husbands — treat them with respect.

I believe Scripture has put the greater burden on husbands— because they are to love their wife— helpmate suitable— as Christ loves the Church. They are to mirror Jesus!

How did Jesus treat women Believers? Never objectified them! He was not rude, did not talk down to them, always listened carefully and considered what they had to say. He never treated them as though they were unimportant, or had nothing of value to contribute.

Husbands— who are you following the example of? Pretenders following someone else’s scripts, or Jesus and admonishment from Paul?

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Nasb

introspection, Reality Check, Walking With God

Puppet Strings— Opinions Of Others

jem

We all have some point where we worry about the opinion of someone else— to some degree.

The affects of that worry can be debilitating! How do we react to negative comments from those we value the opinion of?

Because of our documented-through-the-ages reactions to opinions— the enemy of our soul uses this to create stumbling blocks in our intended path. When I intentionally go in a specific direction, especially if it’s to bring honor to God, there is sometimes a stumbling block that causes me to trip, lose my balance, stub my toe, stumble, and sometimes, to fall.

Often we are so caught up in appearances, as well as our reactions of embarrassment, shock, and/or anger, we miss that this is a device and tactic employed by God’s enemy, the same enemy of humanity. We all know who that is. The serpent, and all the names attached throughout history to identify this evil entity.

What we don’t often understand is, we can be set free from the manipulation. We can cut the puppet strings. We don’t have to live in the tangled web of fear of opinions of others.

When something happens that causes fear to rise up— say this with me— “So What?” “Who Cares?” “Why Should I Let This Stop Me?” “God, Show Me The Truth.”

This is how we stand back up, brush the dust off of ourselves— those tiny, weightless particles of the opinions of others, with the chameleon affect of feeling heavy—brush that dust off, and start walking again. With purpose. With intention. Letting the fiery darts meant to burn us up and out, bounce off instead.

Because the only opinion that actually matters is God’s. In fact— His opinion is just that— fact. Truth. With no distortions. Since He fearfully and wonderfully formed us within our mothers, in secret, then we are His garden of fearfully, wonderfully made blooms.

This is why the enemy of our souls, the enemy of God, tries desperately to plant seeds of doubt, skepticism, fear, concern, worry, hatred— everything contrary to the fruit and nature of our loving Gardener, into the soil of our paths and the garden of our life. Because God tends to us and we bloom into beauty and life only He can create— empowered with His Spirit, nurtured and cleansed by the very, Holy blood of His one and only Son— Jesus. Our enemy wants to crowd that out, to infest us with doubts, skepticism and fear.

We are all His creation, made carefully, delicately, lovingly— by His hand, nurtured and protected by His hand, watered by His Spirit, cleansed by the blood of Jesus that sin can never corrupt. Ever. It is forever, eternally, so powerfully clean of sin— it actually washes sin away into nonexistence because of forgiveness and grace.

So— we can walk— puppet string free— from everything contrary to God’s Word. His Word is alive, His Word lives within us and has always dwelt amongst us. Always.

Isaiah 40:30-31 Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. NASB

This blog post was inspired by https://cheriewhite.blog/2020/10/16/a-letter-to-my-teenage-self-2/ parts 1,2 and 3.

Strong Woman, Walking With God

Cycle of Frustration

jem

The human ability to adapt to most situations and changes, is astounding. Even more-so is the ability to overcome— to beat, win, conquer overwhelming circumstances.

There are an infinite number of human-interest stories about people who beat the odds— and often God is credited for a person’s ability to do what our minds consider to be impossible.

I personally believe God should always be credited. God created every individual with the ability to focus with determination. God often allows us to be in situations where that is necessary. He put within every form of His creation the instinct to survive— to fight to live.

We see that all throughout nature. Butterflies struggle to be released from their chrysalis womb. It’s often been noted that if a human feels compassion and tries to help them get out, they can get damaged and even die. Human compassion most often lacks understanding of the necessary process for their survival.

Birds push their young from their nests to activate their instinct to fly.

Humans often feel the same sort of desire towards our offspring, but the difference lies in the dynamic of personal relationship between adult and young adult, as well as extenuating circumstances. Every situation is unique within the human relationship system. Background extending through generations, environments, financial situations, educational opportunities, personal experiences, directional purpose… an endless number of variables and belief systems.

The enemy to personal achievement is getting ourselves stuck in a perpetual cycle of frustration. Once we get into that, it can seem impossible to get out. Sometimes we stumble into that, sometimes we’re born into or placed into it, completely outside of our control. So, we adapt. We do what we believe becomes necessary for our survival.

Fight, or flight.

Sometimes the hard decision is to stand our ground and fight.

Sometimes we “feel” the need to fight, but we’re misdirecting our energy towards what looks very much like it should be our target focus. But, like trying to box against our own shadow, it ends up exhausting and depleting us of necessary energy, even robbing us of relationships.

Many marriages break apart in divorce because one or both individuals feel directed towards fighting against one another. Many marriages could be salvaged if only each person realized their spouse is not their enemy. Many marriages could become stronger, if instead all that energy being used in fighting each other could instead be directed towards fighting the invisible enemy breaking them apart.

The definition of invisible enemy is unique to every marriage (though I believe the exact same force is behind it)— but the result is often the same thing— trying to inflict as much pain through anger and disappointment as possible.

Marriages become blurred “friendly fire” zones, convincing spouses each other has become the enemy. Fight or flight is often activated. Instead of fighting to protect the union of two individual souls— nasty destructive anger becomes a sharpened arrow that penetrates the bone and marrow of the marriage.

It’s not only marriages where this happens. Families step into this quicksand-type trap. Brothers and sisters, parents and children, cousins against cousins. Family is messy. It’s a solid ground for forgiveness to be planted and nurtured. Unfortunately the personal nature instead often turns it into a battleground.

I’ve found myself stuck in an awful, exhausting cycle of frustration. There have been occasional outside distractions of conflict— especially lately. There has been the threat of my own marriage becoming a battleground of destructive distractions and fiery darts.

It’s not been easy to lay down my own types of weapons, and surrender everything to God to “please help.” I’m not the same person, deep within my core, that I used to be. My instinct used to be to fight against anything that threatened to hurt me, and not flee from it, but to turn my back and walk away.

God has changed me. He’s opened up my understanding that His way has not been my way. His way is forgiveness, surrendering the hard stuff to Him, and allowing Him to bring the healing.

His way is far better than my way.

At the beginning of my year, on my birthday, I felt God speak into my spirit that He will strengthen me this year. If anyone reading this knows the history of me at all, you could understand that I believed He meant with my physical health. Since the birth of our last child, I’ve dealt with a weakness in my legs, I believe came about because in a moment of personal weakness I chose to have an epidural. Since the birth of my first child, 21 years ago, I’ve fought an increasingly tough battle against other health issues that doctors haven’t found a solid, treatable cause for.

Imagine my surprise that instead of my physical health being strengthened, the very foundation of my life nearly crumbled apart. Many things I had believed turned out to be far different.

God is strengthening me in ways I was so clueless about. But first— I had to ask Him to be my strength, to help me walk because my path was all but gone. Life blinded me, I needed Him to be my sight. I’m still trying to adjust my sight to what feels at times like this blinding darkness— you know, like when you’re eyes are used to some kind of lighting, and then suddenly it all gets shut down— and there is only an absence of light.

My understanding has a new grasp of Jesus being the Light of the world. I now better understand what it feels like to need Jesus to be my Strength. He’s taken my arm and is guiding me through, safely. He is my Shield. God’s Spirit gives me a comfort no other source ever could.

Now I am enabled to walk in a forgiveness that comes from outside of myself. A complete, and all-encompassing forgiveness that spreads a healing balm in every direction that it walks.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

Not covers-up. Not pretending the offense hasn’t been real or caused damage.

Covers. With a healing balm.

Throughout my lifetime, so far, I’ve been given ample opportunities to forgive some very deep-seated wounds.

I have been sinned-against, many times, in personally physical and emotional ways. Others I care deeply about have been sinned-against, and it’s been in my “nature” to want to pick up their offense.

Again I get to practice walking in forgiveness that the world tells me I shouldn’t extend.

I don’t belong to the world any longer.

I belong to Jesus.

His ways are far above what the world would have me practice.

People fail me. I thank God that He continues to never fail me.

1Cor 13:12– “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.”

Walking With God

One-Anothering

jem

Scripture tells us, several times, to love one another. Forgive one another. Be gracious and kind to one another.

In this current American political climate, that seems to be farthest from anyone’s mind.

But, this blog isn’t about politics. It’s not about America.

It’s about our heart conditions.

Are we allowing an environment for our hearts to even want to one-another one another?

What does that look like?

Does Scripture give us any idea of how to accomplish this mountain of a task?

I think it does.

It seems like maybe the very first step is to set ourselves apart from whatever keeps us from one-anothering.

Then maybe the second step is to forgive-one another.

Maybe as we do these things, we are loving one-another. Just like Jesus told us to do.

I started writing this with a different direction and purpose in mind.

Seems like, just maybe, all fingers point back at me to do these things.

I try to. Sometimes I fail to.

Sometimes I fail to try to.

Sometimes, while I am struggling with my own stuff, God calls upon me to demonstrate to someone else what I am needing.

Often times, I don’t get what I’ve tried to be faithful and obedient to give.

And— sometimes ministering to someone else with a need, ends up ministering to myself.

God always provides.

Even when I feel a lack from others. Even when I don’t see who I can possibly turn to, to talk with or understand, or give me a helping hand.

God makes sure that I have exactly what I need, when I need it.

I want to feel pity for myself that in my toughest times I’ve been alone.

But— when The Creator takes such wonderful and loving care— how can I complain?

While I am trying to one-another someone else, He is one-anothering me.

Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Walking With God

In The Way

jem

I was often told I was “in the way” by people who’s opinion mattered deeply to me, for a significant portion of my life. I had no reason to not believe them. So, I did all I could to move out of the way, whether physically or otherwise.

I assumed everyone thought this about me. I have lived most of my life trying to not be in anyone’s way.

My foundational understanding of myself has been flawed by believing that I’m just always in the way.

I was once told by one of my pastor’s that I was in God’s way and I needed to move out of it. You have no idea how that affected how I saw God at that point.

I still don’t trust anyone to “pastor” me.

Over the years I’ve thought about this phrase, and with God’s help, I’ve begun to turn it around into a positive.

The Way is what Believers in the past have called their group. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. Jesus lives in me. I am in the way. But– I am not in the way, as being an obstacle.

The pastor who said that to me did not see me in my time alone with God, often prone before God, surrendering my life and my choices to Him.

That pastor was wrong.

In all those years before I accepted that he was wrong, I saw everything that I did or said as being in God’s way. I had no idea how to get out of God’s way, or what that even looked like.

I never felt like I could fit in anywhere, because no matter what I was blind to somehow being in the way.

I reacted by just removing myself. I can’t be in the way if I’m not there, right?

I was then told by that same pastor that I was in sin because I wasn’t at church everytime the doors were open– I was forsaking the gathering together of the saints…

How does one ever please someone who just sees what they think you are doing wrong?

God moved me out of that pastor’s way, relocating me to another area. But that criticism stuck.

How can I possibly ever get out of God’s way when He is everywhere?

Over the years, God has revealed that He does not see that about me. He has shown me that I have, in fact, been in His way. Going out of my way to obey His word, to demonstrate grace and forgiveness, to show compassion and love– I’m trying to do things in His way.

It’s amazing how much healing and reatoration can be released when God corrects wrong thinking.

Now I know– I am exactly where I need to be– in His way.

2 COR 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Christian Thoughts, Purpose of Church

Christian Music VS All Music

jem

There is this notion embedded in our society that Christian music isn’t really good unless it fits in perfectly with what is currently popular. If you can tell it’s Christian then it’s cheesy, it’s less valued than anything not Christian.

What??

I have given in to this in the past, believing I should be embarrassed by any music not accepted by the “in” crowds of the world.

I have pondered this for awhile now, and here is the conclusion I have come to–

Christian music isn’t supposed to sound like everything else.

Christian music has a different focus and purpose. It has a different origin, and if it is written correctly– a completely different target audience of One.

It should always be excellence strived for, but most importantly– it should be Jesus-focused.

That’s why it’s Christian.

If we are embarrassed about a song those who don’t accept Jesus make fun of– are we also embarrassed about Jesus? Are we afraid or ashamed of being His follower– a Christian?

Christian music is supposed to be different. It’s supposed to stand out. It has infused power that no other music can match. It reaches the senses of our Creator– it teaches truth, it can break bondages, and God releases His healing through it. He illuminates truth through it. The music is inspired by Him and directed at pleasing Him.

We aren’t meant to mimic what is “acceptable” and try to fit in– we need to stand out! Shouldn’t our music, as well? So what if someone makes fun of it? There is a deeper, hidden meaning from those who reject the wisdom often injected into the lyrics. The music is inspired from a different area of our hearts and minds– an area only Christians can tap into– experience with God.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. Romans 1:16 NASB

Walking With God

Heart Strings

jem

I love rainbows. Besides being beautiful, they fascinate me. The origin and history are intriguing.

Besides the colorful streams that invoke a feeling of warmth, to me they are one of the many wonders of our world.

Rainbows and I also have a history. My very first memory in our shared history is seeing one outside my bedroom window. Inside my room, inside of my heart, it was raining– tears of sadness. I don’t remember the cause, maybe I’ve blocked it, maybe I was too young. But I remember that rainbow. I remember crying because I didn’t think anyone loved me, or liked me. I remember, fairly vividly, seeing that rainbow and feeling the voice of God inside my heart tell me that He loves me.

I knew He had made a promise to mankind that He wouldn’t destroy all of mankind by flood again. I remember a kept promise being a deeply important thing to me.

That is my first memory of connecting with God. Through that rainbow, having known about that characteristic of God, He brought His Word to life and breathed life into my spiritual lungs. I was about 7 or 8.

When I was 8 I began to learn to play the violin. I don’t think I took learning it seriously until I was 9 or 10. I had a wonderful teacher who took the time to help me find a sincere love for playing it. That’s when I began to practice. I started practicing everyday during the news– I hated the boring news back then!

As I grew in my ability to play, I also grew in my affection for it. At times it became the extension of my inner secrets, those things I couldn’t give voice or words to, things I didn’t understand.

I struggled with learning certain techniques, and I began to practice hours at a time because I wanted to be the best I could be– I wanted to be 1st chair. You see– that violin sounded scratchy no matter how much I practiced. I had to work extra, extra hard to get the scratchiness to not be noticeable.

My parents were kind, they didn’t complain about what must have been awful sounds at times. They didn’t have much money, and that violin was a rent-to-own. It was what they could afford. They gave me something far more than just a musical instrument to learn. They gave me what I needed to succeed, to survive, to feel. I had a way to access a depth and passion I would not have otherwise.

Without that, I’m not sure I would be here today. My violin became my best friend. It was the tool that I could use to help bring healing into my soul. It was the tool that allowed confidence and accomplishment to be poured into my spirit.

As that rainbow I first recall observing became a vehicle for God to reach into those inward places only He has access to, so became my violin. So much so that when, during my first military duty assignment, my dorm room got so hot from the heater I could not adjust, the glue melted and my best friend literally fell apart.

It was as though I lost my right arm.

I think I was in shock that I didn’t have it anymore.

A few months later, after making payments with my meager A1C salary, I brought home a new violin.

Then my dad bought me a special one, that I sincerely believe God set aside just for me. Someday I’ll tell that story, I’ve gotten myself side-tracked.

As I continued to play, a new passion stirred up in my heart, a desire to serve God while playing, an intense need/want to help bring God closer to other people’s hearts. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming, it feels like my breath is taken away, hoping I can be His vessel to pour healing and life through.

Rainbows, to me, are a visual of how God reaches into our inner recesses through music, through His Word, through prayer– through His Spirit.

I’ve been meditating on the song Remembrance all morning, and as I’ve been writing this. There is so much in this simple, short song. The music is nice and it gets intense. The words are nice and they get intense. My memory gets intense as I internalize, absorb, soak in every note and word– saturating my soul. Communion is deeply personal for me, the words remind me to not just take it but to remember Him as Christ is formed in me– continuously, as I take Communion and live my life for Him. He has been so, so good to me– oh the things He has delivered me from, and protected me from. No matter how bad things ever got– they could have been so much worse.

