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There is so much noise and bright lights, all around me. So many waving me over because they want my attention, my agreement, my subscription.

Everything is “good”, “on point”, “trending” within the circles of information, trying to swallow me up and pull me down into some new rabbit trail, some “key” “cutting edge” direction or ministry.

That’s not how God made me.

I can’t be anything but real.

Honestly, I don’t fully believe God is in all of that.

I know— “don’t worry, be happy.”

That might as well be the trending Christian mantra.

What I have learned in my lifetime experiences is— joy does not equal happiness.

Joy is released by God’s Spirit. Happiness is conditioned by human situations.

Happy just isn’t my season right now.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have happy moments, or that I don’t laugh.

I always have joy, because I always have Jesus.

I don’t buy into the whole positive happiness doctrine.

Perhaps if people looking into my life from the outside walked in my shoes while I was living through the various tough times, perhaps they would get it.

Maybe my circumstances helped form me differently.

Maybe some see me as deformed, or missing out on what they believe God has for me.

Maybe that isn’t really what God has for me.

I don’t view my world with rose-tinted glasses. I view my world through my eyes and my experiences.

I view my world through God’s corrective lenses— at least what He’s allowed me to look through.

When I was learning to drive, I was told to avoid the packs of cars.

I walk through life in much the same way.

Packs of people tend to be swayed in one direction or the other.

People are fallible.

God is not.

In order to stay the course He has me on, I need to stay on that narrow road, and not join in with the packs.

I hear God the clearest standing back away from all the noise and the bright lights.

Staying in contact, but keeping myself at a distance, so I don’t get sucked into wanting all those loud, fancy bells and whistles. Sometimes I will travel through a pack, sometimes I will touch base with them.

If God chooses to use His gifts through me, I surrender to Him.

But that might look much different to me than it may to others.

The weight of our world is tempting to try to lift as I pray, but only One has the government upon His shoulders— Jesus.

All I can do is pray, ask Him to help me know how to pray.

I love it when I pray, and then God confirms to me through others, or circumstances that I am following His Spirit’s lead.

That is humbling for me, and exciting.

If I’m standing in the noise, blinded by the bright lights— how can I ever really hear Him speak into my spirit? How can I recognize Him and see where He is at work?

We hear and see this everywhere in America— “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life…” This is the cornerstone of the foundation of the Body of Christ.

It’s no secret that there are a ridiculous amount of denominations, loftily disputing many ideas from various teachings within the Bible, each believing they have the “true, actual” understanding or interpretation.

I’m going to challenge all of that here. Because, going back to basics, simplifying the simple Gospel message, where we all need to join together is with John 3:16. That is the only key that opens up Salvation and reconciliation with God. None of the rest matters in the same light. Then, I will point out, the next step we all need to join together in is in the following verse— “…For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”

Why doesn’t the majority of the Body of Christ focus on this part?

Then, there is this verse— John 3:18 “He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.” Whoa! This makes all those gray areas completely clear— it’s already a settled issue! Should this cause us to treat others differently, depending on the Light of Truth that illuminates the condition of their soul, that is the path they are walking down?

If everything begins with the key, and the next two verses are then entwined into that crucial part of our foundation, then everything else becomes filtered through that. All the disputes and focuses of all those denominations, many resulting from church splits have nothing to do with John 3:16, 3:17, or 3:18.

In light of this, very few Christian denominational arguments against each another are solid— in my opinion. Very few of them have anything to do with how Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. Most are resulting from interpretations of Scripture that are minor details or personal preferences.

Everything we believe, everything we do or say should be filtered through John 3:16, and then John 3:17-18.

How far we have moved away from just that sweet simplicity of the Gospel of Truth.

God made me to be strong.

I’m not as physically strong as I once was, but emotionally He helps to keep me strong. He helps me exercise my emotional muscles through daily circumstances, and special circumstances that both test and increase that strength.

God designed me to be able to carry a lot.

When I look around, it sure appears that my load is much heavier than others– but I’m not a good judge of what others bear.

Often, while I am preoccupied with carrying my own stuff, He brings people to me that need help carrying their stuff too. Once in awhile, I am overwhelmed by the extreme weight of my own stuff, but often I’m distracted by the need other people have that God chooses to entrust me with to help them carry.

Today, I waver through feeling the heaviness of so many things, and remembering I am not alone in this life task. God is with me. Where He guides, He provides. Today I am reminded that His provision means that He is carrying me. I’m not going to break, because He has my back. He keeps my emotional state in balance, in check.

He does that, even when I don’t think to ask Him to, even when I don’t realize He is.

My path has been paved– carefully, lovingly, with His patience, His endurance, with His peace that defies all worldly understanding.

Today I am weak. He– in me– is strong.

To catch just a glimpse of what God is doing in the earth is an amazing privilege! He is busy, changing hearts and minds. He is actively working to bring about unity, undermining the enemies of humanity and of Himself, at every turn.

He is constantly aware of every heart’s cry, every tear shed behind closed doors.

He knows.

He sees.

He cares– more deeply than we could ever *get*.

When we are hurting, He gives us His comfort.

When we are lonely, He keeps His listening ears attentive.

When we are distracted, He is not.

We are the tallest trees in the forest.

He sees us.

He sees us.

More than just a glimpse.

He hears us.

He hears us.

More than just a slight whisper.

He is with us.

Always.

He provides for us.

He is our Maker, our Creator, our amazing Designer.

He’s taken great care and detail in all He put into our uniqueness.

He made us for Himself.

Sometimes others appreciate how He made us. Sometimes they do not.

God always admires His handiwork. He always admires His creativity and detail within us.

He always loves us.

If only we could catch a glimpse of Him admiring and adoring us, we would forever understand–

He will Never forsake us. Because we belong to Him. When we knock on the door, it is opened– and never closed on us. When we confess with our mouth that He is Lord– we are acknowledging what will never be changed. When we believe in our hearts that He died, was resurected after 3 days, and walked again with those who followed Him– and then He was taken up to Heaven to sit at God’s Right Hand, we believe eternal truth. He said He would be going to make a place for us. There is a place for us with Him in eternity, as His children. He made that for us. He’s put so much thought and effort into us.

How much have we put into Him?

“Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

For The Bible Tells Me So

Little Ones To Him Belong

They Are Weak, But He Is Strong

Yes Jesus Loves me

Yes Jesus Loves me

Yes Jesus Loves Me

The Bible Tells Me So.”

To catch a glimpse of what God sees– we would see our reflection in His eyes.

I’m getting older. I can’t deny it. I can stop counting years when I celebrate my birthdays, but I can’t stop aging– as much as I’d like to freeze a few years at a time. And, to make things even trickier– my birthdays happen so much faster than they used to!

My birthday was a few months ago, but it’s really just hitting me now– crap! I’m a year older, again! My mind feels 20 and my body is somewhere in the waaaay-older-than-that range.

I’m at a stage where I tend to reflect back over my life, remembering what I was like when I was younger. I don’t wish I were there again, and I’m realizing I’m not even the same person I was.

For starters, I’m a mom now of kids ranging from age 7 to age 19, with my oldest being a much more beautiful and just as stubborn version of someone much like I was– but way better than I ever was.

If I were to wish for any part of who I was to be part of who I am now, it would be the endless energy I had! I’m tired now– all the time! I was designed by God to be a survivor, fighting my way through difficulties and challenges that I do not miss. I had so much energy, so much motivation to be the best version of me I could be.

I’m not the same person that I was in my younger years. Each experience and phase I’ve passed through has been evolving me in metamorphosis that happens so slowly, so deceptively simple yet intricately detailed, I can’t catch it with my eyes. Except in hindsight. Only through the rear-view of my life, rewinding the years and events through my memory.

I went through years of self-hatred, believing the things perfunctory and critical people, who’s opinions I valued as much as I value the air I breathe and the water I drink, said to me and about me. For many years I heard the words my dad said to me, and they guided me into relationships where I believed them so deeply, I allowed others to be abusive because I didn’t believe I deserved better than that. Then I would have a moment of waking up, realizing that things didn’t have to be that way at all. I didn’t have to let myself be bullied, harassed or abused.

I was evolving into an independent woman who was learning her self-worth came from my opinion of myself, and the opinions of others did not shape me or choose my path for me.

Ultimately my God’s opinion of me pulled me out of some very dark places mentally and physically– certainly spiritually. He views me far differently than any human, and not at all like my dad did.

So– as I reflect back over my youth, and covet the energy I used to have, I wouldn’t want to change the path I’ve been on. There are situations and circumstances– and people– I do wish I could have avoided. But they helped propel me in many cases in the direction I followed, which led me onto the path I now walk with Jesus.

Forward is now where I need to set my view, with Jesus being the window I look through. I believe our world is speeding up to the end, that Jesus will be returning, and I need to get myself ready.

Now, instead of looking back over my younger days, I will focus on the child-like faith Jesus told us we need to have. I don’t have to give up youth, it’s just evolved into a different form now.

Mark 10:13-16 (NLT)

One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.

Have you ever been in situations where people glean off of your success, and get embarrassed by your failures?

Have there been people who change their treatment of you based on your performance or appearance?

Are there those in your life who have attached their ego to their expectation of you, and then communication becomes this one-way street where even if it’s physically impossible you are expected to elevate them? And if you fail– if you try to signal or explain why you are unable to– the transmission of pertinent information is incomplete or ignored?

Most people are allowed– even forgiven– for their mistakes. Most first-world people are afforded the the right to individual successes and respected with reciprocal dialogue.

I bear the scars of being crushed by expectations and egos of others. I’m not sure why that has been the case for me.

I’ve recognized how I’m treated differently when I fall short of getting them some glory versus when I hit that mark head-on.

People exhaust and overwhelm me. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is, and I believe God is opening my eyes to help me break free from unvocalized and unadmitted rejections I’ve experience far too often.

God’s glory is not attached to my perfection when the world’s spotlight singles me out. He’s not embarrassed when I fail, nor is He prideful when I succeed. He is always consistently the same with me, my relationship with Him isn’t affected by me except where I allow it to be. He never moves away or towards me because I perform perfectly or I miss it by any length.

My whole life I’ve born this crushing weight that I have to say things just right, I have to play every note perfectly, I have to openly be supportive, embracing and encouraging of specific people, while being given little– sometimes nothing at all– in return.

While I am hard on myself, I often take cues from the responses and reactions of others to me after I fall short of where they expect me to land. My mistakes and successes somehow get tangled in with the egos, even pride, of others.

I believe God used my very public mistakes yesterday to open my eyes to this so I can begin to walk in freedom from crushing expectations.

I hope He also helps others to start giving me what I need in every situation. I do see a turning point, I just hope I can use that to shed this chain and fetter people have used to attached me to their pride-success balance.