The rainbow seems like an illusion, but science has proven it’s absolutely real. Just like God in our lives. To others He appears to be an illusion to us, but through our personal experiences with Him interacting with us, we know beyond any shadow of any doubt that He is more real than any problem we face. In fact– the problem becomes the illusion and dissipates completely as He takes it and deals with it in His timing and His way.

Yes– He has been so so Good to me. Unworthy as I am, as I have always been– He has not withheld His goodness from me– I would have. He has provided me with all I need, He gave me a husband who reminds me of Him in how he treats me and loves me. I don’t know what He sees in me, but I am Eternally grateful that He does.

I owe Him everything. I have nothing of worth to pay Him back, He has accepted my life. My life.

My life.

Some days I do need Him to remind me that He’s not finished yet. I don’t understand why he has not given up on me at times.

I would give up on me.

My life is no longer my own, it belongs to Jesus.

Limited as it is, He still finds ways to use it as a catalyst for His healing Spirit.

“Until I see You face to face, Until at last I’ve won my race– remind me You’re not finished yet. Hallelujah…”

Here’s another link to the song– Remembrance– Hillsong Worship

Walking With God

Worship– What Exactly Is It?

jem

We’ve all been there:

Cue music:

Oh, I love this song! I wonder if my hair looks ok? Did I brush my teeth? Oooh, my voice sounds so good today, I’ll sing louder!

How much thought do we give to God, really? Everytime? Do we pay attention to the words we sing?

Are we really worshiping God through music and singing?

As a worshiper, these are things that have been stirring up contemplation in my own heart lately.

The Bible tells us to worship Him in spirit and in truth. It tells us to exhort one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs and sing to God with gratitude.

I looked at 71 Bible verses about worship, and out of all of those verses about 10 mention singing.

Not one mentions music.

Am I saying worshiping God with music is bad? Absolutely not– I believe it is genius!

But, what I am saying is– worship and praise are not music. They can be done with music, with singing, but music is not the definition.

I wonder how God sees what we do in our churches we call His house? Does it really honor Him? Does He approve? Does He even like it?

Or, does He see that really, we are doing it for ourselves, at least, sometimes, and only think it satisfies God?

Or, maybe we are missing that whole worhip Him in spirit and in truth, completely.

How do we worship God in spirit and in truth? What would that look like to God? Do we even try to worship Him outside of the music sets and practice times?

What does worship mean?

What does praise mean?

I do believe we all come to a point in our walk with Jesus where these questions burn into our spirit. We think we know, but–

Do we really?

May God grant us understanding, a willingness to learn, along with eyes and ears to hear and see what we might not already, clearly.

Don’t stop the music and singing. Let’s just do a heart and understanding check to see if we are missing something.

introspection, Walking With God

Tapestry

jem

One strand

One life

Interwoven

With other lives

Intersecting with strangers

New strands

Intervening

Interceding

To the eye it looks random

Like a bunch of tangled, messy strings

Being brought to order

Composing a theme

One step at a time

One stitch purposely sewn

A picture emerges

The goal’s being shown

As it progresses

The outcome’s unknown

Images are messy

Haphazard, disjointed– monotone

The longer the strand is

Woven in and out

The motivation’s

Revealed throughout

At times it looks abstract

Like Van Goph tried…

But if I look closely

If I squint my eyes…

Is it Jesus in the center?

Or me that I see?

I hope to weave Jesus

Into people I meet

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:18-19 (NIV)

Christian Thoughts, Walking With God

Being Mary In A Martha World

jem

I’m a worshiper. Most often, when I am able and there is a place and opportunity for me, I join the Worship or Praise team of a local church or chapel. We’ve moved quite a bit, or we’ve moved on when we find a church no longer is a good fit for us and our family needs. Right now my husband is stepping in to cover for Worship leaders and pianists that are taking a summer break with travel. Our current chapel service that we feel most fits us doesn’t have need for our usual talents and skills very often, so we both find ourselves in a kind of new situation.

As a home educating mom, in the past I have hit the “your kids use the nursery or classrooms, so you need to volunteer” in a head-on collision quite a few times. Many times I’ve responded by not using those things at all and teaching my children how to behave and participate in the praise and worship while I play my violin or sing.

The problem came in when someone got upset because I was playing violin and not rocking babies. This hasn’t been an issue for me in quite sometime– mostly because my kids aren’t nursery babies any longer, but I find I still have a tough time dealing with attitudes about me not serving the way someone else thinks I need to step up and do.

First of all– I am not 25. I have the energy of someone 20 years older than I actually am, and I live with limiting circumstances in a community that often just doesn’t “get” that. It takes everything I have to play my violin in Worship, some days.

Here’s a conversation I can imagine having:

Me— I’m here.

Church— what do you have of value that you can give to me?

Me— I have nothing of value in me right now, I’ve given all of myself to worshiping God.

Church— I’ll talk to you when you have something to give me that is worthy of my time.

I’ve had work supervisors that would get on me about not standing around, always looking busy. I’ve attended churches that treated me the same. If I “stand around” and don’t exhaust myself volunteering for every opportunity to serve, my value drops.

Can the Church please stop acting like the world?

Programs and outreaches are nice and often helpful. But sometimes they aren’t the necessary things they are presented as being. Church members are often exhausted, which causes dysfunction. Or maybe, a shifting of focus could help assuage those that do need ministry focus inside of the church body.

Many times programs, outreaches and ministries are started and run with good intentions but not necessarily at the leading of the Holy Spirit.

People in the Church have needs not being met. We are often encouraged and prompted to “give of ourselves”, but we need to be given to, we need healing, healthy relationships– we need kindness shown to us all just because and not because of something.

God made us to need one another.

This isn’t the big issue it’s been for me in the past. I’ve learned my own limits to avoid unnecessary exhaustion, as well as how to say no.

I want to be about the Father’s business. I want to worship at His feet, to rest in His Presence, to be a drawing force for others to enter into His healing, comforting Presence.

I am a Mary in a Martha world.

Walking With God, What life has taught me

One Size Fits… Um No

jem

I confess– I have a tendency to be a serial unasked-for advice giver. I can’t help it. I know others can glean from my experience-gained wisdom. Right?

Except that’s never how it’s taken.

If I’m honest, it’s also not how I take it from others, either, even though I try to be polite and respectful.

The old cliche’ about judging a book by its cover fits here well. How often do we hear or read something someone says and opine that we know the solution to their problem? After all– it worked for us, so it will work 1000000% for all– right?

Well, no. It won’t.

Nothing about me or my life is ever a one-size-fits-all fit.

Even Scripture is not a one-size-fits-all life application. I mean– it is– but it applies in endless ways. Some Scripture is the same for everyone. Like John 3:16-17. And most Scripture will help us achieve the same outcome as others, but it applies individually and uniquely over every life it touches.

Because it’s the Living Word of God.

It’s not a one-size-fits-most bandaid or covering. It’s the healing/repair balm uniquely designed to fit our specific needs.

God’s Word is not reactionary to us, it’s designed for us to respond to it.

Unlike our random acts of unasked-for advice-giving.

I have so much more to learn about letting God love others through me.

His ways are so much better than mine.

God's Heart, Walking With God

Simple Gospel

jem


John 3:17– “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”
And yet–

We constantly see judgement coming from those of us who claim we belong to Him.

We have redefined judgement as love, giving ourselves excuses to do exactly what God did not send Jesus into the earth to do.

God alone is judge. We are not equal to Him, we serve Him. If He made it clear in His preserved Word for us that He didn’t send His Son here to judge the world– why do we believe that’s what He’s calling us to do? 

God has bound Himself to His Word. His Word tells us to love one another.

Love does not include our well-meaning criticism. It does not look like what we define it to be, at all.

Love endures all things.

Love looks past what we opine as being flaws.

Love encourages.

Love is gentle.

Love is kind.

Love leaves evidence of Grace everywhere it touches.

Love gives.

Love forgives.

Love is impossible without God. 

I believe we can often be so focused on the speck in someone’s eye, we miss the log in our own.

Though we are individuals in Christ, God is unchanging. Just as He is bound to His Word, we are also bound to His Word– Jesus is the Word, and we have been given the written Word to help keep us grounded in Him firmly. There is a danger when we stop measuring everything against what is found in Scripture.

God has chosen love as the vehicle to give us Hope, He has chosen Jesus, His nonjudgemental Son, as the Savior of the world.

He has called us to be wise as serpents, yet gentle as doves, as we wear the sandals of peace to spread the Good News.

He has called us to fast for Him to remove unbelief. 

He has told us through His Word that the battle belongs to Him, that vengeance belongs to Him. We must be so careful to make sure our actions and words are lined-up accurately with His written Word.

He speaks to His people, today. But He never strays from His written Word.

Who are we listening to? 

The more complicated we make things, the more exhausted we become. 

The Gospel message is simple. Always.

Luke 2:11″For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes upon Him shall have everlasting life.”

An Honest Perspective, Walking With God

Just Stop–

jem

72084302455

Daily busyness mutes His voice.

So many things clutter our lives, clutter our hearts– clutter our churches. So many good things. So many good intentions. So many ideas to please God, programs to help people, traditions we’ve convinced ourselves we need.

Abel understood the very heart of God. It was more than just hearing and obeying God. It was more than the best of what he could come up with, within himself. Cain gave of his best efforts, his strength, his creativity, but it wasn’t the same as Abel. Not because it wasn’t the exact same offering. Cain did what was required, and he lacked the understanding or caring of why.

Mary sat with Jesus. She was bold and brave, in a culture when women did not sit with men, she sat with Him. She listened intently with her heart. She understood and openly sought the heart of God– despite what anyone else would say or think. We might, in our culture and time, think Mary was being lazy and trying to get out of work. She sought Jesus while He might be found. Martha was steeped in her culture and the burden of what had to be done. She prepared the meal, and she openly complained to Mary about her not helping. Martha did what was required of her in her culture’s role for her. She lacked understanding of why Mary did not. Maybe Martha had a bitter root planted in jealousy, as well as offense that it looked bad. There was Mary– sitting down with the men– listening and being taught, but not pulling her own weight in the work of serving.

For many of us, we try to do the minimum requirement when tasked. We have a mental checklist, and at the end of that checklist is what we would rather be doing– if we’re honest. Our heart’s are not in it. Like Martha, we look at someone else not doing what we think they should be doing, and we get jealous. We complain. We give in to frustration and allow bitterness to plant a root.

Cain had a jealous and bitter root, which produced the murder of his own brother. Like his parents with God, he tried to hide it.

What does God require of us? Is it perfection? Maybe exhaustion? The best programs? The most outward sacrifice? Praying the most profound prayers? Knowing the most and best Scriptures?

There is a plan layed-out through Scripture that highlights what He requires.

Come as you are.

Trust in the Lord your God.

Fear not.

Rest in Him.

Beloved– He requires us. Everything that we are.

He inhabits the praise of His people– not our works or sacrifice.

Take a deep breath… just stop– worship Him, meditate on Who He is, thank Him for all He has given, all that He is, and that He will do and has done.

When He Walks Into The Room   https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r50EGH7x2nw&feature=youtu.be

The works will happen as we regain our focus. Not our works– His work through us. We will be more in tune with Him, He will lead us to be about His business– not our busyness.

When was the last time our heart started to burn for His Will, or the darkness trembled at the Light of God breaking through our lives?

That’s when the miracles will happen. When His Spirit will pour out on all flesh, sickness will be healed, mountains will be moved.

But first, we need to stop and get reaquainted with Him and remember our first Love.

American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God

Me, Myself And My Husband– One Flesh

jem

My husband doesn’t do things the way that I do. He doesn’t say things the way I say them. He doesn’t look at things the way I see them.

He doesn’t have the same Political views that I have…

When we married, we were taught through God’s Word that his body is my body, and my body is his body. In some ways that has become a kind of joke for us throughout the years.

“Honey, we have some things to do.” “Do I have to?” “Well, since your body is my body– yes.” Or, the silliness of doing something impossible– like using the restroom, lol.

Since my body is my husband’s, and vice-versa, does that mean his mind is also mine and mine is his?

Could you imagine if this were the case? If I had the ability to get him to think like me, and if I thought as he does, misunderstandings would become nonexistent!

But, the mind is such a complicated thing. The closest we could get to that is doing our best to consistently work at clear communication. Practicing listening. Sharing openly. Discussing differences.

Body ownership has been defined for us in Scripture– we become one-flesh, two halves of a whole. But our minds? As Christians, they should belong to the Lord. They have the unique ability to multi-task. While doing one thing like talking with people, we can pray, remember Scripture, Praise and Worship God at the same time.

The Bible exhorts us to pray without ceasing, because we can. We are able to do that. It takes practice, reminders, and at first a lot of attention and time. But then it becomes a habit. It happens naturally.

Our minds were made to interact with our Creator continuously.

That’s why there is so much competition for it with the world, people, even within ourselves.

We have a choice in who or what we give our minds to.

Everyday I want to choose God. Many times I fail somewhat, some days completely.

Every day is a new chance.

An Honest Perspective, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Fighting An Invisible Enemy

jem

girl-blowing-glitter

 

I have an invisible enemy. I’ve fought against it for as long as I can remember. This enemy does not fight fair. It hides in the shadows. I have exhausted myself many times throughout my lifetime trying to fight back, but it dodges every retaliatory jab.

My enemy catches me off-guard, though less often now. It strikes with the intention of crippling my efforts. It dismantles my credibility. Mocks my accomplishments, experience and concerns, rendering them invaluable– useless. It attempts to define me as “too emotional”, “uneducated”, “ridiculous” or “ignorant”. It laughs at me, or rolls its eyes with a sarcastic dismissal of my importance.

It steals my confidence– tries to steal my joy.

I’ve learned to stand back and just observe how this enemy attacks and come to recognize that part of its victory over me has been through the use of decoys. It’s as though I am blindfolded, and I think I know its location through a sound or a movement. But, when I attempt to retaliate, I punch through thin air, exhausting– even injuring– myself in the process.

It’s impossible to fight this enemy.

In an effort of self-protection, I surround myself with people who have proven their trustworthiness to me over time. People who value me and don’t laugh at my creativity, experience, or blow off my concerns. Sometimes those people disappoint me.

I have begun to realize, the best way to defeat this enemy is to guard myself during its assailment and then assess the damage.

The damage hardest to overcome or heal from is the friendly fire. I know my visible enemies will not care about or recognize the truth over their opinion of me, so their words no longer hurt me. But, those closest to me– their opinion becomes the fiery darts my enemy uses to go straight to my heart.

When I remember to hide in the shadow of God’s wings, the damage is minimal, often non-existent.  Psalm 63:7 reminds me: “For You have been my help, And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy”. Hosea 14:7 encourages me that:  “Those who live in his shadow Will again raise grain, And they will blossom like the vine. His renown will be like the wine of Lebanon”.

Then I know, the only thing that ever matters is God. He sees all, knows all, and He’s with me every step of the way, guiding me with the light of His Word, working through me regardless of how useless or unimportant any person believes me to be.

God is my strength, and He helps me defeat the intentions of my invisible enemy, by praying and believing God’s Word– His promises. Every time.

Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, The Past, Walking With God, What life has taught me

The Spiritual Damage Of Anorexia

jem

I’m a former anorexic and bulimic, reformed through Christ. This post has been a long time coming.

To look at me now you can’t tell I was near death at one point from practicing anorexia.

The Spiritual consequence is what I want to get into with this post. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything about that before.

Fasting is an important part of our growing relationship with God. When we fast unto God, we deny our flesh to set aside our physical wants and needs temporarily to focus on seeking God. We fast to repent, seek God, grow in our faith and understanding, and to actively put Him completely first. The focus is God, not our body, not the avoidance of food.

Anorexia is a tool the devil uses to corrupt that. Fasting not only becomes an obsessive practice of focus on ourselves. Opportunities open for the demonic to gain footholds in our lives, choices, beliefs, vision, perspective and practices. The devil sells us the idea we can obtain perfection.

When Jesus is our Lord and Savior, God sees us as perfect because Christ is in us.

Through the practice of Anorexia, the devil causes deformity within our spirits and our understanding. The devil clouds our vision, and converts our perception to a distorted view and belief system– the belief that our body is the enemy we need to fight against.

The Bible is clear that our battle is not against flesh and blood. We are transformed through the renewing of our minds, new creations through Christ Jesus.