Maybe then people will no longer exhaust and overwhelm me.

How many times do we hear something and jump to a conclusive opinion without actually looking into things for ourselves?

Examples I see everyday are critics of Christianity, political opponents, public school supporters against home educators, race criticizing race, Christian critics of anything secular… I’m sure you can think of many I haven’t listed here, there is an endless supply of judgement that is both uncalled for and unnecessary. But we sure do value our opinions!

I once, many years ago before the internet saturated me with knowledge, said I thought the POW/MIA flag was some sort of American Indian symbol. Of course my husband– then friend– sarcastically corrected me. Yeah– I was that ignorant! He had to tell me that it actually means Prisoner of War/Missing in Action. I was deeply ashamed, but I had never even seen that flag before.

I used to judge table top games, such as Dungeons and Dragons as demonic and evil because Jack Chick made a tract about it that seemed like facts. But, the facts are– it’s nothing more than socially creative story making and acting out the different characters. Sure there are millions of directions it can go– just like any fiction novel. But, I don’t think he wrote a tract about The Lord of the Rings. D&D is so much like that, and Christians miss out because they refuse to investigate what it really is. https://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp If a person is swayed to leave Christianity because of a game, there are far deeper issues involved. More than likely they never actually gave their lives over to Christ.

Being confronted with my having badly judged a book by its cover woke me up to how easily I can fall into that trap of not looking into things before forming an opinion– judging what I actually know nothing more than the appearance I see.

It shocks me every time I hear people who have never enlisted in the military talk about the military being soldiers at war, killing innocent children with no accountability. That’s actually the opposite of what I’ve known for more than 20 years in military life. I’m sure it would surprise many critics to know military life is like everyday life, but super structured and strict. There is far more accountability in the US military than in any organization– especially of size and scope– in the world throughout history. Certainly far more than in our current government! But, don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself. Do some research, interview military members, Veterans, contractors– even enlist for yourself!

Critics of our military sometimes falsely accuse it as blindly going along with whatever is commanded. Obviously they don’t realize each member has the responsibility to not obey a constitutionally unlawful order. The military is beholden to no person, no political party, no cause. There are core values instilled within each member. Core values unique to Americans and our 1st world allies.

While there is purposeful misinformation out there trying to sway people to specific sides of various issues or keep people from knowing what’s actually going on, there is no excuse for not researching the facts. The easy way is to not challenge sound bites and points of agenda for what we want/hope to be the truth. The responsible way is to dig deeper and find the truth.

For the past 10-12 years I’ve noticed how historical facts are being changed to paint a different picture than actual reality. I’ve seen things disappear off of the internet, I’ve caught the main news sources passing on false information, lying, and even staging events to mislead people watching to trick them into a political point of view or support some cause.

In this day and age of purposeful deception, it’s imperative that we take on some form of an investigative role. No one likes to be fooled, and no one likes to find out they are reacting in a foolhardy way.

I have darkness in my past. In my 20/20 hindsight view, there are things I’ve said and done, parts of who I used to be that I deeply, deeply regret. I was young and foolish, brought up in a culture that never mentioned accountability or conscience, my immaturity and lack of common sense mixed with my world-view of life was self-destructive.

When I look back at the heart of who I used to be I cringe with disdain and distaste– and then I look away, ashamed of the hatred and jealousy that polluted my younger self. I don’t want to see it, except now I can use it to measure how far I’ve traveled from what used to be my expectations and experiences.

Living in the moment, desperately trying to “find myself” and figure out how I “fit” into the world’s big picture, I made so many bad decisions.

I used to blame the bad things that happened to me– some, the things of nightmares and semi-horror stories, some, happenstance of being wrong place-wrong time– for my negative situations, many I had zero control over.

The one constant I had that never faltered was God.

I remember standing at my window as a small child, around 8 years old, crying, watching the kids outside who seemed to have no cares in the world. I remember the feeling of hopelessness drowning my thoughts. I didn’t fit in, I sincerely believed that no one liked me, that I was such a horrible person that my own family hated me.

And then I saw a rainbow.

Suddenly my thoughts and emotions were flooded by 3 words I heard and felt at the same time, from deep within my being- “I love you.”

The darkness that engulfed me that day was pushed out by the bright, warm light of hope– things would get better.

I’ve always believed that was God. Now when I see a rainbow, I know beyond the shadow of any doubt God is reminding me that He loves me– and He keeps His promises.

Fast forward to today, looking into the review mirror of hindsight– God has indeed kept His promises to me. He turned my darkness into light, my mourning into joy, my fear of the unknown into hope for my future.

I remember as a kid trying to imagine what my future would be like. The thing is, I couldn’t have guessed because I hadn’t experienced or seen anything like it. I had dreams of happiness, but I had no picture of what that was except it was full of this warm light. I was afraid to bring children into a world I had been shown pain and abuse from. I lacked faith that my choices could create a different type of future for my offspring. If others walked through what I barely managed to survive, they could understand the lack of hope I was surrounded by, that tried to overtake my inner confidence and boldness to push through to find the good that others seemed to have.

Had I not pushed through that invisible force that was so heavy and thick that tried to hold me down, I never would have left the life I was born into physically, and stepped into the life Hope embraced. I never would have stepped out of the grappling hooks the enemy of my life, of my soul, attempted to try to imprison me with.

God designed me carefully, He put in me what I have needed not only to survive, but to want to survive. Many living in my circumstances and experiences might have given up, and I don’t say that lightly or with no understanding. I was tempted to give up, to let go of that brilliant shard of hope my spirit desperately clung to.

I understand darkness in a way I don’t think many who know me realize.

Thankfully, I also now understand the light of hope even more fully than I remember the darkness that embraced me with its death-grip.

I am undeserving of God’s grace and mercy, but I am so very, very thankful He wrapped me up in it, healing my heart and my mind. An inner strength pushed with a force far beyond my own strength, to get out of the stronghold of that darkness.

I’ve often seen myself as a 50 yard-dasher type– a short-distance runner. I start out strong, and if the distance is short, I finish strong. But, with longer distances I find myself being tempted to stop short. In this rearview-mirrored view, I can see that God has carried me those distances I didn’t have the strength on my own to go, and the view lighted by the hope He planted deep inside of me, has made it far more beautiful than anything my childhood imagination could have dreamed.

I’m maybe halfway, maybe more, through God’s planned distance for my life. I’m greatly anticipating the view through the remainder of hope’s light for my future.

My husband and I got into an argument earlier today, about politics. We agree on some points, and are polar opposites on others. It’s not the disagreeing that is the argument for me, though, because we could easily be having a discussion and disagree. It’s his reactions to me, the person behind what he disagrees with. Males in the past often treated me like I was less than them, rarely as an equal– as though I were validated by their approval of me. Usually my husband doesn’t come across that way, but lately when he disagrees with me it feels as though he does. It may just be my perception, not the reality. But, nevertheless, it stings a lot. 

Maybe it’s different for men than it is for women, maybe they can separate the personal from the words. Perhaps it’s just the way I am built. I believe strongly in certain things, and I research things a lot, and sometimes I don’t research enough or remember specifics well. 

I asked him to tell me he doesn’t think I’m stupid, because that matters to me. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but he matters. He told me he doesn’t think that. The problem is he argues to conquer and win, and then I feel attacked and our voices raise with jabs and offense– I hate it. I wish we could discuss without it turning into some battle of words and opinion. I wish we could communicate our different perspectives in a healthy exchange where we both feel valued and heard.

We both need to level up our communication skills. We should be aware of how what we say affects the other, as well as how we say it and how they receive it– not always the same things. 

Thinking about Scripture, where the Bible instructs wives to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives as Christ Loves the Church, I don’t see us treating Jesus that way. One step further– I don’t see Christ treating us the way we treat one another. I can’t imagine Jesus raising His voice or belittling my opinions or beliefs. I don’t see Jesus yelling at my husband the way I did earlier. 

At some point our humanity has to submit itself to God in order to match God’s Word picture through Scripture– or we fail at demonstrating the Lord Jesus in and through our marriage. 

I played with my youngest boy today. Without having my phone in the same room with me. 
I tickled his feet, and tried to hit him with a small pillow, which he kept karate-kicking away.

He giggled.

I laughed.

Undistracted.

It was just like when my 3 other kids were little and I didn’t have electronic devices plugged into my ears or constantly drawing my attention, my focus, away from the loves of my life.

It was wonderful!

We became members of a local church just before my husband received a new assignment. It’s not the first time that has happened to us, but this time we had begun thinking about possibly retiring to the area we were in. So, as is often the case with our family situation, we switched gears after just 2 years at that place, and began trying to prepare for a move to another country.  

It’s full of challenges, and this move was our worst ever. I am still so thankful that 4 ladies gave of themselves and helped me! I could not have done it without them!

 But, what I don’t get is why we are so easily forgotten whenever we have to move on.

We gave what we could of ourselves: our time, talents and money.

We poured out our hearts as we worshipped with many we found a connection with, beyond just our common beliefs.

Yet now it feels almost as if we no longer exist to many of the people we formed relationships with or just simply grew to respect. There have been limited efforts to stay in contact with us. Only a handful of people talk with us. This is a very large congregation!

Truth be told, my closest friends are Christians I met not within church walls or activities. Only a very few are ones I attended church meetings with or served the Lord with in some way.

That speaks volumes to me! It makes me sad and frustrated. Too many times people are content to put the burden of staying in touch on me.   

Am I not worth the effort?

The Body of Christ, is made up of many parts, even moving parts like those of us that have no choice but to move away. I believe fellowship should  represent the Eternal relationship we will always have with God and that common understanding of Eternity. 

Oneness. 

Continued relationship.

I’ve hit a point where it’s nearly too difficult to give of myself over and over, to figure out where or how I can fit in to the new while nursing the wounds of being forgotten or pushed out of mind, or just really, really missing the old.

Often a congregation can be so introverted and focused on their programs and busyness they miss the point of being part of The Body of Christ.

Why must I make all of the effort to connect and maintain any friendships? The fight I’ve had in me for this, is dying down. Why? Because the effort is most often one-sided.

I have discovered I can meet with others online, I can minister to others online, and I can be ministered to by people like Joyce Meyers, online.

But online doesn’t meet every need. It’s just a way to extend fellowship and ministry.

The Body of Christ is in the wireless world, as well.

It doesn’t end just because a member moves away.

http://vanani.com/what-you-should-never-say-to-your-hairstylist-12972/

We are often in a rush to get somewhere or do something. Facebook has become so much of a part of our lives, it’s what we browse through to get caught up on just about everything– friends, family, world news, local news, political speculations, animal videos, cute baby pics… We have this quick, easy, soundbyted information summary at our fingertips, 24/7/365.