Striving for perfection, we work hard for acceptance and approval of the world. But like a small kid in a game of Keep Away, or Monkey In The Middle, we never lay hold of it. The constant effort steals focus, energy, confidence– reality. The bar gets raised higher. It’s always just… out of…

Reach

God accepts and approves of us because of Jesus. We don’t have to prove our worth to Him because Jesus showed us how much He values us by dying on the cross, and rising up again. We are wanted, welcomed by God.

Jesus made it possible to have acceptance from our Creator. We can have a relationship with Perfection Himself, and He is working to make us the best version of ourselves– for His glory.

We have a choice: We can work really hard for a distorted version of perfection that’s never within reach. Or we can rest in God’s approval and meet Him in the changes He makes as He perfects us His way.

I have experienced both. I prefer God’s way.

The Past, Walking With God

Scars– Survivor’s Thick Skin

jem

I have scars.

Some are easily seen. Like the one on my hand where I got stitches from grabbing a knife out of a distressed friend’s hand. He was threatening self-harm.

Tonka The Mountain Lion

Some are hidden. I have scars in my scalp from an attack by a playful young mountain lion my aunt kept and adopted from a hunting trip. When my fingers locate the indented bite marks my hair now hides, it seems as though the scars remember the trauma– the pain. All that blood… I can still almost taste the metallic flavor as it as  gushed out of the fresh wounds, covering my face. The rush of fear– I had no idea how to get away from Tonka cougar’s implanted teeth in my scalp. The tears. The shock as my aunt just stood there, watching, with what I remember as being a curious and possibly slightly amused look on her face. Her husband grabbed a towel and somehow got my head out of Tonka’s clenched jaw. I don’t remember being separated from my new “friend’s” grasp. I vaguely remember being in the ER, having my head bandaged. The rest is hidden in my memory, deep beneath those still sensitive-to-touch scars.

There is a Proverb that says– “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6) I’m not sure I can apply this one to what happened with Tonka.

Then there are inner scars that no one person see. The ones that form over our emotions. The ones that guard our hearts. They cover our memories, stretching over wounds as a protective layer. They remind us to avoid people and situations that cause us pain. They encourage research into preventative measures. They might even be what makes us want to build up protective walls– to keep similar pain out.

Maybe they are the walls…

I have hidden scars. From an abusive childhood. From people who called themselves my friends, but never really followed through. From a devastating first marriage.

I have other scars I call regrets. Wow did I do stupid things! I had no self worth. I was beat down by the words of my dad on a regular basis, convinced what he said about me was how everyone saw me. Worthless. Good for nothing. In the way. Why was I even born?

I am thankful that God swooped down and rescued me the times I almost gave in and gave up.

He was my Comforter. He was my  Rescuer. My Protector. In later years He also became my Shield.

He brought people, one at a time, into my life. He worked through them to help me. He helped me find the path to trust and healing.

My list of traumatic life experiences is longer than many people’s. I hate that so much! Not because I would ever want anyone to experience more. Because each situation where the scars have sealed-off painful memories, is horrible.

I have fought a tremendous uphill battle just to be normal. I fought to have a healthy mind. I’m fighting to have a healthy body.

I have hated my life for most of my existence. Except where God made the changes that delivered me from being bitter, hate-filled and angry. I love that He has healed and transformed me to the me I am now. Believe me– I was beyond  repair. Consumed by anger for my dad. Filled with hatred for my neglectful, abusive, rapist-coward of an ex-husband.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is real. I look at who I was before I allowed Him to walk with me, and I feel a sense of shock that He didn’t just have me removed from the face of the earth.

He healed me. He revealed a deeper love for me than anyone had ever shown to me.

All I ever really wanted was to be loved, to be welcomed– to be wanted.

God has given that to me.

The scars remind me.

One of my scars is sadness. You can’t walk through all I have and not still be affected in some ways by it all. God healing me does not erase those circumstances or all of the emotions still attached. I was still robbed of a healthy relationship with my dad. I remember the horrible words he said to me, how he hurt me in so many ways– physically, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually.

It all still happened.

It all no longer defines who I am.

Jesus has scars. Crucified on a cross. Nails the size of small railroad stakes pounded into His wrists and feet. Scars on His scalp from the crown of thorns. Scars on His back as His flesh was ripped apart by a whip called the “cat of nine tails.” He endured that for me. His scars remind me that His love and compassion are so deep, He willingly went through everything He did for me. I couldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t have been able to look at my abusers and say to God the Father, “Father. Forgive them, for they know not what they have done.”
Jesus did that.

His scars remind me.

Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Why My Defensiveness Is A Reflex Reaction For Me With Some

jem

striped-tiger-2873x2748_94516

 

Last night, I had the most wonderful time having dinner, talking, then just listening to a dear friend. I learned so much about her, things I never would have guessed! It’s even easier to see why she is such a beautiful, loving, sincerely kind woman of God.

As is the usual case with me, it’s also hard to not also see that deep contrast between her life and my own.

Again I come face-to-face with why I have often felt a type of rejection from some I’ve hoped to get to know. I’m no Miss Congeniality or Miss Anything.

Often in my lifetime I’ve been left feeling as though I’m not worth people’s time. Some of that is cultural, sure. Some of it is personality-clash. I can be abrasive. I’ve even been described as a “bull in a China shop”.

There aren’t many “boxes” I allow myself to be put in. I tend to fail under heavy-handed expectations. I am as God designed me, also molded from my unique life experiences, which also at times have borne the weight of heavy-handed expectations.

I have learned that not everyone is alike, not everyone does things the same, or reacts to expectation the same way.

I probably will never meet any human’s expectation.

I can only try to meet God’s. And, I fail… All. The. Time.

One of the toughest things to put into practice is listening when it feels like you are not heard by others– that’s where my reaction of defensiveness tries to overtake me.

My life is full of many amazing, even some miraculous testimonies of God’s work.

It’s easy to focus on things that happened because God was not in the circumstances. It’s best to focus on contrasts caused by God’s healing, intervention, love, kindness, miracles and His Mercy.

While the contrast between our lives is somewhat vast, my friend and I have one very important thing that is similar– the knowledge of Who God Is in contrast to who we are and how amazing it is that He loves us.

A Mom's Perspective, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Why I Am This Way, And How It Applies To My Dating Daughter

jem

woman-with-crossfit-5458x3639_24499

 

I grew up a fighter. At a time when women were belittled– not taken seriously while harassed for wanting to break out of the “norm” set for us by men– I decided not to just accept that, but to push past it. I have dealt with that issue head-on for many years now. From a grandpa who refused to call me by my given name because it was a “boys name”, to being treated as an emotional idiot, I have learned how to stand my ground and not ever just take what someone has dished out.

I’ve fought for jobs that “girls aren’t hired for”, and won. The pizza place that refused to hire me to work in the kitchen because “girls only work as cashiers and hostesses”– I worked in the kitchen. The Air Force recruiter who thought I should enlist to be a cook– I became a plumber. The plumbing shop owner who laughed at this female Veteran AirForce  plumber– because “girls don’t get hired as plumbers”– I was hired by someone to help with their in-house plumbing problems. (Nevermind that I had mostly worked on Japanese plumbing, and as a side-effort, I tried to help my aunt in her older house. Let’s just say, I screwed that up REALLY bad! That’s one of my biggest regrets.) 

I drove heavy machinery in Korea when women still didn’t drive there. I drove a Humvee in the middle-east where women aren’t allowed to drive.

When I am backed into a corner and told I can’t do something just because I’m a girl– watch me do just that.

I don’t deal with that so much anymore, as a military spouse and stay at home mom.

baby-toys-5184x2916_23626

 

Now, I’m dealing with a new kind of thing– I’m now the teen girlfriend’s mom. Oh yes. So far her boyfriend has referred to me as not knowing what I’m talking about, and childish. This 18 year old boy that I am allowing my 16 year old daughter to date– with getting-stricter monitoring.

He has some nerve! I am struggling to not take my “childish” attitude and sever his relationship with my daughter!

How do I get it across to my daughter that how he treats me and his own mother will be how he treats her, once they move past all the hormonal ushy-gushy crap?

I am angry that he has the nerve to say things like that about me.

I am concerned that he does not have a relationship with Jesus at all. I want to put a stop to them dating, but at the same time, she is not going to learn important life lessons if I do that.

I am uncomfortable with my daughter dating him at all. Very uncomfortable.

So, the fighter in me has taken to prayer and sobering interaction.

I am accountable to God for my daughter. I will not take that lightly, but I’m not going to give into the temptation to “fight” with her boyfriend. I’m gonna let God fight that battle for me.

beautiful-star-sky-6000x4000_94071

An Honest Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, The Past, Walking With God, What life has taught me

God Loves Divorcées

jem

I get it. God hates divorce.

Divorced people also hate divorce. It’s ugly. It’s destructive. It tears apart what God put together. It turns a peaceful union into a war zone.

Moses gave permission for divorce because mens hearts had hardened against their wives. A hardened heart makes way for cruelty and abuse. Moses was protecting the wives by allowing it.

As one who went through a Scriptural divorce– it sucks! It hurt!

Divorce rips apart lives, hearts and families. It destroys reputations, confidence and dreams.

Divorce is Hell on earth. It separates two people who were once bonded together by love and agreement.

Every divorce is different, it happens for different reasons. It’s a deeply personal experience that cuts through the one-flesh union down into the marrow of our spirit. If you have ever had to have a bone marrow biopsy done, then you know how much that cutting hurts the spirit of those split apart by divorce.

Divorce is more destructive and devastating than losing of a loved one to death. It’s cancer to marriage.

Going through a divorce is pain-filled dying yet still living. 

Can we as the Church, the Body of Christ, just stop? Stop judging our wounded family. Stop throwing stones. Stop rejecting. Stop pouring on our salt… Just stop.

Can we just love one another?

Can we just reach out and encourage each other, especially those in our church memberships that we haven’t taken the time to really get to know?

Let’s trade rejecting for compassion. Hatefulness for love. “Tough love” for gentleness, kindness. Anger for patient listening. Judgment for hugs and healing words.

We can do this. We need to do this. We’ve got to stop wounding our wounded.

I hope to see more teaching to couples and congregations about the difficulties of marriage and the solutions God provides through His Word and through praying together. I hope to see less rejecting of divorcées, and more kind and gentle ministries offered compassionately towards them.

Come on, Church. We are better than this ugly, hate-filled rejection of those who are hurting and struggling to get the pieces of their lives together, alone.

What Would Jesus Do? What does He expect us to do in His Name?

An Honest Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God

Comfortable In My Faith

jem

Do you find yourself being a reactionary or responsive Christian?

I want to be responsive, but I have reactive tendencies far too often. My reflex at feeling attacked, questioned, put on the spot or called names like hypocrite used to be to jump into action and find Scripture to back up my actions, words and belief.

I fell into the false belief that my job as a Christian is to be on the defensive, to fight back with words, to defend my faith, my belief, my Savior from attacks. I thought that was what being a Christian looked like, what it meant.

I was wrong.

My job has never been to convert anyone to my beliefs.

My job is to live out my faith, while living at peace with others as much as is possible.

And, it’s not actually my job. It’s who I am.

Christian is what defines me.

Not my appearance.

Christ within me.

I am comfortable in my faith, because I am able to rest in God. I am able to trust God. Everything I am now, in this moment, is because of changes God made in me, because I am His. And He is mine.

He is Worthy to hand my complete trust to. He is Worthy to give over my plans and decisions to. He is Worthy to live for. He is Worthy to represent.

This past week I have been reminded where He has Saved me from. I remember who I was. Because of a nightmare and a school friend’s recent death, I’ve been taken back to where I’ve come from.

I needed to be reminded.

I have the loveliest peace resting in my heart, because I am comfortable in my faith.

I don’t pounce on those who say things to make me feel defensive. I don’t jump on people who mock us, hate us, and live in ways we don’t agree with. Because that doesn’t reach hearts or change minds.

I live to be a heart changer, to have God’s healing work through me. Defensive fighting doesn’t heal or help others see Who God really is.

I understand God expects me to reach up towards Him through prayer and demonstrate His higher ways. That is a tall order from God, but to whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given much experience, much forgiveness, many, many chances. Should I not give those to others, as well, where it’s appropriate?

A Mom's Perspective, An Honest Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Walking With God

180 Into Momhood

jem

red carnation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It started with a carnation.

Just over 20 years ago I walked into my church service on Mother’s Day Sunday. A divorced Airman, stationed in Japan, I assumed everyone knew my status. But a boy handed me a red carnation, my favorite flower. I started to give it back, saying I wasn’t a mom, and he told me not to worry about it. I could keep it.

As I went to find my seat, I saw a friend who was a mom. I told her I felt bad for keeping the flower, and she said, “Don’t. It’s a promise from God that you will one day become a mother.”

A few years before that day, I nearly made an appointment to have surgery so I wouldn’t have children. I had a sad, awful childhood, and I didn’t want to bring kids into this world full of such ugly hatred for innocence and vulnerability. A friend talked me out of it.

Today I have 4 children. Each one carried and formed within my body. Their lives are so different from how mine was.

The change to motherhood began in my heart, a seed desiring children was planted the day I received that carnation. I wasn’t in a relationship, but I began looking into adoption options. I pondered the future, thought of ways I could include a child. I thought I’d be a single mom. I believed I’d never find a man I could trust to be the father of my children. I refused to have children with the  man who divorced me because I did not trust him.

God did a work in my heart that caught me off guard. I don’t know how or when He made the changes. I made a list of 50 things I believed I’d find in the man He would bring into my life, if He wanted me to remarry.

Months passed. I forgot about the list I had written. I was introduced to a guy, and we started walking and talking together. We went to church together. It wasn’t long before I found the forgotten list. I could check off 46 out of the 50 things, and I recognized evidence of God at work on the 4 things unchecked. A short time after, he asked me to marry him.

I said yes!

The next year and a half was a jumble of long distance, high phone bills, separation anxieties, misunderstandings, making up, praying together, wedding preparations, family frictions, and finally we were together as man and wife. During that long year and a half, God spoke to my heart about the promise of a daughter, and He gave me her name. Deborah.

I got pregnant immediately after rejoining with my new husband.

It was not an easy pregnancy. I had awful morning sickness, and a terrible rash some first time moms carrying girls got… I knew that child was fulfillment of God’s promise of a daughter. Everyone thought I was carrying a boy, but I knew she was a girl.

My water broke 30 days before she was due to be born. She was a tiny 5 pounds 8 ounces. Then she lost a full pound the first week. Our first two weeks together were the hardest I have ever endured. I was fighting to keep her alive. She slept all the time, nursed constantly. I was sore, tired, scared… I had no family nearby to get help from. There were ladies at our church that supported me and prayed for us, and I know God used them to help me continue.

When my daughter was born, my mom-hood was born as well.

I went from fighting as a survivor from my own circumstances, to loving a tiny human who was part of me and yet separate– loving her so much I could feel my heart tearing to be able to fit more love inside of it.

With each child, my heart has stretched and broken apart to fit even more love inside of it. The eye can’t see that, but I have felt every tug, pull and tear. Each child and I have our own story, our own bondings, as well as our own conflicts.

God has been incredibly good to me. He fulfilled His promise and gave me so much more! He provided me with a safe, healthy environment to raise my own children, with a man who selflessly displays so many of God’s characteristics.

I am indescribably thankful that God helped me find my way on to a different life course than I started out on.

 

 

 

American, An Honest Perspective, God's Heart, The Past, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Exposed

jem

I hate my past.

broken_terra_cotta_flower_pot-419x600

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate the parts of my personal story that involve my past. I don’t like who I was, I don’t like what I lived through. I abhor my reactions and choices. I despise where I had no choice or that I had no one to help me, to comfort me, or just talk with.

Yeah, I hate my past.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to get my book written. I hate reliving it. I hate thinking about it. I hate how when I am in a group of people and I just want to fit into the conversation, I feel compelled to share my experiences so I can identify with others. And I hate how vulnerable and

exposed

I often feel when I tell something deeply personal.

Who really wants to hear about the horror experiences of my childhood and teens, and for what reasons do they want to hear about them?

Who cares? About me?

I loathe feeling like other people think I’m competing in storytelling. I hate how it just feels normal to me that I have gone through so many things, and then I see that look of shock on the face of someone I’ve opened up to- then I realize, my life has been anything but normal.