Do we take time to think about the people behind the statuses?

Here are 15 things on my mind I probably won’t say over a Facebook status:

1) My cover doesn’t look anything like me.

2) I binge-watched a whole season of Royal Pains the other day.

3) The last church I became a member of hurt and disappointed me.

4) I eat food I don’t even like because of the health benefits.

5) You hurt my feelings when you walk past me and pretend you don’t see me, but you don’t devastate me.

6) I’m blunt, but overflowing with compassion, and I have comfy shoulders to cry on.

7) I prioritize relationship. If there is miscommunication, I’m quick to try work it out, and make sure there isn’t unforgiveness or bitterness left to fester. If you don’t want to talk or work things out, I will move on– most likely without you.

8) When I feel afraid, I embrace it. When I feel pain, I embrace it. The only way to conquer is to face challenges. They won’t just go away. (Okay, except in the case of spiders. I might be a tree hugger, but never a spider hugger.)

9) My family is the ministry that God has given to me. They are important to me and to God.

10) I don’t play games. I am who I am, and I am me with everyone.

11) I have conquered things you would never guess. Alone but with God.

12) I’m generous with my time and attention, until I’m patronized, belittled, or shown what I say is of little importance.

13) I’m harder on myself than you will ever be towards me. That being said– I don’t have enough gentleness, kindness or genuine respectful concern from others. Respect is important to me.

14) Those who come along side and offer friendship on equal terms stay my friends– for life. Those who treat me like a victim, or don’t value the wisdom I have gained through hard circumstances–  won’t. I despise being treated like a victim.

15) I wish people could see past the opinions blinding their sight.

/end status update.



I have been taking this supplement twice a day along with a dose or two of Turmeric for 2-3 weeks now. I notice when I take it with coconut oil, it works better. I also take Vitamin D and Fish oil. Sometimes I add in garlic and ginger. What I have noticed is my legs are better. The pain in my knees is not near as bad, stiffness is also better. I can see places where the swelling has gone down substantially, but I think it’s going to take time for all of the edema and swelling to go down. 

I notice if I miss a dose of the olive leaf extract, my legs get pretty weak, so I do think it’s making a good impact.

When I take Centrum for women with the olive leaf extract, I can feel things are more balanced.

I have added superfoods to my diet, gradually, 2-3 times a week. Coconut water/juice, coconut oil 2-3 times a day, and I add a few of these

  to my coconut water/juice. I don’t even crave chocolate anymore! I let the coconut juice saturate them for a few minutes, then they take on a nutty taste and crunch. They are kind of an acquired taste, but pretty yummy. You can add them to smoothies or even ice cream, as well. 

I’ll keep you updated as I see more results. :)

The first item needed is the promise of a child. This usually begins with a growing belly and cravings for strange foods that defy human logic. Like a cheese and mint jelly sandwich. Variations include the promise of a pet, adopting a child, and investing in the life of another.

Next thing needed might be a careful study of blueprints. A super close look can even detect the evidence of God’s design, which is often shaped by circumstances and experiences to develop the prototype. It’s from these elements the plans for a supportive, strong base foundation stem. However, sometimes the blueprints are bypassed, and intuition and avoidance of past experiences are engaged instead.

Next, a team of helpers for support, advice,  some amount of prayer, with at least one model to draw off of will be needed. The model can be well-known or local anonymity, past or present, real or wishful thought.

Finally, a child (or pet) is added. Then, watch all the plans come unraveled as life adventures begin to unfold. And, Voila! A mom has been built.

Everyone in the media, and everyone who watches, reads, or listens to the news or any form of media, should read this.

Many of us have lost a friend or loved one that left us a bit bewildered as to why God choose to take them.

I have, recently.

I can’t say I knew her very well. We joked, we chatted about Scripture and natural foods, and we shared prayer concerns. She once watched my kids at my van while I ran my dog into the Vet, because kids weren’t allowed and my husband was unavailable to help out. We ran into each other a few times out shopping, and at a Christian weekly function. All of this has been scattered over the past 8 years or so, beginning shortly after my second son was born.

Even with that limited interaction, she left an impact on my heart. Her smile could draw someone out of the darkest mood, and her laugh had to have shattered demons ears, it was so full of joy. She had the most gorgeous long, flowing hair. But, it was her countenance that was the most apparent. You could just look at her and not only see her love for Jesus, but you could feel His love for her. I remember seeing her and her husband standing close by each other, worshiping Jesus together at The Harbor. It was so easy to see how cherished she was by him, as he would stroke her long hair and have his arm around her. They had a silent testimony of the power of love in a marriage. It’s just not something that is so noticeable in marriages, not even Christian marriages, so it has stood in my mind, like a beacon. That is what God wants in our marriages, and it’s what He wants in our personal relationship with Him. To be so comfortable and natural together, I wish that for every marriage.

I don’t understand why God allowed her to pass on. She was one of the warm, beautiful lights here, glowing with His love for everyone. I get to see her again one day, and because of that I am sincerely able to rejoice. Even though I miss her here, just knowing she was here, ministering to someone, reflecting Jesus to others so clearly was so comforting. I have a friend from high school that I’ve been separated from by time, distance and circumstances, but I can pick up the phone and call her, and we talk like there’s nothing separating us at all. It was like that for me with my friend who passed away.

I miss just knowing she was only an internet message away.

God tells us in His Word that we can call unto Him, and He will answer us, tell us great and marvelous things we don’t know. (Jeremiah 33:3)

There are times it amazes me just how clear I hear and understand God in my spirit. Over the years, I have learned to trust that quiet, near silent, inner voice. It’s different than intuition, independent from my own purposeful thoughts, and it’s always accurate. I just need to stop and pay close attention.

Years ago, I heard that sweet inner voice speak to me about my diet, and to avoid certain ingredients. I have been sincere in my efforts to be faithful to that, though I don’t always obey.  For the most part I am mindful of what I allow myself and  my family to eat. If God has told me to avoid certain things, I am sure it’s not just me they aren’t good for.

The brilliant thing about God is that He often uses science to prove things about Himself, so in this, He has proven Himself through scientific research. The ingredients He told me to avoid, science has since proven to be harmful to the human body.

Tomorrow , I will be testing something else that I have been hearing in my spirit over the past few years.  Something I have not paid close attention to and have not wanted to look at up close. I’m going to have medical tests done. While I hope I am wrong in my recent accidental findings that match things I have often experienced, it will confirm just how clearly I hear my Master’s voice.  It will reveal if I have been foolish to not pay attention sooner to the whispers I haven’t wanted to hear. It will also reveal if God had another purpose for me to avoid those specific ingredients,  a purpose that directly relates to what I will be tested for soon. God has a purpose for everything He has said, still says, has done, and continues to do.

I will continue here  in the following weeks with the results,  with the content of the whispers I haven’t wanted to hear, and the ingredients He told me to avoid.

I have no doubt that all true wisdom comes from God. Do you agree? Do you have any stories about things you have heard clearly from God?

There are a handful of days that I try to make/take time to reflect over my life, to remember where I came from and remind myself of how truly blessed I am.  Mother’s Day is one that is significant for me.

20 years ago, I had just emerged out of an abusive first marriage. Emotionally I was weary and spent, physically I was angry and and defensive. I believed I would never marry again, and certainly I didn’t think I would bring children into this world where they would only find pain and suffering. I talked with a close friend about having something permanent done, so I would not even be tempted to have children. I continue to thank God that she talked me out of that, encouraged me that someday I might change my mind, would regret that decision. I thank God that I listened to those important words of wisdom and concern.

18 years ago, my life direction had changed in a  drastic way. I had hit the rock bottom of rock bottom, and surrendered everything to God. I could not trust myself to make any sort of rational decision, so I turned to Him, and asked Him where He wanted me to go, what He wanted me to do.  After seeking Him, I received confirmation to enlist in the armed forces. On Mother’s Day of 1995 I distinctly remember all of the moms at church being given one red rose . I too was given a red rose. I started to give it back, and a friend said to me, “That isn’t a mistake, it’s a promise from God. One day, you will be a mother.” I began to seek God about a husband of His choosing for me, and started to form a plan to adopt one day if it wasn’t His plan for me to remarry.

15 years ago was one month away from marriage to the man God brought into my life.

14 years ago found me to be pregnant with our beautiful daughter, the fulfillment of 2 promises from God: a daughter and my becoming a mother.

Today I am blessed to have 4 beautiful children. God has blessed me far more than I could have imagined, or dared to hope for. My life is nothing like it was 20 years ago. There is a joy and fulfillment I never believed I would experienced at that time.

I can look back over my life and see where God has been at work, where He orchestrated each moment, and worked in events and decisions.

I am grateful beyond words.

God took my worth-less-than-nothing life, and He gave it value and meaning nothing else could come close to giving. No career, no amount of hard work or striving could ever compare to the uniqueness and fulfillment each child has given to me.

David and I have discussed the possibility of having one more child,  but, we both feel satisfied and, for lack of a better word, done. I reminisced last night on how amazing it felt to have life apart from myself growing within me, how wonderful and different from every other experience that has been. I miss feeling mine and David’s combined flesh and blood  growing in me, dancing free from my control, even stretching their limbs against the safety that encased them. There will not be any other experience that can match that.

I truly love and appreciate how God made man and woman to come together to be intimately involved with the continuance of the creation of life. There are few things more Awe-inspiring.

Today, Mother’s Day will include our youngest being dedicated to the Lord. Perfectly timed.

Being a mom is a good and perfect gift from above.

Great encouragement here!

I have something heavy on my mind, stirred up by a sermon I recently heard.

Part of the message was about community, not being isolated, having people you can talk with about stuff who will pray with you.

I have prayed about this, and I feel I should share openly. So, here are my thoughts on this, and I will confess up front: this is a sensitive issue for me. I will start by asking a question, or two. Maybe more:

Where was community while I was being molested? Where was community when I struggled through years of eating disorders, as I blamed myself for all the horror of what happened to me? Where was community in the aftermath of a close family member almost purposely killing another close family member, as I watched?  Where has church community been in the 30+ years of my fight to survive, muddling through all the confusion and pain, wounds and scars, trying to make sense of it all, struggling to learn how to live a healthy life, while learning I could trust others?

I’d like to tell you where community has been for me, for the most part. It has been ignoring me because it doesn’t know what to do with me, doesn’t want to see what I’ve been through, doesn’t want to get its hands dirty trying to help me. It’s been unapproachable and out of my reach. It’s been there for others, but not me. I’ve been “too intense”, or “too sensitive”, and I have never fit into those boxes of “acceptable things” it has tried to stuff me into.