It’s like a thorn in my side.

The parts I don’t hate about my past are when God shines through, as a warm, magnanimous Light, as if He has given my heart the most loving hug.

Healing me, bringing completeness to my injured, abused soul.

Exposure reveals the miracles and even the heart of God throughout my life.

Hating my past has helped me to love and appreciate God. Living my life, I’ve learned there is no one more trustworthy and faithful than God.

A Mom's Perspective, American, An Honest Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Embracing Pain and Fear

jem

184100_10150323851712456_7034223_n

It’s on my heart to share this, and given recent events in the Middle East, I can see that in some respects, it could be a timely message for some.

As an American, I’d say–in our modern American culture, there seems to be a strong growing trend to avoid pain and suffering. We’re a first world nation, we should expect to have comfort and some luxuries, isn’t that the mindset we have all just accepted as normal, healthy living?

We tell ourselves we deserve it.

I think this has, in some ways, weakened some of our resolve and even work ethics.

In today’s America we often expect to be well paid for a job we put minimal effort into doing well. We complain about working, about customers, about our bosses, about not getting paid enough–so little contentment with so much expectation and even an overreaching of an attitude of entitlement of money, healthcare, cell phones or the latest electronic device, of getting everything we want and having every convenience possible, with as little effort as possible.

Us moms, we often give in to the temptation of having a pain-free birth. I gave in with our 4th baby, but I felt like I had somehow cheated. I’m not saying I think that’s wrong, but it seems like it could be a symptom of pain avoidance.

My first 3 births were natural, no pain killers at all. Our second child came so quickly, there was no time to even have an IV put in.

Through childbirth, I learned how to embrace the pain of the contractions, to use that pain to know when to help my baby come out into the world. I bonded with my babies, I struggled and strove to help them. The pain wasn’t something I feared, but something I embraced, I used it to accomplish purpose.

During the labor of my 3rd baby, God spoke to me through the pain.

He told me no one could touch my soul because it’s safe with Him. No matter what happens to my body, my soul can never be touched, harmed, or stolen.

With the recent growing number of killings of Christians, this is something He has reminded me of, to share and have others meditate on.

Pain is fleeting. Salvation is Eternal. Our soul is safe when we give it to God through belief on Christ Jesus. As a result, I know deep within, I Never have to be afraid of any pain. I know that God will avenge me for anyone who hurts me, because I belong to Him.

I know that God will avenge every Christian murdered by those who have set themselves up as enemies of The Most High God. We may not see how He does it, but their souls will never have the comfort, peace, rest or safety that the souls of those they murdered will have for ALL of Eternity.

God’s judgment is coming for those who dare to touch the ones He has claimed as His own.

I have no fear, because I know Who I belong to. And, if I stumble into fearfulness, God reminds me that it’s His perfect love that casts that out. I don’t have to succumb to it, to let it take over my reactions, my emotions or my actions and words. I don’t have to let it take control, I am not helpless because I have Help.

I have read and heard quite a few interpretations of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo–from prosperity encouragements, to commitment, to God’s faithfulness to us. But, what I get out of that account is that no matter what–no matter the pain, no matter if God chose not to intervene or help them–No Matter What, they would remain faithful to God. Because they knew Who they belonged to. No amount of pain, or manipulation, or fear-inducing circumstances could make them turn their backs to God.

He chose to help them. I have no doubt if He hadn’t, they would have died in that furnace still completely faithful to God. Because they knew He knows the end from the beginning. He knows the reasons He does, or does not do things.

Do you know Who you belong to? Do you believe on Him so deeply, that no amount of pain or suffering will manipulate you into relenting and turning away?

We need to pray that those being killed for belonging to Him through Jesus know Who they belong to. We need to pray that God will intervene, that Jesus will return, and that this persecution will be stopped. Only the return of Jesus is going to stop it.

When we obey the command to pray for peace in Jerusalem, we are praying for Jesus to come back and intervene on behalf of those who are suffering because of His Name.

Return, Lord Jesus, return quickly!

When we Christians unite, the power of God is manifest through our agreement in prayer, through our worship of God, and that is what causes fear in our enemies. That is why they kill, because Satan knows and wants to stop God’s power from flowing through His body–The Church, The Bride of Christ.

We are part of something so much greater than we are just in ourselves.

Satan is using people who believe his lies to try to stop God from working through us. He will not succeed, we know that from The Revelation of John.

But, where 2 or 3 are gathered, He is in our midst. When we have faith, we can tell a mountain to move, and it will.

Do we ever challenge our own faith?

Paul had a thorn in his side that God chose not to remove. There is debate of what that thorn was, but what I understand is–Paul chose to continue to faithfully serve God with that thorn unremoved. He didn’t complain. He didn’t yell at God. He didn’t quit. He didn’t rebuke it.

Paul focused on God, not on the thorn.

Our faith and our commitment need to grow up. We need to put off the American part of ourselves and embrace the Eternal, like putting off our old selves to put on the new. Ephesians 4:22-32 Colossians 3:1-4

We can’t, after all, take America with us, and America can’t keep our souls safe Eternally.

Only the One True God can do that.

American, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, What life has taught me

The Truth About My Mom-In-Law

jem

The strengths of my mother-in-law stand out so clearly for me. She has been a wonderful example of being strong, courageous and faithful.

 

bird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sensitive

Traditional

Righteous

Observant

Noteworthy

Gentle

 

Concise

Outspoken

Unrelenting

Respectable

Amazing

Giving

Encouraging

Overjoyed

Unique

Smart

 

Fabulous

Ardent

Intuitive

Thoughtful

Hard-working

Fruitful

Unwavering

Loving

An Honest Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Before and After: A Matter of Perspective

jem

Here is my dad David was able to get a picture tod

It’s been 2 months since my dad’s passing, wow, to the day. My timing isn’t planned, just lucky coincidence.

This picture accurately represents something unexpected for me.

My dad is smiling here. He was happy because my husband was able to visit him.

When my dad was alive, it wasn’t his smile I remembered, or his comforting shoulder hug when he walked up next to me after not having seen me for a long time.  It wasn’t the twinkle of kindness and love in his eyes when he looked at me during my short visits so far and few between the passing time. It wasn’t his jokes, or the happy tone behind all he said.

The thought of my dad when he was still alive wasn’t anything warm and fuzzy.  It was sadness that he was in hospital or nursing home care. It was frustration that so much of a normal relationship with him had been stolen from me because of mental illness (also PTSD misdiagnosed and neglected) and his “guinea-pig” status with the VA. It was anger that he was so unpredictable, I never knew what to expect when I was able to visit him. My mom claims he had no “filter”, what I know as practicing self-control and taming the tongue. The last time I saw him when he wasn’t being kept alive by machines breathing for him, he told my husband some really awful things, stuff he said he was confessing to concerning me. There are so many holes in my childhood memory, some of what he said I  can’t even verify.

He was moved around so often by the VA that I rarely knew where he was, and he did not always have access to a phone for me to call him. My mom stopped remembering to tell me he had been moved, it became part of her normal life. And, the truth is, I often cringed at the thought of talking with him on the phone. What would I say? What would his frame of mind be?

The most surprising aspect of his passing is that all those fears and negative emotions have just sort of evaporated away. I am finally free to feel the good feelings when I think of him now. My guard can be let down, I don’t have to defend myself, or prepare for the worst. I don’t have to remind myself of the bad things.

I never once wished him dead- well, after I forgave him, that is. So, there is no guilt to deal with now. Life circumstances kept my family and I far away from him, so again, no guilt about any of that. It was out of my control.

I can let the little girl I once was think about my dad and remember what I loved most about him.  No more guard, no more self-defense, no more cringing as I think of him.

My heart is free to remember safely now.

Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God

Church “Home”

jem

I feel so blessed that this time as we transition, we are leaving an actual church home. Not just because we chose to become members and begin to lay down roots. No. There are many facets in why we stayed with this church until God, through the military, chose to move us on from the area.

There are a lot of really “good” churches. There are also, sadly, some not-so-good churches. Every church has different focuses, different ministries, and even different reasons for having been planted.

This church has felt like home. I have been free to just be myself. I have been allowed to make mistakes, to grow, to be the vessel God has molded me to be. Not everyone has been formed by God into a pitcher. Some are vases, some are bowls, some are cups… All can be poured into by God, but there are a variety of ways God redistributes what He uses through us. I have been able to serve as God has built me to serve. And, it’s not been an issue with anyone that my season just has not been one of exhausting myself getting involved with everything possible. Maybe some haven’t liked that, but I don’t feel judged or labeled, or even rejected. No one has resorted to calling me offensive names, or directing sermons at me trying to get me to change something that they completely misjudged about me. Nope. Not this time.

I love that this church is involved with several missions to quite a few international locations. They open their doors to guest speakers who share stories about God using them to help people who don’t have many opportunities to be shown hope, kindness, love or grace (Project Rescue). They embrace opportunities to reach out to hurting children in ways that don’t try to conform the child to any standard, but just to give them a chance to rest, and have fun in a safe environment (Royal Family Kids Camp). They reach out into the community to give what is needed, and make things fun and inviting (Harvest Party and Feed the Multitudes).

I’m not going to blather on all mushy-like about how perfect it’s always felt to me since we started going. It’s not perfect. It’s not fakey-polite, it’s not elevating of certain people. It’s well-balanced. And, while, of course, there are things I would personally change, the things I would not change far out-weigh anything petty.

It’s real, with real people, doing real things, with God at the heart of it all. The teaching is sound, with just the right touch of “edginess” and twists on perspective to illuminate the Word of God being alive – that double-edged sword that separates our understanding and everyday ways from God’s actual intentional purposes and plans.

That’s why I consider this my church home- because it reminds me of how things will be in our Heavenly Home. I have been satisfied here.

American, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Missed

jem

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I’ve said goodbye to an extraordinary amount of people during my lifetime. So many, I’ve lost count. Different phases, stages, careers and places I’ve moved on from.

This past year I’ve lost 4 people near to my heart, to death: 2 sisters in Christ that I admired deeply, my dad, and my middle school music mentor who helped form the individual I’ve become.

 I don’t remember how the two sisters in Christ that passed on last year dressed. I remember how they demonstrated their love for the Lord by giving Him their lives, their hopes and dreams, in service, worshiping Him in spirit and in truth. I remember seeing the reflection of God’s heart as they prayed for me and others. I remember the Hope they lived out and openly shared with people who had no idea they even needed it. I remember when I was young, how my dad made me laugh. I remember how my music mentor encouraged my creativity and helped me form a sincere love for music, how it could be fun, how we could take the notes and put them in different orders to make new melodies. I don’t remember what color shirt he wore, or if he wore sneakers or dress shoes. 

It’s human nature to size people up. We value our opinions more than we value the person our opinions are about. It’s God’s nature to value what’s within each individual, the unique qualities that make us all who we are.

We’re all so much more than our outer packaging. My own life has been full of adventures, twists and turns, comedy, drama, tragedies, trials– easily missed by an outward scan of the eye. 

My heart misses the people who have impacted my life over the years. My eyes miss seeing their smiles or tears of compassion. My ears miss hearing their laughter and voices.

The things we place value on in the here and now are often completely erased– rendered invalid as time passes on.

What do you miss about those you’ve cherished?

A Loving Wife's Perspective, American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Individually One Flesh

jem

Love my husband s fun hobby D these are our mains

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark 10:8 “and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” (NASB)

Marriage is the most unique relationship between humans. When a man and woman marry, it takes time to learn how to live together.  How to agree and disagree. Whether or not to even have children.

Then, if having kids, how to raise them and discipline them. How to encourage them in the midst of parents coming from 2 different perspectives, backgrounds, and maybe even world  views.

There are many outside forces to consider. The husband and wife learn they have to set boundaries for outside forces so they can follow the path together that they set out on when they said, “I do”. There are things to compromise on, things to agree on, and times where tongues may or may not be held, when one does things the other doesn’t like.

I learned a lot from my first marriage that failed. I was rejected by a husband who was far from the image he sold me before we married. I was shoved out of the way to make room for another woman. As I struggled with my hurt, I also learned how to become an individual again. I lost “me” completely within that marriage.

When God brought His choice for me into my life, I remembered my previous marriage experience. How bad things were with a man who would have nothing to do with God or church. I realized it would be best to focus on what is right with my second-chance marriage. I chose to not adopt society’s way of focusing on what I see as being wrong, and telling others about my irritations, getting people to be on my side.

We are one flesh. There are no sides.

What I say reflects back on both of us. It points to my character as much as his character.

But although we are one flesh, we are still both individual people. One of the hardest lessons I have gleaned from is: I can’t take his failures personal. Not everything is about me. Sure, his decisions and actions affect me more than any other person besides him. Sure, I am in it with him, and when he makes bad decisions they affect me like they affect him. I am part of the fall-out. My feelings are entangled with his choices. And, no, he doesn’t often remember to think about that.

God gave him to me. To love me, to provide for me, to protect me.

Sometimes I forget: God also gave me to him.

God gave me to him to be his help mate. He may not want my help. He may not recognize what I am trying to do as being helpful.

But, God has given me a mission as his wife: help him.

How am I supposed to help him? The first thing is to let him be the individual God created him to be.

I have to disengage my feelings when he falls off the pedestal I tend to put him on. He is not immune from making sinful decisions. So, how can I help him look to God more? How can I help him be a man of prayer and response, rather than human reactions? How can I help him make decisions best for the whole family, that please God, rather than just decisions for himself?

I need to remind myself at times that God will work out the details for what He sees as faults.

How can I help him be his best for God? Without being manipulative. Without trying to be his Holy Spirit. Without putting my opinion and expectations in place as the standard I try to push on him. How can I just let him be him, treat him with respect and loving-kindness, regardless of what I see as being wrong?

How can I submit to his leadership, in a sense, without losing my own individuality in the process? How can I help him consider my needs and instincts, while balancing myself against things I recognize as not being God’s best for him, us, or our family?

My husband needs me. Whether he acknowledges it or even recognizes it, or not.

He needs me to be encouraging when he feels overwhelmed. He needs me to pray for him. He needs me to help carry his burdens, when possible, and let him handle them his way when I can’t.

He needs me to love and accept him, unconditionally. He needs me to not harden my heart when he doesn’t do things “perfect”, or even when what he does and says hurts me.

The hardest part of being his helpmate is focusing on my mission from God to respect him and be the helpmate God gave me to him to be. Through prayer, fasting, encouraging, silence, sharing Scripture, and being nonjudgmental when he does not do things the way I would.

Individually, we are one flesh. He does not have anyone else like me in his life.

God has given me an important mission on earth. To help one of His children in ways no other person can, with God’s help through my life.

We are 2 individuals that are also one-flesh. Even when my other half messes up, or strays from God. I still have my purpose given to me from the Divine. That does not get cancelled out. If anything, it becomes a more urgent focus.

My feelings and expectations are not the standard I live by. God’s standard is what I am striving to live by.

I can’t just give up and walk away, even if it ever felt like it was killing me.

Jesus didn’t give up and walk away when it was killing Him.

American, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Bondage Gospel: Good News?

jem
1048428-Royalty-Free-RF-Clip-Art-Illustration-Of-A-Cartoon-Happy-Springy-Man-Running-BarefootMark16:14-15 (NLT)
Still later he appeared to the eleven disciples as they were eating together. He rebuked them for their stubborn unbelief because they refused to believe those who had seen him after he had been raised from the dead.  “And then he told them, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone…”
Recently in the news, many rejoiced that 3 young women who had been held captive by a man for a decade, were suddenly found and freed. They were alive! Though not unharmed, and changed in ways most of us will never comprehend. They were finally allowed the freedom to return to their loved ones, robbed of a decade of memories and experiences with them.
 I think we can all agree, their new freedom was good news!!! And, it was spread, far and wide.
Also, recently in the news, the government has enforced a new law that is popular with some, and unpopular with others.  For years, many have been shouting the good news about free government healthcare. For others, they recognized a new bondage they have been forced to embrace.
The Gospel can come across that way. When we Christians quote the 10 Commandments of God to the world, many look at it as a new bondage. One that locks them into a box of condemnation and away from the freedom to live as they choose to. Many hear the clanging of gongs whose noise level is deafening, and it makes them run away from what they think of as a type of ancient imprisonment. It makes them strike out in anger at the ones making the noise.
Sadly, we have been ineffective messengers. We’ve caused many to equate the Good News of Jesus conquering eternal death, and being raised up from the grave, as an agreement to surrender to a bondage. One they cannot live up to, and don’t even want to try.
Do we hear how we sound?
Is what we say, and the attitude in which we say it, how we ourselves were drawn to Jesus?
When we say to someone, “You will die a forever death that will keep you eternally separated from the love of God, from the goodness of God, from God Himself”, what reaction does that invoke?
How can we communicate the Gospel message effectively?
Do we even want to communicate effectively?
See, it seems like sometimes we prejudge people and we tailor our message to fit the perception we have created with our opinion. Then, we leave God out of the message. Oh, we talk about Him, we try to thump it into people’s guilt and consciences. God is probably not in that.
Many have come to equate the Gospel message with a message of condemnation and criticism for how they are, who they are, and how they want to live.
When did Jesus ever talk to an unbeliever like that?
How many people actually ask us what they have to do to be Saved? Most often, it’s an unwilling listener who gets a barrage of what a horrible person they are.
When my husband asked me to marry him, if he had told me what a horrible person I was and how he could make me be a better person if I would marry him, I would have never spoken to him again.
That’s what we do when we walk in condemnation of the people God loves and wants to draw near to Him. They aren’t going near God with a 10 foot pole, when we approach them like that.
Are we like Jonah? Deep down inside, do we feel like they don’t deserve our loving God’s arms wrapped around their lives, or His promises fulfilled for them?
Is it really a Gospel of repelling and condemnation we are wanting to pass on, so they will instead reject the wonderful things we have been given in Christ Jesus?
Or, is it a manipulative way we embrace because of how we view our own inadequacies in sharing Jesus with a world full of hostile critics? Is it our own lack of faith in God working through us to draw others to Himself through us?
Are we willing to be vessels filled with His love and grace?
Whatever our definition of love is, I do not believe, most often, it is God’s definition of love. Where is the kindness, the gentleness, the peacefulness that God Himself demonstrates to us constantly? Is God like the slave master who whips us into submission to Him?
NO!
He is gentle, and loving, and Kind, giving us everything we need. Why is it, then, that often we take on a harsh, mean attitude, and shout about Sodom and Gomorrah, the 10 Commandments, and how the unbeliever needs to repent?
Perhaps there is a time and a place for that. But, most often – I think not.
I believe these are some hard questions we need to be asking ourselves. This is a mirror for us to look into, and do a heart and motivation check.
Paul wrote:
1 Corinthians 5:9-12 (NASB)
9 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; 10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. 11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? 
American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

United We Stand

jem

glass broken heartGod has sure been stirring up a lot of things in my heart and thoughts lately.

One of the recurring issues I deal with is that I am still missing out on a father figure for my life. I understand that Scripture teaches us that God is our Heavenly Father, and He has never disappointed me.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am 40-something, and I still wish I could just have a normal conversation with my daddy. I have never had that. I have missed that, and struggled not to envy what others have been given.

There are so many people, of all ages, who have not had real, or healthy  relationships with their parents.  Where are the Godly men who will step up, and allow God to use them to replace what has been stolen from so many?

“When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing heart-photo-by-Carien-of-sxc.hu_nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household. (John 19:26-27 NASV)

He understood that those relationships are of utmost importance.

We are missing so much with our individualistic approach to Christianity. We are missing out on so much.

American, Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Love Is Tough

jem

Judah 031Our American culture has adopted this practice of Tough Love when we see others doing stuff we don’t like.

I can see how this has been helpful in some situations. Some people are hurtful towards others, and destructive forces for themselves and others. Sometimes we need some kind of kick in the pants to wake us up to difficult things.

Judah 034My concern is, it seems like we often call something else “Tough Love”. When people do things that annoy, we turn our back on them. We don’t tell them what the offense is, but we ignore them in a manner that is manipulative, and honestly – mean.

I cannot see Jesus doing that with others. Not this second thing.

The second description is a form of rejection, candy-coated so we can justify our actions. It’s often the result of hearing one side of a situation through gossip. Often the person being rejected or ” Tough Loved” is the most in need of acceptance and actual Love. It is not Biblical.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love endures all things . Love keeps No record of wrongs. Love does not rejoice in evil ( do we rejoice in turning our back on others?). Love is not jealous (does our rejection cause someone to feel jealous of others being treated better by us?). (1Cor 13)

When someone offends us, the Bible instructs us in how to deal with that. It is rare that I see that put into practice! Even by lay leaders. What most often happens is we play this manipulative game of “guess what you did wrong – no you didn’t offend me”.

We need to stop the games.

Let’s practice Tough Love on that manipulative, mean practice we use to elevate ourselves in our minds, as being better than someone else.

Let’s practice compassion by imagining ourselves in other people’s shoes, and demonstrating the very same Grace, Kindness, and Love we would hope we could expect.

I’d like to redefine Tough Love as being resilient, and sincerely loving others even more so when they are the most unloveable.

Let’s really be the Church, and effective ambassadors of Jesus. Starting right now.

Part of “revival” is repenting from Ungodly practices.

American, Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

When I Say “Food”, You Say…

jem

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It’s hard to stop pre-thinking about what I am about to read, as I blog-hop. So, let’s all just take a moment to close our eyes, and clear the thoughts ready to pounce as the words here are read.

I’ve been thinking about food today, and medical problems, and possible connections between them. I’ve had a lot of blood work done lately. So much so, that I now refer to the phlebotomist as the medical vampire. I’ve been questioning whether some of my problems are caused by what I eat.

That got me to wondering: when you think of food, what is the first thing that comes to mind? I wouldn’t be surprised if for the majority of Americans, it’s calories, fat, or weight gain.

I don’t think we have a healthy mindset about food.

We fret, we stress, we avoid, we burn, we ban, we purge, we omit, we decorate, we make scents of it…

But do we really make sense of it?

Our body needs food. That’s the one fact about food none of us can dispute. It’s the fuel our bodies are designed to function from. Do we have a healthy relationship with it?

There are certain foods our bodies have been designed around. No matter what, we need water. We need protein. We need certain salts to keep it in balance. We need minerals and vitamins.

It’s not supposed to be about avoiding, and focusing on counting calories. It’s supposed to be about relaxing and enjoying what the earth produces to nourish us.

Babies draw comfort from their mothers as they are nourished by their mothers. I think, there is nothing wrong with finding some amount of comfort in eating what’s good for us.

There are plenty of examples of celebration feasts in the Bible. God provided the nourishment needed as Jesus fed the 10,000 with the Word of God – Spiritual food, that our bodies have been designed to need to function in a healthy manner.

So. What do you think of when the word food is mentioned?

Christian Thoughts, God's Heart, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Are You a Riverbed of Living Water?

jem

my phone 044A few weeks ago, my husband prayed over me, and God revealed to him how things often are for me. A scene played in his mind of a deer going from riverbed to riverbed, finding them all dry. I cried as he shared this, in awe that God would reveal something so deeply personal with accurate detail, in such a beautiful way.

God has taken this outcast and placed me right in the middle of His Living water. Now, when I thirst, I know I can always drink from His Living water, in a riverbed that never runs dry. God’s Spirit has been the water when I have been dying of thirst, with no opportunity for the type of relationships my life has often needed in order to be nurtured and healthy.

He has held me close to Him when others have kept me at arm’s length, gave me a cold shoulder or shut me out.

God made us to need other people.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????For years, I’ve had this mental picture of looking through a window I’m on the outside of. I see people enjoying each others company while listening to each other intently and celebrating life, ministering to specific needs.

It’s like watching a movie of something that has been the longing of my heart.

More and more I’m sure God has been showing me His own heart with that mental picture. I believe He wants that to be a mirror, instead of a window. A reflection of all His children included. No jealousy, no competing for favoritism or position, and no bullying. Just unconditional love, appreciating God’s handiwork in others while building one another up and spurring them on towards the prize.

Maybe, also, that’s what it will look like in Eternity.

 

Isaiah 55:1
“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”

Psalm 42 NLT
1 As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. 2 I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? 3 Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?” 4 My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration! 5 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and 6 my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you— even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar. 7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 8 But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life. 9 “O God my rock,” I cry, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?” 10 Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?” 11 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!

American, Christian Thoughts, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Being An Enabler Is Good

jem

domestic_violence

Isaiah 57:14 “And it will be said,
“Build up, build up, prepare the way,
Remove every obstacle out of the way of My people.””

We’ve all heard the phrase and warning, “Don’t be an enabler“. I grew up thinking there is only one definition and only one way to enable: to allow, encourage or make excuses for the wrong or hurtful behavior of another. I became an expert in not fitting that definition. I also became an expert at knowing how to avoid being co-dependent.

Recently I’ve become aware that Merriam-Webster is changing definitions to words. No, not adding new definitions, but erasing/deleting/removing previous definitions, then adding new ones. “Tolerance” is one that has been redefined. I’m going to work hard to help change the mindset about this word “enabling”. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we completely throw out the definition society most often grabs hold of and speaks out against. I am saying, let’s get to the place where that becomes a secondary definition, and the word doesn’t cause such a negative reaction.

DSCF0990

I thought about how using a lawn mower enables us to take care of our lawn.

Recently my husband was asked to play the keys in a band performing that didn’t have someone available to play them. I reacted, rather than responding, with a groan. My husband has so many demands on his time. Often when it’s my turn, he’s so exhausted he’s falling asleep. Things have been busier for both of us, and I was looking forward to just having a day where nothing was scheduled that we could relax at home. Then, he explained the reason for the performance. It was an opportunity for the young lady singing to participate in an open air concert, with a possible opportunity to be able to open for a big named singer in the future. Wow. I didn’t want to stand in the way of that possibility! So, I stopped complaining and dreading his being busy with yet another thing, and I went with him in support. Meeting her and hearing her sing, I realized this was a super big deal. She is good, with a powerful message that made me cry while they were rehearsing.

So, that got me to thinking, and realizing: I’ve been short-changed. There is a whole other positive side to being an enabler, one I think the majority of us would love the chance to embrace. So, here are some ways to enable the people in your life:

1) Always speak to them with words that encourage and build up.

2) Address things that need to be changed or done better, in a positive way. Don’t just allow the negative to continue, but don’t criticize harshly or condemn.

3) Be available to support in the ways they need, not the ways you think they need.

4) If they mess up or fail, be there to support, build up and gently encourage them to not give up.

5) Support them and help them have a balanced attitude when they succeed.

 

American, Christian Thoughts, Walking With God

Experience The Rainbow

jem

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“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:20 NIV

When I took these two pictures, I had no idea they would fit together like this.

I have been fascinated with rainbows for as long as I can remember.

As a little girl I sat in my room alone and watched through my window as others played. I saw a rainbow, and felt God speak into my spirit “I love you”. I had learned from the Bible that God made the first rainbow as a promise to never flood the earth again, but instead washed the earth with the rain.

In the past when under duress, a rainbow would take me instantly back to that first moment God spoke into my spirit, and instant peace flooded me.

At 24 when I entered a crossroads in my life, having sought God for the very first time as to what He wanted to do with the life He gave me, I asked Him for a sign to know, so I wouldn’t doubt His answer and direction.

The sign He gave me, twice, as I began to doubt it the first time, was a rainbow over an American flag. It was the military He was leading me into.

184100_10150323851712456_7034223_nI had a tattoo of that sign from Him inked above my right ankle, to remind me of where I had come from, and where my journey with God started. I knew God before, but I often just kind of stumbled into His path for me. The crossroads served as an opportunity to follow His path with purpose, determination, and confidence that I would know His direction. I left everything behind, shed off my old life, and followed closely after Him, clinging to His Word and His Promises.

Of course I have stumbled as I’ve learned how to walk on His straight and narrow path, many times. It has been a lonely walk at times, and full of fellowship other times. My vision for my life has not always matched God’s vision for my life, and I’ve had to remind myself to surrender to His purpose, not insist on mine.

As I’ve looked at things not of God that use the rainbow as a symbol, I have found something to be completely ironic.

The Gay Pride flag is a rainbow. I pondered this last night, and wondered if that was done by intent, or completely by accident?

14776366-gay-pride-flag-waving-in-the-wind

If by accident, it could very well serve as a reminder that we are all, ALL, covered by God’s promise to never flood the earth again. But, Biblical history also shows us that at the time God flooded the earth, homosexuality was rampant. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed as homosexuality was practiced. I don’t believe, personally, it was homosexuality itself that caused God to destroy those cities. It was the heart condition that serving and elevating self  caused.

 

Was the rainbow chosen to dig at Christians, as a source of irritation? I have heard many gay people say they just want to be accepted, but in action, they very often say hateful things about Christians and Christianity.

It seems to me, the heart of this movement might not be just acceptance and peacefully co-existing. It looks very much like they might be thumbing their noses at Christians and the promise of our God. Regardless their flag serves as a reminder to us all that God honors His promises, even if there are attempts to provoke Him.

“The Lord is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love, forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion.” Numbers 14:18

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

Colossians 3:12:14“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32

Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

“Don’t Apologize”

jem

I’ve spent most of my lifetime apologizing for who I was and who I am, for simply being here, maybe in someone’s way, or saying something that might have given the wrong impression or just didn’t get my point across. I’ve apologized and been completely introspective, believing something was wrong with me, because someone was positive I must have been flirting with a worship leader when I was watching them for upcoming cues, as I would a conductor in a symphony.

I’ve mentally kicked myself probably near 1 million times for all the mistakes I have made or possible wrong impressions I unknowingly have given.

I’ve eased up on myself over the years, because the focus stopped being so much on how I was messing things up, the more I grabbed hold of my life and learned to follow God. But sometimes, I can feel that try to pull me down again. It’s like trying to swim to the top, to breath, but being pulled back down by someone who just doesn’t want me to reach the surface. That’s what the negative opinions and gossip, misunderstandings, misinterpretations and even lies of my past tries to do to me.

I’ve apologized time and again for making mistakes, for giving an unpopular opinion that offends someone (but they don’t apologize to me in return, as their opinion can be just as offensive.)

I don’t expect from others what I know should be expected of me.

So, lately, I’ve got some stuff going on. I’m realizing I have some health issues that stem back to before I was even a teenager. The medical diagnosis is taking F.O.R.E.V.E.R. but I’m pretty positive I know what is wrong. At the very least, I know the generalized category of what is wrong with me. Had I been diagnosed as a child with this, would that have shaped my life differently? Would I still feel the need to constantly apologize for my very existence that alone seems to have caused so many problems, less or even more so? I believe some people actually think if I had not been born, their lives would have been tremendously more easy, and some of the problems just wouldn’t have been. Too bad, cause the only place I’m going is probably shutting the door to them. I am grateful for the life God has given to me, and I am satisfied. Should I apologize to them for that, do you think?

So, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being awkward and untrusting.

I’m sorry for being messy and unorganized in the past, yes I know, I was pretty bad.

I’m sorry for ever having needed to rely on someone else for help.

I’m sorry for having an opinion different from yours and not just keeping it to myself.

I’m sorry for having been promiscuous and confusing that with being cherished and wanted.

I’m sorry for leaving a church where the lack of grace was suffocating me. I’m also sorry my husband felt the need to leave, as well, all by himself. I’m sorry so many misjudged and thought I convinced him to leave, too. I’m even more sorry for the hurt inflicted in him, and me as well, as we felt rejection from some who had once treated us like family.

I’m sorry I’ve cut so many people out of my life over the years, because I just do not trust them not to hurt me.

I’m sorry for misunderstanding what you said.

I’m sorry for having a possible physical disability that seems impossible to actually diagnose.

I’m sorry for thinking a fire hydrant was a child dressed in winter clothing, in the middle of the hot summer, because my eye sight gets so blurry.

I’m sorry that you think I’m stupid.

I’m sorry for being born. Really. I’m sorry for being born. Because, we all know I had so much control over that. (Yeah, ok, this last one was pure sarcasm.)

I often hear from my husband, “Stop apologizing. It’s ok. It’s not as bad as you think. It’s not as frustrating as it seems. You’re fine.”

I can’t just quit. Because maybe apologizing will help people who don’t like me because we differ in political or religious opinions, to like me. Maybe people won’t judge me so harshly as being stupid because I made some mistakes, or I got confused about something, or I don’t debate the way they think I should.

Maybe people will think as highly of me as I think of them, if I just apologize enough for being so inadequate and insignificant.