I am different. I was shaped differently because my life has not been anything like most people’s. I have walked hard roads, learned lessons the most difficult ways, hit rock bottom more than once, in different ways. I am unique. I love people, value them with a passion and intensity that I have never experienced. I hurt when others hurt, I cry when others cry, I rejoice when others are blessed. That is what God has formed from the ashes of my life, the beauty He has given to me. I am uniquely and wonderfully made, and if you don’t get to know me, if you don’t hear my story, you will miss out on some amazing things. Most of my story can only be told one-on-one. Someday it will be written in a book for all to read, but you won’t know it’s my story.

I am not bitter or angry, I’m sad. I can’t pretend the things in my past have never happened to me. I can’t pretend I never went down the wrong road, reacted badly, have never been sinful as a result of having so little human guidance readily available for me.

So, I find I am expected to rise up and be there to reach out to others, despite that not being a viable option for me, and I will because I want to be for others what I have needed others to be for me.  I understand things from a perspective that is sometimes lacking in the church community: God doesn’t look at people the way we do.

Many times our lives become extensions of others, and we the people get lost in the roles we are cast in.

Have you ever made yourself vulnerable to others by sharing things you are excited about having done in your life? Were you met with a positive reaction, or a negative one?

I shared some things about me last night, in a small group setting. I wasn’t met with many reactions, except 2 that I’m aware of. Some seemed surprised, but one person said, “Wow. Now my life feels boring.”

I was so excited for an opportunity to be able to actually talk about some things I have done in my life and hear things others have done. But what ended up happening was me feeling like others thought I was bragging or boasting in myself, which wasn’t my motivation at all.

I think I understand why I felt so excited last night to tell people about some of that: it’s because I just don’t get those kinds of opportunities.

People have always been important to me, but I’ve never found that special “key” where I become important to others, not really.

Anyway. Life has gone on, life will continue to go on, and I’ll embrace what is allotted to me, because life is pretty amazing when you stop and think about it.

Apart from Christ I am nothing. My past was a failure and a complete mess, my present is much better when my focus is on who I am because of Jesus, rather than who I sometimes wish people would see me as, my future is full of hope and Eternal promises and destiny.

I can do all things through Christ Jesus Who strengthens me.

Thinking back, I’m remembering how I made some really bad choices when I was younger. Some stupid choices, some embarrassing choices, some just very bad, at the spur of the moment.

At some point, I woke up, and I started really thinking about the choices I was making. I started caring what the outcome would, or could be. I started caring about the people who were helping to influence my decision-making.

At some point I decided to take my life in a direction that would be good for me, a positive direction, one where my prior bad choices and life happenings could be used to encourage others, and help with their emotional healing.

Wow do I have a long way to go to reach some of my own personal goals. But, wow have I come a long way from the person I was 10, 20, even 30 years ago.

What an incredible journey this has been.

The great thing about a blog is that I can be forthright and honest. So tonight, that’s what I have in mind to do.

Today was a very disappointing day for me.

It started last night when our baby just would not sleep. He is teething and growing, and only his mommy can really comfort him beyond food or orajel. So, comforting sweet Judah, as well as trying to make sure David could actually get much-needed rest was my focus. I didn’t get much sleep at all.

Then, this morning, the kids decided to test my limits of patience, of course. I had that target of, “Look, Mom got no sleep. Let’s get her!” painted on me, apparently. I got back talk from the kids, and much of my organizing efforts were undone, once again, thanks to a mischievous 6-year-old.

I try so very hard to not need or ask anyone to help me with things, but on rare occasions, I do need something. I couldn’t find anyone to watch Judah while I go to a meeting I need to go to, about our upcoming move. (But one sweet friend who lives too far away sincerely wished she could watch him. That made my attitude about not being able to go now, better.)

So, I was feeling pretty sorry for poor old me.

Then my daughter gave me a spontaneous hug. (Those are rare with a 12-year-old.) My husband went out of his way to make dinner so I wouldn’t have to worry about it while he was at a worship practice meeting. And, my cranky, demanding baby smiled sweetly in his sleep, a smile that only a happy baby could smile.

All is well again. I really don’t require much, and yet I get the most precious, amazing gifts in return from my family. I feel pretty doggone spoiled right now. And tired. I’m going back to sleep.

Deployments are not for the weak-minded, or the weak in spirit. Whether going, or staying behind while a loved one, particularly a spouse, goes: it’s a unique world in dealing with the ups and downs that come along with the ride.

I have been thinking about why this particular deployment time with my husband is away, feels so much more draining than most have in the past. Then it hit me: a few days after he left, Japan was hit by major earthquakes, a tsunami, a nuclear melt-down, tsunami warnings, aftershocks, death, destruction….. a super-typhoon is on it’s way at us now… In the States, there has been so much devastation from storms, people acting out in violent manners, the price of gas and groceries is soaring while the jobless rate seems to either be stagnant or increasing….

Then there is all that is going on in the world, coupled with, I’ll be honest: a President and administration I frankly just don’t trust to really act in mine, or my country’s best interest. Stress is higher than usual.

No, deployments are not for the weak. Raising our 4 children as a temporary single parent is enough without all the other stuff weighing down. I can do this, I’m not worried about me. But, I just had to get into words the incredibly overwhelming burden this particular deployment has been. Thank God He is helping us, He is by our side. I could not do any of this without Him, or the incredibly affirming and stable love of my husband.

I had a very close friend in Middle and High school. He was like a brother to me. We lost contact with each other after our school years though. My mom called me a several years ago, and she read me an article about my friend Rod. He had just gotten married and was heading back to is Army base with his new bride, he fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a semi, killing both himself and his new wife. I still cry, I miss him so much. He and David would have gotten along so well. Rod died not knowing how important he was to me.
For a long time I blamed myself, I thought there must have been something I could have done that would have changed his path.
I don’t blame myself anymore. But I try hard to be sure I tell people how amazing they are, how important they are, anything positive, because I just don’t know if I will get many more opportunities to interact with them. I have been hurt by so many people, I still get hurt a lot. But God has just poured this deep, sincere love into my heart for everyone. It’s like He has given me this understanding that they are the way they are because of their sin condition. Because Jesus died even for those who abused Him on the cross, even for those who who gambled over His clothing, put a crown of thorns on His head, mocked His kindness and love…Because He told God the Father to forgive them because they just didn’t understand what they were doing. That’s the example my heart wants to follow. I am still such a long way from that, though. Even in my frustration with some people, there is still this love and concern for them that helps me to not stay angry, to not hate them.
In a world that is often so full of hate, criticism, anger and intolerance for good and some bad, it’s wonderful to experience the true power of the Love of God.

It really is just amazing to me how much of my life I have simply forgotten. I’m not holding on to those grudges against those who hurt me any longer, or even myself for some of the stupid things I’ve done. I’m not meditating on all the sour and painful details of those situations that could have destroyed me years ago. Sure, some of it has shaped how I react to some things now, but I am in reality a new creation through Christ Jesus. I have put away the old, and I am living in the new.

There are things I have shared with some over the years that kept the details fresh in my mind. I have found those details have faded. There is no longer pain, sadness, anxiety…all the negatives that accompany the nightmare memories. The memories are no longer nightmares.

It is because of this that no one could ever convince me that my God is not real or that He does not love me deeply. My life has been useless to many. Many, in God’s position, would have thrown me out, called me worthless and a waste of time. But not God. He lifted me up, He changed my life, and He gave my life purpose and meaning beyond anything this world could ever have to offer.

I am satisfied with my life, and I am healed. By His Grace, by His Kindness, by His Compassion and His Mercy. I can’t think of many people who have ever really taken the time to demonstrate these things to me, but God has never failed to. Never.

It’s back. The tightness in my chest as I try to just breath. The tears almost constantly threatening to over-take my eyes. I have prepared my heart a million times for this, I have been through this before, but my emotions still catch me off-guard each time I think about it, every time I remember, the moment of his walking away… It doesn’t get easier each time, it doesn’t just become a way of life, or “old habit”. But I can adjust, take a deep breath, take each day one at a time, and deal with everything life throws at me while he is away being the amazing hero I am so deeply in love with.

I can be weak because my God is my strength and He never gives me more than I can handle. I can rest in Him and know everything will be ok.

Ahhh There it is, it’s back again. That peace that surpasses everything. I can breath again. I can do this, because I am never alone, God is always with me, He is my Shield and my Guide. And I can be confident in that no matter what, I will see my best friend again, no matter what happens.

I am fascinated by the history of words and different languages. You’d think that would mean I speak a lot of different languages, right? Nah, I married a linguist instead. LOL Ok, that’s not why I married him, but it’s a definite plus!

When I met my husband, I was beginning to study Russian. I was already working towards a goal I had made for myself to understand and speak some Russian because my heart’s dream was to help out in a Russian orphanage. God had different plans though, obviously, because instead I have spent the better part of the last 16 years in Japan, instead. And, while I did get to briefly interact with and help out a bit with some of the orphans here and I have zero excuse for not being fluent in Japanese, I am so familiar with the Japanese language that when I hear it spoken I can often understand what is being spoken, the idea anyway. The sound of the Japanese language has become like music in my ears, a comforting background that used to be more of a culture shock. Now when I visit family in the States, the background language is often Spanish, and it sends me into a type of culture shock that says, “Wait! Something is not right here!”.

As a Christian, I often use what I call “Christianise” (I didn’t come up with that “word”, but I can’t remember where I got it from). As much as I dislike many of the “key” phrases that have become sort of cliche’-like and habitual rather than heart-felt, I speak this often around other Christians, because it’s how we relate and identify with each other.
In our home we have a few token Japanese phrases and words we use. We also have developed our own “family” language which consists of words and phrases David and I have come up with naturally over the years, and then has been added to as our children were/are learning to speak and as our relationship with each child grows. I won’t give the name of the child, but one funny phrase we often jokingly remember is when one child told my mom over the phone, “I went poopie for chocolate!!” because I used chocolate chips as a reward for a job well done. When my daughter was learning to speak, she would tell us confidently, with her green toy phone rattle, that she had to make a “cone fall”. The moon will forever be known to us as “the banana moon”, we often tickle each other’s “armpicks”. One of our favorites is the “earwax” plane that Jonathan just loves to see. This is one of my very favorite parts of being a mommy: watching my children grow, and seeing the creativity and learning process each child uniquely goes through. I love my job!!!

The words people use say a lot about the person saying them, to me. It’s often easy to see someone’s heart through what they say and how they say it, whatever their passion is comes through in their language. I find that fascinating! I can learn more about a person through the words they choose to use than through what I see them doing, often times, and that has many times helped me to either be able to identify with them, or realize I can’t identify with them, and I need to find something we have in common so we can have positive interactions.

Of course, if they speak Swahili only: I am out of luck!

I’m new to blogging like this, but not new to talking a lot.