I purposely cover over the hurts and negatives that others have caused me. But, I don’t see that happening for me from most people. So, I guess if I apologize enough, maybe, they might realize that sometimes I need to be apologized to. <shrug>

Some people, and they know who they are, have yet to begin to scratch the surface of apologies I deserve to be given. But, because I understand how to forgive and look past things in everyone else, except myself, of course I will overlook things and press on, surrendering the pain and frustration to God.

By the way, I’m getting better at not making myself the exception. That is the healthiness God is bringing about in me.

I hope you’re getting better at apologizing.   😉

Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

To Know Me Is To ______ Me

jem

1Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.” (NASB)

I have a jumble of thoughts built up. Hopefully I can get them all out and place them in good order.

I’m thinking about God’s continuous cycle of revealing and healing. He shows us something about ourselves or our past that we haven’t seen through His understanding, He illuminates it, then He begins the process of healing.

The thing about God’s way of healing: it’s not always our way. We don’t even understand that that’s what He is up to, sometimes.

A root biggie in my life is enveloped by the Scripture I shared. To be known. A branch off of that would be to be seen, and another branch would be to be heard. The fruit that I want to grow on this particular crop in my life is: to be valued.

This probably shapes pretty much every thought, action, and even inaction I do, all the time.

There are so many things we place value on concerning people. What they do (job, talent, skill), what they say, where they have been. We value degrees, titles, clothing, monetary worth, status, and career choices.

I think we often forget to place value on the most valuable part of a person: them.

When my husband and I discipline our children, we often remind them that it’s the dangerous, unacceptable, or just all around bad behavior we are wanting them to change and correct, not them as individuals. Their worth is not tied into behaving perfectly. No matter what, we will love them, they will always be our child, though their choice in behavior may disappoint and frustrate us. Their behavior does not define them.

God defines them. He began the definition of each one of us as He knit us in our mother’s womb.

There are roots in my history that have become tied to how I perceive being valued. My parents weren’t the sort to hold conversations with me, or listen to what I had to say. They were focused on their own lives for various reasons, and the very best thing I could ever do was try to just stay out of their way as much as possible.

There were times I ran away, and they didn’t even know I wasn’t there. There were times I ran away, and they did know I wasn’t there, but I never heard a conversation about how I might have been in danger, or how I had or would be missed. I heard about how it made things look, or how things weren’t so bad for me, or how next time they’d  put me in Juvie. I had no self worth, because I never saw my parents reflect that back to me. Except when I did something that reflected on them in a good way, like doing well at a concert. My worth became tied into playing my violin well.

I remember times when I shard things with my mom that seemed super important to me, things I didn’t have anyone else to share them with, and she would roll her eyes, sigh irritatedly, and tell me how stupid it was, or something to that effect. She still does that, and it still tries to affect my perception of my worth.

I feel like I was robbed of a healthy mom-daughter relationship. Because of that, I purposely go out of my way to tell my kids how important they are to me. I don’t ever want them to believe they are not valued just for who they are, because I know what that feels like. (Of course, a clean room would also give an added pleasant bonus…)

I think that’s why God carefully took me under the shelter of His wings when I was pretty young. I always remember His being there, going out of His way to give me something I needed to help me want to carry on. He made me aware of a deeper purpose that He has given to me, deeper than any person ever could. He reflected my own heart back to me when I was heart-broken at trying to help a friend who tried to commit suicide, then told me they never wanted to speak to me again. He fixed that, and He worked, and I didn’t have to lose that friend to suicide or hatred. He made Himself known to me before I knew myself at all. He showed Himself to be real. Nothing can ever convince me God is not real, because He simply IS. There is no unbelief that is more powerful than God’s reality. It doesn’t take much to find Him, either. One just has to sincerely want to know Him for themselves.

God is at work healing some pretty deep hurts in my life. After all the healing and work He has done, sometimes it’s tempting to want to ask Him, “Are You ever going to be finished in me?”

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

I do know that answer: Yes. When Jesus returns.

Anyway, I got the jumble of thoughts out, and here I am at the end of this blog entry. You’ve now had a glimpse into my head, heart and life. I hope something good will come out of that for you.

Thanks for reading.

Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Being Falsely Accused

jem

“‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” (Deut 5:20 )

Don’t take hold of a misunderstanding, giving it no opportunity to be resolved or cleared up, and instead tell others about it as if it were the truth.

1-sad-girl-bad-love-relationship-quotes-photo-images-wallpaper-fanzwave-netMisunderstandings happen.  I have often hoped for grace from others when I have either misunderstood something, or I have been misunderstood.

But there is a pride in some that just won’t let them admit they have misunderstood something. That lack of communication that could most often keep friendships safe, marriages strong and family close in heart, often gets overlooked or disregarded.

That’s when anxiety pulls the strings with impulsive reactions, causes a spewing out of hurtful words that can’t be pulled back in under a controlled tongue. The mind plays tricks, creates scenarios that consume concentration. Reality is saturated with illusions and injections of a “read between the lines” offensiveness that often doesn’t even exist.

Negative, accusing thoughts are illuminated and become like darts of poison to a misunderstanding.

The wisdom of God‘s Word in Philippians 4:6 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (NASB)  stands out like a beacon of light on the darkest of nights.

God’s Word heeded saves friendships during times of misunderstanding.

I grieve the loss of friendships torn away from me by confusion of circumstances, misreading of intentions, and not having open heart-to-heart conversations.

Be anxious for nothing. But in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving: Let your requests be made known to God.

That seems so clear. Until I walk away from it, and my thoughts remind me of a perceived offense.

In light of God’s advice: maybe my own perception is affected and influenced by things outside of what really happened. Maybe what I see is tainted by my choice to instead meditate on the perception. Perhaps my prideful ego suckled on the bitterness of a false negative, while stirring up strife in my heart and in the hearts and lives of others.

Who wants to admit when they’ve made a mistake? Isn’t it easier to instead cover it up and share with others the perceived offense? Doesn’t the sweetness of revenge that drains the vitality of relationships grant a satisfaction, while turning people away from an innocent person that we project false guilt on to? To drag a reputation through the mud to elevate a temporary false victimization, that’s vindication, right? Isn’t that fair?

Enough of that. When it becomes the destroyer of reputations it is unfair and wrong. It’s actually a form of bullying.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (NKJV)

What are God’s thoughts towards us?  Even though every one of us have sinned against God and fallen short, this says His thoughts are …”of peace and not evil, to give you (us) a future and a hope.”

What about thoughts towards those who we perceive to have sinned against us? Are they of peace?

We need to get this right. God will hold us accountable for our words and our actions. No matter how justified we believe we are.

A Mom's Perspective, American, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Walking With God, What life has taught me

What My Mom Helped Me Learn

jem

My mom has helped me learn some things that I now have the opportunity to purposefully make sure my daughter gets from me.

Deborah turning 4 Incidentally, when my mom came o1) Always have her back. Even if I don’t agree with her or she doesn’t handle things the way I would, never make her feel as though she has to deal with things alone.

2) No amount of money or possessions can replace a sense of being cherished or belonging.

3)  I need to be approachable.

4) Listen, even when it drives me crazy to hear about her friends I’ve never met. It’s important to her to be able to share it with me. Also, that keeps me informed and interested. I know who is dating who, who just moved into the neighborhood, who I should be aware of,  and what their ages are.

5) I need to be involved without being controlling.

6) Make time just for her, just because I want to spend time with her. I enjoy her company.

7) Help her find a sense of purpose by telling her what her strengths are, and what I admire about her.

8) Praise her and compliment her; critique things she does without harsh or mean criticism of her.

9) Teach her skills that will help her fit into society in a healthy way.

10) Help her value herself so she will make decisions that will be healthy and beneficial.

11) Don’t say negative things about her behind her back. When I share information out of frustration or as a prayer request, she knows about it and what I have said.

12) Don’t side with someone who calls her a liar. She isn’t always completely truthful with me, but I have never, ever known her to lie to someone, outright. And, even if I thought she did lie, we would deal with that in private and she would apologize to the person face-to-face. I will not take sides against my daughter.

13) Teach her the “why” behind each piece of instruction, guidance or advice.

14) Make sure she knows I separate her from her actions, decisions and mistakes. She is not what she does.

15) Let her wear my shoes and clothes sometimes. There is just something uniquely bonding about this with my daughter.

16) Don’t attack her for, or say harsh, mean things about, what I view as faults. My view is only one perspective, but she gets her cues at self-confidence from me.

17) Make sure she knows beyond any shadow of doubt, every single day, that I love her, cherish her, and my life is better because she’s in it.

18) I am careful to not expose her to things she’s not old enough to be able to process with an informative maturity. Raising children is like growing plants in some ways: I wouldn’t throw a rose-bush out into a blizzard just because I was tired of it being in the house and it’s too expensive to buy it food and soil. The same with my daughter: there will be no cut-off time for her, we won’t force her out of the house by a certain age. My hope is that we will help her become confident and prepared when the time comes for her to begin a new phase of life apart from us. I’m in no rush for that day, but I also won’t hold her back from embracing it.

19) Give her a healthy view of marriage. I think this is one of the best gifts my husband and I can give to our children, especially our daughter. As she sees how her dad treats me, and how I treat him, she will be able to discern the right relationship for herself. It’s so important for her to understand God’s perspective in marriage, because the world’s perspective brings no peace, no comfort, no health, and no longevity.

20) Make sure she has a firm foundation in Christ, while I encourage her in her own relationship with God, but don’t criticize when she doesn’t do things the same as me, or she isn’t passionate about the same things with God and church that I am. She is uniquely formed by God, and I trust Him to lead her in the direction that He has planned for her.

I hope I can pass on things that she will pass on to her own daughter someday, and so on, and so on…

My desire above everything is to bless my daughter. When a mother curses her daughter with negatives and harsh criticism, it affects every relationship and interaction she has, negatively. My hope is in blessing her it will do the exact opposite. I can already see some positive fruit from things people say to me about her, and how she is treated by her peers.

American, Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Set-Up To Fail

jem

Have you watched the show “Everybody Loves Raymond“? In the episode where Marie, the mother-in-law, teaches Debra, the daughter-in-law, how to make meatballs, Marie purposely hides the wrong spice behind a label of the correct spice, and they end up tasting horrible. Debra was made to look incompetent. We laugh, but it has a ring of truth to it. We all know someone who has either experienced it, or has done it to us. Maybe we have done that to someone else.

Set-up to fail. The phrase alone packs quite a punch!

It’s something I have become more aware of in many aspects of life and relationships. I see evidence of it within our government, in the media, as well as in various personal relationships.

It feels lousy when I realize someone has done that to me. When I don’t meet certain expectations within a time-frame that just doesn’t work for me. When Grace is not extended if I make a mistake, forget, or can’t get to something. When an expectation is unrealistic.

I fail.

It seems to me that sometimes we think that God does that with us. When something good in our lives is removed, how often do we blame Him? When a promotion falls through, when a career ends, when illness, accident or disaster strikes, sometimes our very first thought is that God set us up to fail. Not in those words maybe, but the idea is the same. He gives good things, allows good things, just so He can take them away when we don’t do good enough… We get angry with God.

Except, He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t withhold good things from us just because we don’t perform well for Him or do enough “works”.

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father …

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, What life has taught me

When Trust is Gone

jem

Trust does not come easy for me.

As a young girl, I searched for someone I could trust to bare my soul to. It was years of being alone and afraid before I finally found someone who would listen, and not repeat what I told them, who didn’t treat me nice to my face while saying horrible things behind my back.

Maybe you can imagine the disappointments I have experienced. I grieve the loss of trust more than the loss of loved ones.

Recently I became aware of someone bad-mouthing me, someone I thought I could trust. The hurt cuts deeply, down into my soul. What do I do now? Sometimes, I push people out of my life when the trust tests fail. If they treat me coldly after I share my heart with them, then I close the trust door and lock them out. If they tell others what I share in confidence, out they go. My intolerance for failed trust creates a wall of separation to protect me from making the mistake of trusting them again.

When I see signs of gossip, slander, back-stabbing and bad-mouthing others, I stay away.

As deep as intolerance runs, forgiveness fills the void intolerance creates. Because of Jesus, I have been enabled to forgive. I am able to be wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove, withdrawing myself from future issues, now knowing the damage this person has caused, and will cause in the future. All I can do is withdraw my trust, let God count my losses of reputation, and grieve the relationship I believed we had.

Now, who will I talk with?

Fiddlesticks-Fanart The devil uses our tongue like a scythe cutting through hay, destroying trust, reputations and opportunities for God to work beyond what we can even imagine. There is a reason the scythe is often portrayed with the demonic.

I am desperate for God to build others up through my words. Why is it so difficult to find people who are like-minded and trustworthy?

I try to live by Proverbs 11:13 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.”~ESV

I am so thankful I have God to hand my hurts to. He tends to them carefully and lovingly. But, how I wish people were easier to trust, and cautious to guard that trust.

James 3:2-10   “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 28_32_90---Scrap-Timber-Fire--Darlington--County-Durham_webAnd the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. …” ~ESV

Christian Thoughts, Walking With God

Wounded Reality

jem

thThere is a phrase in our society I have heard quite a bit. It’s “victim mentality.” I often hear, “Don’t be a victim.” “You’re not a victim.” There is a growing disdain for those victimized who don’t handle the aftermath the way society thinks they should: Jump back into life like it never happened. Forgive and forget. Act “normal”.

There is a complete phase of victim-hood that seems to get ignored: having been wounded.

Supposedly victims of rape, incest, emotional and mental abuse, and other things are supposed to lick their wounds and fit right in with everyone in society. They are supposed to heal their own wounds, invisible to everyone else so maybe that makes the wounds seem nonexistent or unimportant. If they are a Christian, they should expect that God will heal all their wounds without anyone else, they “just need to trust Him”, “need to have faith”. When it doesn’t work out “perfect”, then the wounded are accused they “don’t have enough faith”.  Maybe it’s not the fault of the wounded at all. Maybe the members of their church lack compassion. Biblical compassion.

I don’t expect much from the Godless world, they don’t know any better, but they do actually demonstrate a bit more kindness than we Christians sometimes do. I submit to you that within the Body of Christ , there are times we are wounding our wounded by placing unrealistic expectations on them, sometimes we even neglect their actual need. God created people to need people. So, why is the Church sometimes dismissive of the very real needs the wounded have? Why do we tend to see those wounded as whiners, “needy”, or ridiculous? Where is our compassion?

I don’t see this in every church, or even the one we are part of now, but, over the past three decades, I have seen this many times.

Physical wounds need the help of others to be stopped, repaired and healed. Someone applies pressure to stop the bleeding. Someone rescues someone from the vehicle of an accident. An ambulance takes the “victim” – wounded – to the hospital where an entire team and staff work to save the life, repair the damage and stop the bleeding. Careful instructions are given to the wounded victim, and follow-up appointments are made. Prescriptions and bandages are given.

Shouldn’t the Church be more like a hospital? What one-on-one care is given? Who stops the bleeding of the wounded heart, the mind and emotions? Who applies the healing balm? Who helps with the repairing, and the healing? Who gives the prescriptions of Scriptures, and bandages of prayers and encouraging words? Obviously Christians know the answer is the Holy Spirit. But, who are the willing vessels He works through?

I hope I am.

The last thing that wounded people need to feel is left alone to find their own healing. Church, The Body of Christ, is unique from everything in that we give and we get, as members. It’s when things are unbalanced and the giving is stressed, but the getting can tend to be neglected, or vice-versa, that it becomes dysfunctional. I think there should be a healthy balance of both hospital-like and service for God, but maybe my own expectations are too high. At any rate, I see such a need that my heart aches to help fill. I hope others see it, too.

Christian Thoughts, Uncategorized, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Reflex Defense Mechanisms – The Ambitions of a Survivor

jem

004 Years ago when my husband and I were shopping in a little store on Okinawa after having been at a Church service,  David accidentally dropped his huge, heavy Bible on my foot. Before I even realized what was happening, I swung my arm around and popped him a good one on his back. I was so embarrassed! He and I burst out laughing as I apologized profusely. However: the Okinawan people in the store did not share our humorous moment, and they looked pretty shocked which added to my embarrassment.

I have quite a few, what I call, reflex defense mechanisms (rfd’s). After a variety of tough life situations, I figured out how to adapt, and in most cases, overcome by using these.  I also have quite a few that I tamed over time. For the longest time, I had a sharp tongue that, at the first sign of danger or trouble,  swung into action and sliced with depth and precision. Now, I do my best to speak encouragement, healing and positive words into the lives around me.

In another constant rfd, more than just a reaction or reflex, I troubleshooted every possible situation I could think of and figured out how I would/could protect myself, stand up for myself, and escape. There wasn’t anyone to rescue me in my scenarios, just me frantically figuring out how to escape and survive. That was a result of PTSD.

I didn’t listen to what I viewed as unwanted advice, (because I already had it all figured out, you know). I knew what was best for me… God has also tamed that in me. He showed me in His Word how being stubborn stifled His Holy Spirit speaking into my life. He also showed me how many of my rfd’s kept me from receiving His help. If I thought I knew better than God… well, I learned the importance of listening to Godly advice from others, whether I think I need to hear it or not. I don’t want to shut out God’s Spirit speaking into my life, in any way, ever.

While I believed those rfd’s kept me safe, they didn’t, even though I certainly prepared for much of the worst!

I didn’t know that I could count on God to rescue me as I called upon the Name of Jesus. He rushed in like a flood, made a clear path for me to safely walk, and prepared a new future for me.

Now, I have peace of mind. I can, and I do, trust God to protect me, to help me survive, and if I don’t survive I know my soul will be with God for all of eternity. God is my Defender, my Protector, my Provider: He is my Rock. He has my back. He rescued me when I called upon Him, and He delivered me from my old life, made the way for me to live free and peaceful. Now, no matter what is going on, I have peace that lives inside of me, and I know I can rely on God. What a tremendous difference that has made! God sees ahead of me,  behind me, and He sees those blind spots that I’m unaware of. I know that whoever comes up against me will have to answer to God, He will hold all accountable for what has been done to me in my past or will come against me in the future, and I have let go of any need for revenge. I still have some rfd’s I may not even be aware of as God peels back those complex, calloused layers life has helped form. He reveals the hidden ones and removes their trigger points, bringing a healing and a restoration to replace them. I can leave it all in God’s capable Hands.

1Corinthians 2:9
“That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” ” ~New Living Translation

 

A Mom's Perspective, American, Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

Getting Our Attention, and Missed Opportunities

jem

Jami's ipad 026

If you have children, then you understand what I am saying when I tell you my mind is exhausted from the attention grabbing attempts of my kids. I have 4, and they all want my attention, they even compete for it at times. When my dog climbs into my lap, my 2 year old will rush over and try to push him off, climb into my lap for just a minute, then climb back down. He has to let the dog know who owns my lap, already showing 10150407652477456signs of that male conquering spirit, lol.

Each of my kids has their own way of getting my attention, and we have a method we call the “interrupt rule” that they are supposed to follow (put a hand on my shoulder or arm and wait until I can give my full attention), but of course they often forget to follow it. My daughter,  DaBee , will text me questions and pictures she takes with her phone, or come over to where I am and start talking 111940127455about whatever comes to mind. She gets excited and shows me pictures she draws, or things she sews. She is so talented! My oldest boy, “Jonenator Dude” (JD), he waits until I am alone to talk about his different collections. JD can also be competitive  with the others and try to demand I give him my full attention. I am teaching him how important it is to be considerate and patient, some days those aren’t easy lessons to teach. My middle boy, “Little Red” (LR), he often copies his older brother, or tries to get my attention away from JD, in order to show me his latest drawing or tell me about his Lego creation or a game he’s excited about playing. My 2 year old, “Doctor Oo!” (DO),  lately he will stand behind me and put his hands on my cheeks or in my hair. Sometimes he just sits next to me and takes hold of my hand. He loves to be playful and show me his toys by pretending to shoot me with them, or holding them up close in my face, and often I don’t mind at all.

But, I have learned from past mistakes. Those times when I have been too busy to look up and listen, or when distracted and frustrated, I pushed them away… I can’t get those opportunities back. I lost out.

72083967455As God’s child, I don’t feel I have to try to get His attention. But, I’ve been thinking about how I become aware of God trying to get my attention. How many times have I missed Him during my distracted daily activities, or when I’m frustrated by something or someone? When do I become aware, then give Him my full attention?

Sometimes, I have a song or a verse on my mind that woos my attention to Him. Sometimes I have a sudden urge to pray about something specific, or for someone specific. At times a subject comes to mind with a sadness that overwhelms my spirit and I can’t help but pray and seek God on behalf of what He places on my heart.

I am desperate to not miss Him, to not miss an opportunity to pray or speak into someone’s life, or just be available in the way He impresses on my heart. Except when I’m distracted by the cares of this life. Then I miss Him.

But, because I am distracted, I don’t miss that I miss Him.

That makes my heart sad, when I take the time to let myself think deep on that.

Isaiah 55:6 “Seek the LORD while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.” (NASB)

Christian Thoughts, Walking With God, What life has taught me

You’re Almost There…. Why Did You Stop?

jem

Have you ever tried to talk someone through something, blindly? Just like a blind person has to rely on other senses, talking someone through something you can’t see also requires the same. A blind person relies more on their sense of smell, their sense of touch, and their sense of hearing than a seeing person does. Talking someone through something you can’t see, but you know what the outcome should be, and you understand how to get there, it’s very similar. To be helpful, you have to rely more on your patience and understanding for sure. But, most importantly is your ability to communicate in a way they can relate to and follow easily, as well as your willingness to listen and demonstrate graciousness and consideration.

Last night I told my son to clean a mess he has been neglecting: the hay that falls out of our bunny’s cage. He didn’t want to, and in his frustration he did something that caused him to hurt himself. Nothing serious, but it would have been avoided had he not reacted with frustration. So, then, that started a chain reaction of his getting more frustrated, which caused him to push my frustrated button. But, instead of giving in to it, I let him just continue to react, because I wanted my husband to see what I sometimes deal with when he isn’t around. After a few minutes of loud growls, a little stomping, and vocal complaints, my husband snuck upstairs to observe, then interact with him. In his frustration, he neglected to follow some of my instructions, and also wisdom gained from past experience, and he clogged the vacuum, which gave fuel to more frustration. Since his dad was outside of the situation, he was able to handle it much calmer than I was. The situation was resolved, the mess cleaned up (for the most part), and he and I talked things out and worked through it without arguing. Peace is such a beautiful thing!

It’s difficult to communicate in a way that is received well and respectfully, heard accurately, and is easy to follow. Like the old example of explaining how to make a pb and j sandwich to someone who has never made one. It’s a funny, realistic, eye-opening way to see how people follow what you are saying. Sometimes it’s not how you say it but how someone hears it. It takes trial and error.

Recently, I was working with a loved one trying to honestly help them with something and make it as easy as possible, blindly over the phone. I had the picture in my head and the knowledge of what should have been the outcome, but something entirely unexpected happened instead. I realize it was time to step back and wait for them to be ready to try again. Working frustrated does nothing to help any situation.

I have this picture of God doing this with us. He knows the direction we need to go in, and He is communicating through various methods: His Word, Godly people, to our spirit as we seek Him, even through nonbelievers. Are we listening? I can see Him encouraging us, gently giving us instructions, excitedly explaining what to do, where to go, what to say…. And I see Him asking “Why did you stop? You are so close to hitting the mark! You are almost an overcomer. Don’t give up! I can see what the outcome will be, just follow the sound of My voice, just do as I instruct. You can do this! I have full confidence in You! You are so close…..”

What areas do you see where your own communication skills can be honed? What areas can you improve your listening?

Most importantly: have you faltered in following after God? He is our Help in times of frustration and trouble.

Amen?

Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, What life has taught me

My Dad (A Soggy Account)

jem

Here is my dad David was able to get a picture tod

Well, what can I say about my dad? Where do I start? I guess I will introduce him to you.

He is James Roy Bennett Jr. He is the oldest of 3 children, the only boy, and both his parents have passed away. He’s a musician (plays/played the guitar, sings, and wrote his own songs, including one for me called Jami Michelle). He’s a disabled Vietnam era Veteran. He grew up under tough circumstances, in a tough house. Worse than many, but not as bad as it could have been.

I know 4 sides to my dad. The first side is tender. I remember him singing the song he wrote for me when I was very young, probably about 3. I don’t have many memories before the age of 10, but time, and God I believe, have been kind to me and allowed me to remember some good things that my heart holds valuable.

The second side is angry. While I was growing up, my dad faced so many obstacles, both because of his disability and lack from his own childhood. He didn’t handle things well, and for that reason I hated him for a very long time. He made choices that hurt me, and he was unapproachable.

The 3rd side is hilarious. He told the funniest jokes and usually had us laughing wildly on road trips. We played 20 questions for hours, sang “Jingle Bells” as he beeped it on the car horn through tunnels, and giggled insanely at his playing on words. He could also be crude and inappropriate, which made me so uncomfortable, but the fun stuff made all the traveling worth it.

The 4th side is vulnerable. I have seen my dad at his weakest, and because I was able to forgive him, that caused me to feel protective towards him. I’ve seen him in grave condition with a ventilator helping him stay alive, much like I’m sure he is now. He thumbed his nose at death then. I’m not sure he’ll do that this time.

Listening to others talk about their relationship with their dad has always made me feel cheated and even jealous. I wish I had my dad encouraging me, cheering for me, and playfully interacting with his grandchildren. We have all been robbed. He’s lived in nursing homes and hospital care since 2003. Military life has kept us at quite a physical distance from him while our relationship has kept us at an emotional one. My kids know the fun things about their Grandpa Jim, and a little about his strictness. They don’t know the man I grew up fearing and hating. My daughter has her own tender memories of my dad from when she was 3, but none of the fearful ones I have purposefully shielded her from. I see no purpose is telling his grandchildren the negative things, I won’t pass on my burdens about him to them. They deserve fun, happy memories.

I said my good-byes and made peace in my heart as we traveled back from Okinawa in 2009, not knowing if he would have passed on or clung to life by the time we landed. It’s been in the back of my mind that he will die at some point. So, it surprises me that I am having such a tough time dealing with it now. It surprises me that my heart is broken that he will probably never meet his youngest grandson and get to see his smile light up the room, or get to hear his crazy laughter. My boys won’t have the fun memories that our daughter has, won’t hear his silliness about things like driving over painted warnings, him yelling, “Watch out! A head!”

The “best” of my dad will be passed on as the condensed version, instead of experienced by them firsthand, while the worst will remain in the past, not known by them at all. I think that envelopes the meaning of “honoring your parents in the Lord“.  God didn’t add, “if you think they deserve it” to that commandment.

 

A Loving Wife's Perspective, A Mom's Perspective, American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, What life has taught me

How Have You Grown?

jem

I was inspired to write this by this blog:
http://thingstoadore.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/and-before-you-know-it/

There is nothing like becoming a mom and being responsible for the lives of our little ones who are so vulnerable and completely dependent on us, to make us both grow, and grow up.

I became a mom at 29. I had almost 3 decades to learn how to be selfish and think about “mememe”. My transition to momhood was ugly. My life before marrying a Godly man was all about my survival, my being independent and responsible, my working hard. I can count on one hand the number of people who sincerely had my back or even cared whether I survived. Transferring that mindset into taking care of a baby, especially after not being around babies much at all, I was a huge mess. I didn’t have family nearby to help me, and I didn’t have the benefit or experience from a healthy relationship with my own parents. I did have my Grandma to confide in, and I had an amazing husband that God provided for me, who supported me, believed in me, and continually shows me kindness I often feel undeserving of.

The first 2 weeks of my first baby’s life were the hardest and scariest of my entire life, and believe me, that is saying a lot. She lost a full pound after being born a month early, and I was trying to learn how to breastfeed her. Thankfully I had encouragement from people at church to not give up breastfeeding. I am so very glad I pushed through. She finally started gaining weight at 2 weeks, and we had some rough times, like clumsily trying to feed her in public and getting a yeast infection in my milk ducts. She is 13 now, and she’s one of the best accomplishments of my life, and a reminder of how much God changed my life when she was born. When she was born, the “mom” me was born. As a mom, she and I are both 13, and trust me, we both have some seriously real “adolescent” days.

Over the past almost 15 years of marriage, God has used His Word to instruct me to not be anxious for anything, to cast all of my cares on Him, and that no matter what, I can lean on Him and He will make all of my pathways clear. He has never failed, He has never given up on me, and I know there is nothing I can’t trust Him with. I have grown as a Believer.

I have grown as a wife. When we first married, I had all sorts of expectations of what I believed a Christian marriage would/should be. I was previously married to a nonbeliever. It was a disaster, and I know it was because of God’s protection over me, in my ignorance and desperation to just have someone who would love me, that I’m alive today. He delivered me from that marriage that I clung to when my ex decided one day he wanted a divorce, but I wouldn’t grant him one. Until I read Scripture, and I heard God in my spirit tell me it was ok to let him go. So, I joined my new husband 6 years later, with God’s permission to remarry, with hopes, plans and expectations. All of those either died out or were changed by God. I learned to relax when things feel out of control, spinning ahead of what I feel ready for, because God knows everything, and I can just lean back on Him, rest, and trust. Being married to a Christian has both defied and soared beyond my expectations.  We don’t pray together about everything, we don’t sing and play praise and worship songs together all the time, we don’t always have it all together with perfect smiles on our faces and lots of Christian friends who adore us, we don’t have popular Bible studies and prayer meetings in our home every week, and we have never gone on mission trips as a family like my heart still longs to do. Yeah, my picture guess was way off from our reality, lol. I’m not “Suzy Homemaker”. I’m a military spouse who has almost no control over any area of decisions or plans, the military takes care of all of that for both of us. I have learned to be content during some pretty intense times, but I’m still learning, and I fail at “content” pretty much every day in one way or another.

I have grown as a daughter. I have a new lens on my “hindsight” indicator. I no longer look through it as a daughter, but I look through it as one who has a daughter. There are things my mom did that I have made sure not to do. There are things I cringe every time I do or say. There are things I am careful to do, and I’m sure there are things I wish I had done, though I can’t think of any off-hand. I learned a lot from my Grandma that I didn’t learn from my own mom. There have also been times when anger or tears pop in because of things I missed out on or was robbed of in my own relationship with my parents. I have had much forgiving to do, needed much grace to apply, and tempered with love much disappointment and frustration. God has helped me to be a better mom to my children than I ever could have been without His compassion and help.

It’s amazing to me when I look back over all of the events of the past decade and a half, just how much “growing” God has accomplished in me while I was distracted by my life’s moments. I still have a lot of growing to do, but wow: God sure has been busy in me!

In what ways have you grown?

A Loving Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, What life has taught me

Irregular Frustration With Realistic Expectations

jem

In the civilian, real world, when you go to the doctor and get told you need surgery, you schedule the date, make the necessary preparations, work things out with your boss and loved ones when you schedule the date, and you go get your surgery done.

In the military, under normal circumstances, you discuss things with your supervisor, fill out necessary paperwork to be sent up your chain of command to be either approved or disapproved, then schedule accordingly. So imagine our frustrated surprise that it’s after 4 p.m. the day before my husband‘s surgery has been scheduled, and his convalescent leave still has not been approved. His Chief is still talking with people, trying to get someone to step up and fill my husband’s shoes, so he can get what he needs done. His commander is risking losing my husband completely, because of the pain he’s in and the screws in one foot can break at any time. I see the pain he is in, and it makes me both very angry that his leadership cares so little about him, and it makes me cry.

So, I’m not a bit afraid to say: fireworks are about to go off. I am going to explode in a fit of frustrated concern on someone who can make a difference. At this point, weighing the consequences: repercussions because his leadership will have no question of who is stirring stuff up, versus my husband’s crippling pain: I think I honestly just don’t even care. Someone needs to be informed of what is happening here. This will be the third time his surgery is being put off, because of “Air Force needs”. Well, the Air Force NEEDS to fix my husband, or they are crippling their own mission.

Ok, now the Christian part of me is kicking in. I have prayed off and on, I have trusted God to help make the way for this to happen. My husband is humble and kind. He puts others before himself. He has put the Air Force before this need for years now, but now it’s their turn to make his well-being the priority. He has given and given, and he can’t keep being the only one to give.  His leadership obviously does not have anything of God in them, or they would be listening to the Holy Spirit on the issue. I trust that God is concerned for my husband, and He will provide for all of his needs.

I just wish the Air Force would live up to their end. Things have really gotten rotten in the past 4 years.

Update: As of about 6:45 p.m., our God has indeed come through for my husband!! So very thankful for the Chief God has put in place at this time. She fought all day to get his command to sign the convalescent leave form. He is getting the surgery.

Some battles are worth fighting for both in prayer and in action, we can’t give in and give up the fight, when the need is so great.

A Loving Wife's Perspective, A Mom's Perspective, American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, What life has taught me

Who Controls Your Time?

jem

This is painfully honest, but it’s “real”.

There are some days when I have a heightened sense of awareness concerning how very little control and input I have in my daily life’s circumstances. I am writing this as I sit in our one vehicle waiting for my husband to finish something he’s volunteered to do for our church. I have no issues with his having volunteered. What I am continually frustrated about are my lack choices in my own life. Some days it’s apparent that nothing about my life is about me.

As a Christian, I remind myself that that’s the way my life is supposed to go. Putting others before myself. This is the “season” I am in, and the lesson of learning to be content in all things, it’s a doozy some days.

As a military spouse and veteran, I remind myself that serving our country is an honor. Supporting my husband as he serves, is some days a more difficult sacrifice than my own military service was. He has people telling him what to do and where to be pretty much every minute of his work day. He’s scheduled for meetings without any communication with him about it, and he has no say, nor does he even get to take real vacation time. There is often little to no consideration or concern for how his work affects his home life, by his leadership. He wasn’t issued a family, so his family isn’t important to them. I do my best to keep things under control at home, but I have reached a near breaking point a few times since we moved to this assignment 1 year ago. Service before self, that’s what is expected, even from military families. When he gets orders just days before he’s sent away, I just have to go through the motions of having it all together. If I’m sick or stressed, it doesn’t matter, his duty comes before my life, in every way possible. That’s just the way it is. When he flies, I drop him off so I won’t be without the car if he gets stuck somewhere over night, or for several days. Everything revolves around his schedule, and truth be told: I don’t often feel much like running errands just because his work schedule makes our car available for me to actually go somewhere.
I cannot plan anything. When he comes home from work, he tries not to bring his frustration home too, and he plays with the kids when he can. Sometimes he lays down and falls asleep. Ok, lots of times he does that. I get the leftover exhaustion that’s a result of all the junk he deals with, or exhaustion from his flying 6-10 hours a day.

As a home educating mom, I remind myself that my kids educational needs are priority. They have to learn, we have to stick to a schedule to fit in the State mandated number of hours required, even though the school system certainly doesn’t follow that guideline very strictly. The school system gives kids 5 days off over Valentine’s Day and Presidents Day, alone. My kids can’t take that amount of time off without having to make up time over a weekend or extra long schooldays. Even though they will beg me to go play with their friends, they have to do schoolwork, because of those mandated hours I signed my name before a Notary Republic agreeing to enforce. Normally I enjoy the kids staying home to learn, but I honestly despise that box of “time” everyday that this state has inflicted on us. I have consistently been strict concerning their education from day 1 of their schooling, that mandate is unnecessary, and it’s too restricting.

I have no one to talk to that really understands where I’m coming from. There is nothing that is about “me”, at all right now. When people ask what I like to do, I’m at a loss. I don’t even know anymore. I try to write, but I’m only motivated by getting stuff off of my chest, encouraging others one-on-one, or politics. I play my violin for church sometimes, but that’s another part of my life that is scheduled for me, which isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but when I look at the whole picture, I just get overwhelmed by how lost I am in everyone’s scheduling that affects me but isn’t ever about me. I very much want to play my violin and bless others, just some days I feel crushed by “overwhelm”. Thankfully God never lets it really crush me, and He gives me the strength to get out from under it, and rise above it. I am no good at anything without God’s help.

Nothing about my life is my own right now. I sometimes stay up too late just to get peace and quiet time to myself, but that comes with a price, too. I cannot ever get away from responsibility, or everything being planned for me while not including me in the planning.

I just follow the schedule.

A Mom's Perspective, American, An Honest Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood, Uncategorized, What life has taught me

America the Great

jem

Life. Liberty. The Pursuit of Happiness. The American Dream. This is how America was described to me as I was growing up.

I was taught to love and appreciate the country I was blessed to be born into. I was taught to be a giver, and to fight the need to be given to. I was taught to have a sense of pride, and even a touch of arrogance, about being an American, because I live in the greatest country in the world. I was told to love my neighbor as myself.

The definition of neighbor seems to vary among individuals.

Neighbor, to some, means the people in our neighborhoods. To some, it means friends. For some, it includes people at work, school, church, or those we interact with as we enjoy our hobbies and our lives. For some, they also include other nations as our neighbors.

For me, the title of neighbor has grown to include the homeless, the person standing alone at a gathering, the child whose parents would rather they go play than stay home, and the person across the world being persecuted for what they believe, or rather, what they have rejected to take on as a belief.

American Pride often keeps us looking at the things we value, that look good on the surface, but rarely does it acknowledge those within our nation that are the least desirables. At best, we touch those subjects with a few glancing words giving a shallow appearance of compassion, while moving on to a more comfortable subject like football, or how many medals we won in the Olympics this year. American Pride give homage to what looks pretty on the outside, while skirting issues that don’t reflect pride or even the pretty. For example, the way our war heroes are treated, often neglected, if they don’t find the successful path that ends up in a house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 children, that have become entwined with our definition of “American Exceptionalism”.

Years ago, when I was placed in another country, I went with my American Pride and touch of arrogance. I had been taught being an American meant I was the best, that I was better than other people. I learned pretty fast, that I had been taught wrong. I learned that even though we have this great respect for ourselves, other people in the world, well honestly, they hate us. They don’t think we are great, they don’t rejoice with us that we were born in the greatest country in the world. No, they don’t respect us, they don’t even like us.

I learned that people are people no matter what country they live in, and when we attempt to define them by their country of origin, we are missing the big picture. I learned to appreciate what those in my host country of Japan, the Okinawan people, placed value on, not trying to Americanize them, but embracing their culture and learning to interact with them, even in a limited way, in their own language.

I found that people want you to meet them where they are, and find things in common with them that they love, that honor them. I realized that putting people above America was more important than trying to get them to be more like an American. I learned that something as simple as saying, “Thank you.” in their language meant more to them than just about anything I could do or even give them.

I came to love the people of another country, and even respect them as much, sometimes even more, than those in my own country. I grew to appreciate and sincerely value the true humility I saw in them and in their everyday lives. I gathered as much knowledge and information as I could about the area I lived in, so I could understand them better, and so I could be effective when I prayed for them, from my heart.

I gained a new perspective and clearer sight. My neighbor is everyone, no matter what their station in life, or what their nationality or belief. And, I learned how to love them as myself, even more than myself.

America is an amazing country, full of opportunities, hope, and generosity. I love my country, my heritage and my life. But now I also love people everywhere far above my love for my country.

Christian Thoughts, Nuggets I Learned from my Childhood

Living out Titles and Roles

jem

Throughout our lives, we acquire many titles that attempt to define us. I have been given several: daughter, wife, mother, violinist, Mrs…

I am the wife of my husband, my life has been molded under that title, by that title, by God’s, my husband’s and society’s definition of “wife”, but the way it’s lived out is different than how other wives live it out. I am not molded by any other woman’s husband to fit the title of wife. I am not the mother of any other children than my own, I don’t discipline other children in the same way that I discipline my own. The title of wife and mother does not define my role in other relationships the same way it defines me with my own husband and children.

In the same regard, I have been molded to fit under the title of Christian. Within that one title, are many roles: sister, Godly, Christ-like, encourager, worshiper, intercessor, forgiven, and so many others.

When I consider how I am a child of the Living God, it can sometimes feel overwhelming. It isn’t just a title, it is part of every aspect of who I am. It’s part of being a wife, mother, daughter, and violinist. I now have a responsibility to be an ambassador for God, to be an accurate representative of His Patience, His Forgiveness, His Love, His Peacemaking. That title extends out to everyone I ever interact with. I am a Child of the Living God. There is continuous molding going on under the surface, every situation is used to mold and shape me into a more clear likeness of Jesus Who modeled God in human form perfectly. My reactions to things are not God’s reactions to things as His ways are higher than mine. As His child, I have the responsibility to make sure I am teachable, not resisting Godly correction from those God places in my life to help me walk in His ways. I have the responsibility to make sure my behavior points the way to God, Glorifying Him, but not embarrassing Him or causing others to not consider coming to Him. I have the overwhelming responsibility to reflect Jesus, and not deflect people from seeking Him.

People aren’t going to turn to Him in times of trouble because I tell them they need to and I one-up them with His Word. They are going to seek Him out because they see His Kindness, Gentleness, Love, and concern for them in their situations. They will be drawn to Him through His perfect Peace within me.

I wonder what aspects of God are recognizable to others in my own life.

A Loving Wife's Perspective, A Mom's Perspective, Christian Thoughts

Worth the Effort

jem

We have all seen those “funny” television shows with the background laughter letting us all know we should find whatever is being said or done funnier than anything we have ever seen or heard before. You know the shows, where someone thinks something else is happening, but ends up being completely, even embarrassingly, wrong? I always wonder what would happen if they would just talk. To each other. But, where is the “fun” in that, right?

My husband and I try to sincerely talk about as much as possible, to avoid miscommunications and tense situations. While on televisions those can be hilarious, in marriage for real, not so much.
He and I have been co-parenting our children for as long as 13 years. 12 years ago, communication was so easy, and tons of fun. We have developed our own family “language” over the years as a result of all the cute words the kids have made up in learning how to communicate with us. Now, it’s hard not to wish we had skipped that whole “teaching them to talk” stuff. The sarcasm, the back-talk, the arguing with each other… Many times the problems that rise up would have been headed off before they began, if they would communicate more with us and with each other. I hope I can get that point across to them, it will make their own lives so much easier.

Getting past miscommunicating is an art anymore, I think. Not many people seem to want to put the effort necessary into avoiding miscommunicating, or working past misunderstandings, anymore. They are too busy, and just don’t care how their lack of effort sometimes hurts other people.

I think people are worth the effort. I hope they think I am worth the effort, too.

A Loving Wife's Perspective, Christian Thoughts

Husbands and Wives

jem

This is deeply on my heart after talking with someone who walked out on his wife and kids. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.”
Ephesians 5:25-26

Do those words really hold any meaning for Christian marriages in today’s American society?

Is it husbands versus wives? I know it can feel that way at times, when we don’t see eye to eye, when tension is high, when the kids are fighting and the stress of just trying to make it through each day tears at the very heart of every issue we face.

This man complained to me that his wife hasn’t been handling things perfectly since he walked out and is now with another woman. He blames the one he left, but he doesn’t see how his leaving set her up for failing. He doesn’t see how his walking away has torn her in half, as they were one flesh. Husbands often don’t understand the emotional toll it takes on their other half when they are unfaithful, when they are not supportive, when they are critical or judgement, when they are not kind…. when they do not love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her….

Christ gave up His own life so the church could live. How can a husband possibly compare himself to Christ loving the church? I think he can by purposefully putting her needs, and even wants, before his own. I think he can demonstrate Christ to her by being understanding, patient, kind, and not placing expectations of what his opinion of who and what she should be, on her.

That is a huge challenge.

My husband has taught me more about Christ’s love for the church than anyone else ever has.

It is possible.

God hates divorce. So, let’s stop doing what He hates, and put on the Lord Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband”

If we tear down our husband, we damage the core of who he is. If we mock him, make fun of him, treat him angrily… we are not helping our marriage be healthy and strong, we are pushing him away, causing his flesh to rise up and his heart to harden against us. If we treat our husband with patience, kindness, gentleness, love, respect, graciousness, like he’s the most important person in our earthly world… our husband will be more likely to want to love us as Christ loved the church. He will be more likely to listen, treat us with respect and dignity, I mean, if he is a Christian and he lives as a Christian. Unbelieving spouses will respond more positively to positive, loving, respectful treatment, and might be won over to Jesus.

The heat of the moment is never what it seems, and it often brings out things that aren’t there normally.

If we strive to rise above the temptation of our flesh to embrace the negative, often ugliness that beckons at our tempers and tongues when our emotions are high, then the world will see that difference, that empowerment from on high, to love and respect one another. Even in the bad times.

Let’s do those greater things that Jesus said we would do, starting in our marriages.

A Loving Wife's Perspective, A Mom's Perspective, Christian Thoughts, Uncategorized

The Power of Life and Death

jem

When things are changing, like life constantly seems to do, and tense moments take over our reactions and thoughts, our tongue can be our worst enemy. The phrase from Scripture in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit”, has been echoing through my thoughts all day.

It’s honestly a pretty rare thing for my husband and I to fight, I mean really fight. We snap on occasion, we argue, we disagree, but for the most part we don’t really fight. So, this past weekend while we are both going through so much in our own emotions about this whole stressful moving process, well, we got into an argument, and then a full on fight. And I realized: fighting with my best friend really just sucks.

I have been aware for sometime of the necessity to build others up because the world is constantly tearing us all down. And, sadly, it’s not just the “world”. It’s those closest to us who know our vulnerabilities, and in that heated moment of arguing, swoop down and sink their words into the jugular of our trust in them.  Seriously. Who doesn’t get into an argument and fight with every motivation of doing or saying everything possible to “win”?

It’s hard to rise above our tempers. It’s hard to forgive so things don’t build up.

Ephesians 4:26 says, “”In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” Anyone who knows me, knows that when there is a conflict, I try to talk things out both as soon as possible, and as thoroughly as possible. And, those who value me and any sort of relationship with me, they talk with me and pray with me. Because we cannot live at peace with someone when we are hurt or angry, and I sincerely do my very best to not ever let the sun go down on my anger, because then the sinning comes in the form of mean thoughts, hardness of heart towards the person things are unresolved with, all sorts of things. My mind and emotions become the Devil’s playground, and I don’t want the Devil anywhere near my thoughts or emotions.

I have lived and learned: no good comes from harboring anger or not acknowledging it. It leads to the death of relationships. It leads to the death of dreams. It leads to the death of being effective for Christ in our everyday lives.

There is no “winning” when there is death because of what we say and/or how we say it.

My daughter’s youth Pastor had her group do an activity where they hammered a nail through a piece of wood. Then he talked about how that wood was damaged. Sure the nail could be removed, but there would still be a hole. Then he told them that’s what our words can do. You can say something , and even apologize, but it still makes a “hole”. You cannot take back your words.

That’s definitely some “food for thought”.

 

Christian Thoughts

Unknown Future

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All too often happiness and being content are tied in with being prepared and informed. Well, for myself, anyway. So one of my greatest challenges as a military spouse has been ignoring all that stuff that makes me feel comfortable and at peace, and muddling my way through the unknown. It gets kind of scary sometimes, and if I did not have Jesus with me to help me and keep me company, it would be impossible.

Right now we are getting ready to be moved, but there isn’t a firm date. We are trying to make plans to see family, but with no firm moving date, we can’t make a firm “We’ll be there on….for….amount of time.” plans, so it doesn’t just affect us, it affects everyone who is close to us.
I like to know things, like dates, what to expect, and so on. I have never even been to the place we are moving to, and neither have our children. This is going to be an amazing, and kind of scary, change for us. What if we miss our flight? What if we fail our housing inspection? What if we are given wrong information? What if something changes and we aren’t informed? Everything hangs in the balance of communication and the expectations of others, we are at the mercy of others.

I think surrendering to God can be like that for us, sometimes. Is He really going to help us? Does He really hear us? Does He care? What if I miss Him? Is He dependable and will He really have mercy on  and demonstrate grace towards me?

Thinking about when Jesus returns, and all the changes that will take place when He does makes me realize I have a known future, but it’s also unknown because there are so many things I don’t understand, so many changes that will take place, and no matter how much I try to imagine what it will be like, I really just cannot know until that day.

I’m excited and a bit overwhelmed about our upcoming move. I can do my best to prepare myself and my children, but there are still a lot of unknowns.
I’m excited and a bit overwhelmed about the return of Jesus. No matter how much I try to “prepare”, the only real preparation I can do that will mean anything, is to draw near to Him while He still may be found. (Isaiah 55:6- Seek the LORD while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near.)

I think living as a military spouse has helped me in my spiritual growth in ways I never even realized. God sure does always provide for our needs, especially our spiritual needs.